Work Text:
When I took you out, I knew what you were all about,
But when I did, I didn't mean to turn you on.
-- Robert Palmer, Didn’t mean to turn you on
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Hoseok loved his life as a matchmaker, or spirit of souls but that was old-fashioned. At least he loved it most of the time. Seeing people having starry eyes and smiling all day long was just so nice, but sometimes he could pull his hair out at what humans did. It was so frustrating to watch when they left behind what he had set up so skillfully. He was always right, why would they not understand that? What standards, what single life spirit? Why would they ignore something that was so obviously good?
Well, but those were rare cases. Most of the time he was successful and got a good fill on love, adoration, and happiness to quench his hunger.
Unfortunately, he had set his mind on solving such a rare disappointing case. Kim Seokjin. Handsome actor and eternal bachelor. A crush for every of his female co-actors and fans and a big portion of his male fans. Ah, and rich. That seemed to be worth something in the human world.
But as it appeared, he was unwilling to engage in anything that smelled remotely like a relationship. Any matching soul Hoseok had found for him had been ignored or friend-zoned almost as quickly as Hoseok had introduced them. The amount of times he had made a nice girl or boy stumble into this moron’s arms was ridiculous. He had even tried several different ages and ethnicities to cope with the high standards someone like Kim Seokjin might have had, but to no avail.
Kim Seokjin was unmatchable.
But in the spirit world something like unmatchable did not exist, so somewhere there had to be the lid to this pot. That was why Hoseok once again was following the actor from his flat to his new shooting spot of a drama that was about some rich mean man meeting a self-made woman with morals. It was all the same, truly.
The shooting had only begun about a week ago, and Hoseok had hoped for a member of the cast or even some nice assistant of the crew to be a fit. And since destiny loved him, he had been lucky. The main actress and the lighting assistant guy were a good fit. If those failed there was still the intern.
So far, he had made the lighting assistant stumble over a cable and fall into the back of a Kim Seokjin who had been surrounded by mask staff. The black line of eyeliner that had been drawn squarely over the actor’s face had made the two guys laugh brightly and exchange names.
As for the actress, he was positive that there would come enough opportunities for a matchmaking over the time of the drama shoot. Thus, trying to find a good time to work his magic with her, he had curled himself around the silver pipe of the grill’s drain and watched what was happening at the table underneath.
Apparently today they would shoot a scene in a family restaurant where both got drunk and kissed which she would forget the next day. Hoseok sighed at the context. The amount of times he had had to repeat a kiss because one of the two had been out of it… alcohol and the youth of today…
Honestly, he did not know what else to do but to watch. He could not make up a better opportunity. After today’s shooting he would give them a chance to be alone to repeat this in private and then he would see if his plan could work out.
“Separate shots for both, brighten out his face, there’s a shadow. Everyone in position,” the director called and looked at the small screen in front of him while the lighting and camera crew jumped into position.
“Scene twenty-three, take one,” one of the camera assistants said and clapped the slate.
“Action!”
“Haemi-ssi,” Seokjin began while looking at the dished chicken feet with concern, “is that even eatable?”
The actress huffed as if this was not the first time her male counterpart had displayed his upper-class attitude. “Director Park, I have been eating this since the age of four and I’m still alive. Don’t disregard what you never tried.”
Seokjin, after giving her a risen eyebrow, blew out some air like he was preparing for a jump from a helicopter and took one of the chicken feet. Before it touched his lip, he apparently decided against the experiment and poured them soju instead. “To a quick and successful collaboration,” he toasted with a forced smile.
She looked up at him like she was contemplating something, then she raised her glass to clink with his, and they knocked it back.
Hoseok was too immersed in the story to think about anything else, so he just tagged along for an afternoon of slate clapping and actions until it became dark outside and the crew switched to the street in front of the store to shoot the scene he had been waiting for. Finally, they would kiss.
“I want a soft warm streetlight glow on their faces and a single camera on both,” the director ordered.
Another slate and another call for action and the actress began to stumble and waver, playing drunk. The mask staff had given her a concerningly realistic splotchy blush and her eyes were half-closed.
“Should I give you a ride home, Haemi-ssi?” Seokjin asked the woman next to him while pulling out his Bentley key.
She snorted. “Drunk driving, director Park? Just because your lawyers can get your out of anything, doesn’t mean you can run over innocent people. I can handle myself. Thank you very much.” She almost fell over by tripping over her heels, so Seokjin grabbed her arm to pull her back up and against himself.
Now, Hoseok thought and cheered internally. And like expected this was the moment time stopped and the two stared into each other’s eyes. And damn there were so many emotions in the air, visibly not physically, Hoseok’s stomach still was empty.
There was surprise in Seokjin’s eyes, but it was slowly replaced by the adoration that had carried on through all the scenes and by a shy desire. He looked overwhelmed, truly, but it was all fake. Hoseok sighed when she tip-toed for the long-awaited kiss. Hopeless, truly hopeless.
“Cut!” the director shouted and in the next second all the emotions were gone like someone had wiped them off the man’s face. A true actor.
“Close-up for the kiss,” the director ordered and everyone was jumping to comply.
With furrowed brows Hoseok watched the next scenes, and again everything looked right and passionate and loving, but his stomach stayed empty. He could almost feel phantom satisfaction at the sight of the two actors. It made him want to vomit.
Five more times he experienced the strange true but fake emotions and imagined how it would feel when those emotions would finally become true, then the director had all his shots and the actors were good to leave. Thus, slightly annoyed but still determined to pull through with his plan, he followed the two fake lovebirds on their way to the van of the costume and mask staff.
“Your drunk acting was really good, very natural,” he heard the actor.
“Are you teasing me?” she asked back with a smile and bumped shoulders with him. They seemed close.
“Not at all. I’d like to be taught that,” Seokjin replied with an honest face. “I’m only good when I’m not asked to do something physically challenging.”
She chuckled amused and linked their arms.
Good mood. Perfect mood. Now it just needed the right thought. Hoseok pondered for a moment before he had an idea and touched her forehead. Teach him kissing.
“Maybe I should rather teach you kissing instead of how to play drunk. You felt stiff today,” she proposed shamelessly. Hoseok liked shameless people, they were so much easier to handle. No gibberish and shyness blocking the path to success.
“It matched the scene,” Seokjin replied with a shrug and Hoseok wanted to punch him in the face. How could he so rudely deny such a blunt offer from such a nice lady?
“How did that match the scene?” she asked, trying to hide her disappointment behind professional curiosity.
“Director Park is a cold egocentric man. Suddenly being kissed by a woman is not exactly his special field of experience. He must have been surprised, confused why someone who cursed him out first would come at him in the next moment,” the actor explained.
She nodded understandingly. “Our next kiss must look smoother, though,” she probed subtly. Her eyes said everything that needed to be said: she would not be opposed to make this a regular off-duty experience with potential extension to more. Hoseok could feel his stomach filling with her excitement.
But Seokjin, apparently aware of all the signals, only smiled at her and wiggled himself out with, “I have someone at home, and I would not want to betray their trust.” Hoseok just groaned and made a backflip from frustration. Liar! There was no one at home, not even a pet or a cockroach. The huge king-size bed was shared with cold air and pillows.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she backtracked with a shy smile. It was hard to tell whether she was truly blushing or it being only the artificial blush of the make-up.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s a good suggestion,” the actor replied warmly. “If the director in unhappy, we will take several more shots, that’s fine.”
Hoseok could not believe his ears. So, he was willing to kiss more in front of the camera, but he would deny doing so behind? Was this some strange kink? Should he ask Jimin to come and take care of this?
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“Maybe someone broke his heart in the past,” his friend Namjoon, a spirit of mishap, mused. Contrary to Hoseok and Jimin, who were slung around the rail of Kim Seokjin’s balcony, he was slung around the branch of a nearby tree to be away far enough in order not to cause havoc.
The problem himself was sitting at the balcony table in the early light of morning and sipped on his sparkly secco while enjoying a bowl of strawberries for breakfast. Something he did on weekends how Hoseok had found out.
Matchmakers like him could feel if humans had had a bad past with love, so that was not it. “I’d know about a heartbreak,” he replied deflated and watched the actor looking good even when no one was around to see.
He had followed the man over the last days to see if he was naturally shy of people or something, but it had turned out that he loved to go out with his friends and new acquaintances for lunch or dinner. Thus, Hoseok -unable to figure out why he failed all the time- had decided to bring in his spirit comrades to make a plan to get Kim Seokjin matched-up already.
“Maybe he can’t fall in love?” Jimin, spirit of lust, noted. “I think there are humans like that.”
Hoseok contemplated it. “But even then, he should have desires, no?” Because that was the strange thing. Even when he set everything up for a one-night stand or temporary liaison, Kim Seokjin would happily suffocate the small flame of his efforts.
“We can test his desire, if you’d like,” Jimin offered with a crooked smile that contrasted his innocent pink curls. The spirit of lust had his own kind of matchmaking experience, had even matched an actor colleague of Seokjin, Kim Taehyung. Although that seemed to have been a shared effort of him and Namjoon.
Hoseok had already thought about bringing in Jimin, but a relationship based on sex was nothing he liked very much. He was unlikely to get his fill on love, adoration, and happiness with that.
But what was he not willing to give up for a good match with his signature on it?
“Fine,” he agreed. “I think I know with whom it could work.”
Since Kim Seokjin was equally open and cozy with guys and girls and they would need a basis of familiarity and trust in a preferably private environment, Jeon’s Fitness Fortress seemed perfect.
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Jeon Jungkook had been one of the first people Hoseok had tried matching with Kim Seokjin. He was the actor’s personal trainer and they had displayed great chemistry from the start, but when Jeon had approached the eternal bachelor on a more private note, unmatchable Seokjin had turned him down in an instant and their relationship had returned to a friendly business tone.
Now they would see if a handsome muscular guy could not be interesting to this longtime romantic failure when a spirit of lust was involved.
Hoseok watched excited and followed when Jimin swooped through the window and closer to the pair that was working at the bench press. The change of atmosphere was almost immediate, and once again he envied his friend’s luck of just having to be present in order to work his magic. For him it was real work, for Jimin it was just a matter of lounging in the right place.
After two minutes, trainer Jeon’s pants showed a small tent and the man was visibly fighting against his body’s desires.
“It’s working,” Hoseok said relieved.
“It’s not,” Jimin popped his bubble and gestured at the actor’s crotch. Nothing. Not even the slightest hint of arousal.
Hoseok groaned frustrated and pulled on his hair.
“Let me try something,” Jimin said with a pat on his shoulder and sat on the actor’s stomach. This was as close as spirits could come to humans without possessing them, which was forbidden, or getting the disgusting feeling of overlapping. But still there was no reaction. Lesser than nothing. Nada de nada. Nichts.
Was he impotent? No, Hoseok had seen him doing things under the shower, so that was not it.
“I had that once or twice,” Jimin said lightly. He did not seem discouraged in the slightest. “Humans who just don’t have an interest in sex.”
Hoseok frowned. “You want to tell me that he can’t fall in love and doesn’t feel desire?” he asked disbelievingly. “That’s impossible.”
“Why?” Jimin asked over his shoulder while following an embarrassed Jeon with tented pants to the bathroom. “If Namjoon can match a couple, why is it so unlikely that there are people who can’t be matched by us?” With that the pink mop of hair vanished behind the bathroom door.
Hoseok turned back to his little problem. Kim Seokjin was sitting on the bench, breathing heavily but looking satisfied.
“But you must feel something,” he said accusingly and floated cross-legged in front of the man. “It looks so real when you’re acting, so why does my stomach not fill, hu?”
Of course, the human could not hear him and only looked at the bathroom door in hopes of seeing his trainer again.
“Why can you only have relationships on screen?” Hoseok continued his pointless interrogation. “How can a fake romance be fulfilling? How are you happy?”
Could a human be happy without love? Well, it was not that Kim Seokjin could not love per se. He did love his friends and colleagues, and he did love his family. He was not loveless. It was just not the kind of love Hoseok fed on, not romantic love.
And the man was happy when he spent time with his friends, that much Hoseok had been able to taste. He was laughing much, making stupid jokes, being silly at times. He was being loved by everyone.
Was that it? Was mister eternal bachelor Kim Seokjin satisfied with simply being loved as a friend? Was he that satisfied with himself? A true narcissist maybe? No, he was too caring for that, not egocentric enough.
Jimin must be right then. If after all the struggle Hoseok had gone through, there was still no match for Kim Seokjin, his help was superfluous.
“So there are humans like you, hu?” he mused while poking the panting man’s nose. “Interesting.”
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