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Even slowly opened his eyes. Outside, the early October sun had already begun to set and the whole flat was bathed in semi-darkness. The radio was playing softly but Even wasn’t listening to it. It was nothing more than a background noise to him, something to distract him from the deafening silence of his mind. He turned around in the bed and looked at the clock. Quarter past five.
Isak will be home soon. Even let out a tired sigh and closed his eyes again for a moment.
And I barely moved from the position he last saw me in.
Despite spending a whole week sleeping or lying in bed he still felt tired, empty, numb. As if his head was full of cotton wool that made all of his senses dull and muted. He hated every second of it. He hated that there was nothing he could do about it. Getting out of bed, getting dressed, showering, eating. Even couldn’t remember the last time he carried out these mundane and simple tasks without having to congratulate himself like it was a remarkable achievement worthy of at least a King’s Gold Medal of Merit. Depression was just cruel like that.
Even’s stomach growled angrily, trying to remind him that except for the two pieces of toast with honey and a small mug of milk that Isak had prepared for him in the morning before leaving for work, Even didn’t eat anything for the whole day.
I should probably eat something, Even thought but he didn’t move for another few minutes. Then, he got from under the duvet and sat up on the edge of the bed. After another minute or two he stood up carefully and started to walk slowly towards the bedroom door, then through the living room and finally to the kitchen.
Once he reached it, he looked around to see what there was that didn’t involve much (or ideally any) preparation. In the fridge, he found a box of Isak’s spaghetti alla carbonara that had recently become his trademark, on the kitchen counter there were a tin of cardamom biscuits, two leftover cinnamon rolls from Kaffebrenneriet, some toast bread and a small block of brunost that Isak had forgotten to put back into the fridge this morning. Normally, Even would be delighted as all these things were his favourite. Not this time, though. This time, he couldn’t choose anything because he wasn’t really feeling like eating at all. In the end, he sighed in defeat and grabbed one of the large red apples from a fruit bowl on the dining table and started to chop it into smaller pieces. When he was done, he poured himself a glass of water and then embarked on a journey back to the bedroom.
Having returned to bed and under the covers, Even glanced at the clock again. It was three to six.
Great, Even. You’ve just managed to walk to the kitchen and back and it only took you 42 minutes –
The spiral of Even’s self-loathing thoughts was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of someone unlocking the front door and entering the flat.
Isak.
The flat was steadily getting darker and darker, so Even stretched out a hand and turned one of the bedside lamps on. Just as he was returning back to his previous position, Isak walked through the bedroom door. His gentle smile told Even that he was pleased by what he could see in front of him – Even being awake, sitting up in the bed and even eating a little.
“Hei, love,” Isak said softly as he sat down on the edge of the bed. Then he leaned in towards Even and gave him a tender kiss on his forehead.
“Halla,” Even answered quietly. His voice was hoarse from many hours of disuse.
“Are you feeling better today?” asked Isak, his expression open and encouraging, albeit a little hesitant.
Even hummed and nodded slightly, his eyes never meeting Isak’s. He cleared his throat and said weakly, “I went to the kitchen to get something to eat.”
“Good.” Isak took one of Even’s hands into his and started to caress the back of it with his thumb. “That’s good.”
Even didn’t reply to that, only cleared his throat again and asked, finally summoning up enough courage to look directly at Isak, “How was your day?”
Isak’s smile widened until the fondness and relief reached his eyes. Even actively asking questions and showing interest meant that he was getting better, even though his eyes still lacked their usual spark and energy.
“Yeah, fine,” Isak replied. “The new lab equipment arrived today, so we spent the entire day trying to learn how to use it. It was great.” In spite of trying to, he could barely keep the excitement out of his voice.
Even gave Isak a small but genuine smile. He was so happy for him. So glad that earlier that year he had accepted the offer to stay at NTNU for a PhD. You wouldn’t find a more passionate neuroscientist than Isak Valtersen in the whole of Norway, maybe even the whole of Europe. He could do wonderful things, have a great academic career.
He could, if he didn’t have to look after me. Even’s expression turned grim again in an instant. He looked away from Isak, overcome by feelings of guilt and shame.
As if Isak could hear Even’s thoughts, he raised his hand and gently tucked a stray lock of Even’s hair behind his ear. Then, instead of putting the hand back in his lap, he kept it on Even’s cheek and caressed it softly while slowly pulling Even’s face up so that he could look at it. Sometimes, actions spoke louder and clearer than words and they both knew it.
Looking into his eyes, stroking his face, smiling at him lovingly, Isak tried to wordlessly tell Even everything he wanted him to know, everything Even needed to hear. That he would get better again. That he was loved. That he was not alone. That Isak was right there beside him.
Even closed his eyes. Suddenly, everything got a little too overwhelming for him. All the words he could say left his mind and only the well-known, peculiar mix of sadness and despair, love and hope remained. Isak’s arms circled around his shoulders in quiet comfort. Even sighed shakily and put his forehead on Isak’s shoulder. A few tears slipped from under his closed eyelids and rolled down his cheeks. He let them.
For the next few moments neither of them moved or said anything. Isak kept holding Even in his arms while Even tried to make sense of his thoughts and feelings and to find the right words for them again.
Then they heard it. The intro of a familiar song started playing on the radio. Even recognised it immediately. He opened his eyes wide, broke the embrace and locked his gaze with Isak’s in quiet determination. When the first verse of the song began, Even realised with unexpected contentment that the lyrics sounded like echoes of his own mind, heart and soul.
My greatest fear is we're just wasting tears
Wasting several years, still being round here
My greatest fear is maybe you will notice
I'm not what you wanted after all these years
With an alarming precision, those few words managed to describe Even’s worries of being nothing more than a burden to Isak, nothing but a stopper to his promising career, together with the insurmountable fear of Isak eventually realising all of that and deciding to end their relationship to finally free himself from the chains of Even’s bipolar disorder. Despite their brevity, those four lines of song lyrics thus managed to reveal the very core of Even’s internal conflict – the persistent feelings of being too much and not enough for Isak at the same time. Such a revelation was both fascinating and frightening for Even.
But just like many times before, Isak proved himself to be a true master of finding the right ways of reaction to Even’s expressions of excessively harsh self-evaluation. So when the next section of the song came, Isak recognised it as a great opportunity for him to have a silent conversation of two hearts and two souls with Even.
But I, I've got a very big hope for us
I'm gonna keep looking up for us
It's been a difficult year
Isak took both of Even’s hands into his own, laced their fingers together, brought them up to his lips and gently kissed the knuckles. Then, lip-synching some of the lyrics along with the singer he tried to show Even at least a fraction of what he and their relationship meant for him.
“And I, I still wanna make love with you
So where do we go from here?”
(What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?)
“I, I still think I belong with you,
I still wanna belong to you”
(So what do you want from me
What do you want from me now?)
In his life, Even kept marvelling at a plethora of different things but the most amazing of them all was Isak’s constant and irrefutable certainty that the two of them belonged together. Over the course of their seven-year-long relationship their everyday life with its numerous challenges definitely hadn’t always been a sunny walk in the park for either of them...
Your greatest fear is we're not getting wiser,
We're not wise at all
It's getting harder, harder to recover
From the night before, when you turn me on
...Nevertheless, Isak still firmly believed that it was something worth fighting for. Even’s heart overflowed with love and gratitude at the mere thought of it, let alone at the sight of Isak whispering the words Even was so desperate to hear from him.
„But I, I like to think of us moving on
I like to think of us getting on
So answer me where do we go from here,
Where do we go?
Because I, I still wanna get old with you
I still want us to grow“
(What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?)
“I, I still think I'm in love with you
I still feel you're the one”
(So what do you want from me,
What do you want from me now?)
The room was dark, illuminated by only a single bedside lamp and yet, Even was able to see the soft glint in Isak’s emerald eyes as clearly as in broad daylight. They were radiating warmth and fondness. Even was drawn to them like a moth to a flame, he couldn’t stop looking into them.
Has it crossed your mind we might already know?
If we only let it go?
Isak gave Even one of his slow, private smiles, then leaned in and rested his forehead against Even’s. Both of them closed their eyes and Isak continued to half-whisper to Even ardently until the end of the song.
“Yeah I, I still wanna have sex with you
I still wanna go out with you”
(So what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?)
“I, I think some days we're beautiful
I think some days we're not”
(So what do you want from me?
What do you want from me now?)
“Let's make it positive”
(What do you want from me?
What do you want from me now?)
“We're making progress here, so where shall we go?”
(So what do you want from me?
What do you want from me now?)
As the last tones of the song faded out, the radio programme once again became nothing but a murmur in the background. Even turned his head a little and buried his face in Isak’s neck with a quiet sigh. Isak’s hands promptly found their way into Even’s hair and started to stroke it languidly. Holding each other that way, they slowly melted into the embrace, enjoying the comfortable silence that stretched between them.
After a while, Even asked meekly, “Isak?”
“Yeah?” answered Isak, quietly.
“Would you help me shower, please?”
“Of course, baby,” Isak said, his fingers never ceasing to stroke through Even’s hair. “Now?”
Even hesitated. “Can we stay here for a little while longer?” he asked eventually, not willing to leave the comfort of Isak’s arms just yet.
“We can.” Although Isak’s voice didn’t really rise above a whisper, Even could still hear the small nostalgic smile it carried. Realising what moment from their shared past had probably been the cause of it, he smiled a little himself.
To say that Isak sometimes showered with Even would be a huge understatement. Considerably more often than not, the two of them had ended up together under a jet of hot water, washing away the stress and tiredness of a long day at school or work and greeting one another in their own special way after many hours of separation. Sometimes, these everyday reunions had turned rather quickly into passionate lovemaking sessions, sometimes, they had only hinted at what then actually happened somewhere else – in the bedroom or living room, kitchen or balcony.
This time, the nature of their encounter was both exactly the same as usual and completely different. When Isak helped Even undress, the slow and unhurried way in which his hands explored Even’s body could easily resemble their much-loved foreplay. But instead of to gradually increase the mutual excitement like other times, Isak’s main objective was to calm Even’s heart and ease his troubled mind. In the shower, with streams of water running down their heads and chests and limbs, Isak’s every move expressed his clear intent not to arouse or challenge or possess Even but to soothe him and heal him and always keep him safe.
Even revelled in this precious moment of unparalleled intimacy, immeasurable vulnerability and absolute trust. It was helping him gradually awaken his senses from their long, deep, depression-induced slumber. It kept filling every little bit of him with insane amounts of love for Isak over and over again.
Isak. The lighthouse guiding me through the endless sea of my doubts and insecurities.
Fresh out of the shower and dressed in clean clothes (plain black T-shirts and underwear), the two of them resumed their peaceful evening routine. Isak heated up the spaghetti for his dinner and Even nibbled at one of the two cinnamon rolls, claiming that he wasn’t really hungry. They ate in silence but not uncomfortable one. After dinner, Isak stayed in the kitchen to make some tea (jasmine for Even and Earl Grey for himself) while Even went straight back to bed.
Lying under the duvet, Even’s thoughts turned back to the events of the day. All of a sudden, he was hit with an onslaught of strong, ambivalent emotions. Large tears flooded his warm cheeks and started to pool on the pillow, no matter how hard Even tried to suppress them.
When Isak came from the kitchen, he put a steaming mug of tea on each of their bedside tables, climbed into bed and got under the covers. Snuggling closer he realised with horror that Even was crying silently.
“Shhh. Don’t cry, Evy, sweetheart,” said Isak, hugging Even tightly but tenderly to his chest and pressing soft little kisses wherever he could – to his cheeks and temples, on his nose and forehead, into his hair. Even tried to hug Isak back with equal fervour, wanted to melt into their embrace completely.
I love you, he wanted to tell Isak. I love you so much and I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m afraid that I won’t ever feel like being enough for you. I worry so much that in spite of everything we’ve been through, this – me – just can’t be what you really want.
“I love you, too, Evy,” Isak replied and held Even even closer. Right at that moment Even realised he must have said everything he had just thought about out loud. “You are more than enough for me, baby. You’re perfect,” Isak continued. “And this – you, us – is everything that matters to me and everything I want in life.”
Isak’s short speech touched Even right at the core of his heart. New tears welled up in his eyes but this time a small relieved smile appeared with them. Isak kept holding Even close, comforting him with kisses, caresses and softly spoken, sweet words of love. When the streams of Even’s tears finally stopped flowing, Isak pushed himself away a little – just enough to be able to see Even’s face properly.
“Let’s play a game”, he proposed with a kind yet determined smile and a mischievous glint in his eyes.
Even was certain he knew exactly what Isak was hinting at but he asked all the same, “What game?”
“It’s called Isak and Even: Five-minute challenge,” announced Isak solemnly.
Even raised his eyebrows in surprise a little. It wasn’t the reply he had expected to hear. “What happened to Minute by minute?” he wondered.
“Nothing. This is an expansion,” Isak explained calmly. “Every good game needs expansions. Take Carcassonne or The Settlers of Catan for example. They just wouldn’t be the same without them.” Isak spoke with such confidence that it seemed almost impossible to try and question his words. Not that Even wanted to do any such thing.
“Okay,” Even nodded, wanting to know more. “What is it about?”
Isak cupped Even’s cheek with one hand and began to stroke it with his thumb. Then he proceeded to explain the rules of the game. “It goes like this... We choose what we’re going to do... and then we have to keep at it for at least five minutes. Then we choose something else… Like this, we go on and on and on... One challenge at a time.”
Even’s heart fluttered with deep affection for the implicit message that Isak was trying to convey. He smiled sincerely instead of answering Isak straight away.
“So... Are you in?” Isak asked and then waited for Even’s decision patiently and without putting any pressure on him.
“Yeah,” confirmed Even. For a long moment they just gazed into each other’s eyes, not moving an inch, not saying a word. When Even finally broke the silence, it was to ask, “What are we going to do for the next five minutes?”
Isak’s response was immediate and definite, “For the next five minutes we’re going to cuddle and kiss.”
The corners of Even’s mouth rose of their own volition. That was a challenge he would gladly and eagerly accept and complete at any given time. “That’s chill,” Even said simply.
Isak nodded, “Completely chill.”
They moved at the same time and met somewhere in the middle, tangling their arms around each other securely. With closed eyes and wide grins they exchanged a few bunny kisses before their lips met in a slow, tender kiss.
At that moment, Even felt more awake than he had for the whole past week. His senses were becoming sharper again, taking Isak in in every possible way. His mind rejoiced at the new, hopeful thoughts and plans that kept coming to him. Sure, there was still some way to go before he would feel fully well again but with Isak by his side, Even felt like he could do it. The only thing they had to do was to take it one challenge at a time.
Together.