Chapter Text
Spring couldn’t come fast enough as far as I was concerned. Even in Velaris we had massive blizzards threaten the peace of a settled winter. Yesterday’s snow had fallen by the cart load, covering most of the city under a white blanket. I was sick of this perpetual winter. “Darling, I know you’re not a fan of winter, but can I please have my wing back?” Apparently I was wrapped in Rhysand’s wing, not my own shadows. I simply grunted and flopped over to let him draw it back, feeling colder without it. Something felt off as soon as I opened my eyes. I started seeing snow drifts and pines line the windows of our room, even though we were at least twenty feet off the ground. Rhys seemed unaffected, lazily tracing lines along my shoulders. “Rhys, do you see that?” He sat up and looked in the direction of my gaze. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he drawled, “everything seems the same as last night.”
For some reason I couldn’t shake off the chill in my bones. We’d always had blankets in this room, and yet last night remained cold. Even my toes had started to numb. “Alright, har har, you’ve had enough fun. Did you rope Nesta or Amren into this? Or Mor? Or Cas-” “Feyre darling I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.” He sat up completely, all thoughts of a sensual morning gone from his side of the bond. Rhys then straddled me, gently cupping my face and flicking his eyes across my face. He moved on to the rest of my body, feeling my joints and neck for any issues. “And what do you think you’re doing? This is no time for role-playing nursemaid!” My anxiety continued to flare as he checked everything once, twice, three times. He even prodded along the mating bond, gently scraping on my mental shields. I shoved him off and watched him bounce off in surprise over the edge of the bed in a tangle of wings and bedsheets. I felt bad, but not bad enough to squander my new advantage. Immediately rising, I paced back and forth while trying to warm myself. Then I felt it.
A breath of wind caressed my cheek, reaching through me for something behind my mental walls. I saw Rhysand still flailing in his heap of limbs and brushed through our room and out the door. Civility was out the window now. The next few minutes were a blur. I scrambled for anything warm I could find, surprised by how little I had in that department. None of these clothes would protect me against the winds or cold I might encounter. I was now in a full blown panic, racing for anything weatherproof. If I didn’t find something soon, I was going to have put off my...my what? Suddenly I stopped. I looked up from a dresser in the hallway of our new townhouse to find myself naked and shivering. My hands froze, letting go of some worn leather gloves. Too bulky anyway, I said to myself. Better for gardening. Better for Elain. Elain! She would know where to find everything, she always knew my hiding places. Smiling, I headed back for my room.
Rhys met me at the door, finally freed from the sheets and blankets. “What the hell are you doing?!” I’d never heard him so strung out. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Now move before I move you myself.” He was struck dumb at my words and threw his arms up. I slipped under them in an effort to avoid eyes. He stood in the doorway dumbfounded, muttering to himself and absently gesturing to the ceiling in some silent prayer to the Mother. I was already done putting on my underthings and just about to move onto my leggings when he finally found the words.
“Feyre Charona Archeron, I swear on the Mother and dare I say the Cauldron, I am finding myself repeating the same words: What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing.” His tone became more and more blunt as his face turned stoney. “What does it look like I’m doing?” “If I knew that I wouldn’t be asking.” “Fine. I’m going out.” Rhys looked at me as if I was the dumbest person on the planet. He said as much along the bond.
You are literally going to kill me. Someone who I love with all my heart is trying to drive me insane and kill me again. He kept rambling along the bond in some inane effort to distract me. I huffed and turned to fully speak to him when I felt it again. Some pull deep in my chest. A ball of urgency lurched against my ribs. “I have to go. Help or don’t.” With that, I shrugged on a thick tunic and winnowed to Elain’s room.
Somehow I knew the way to Elain and yet I couldn’t keep track of my own thoughts. My drive for supplies drove every rational thought out of my mind. Nesta would be awake soon, and Elain not far behind. Breakfast will be easy, just venison and some simple biscuits from a surprise batch of flour given in pity from the local butcher… I trailed off in my own head as I drifted through shadows. Something still felt off, but I was sure it would be fine. Now to think about breakfast…
I finally found Elain’s mind among the shadows, along with a certain spymaster. I already knew about their social visits, but it was reassuring to know Azriel was comfortable with someone else. A tendril of gentle starlight flickered against Elain’s mental walls, and I waited for a response. It was entertaining watching them while the Az’s shadows danced along my fingers. I loved these little spies, and they brought some warmth to my poor feet.
I finished wrapping them in bows by the time Elain woke up and shook Azriel awake. Fear and embarrassment followed her surprise, but I promised secrecy. After all, it wasn’t my secret to tell. Azriel remained relaxed in bed while my sister put on a sweater and soft boots. I materialized, grabbed her hand, and winnowed to the kitchens. Elain waved Nuala and Cerridwen off as she wiped the sleep from her eyes. I noticed a yawn and laughed at her. “You act as though this is early! Haven’t you been sleeping enough,” I teased. Elain blushed but chuckled herself. I started frying thick slabs of bacon even though I had wanted some lean venison. Being too comfortable always rubbed me wrong.
“Watch the meat and I’ll get Nesta. I want to go over a few things before I leave.” “What are you-” I left before I could hear anything else, and felt around the estate for Nesta’s fiery mind. It seemed dimmer than normal, as if banked by a heavy heart. I’m sure it’s just one of her moods, nothing to worry about. I drove any thoughts of stalling out of my mind; I needed to get this meeting over with and Nesta may try to stop me. My eldest sister’s door materialized as I faded back into reality.
“Nesta, can I come in? I need to go over something with you and Elain.” Best to keep it short and sweet, I don’t need her throwing something. Which reminded me… Rhys, are you alright? I let the frantically buzzing bond tighten at the question. Waves of anxiety and confusion flew at my walls, and I let some through. Are you alright? What’s going on? His heart ached but I couldn't feel it over the growing weight in my chest; something was pushing me and I had to meet it. Shutting myself was hard but necessary to continue- if only Nesta would get out of bed. I knocked louder until deciding it would save me the sore hand to winnow in. I stepped through the shadows and slipped over to her bed. The covers were thrown off and I stopped. The thrashing thing leading me kicked up, but I had to pause. Nesta looked thin, skin the color of dried turnip. It took but a fraction of my power to lift her and gently carry her to the kitchen. Winnowing always makes her cranky, I whispered, and it is early after all. She barely moved, as though she couldn’t be bothered to wake up. Same old Nesta.
Finally we made it to the kitchen, bacon and simple cakes waiting for us on the table. Elain had a pear in her hand, absentmindedly eating it. She seemed surprised to see Nesta in my arms, but set it aside to deal with me. I summoned a simple cot for Nesta by the warm stove, and she seemed to curl towards it. Elain loudly coughed in an attempt to get my attention. I tutted over Nesta for a few more moments, and turned to meet her uncertain expression. “Feyre, you know I love your, uh, cooking, but where is everyone else? And what exactly are we here for?” She seemed confused, especially when I met her with an equally confused face. “What do you mean? It’s telling us it’s time,” I said. She crossed her arms. I crossed my arms. She took a bite of biscuit and settled into her seat. “Anyway. Where is my gear.” Elain still didn’t know what I was talking about if her body language was any indication. Nesta briefly stirred at our voices but settled after we calmed down. “Fey-” “Don’t-” We both huffed. Elain hopped off her stool and looked for something her hands could worry over. I pushed forward and tried to communicate this seemingly simple thought. “Elain, I need my bow and my winter supplies. I don’t know how long or why but I need them.” She dropped her sachets of tea in surprise.
“Does the Inner Court know about this?” she questioned. I shrugged in an effort to be nonchalant but she saw right through it. She worried the bridge of her nose with her fingers. “Little sister… what has gotten into you? Did you get us up this early to avoid Nesta’s anger or the Inner Court’s worry? You know this isn’t going to go over well.” She had a point. But I couldn’t stop. “Elain, if I tell them, they’ll think there’s something wrong with me. You don’t, do you?” She couldn’t look me in the eye, fascinated by the steam coming off the kettle. The next thing I knew, footsteps thudded towards us. I whipped towards the door, then whispered at my sister. “Don’t tell them anything, I can’t drag them into it!” I may have spat the last part out.
First, Rhysand overshot the door and slammed in the hallway wall. Next, Cassian tripped on him. Azriel at least took his time, casually stepping over the two and grabbing an apple off the table. She looked at him, exchanging looks of bewilderment. Nesta still didn’t stir from her sleep. Cassian and Rhys shot up from the floor and immediately diverged to Nesta and I. Cassian bent down to her and seemed to check her vitals. What had happened in the last few months? I couldn’t hold a thought in my head long enough to understand it. Rhys crossed the room and stopped short; the unspoken pact of personal space during a crisis was well established. Please, he begged, please let me help. I couldn’t. Something walling me off from my court, but I couldn’t figure it out. My mate was suffering, he was begging- lucidity broke.
I knew it would only last a few moments. “Cassian, Azriel, wake up Amren. Elain, get Mor up and winnow back as soon as you can. I need you all here.” Rhys was frozen in place as everyone curved around him. I reached my hand out and he crumpled. I caught him, barely, and he pressed his face into my thighs. My beautiful, loving mate was being hurt by me. I don’t have long. He looked up sharply, fear glazing his eyes. I don’t mean that, I mean...what did I mean? I found no words to describe this feeling. I need advice. Something is happening to me and I have no idea what. I’m seeing things, feeling things...I’m hurting you. Do you feel this too? Am I going mad? He stood up and held me for the first time this morning. His wings curved in, protecting me from everything else. I don’t think you’re crazy, he whispered down the bond, I think you’re experiencing something profoundly different, and it pains me to see you bear it alone. I want to help. Will showing me help? How could either of us know?
I simply opened my walls and let him in. He observed nothing new, taking no notice of anything devastating. I gently showed him the center of this catastrophe. The pit in my chest had made its way into my stomach, a driving hunger for...something. I felt the chill of winter in my bones, the cascade of events that pushed me out into the wilderness for most of my life. There was a need to reclaim my woods and the wildness of my territory, to keep myself alive when the odds were against me. Rhys was as shaken as I was. I’ve never seen such hunger. This is old magic, Feyre. “Did I ever tell you who the Mother is to the Fae of the Night Court?” he asked. I could feel my clarity escaping, but I needed information. “No, never. Not even Amren mentioned her.” “The humans and even other courts like Summer and Spring believe her to be a benevolent force that guides us High and Lesser Fae. The Night Court feels there is more to the story though; she is our protector, a provider in the leanest of months. In some Illyrian circles, she is even thought to be the creator of wings and prey, our greatest assets. I’ve only heard legends, but some tribes felt she would gift a blessed every few generations to balance a great injustice. The last one was before even I was born, and because of your trials, she has deemed you worthy of this title.” I felt the reality of my situation settle between us. I was already a skilled hunter, a balancer of worlds. My mate would have to watch me be driven mad by a gift we never asked for. “What does this mean?” “It means you will be driven to hunt. I don’t think many of us have gone through a struggle like yours. My mate, my beautiful love, you are going to become a hunter again.” I shook my head. “No. I will become the Huntress.”