Of the Many Firsts

To live meant going through all sorts of experiences, the tough ones, the fun ones, the normal to even mundane ones. These are the building blocks of a rich and colourful life. Despite different circumstances and different outcomes of it all, everyone experiences the first time for something, like pulling out a name from a box of paper for a lucky draw, we too pull out different and yet random many firsts.

Chaewon can't remember some of the firsts, humans after all only retain the memory after a certain age. But she knew about her many firsts, seeing her first roll, her first step, her first soft food and various of her other firsts through pictures that her mom kept in the family albums.

They didn't own any camcorder back then, it was something that costs a lot to own, technologies are expensive when they are scarce, and yet Chaewon could vividly imagine herself going through the different many firsts when her parents told her the story about the time their precious baby did something new. The stories were told in such fondness that her parents' eyes sparkled, smiles escaping their lips and laughter full, that Chaewon couldn't help but to pretend she never heard them before. And so she kept asking for more, even to the point of repetitions.

At times she would even ask about the things she remembered, just so she could see the look her parents share.

The gazes that her mom and dad for each other as they retold the many stories was forever etched in Chaewon’s mind that it formed a conception in her mind. That was the first time she understood what love is and what love would look like on people’s faces. She was an outsider to that universe, watching how her parents gravitate and fill each other with adoration, wishing she found someone who would look at her the same way. Her very own partner in the small universe of two.

It had become her lifelong dream from then on, to find someone who would look at her the same way her dad looks at her mom. Dreamy, content, and happy.

She wanted her someone.

Even though she had no idea where to find him or who it would be, blindly searching for the one who will spend the rest of their life with her.

But she eventually found him, her first love, the next class boy who had long limbs and serene expression. He was not only friendly and good looking, she soon found out that he is the heart throb of every girl in the school.

Chaewon was first enthralled by his soft gaze, one that's like her father, gentle as if they're looking at something fragile and so was doing it with so much care. Then she paid attention to the way he had softly asked how she was, squatting down to reach her eye level.

It was that caring nature that had smitten Chaewon's heart. The way he held out his calloused hands that seemed too big for her, before assisting her to stand up from the grass she had been sitting on. How he talked in a voice so low and dreamy that Chaewon dreamed about it even days afterwards, a soft ‘sorry,' and a full sentence of 'wasn't aiming at you, but I'm glad it missed.'

The boy who oftentimes carried himself with confidence was blushing madly as he stood rigid, gaze not quite meeting hers. It was an adorable sight. He started to apologise profusely, regret written all over his face but Chaewon had long forgiven him. She just couldn't say it, the words lodged in her throat.

There was something about him that had captivated her whole being and the fact that he was red and sweaty, standing within arm’s reach didn’t help. She kept staring at the sculpted face and the tousled hair until eventually their eyes connected.

However even good things don't last and whatever connection she thought they had was broken when a voice called out to her. Hastily the boy let out another apology before turning around and running back to the field with the football in one hand.

“Are you okay?”

Chaewon nodded, answering the question. But then she was too distracted by the boy, eyes not leaving his lanky figure.

“Chaewon?”

A snap of fingers. She finally came to, realising that her friend, Sakura had been standing next to her, brows furrowed with eyes that looked like she was about to cry, the worries evident. She reassured the other girl with a smile and a pat on the shoulder.

“Yeah, I just slipped from the surprise, the ball didn't hit me,”

“Are you sure?”

Chaewon nodded again. It was odd how she was the one who was surprised and fell to the ground and yet why is it that Sakura looked like she was the one experiencing it? Her voice was shaky and she had been turning Chaewon around, inspecting her like she was a piece of China.

She could even hear the quiet mumbling from the other girl, ‘you've got dirt’ but Sakura kept her hands to herself, only directing Chaewon to clean that spot herself. It was on her bum which is only logical as she did fall bottom first. Patting the area to get the dirt off, Chaewon didn't feel any pain anywhere. She let out a quiet sigh, thankful for the grass which had probably softened the landing. A broken tailbone would be a nasty experience.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sakura repeats.

Chaewon didn’t know how else she was going to convince her friend that she wasn't hurt at all but as she opened her mouth, her eyes caught onto someone running on the field behind Sakura. It was the very same boy who had a pair of gentle eyes.

With one hand on her chest, Chaewon realised how her heart was beating abnormally fast.

“I am okay,” she whispered to no one but herself. “But I don't think my heart is.”

♪

Sakura's response was expected. A complete disbelief, debunking Chaewon's attempt in romanticising the situation.

"How on earth are you sure that he is the one?" she would ask after hearing the same story being rehashed for the umpteenth times.

Chaewon shrugged. "It didn't make sense but I just do,"

"Huh?" Sakura would question, "Make it make sense, there's thousands of words out there to describe love but you can't find something to explain how you're so sure he is the one?"

Chaewon sighed. It wasn't that easy, she thought. No mere words would ever be enough, it's something she just knows, like a gut feeling. As silly as it sounds, it's true, she can feel it in her bones, he is Chaewon's one.

How would she ever explain the way the boy made her feel, all warm and fuzzy inside without making it sound weird? It doesn't make sense to like someone, feeling the million butterflies in her stomach whenever the face appeared in her view. She gets sick from being anxious, all queasy, and unable to get a single word out until Sakura elbowed her on the side.

"Hello," the boy greeted them both.

While Chaewon struggled to croak out a hello as a response, Sakura does it with ease, but without a hint of friendliness. Seeing how his presence was unwelcomed, the boy sheepishly gave a slow nod before walking past the pair of friends.

"That was interesting," Sakura quipped moments later, after they walked far enough toward the end of the hallway. "He said hello,"

Chaewon let out a loud groan, closing her eyes in pain and embarrassment. "I know. I'm just... I can't help it, I'm shy,"

Feeling her knees weak, she latches onto Sakura's shoulder for support, wrapping her arms around like a sloth to a tree trunk.

“Look, Sakura,” she breathes into the other girl’s ear. “He was smiling,”

Sakura was always disinterested but she never ridiculed Chaewon. She’s the supportive friend who would take the fall, staring and reporting what the boy was up to.

“Yeah, he was. And don't turn around,” Sakura whispered hastily, stopping Chaewon from her spot. She lowered her voice and closed the distance between them. “He’s looking back,”

Seeing how Chaewon’s face was starting to redden, Sakura gestured for them to leave. And the brunette would bite her bottom lip in hesitation before giving a slight nod, an agreement. It took them a few moments after the boy disappeared from sight before Sakura decided it was safe to comment on the situation.

"That’s cute,"

"What is?" Chaewon scoffed angrily, still slightly embarrassed by the whole situation.

"You are. Your first crush, or is it your first lo-"

Sakura was cut off by surprise, finally noticing the presence of another boy standing awkwardly on the side, obviously waiting for her appearance. His face was beet red when he mumbled Sakura's name, holding out a small white envelope in his hand.

"Please take this," he said in between chattering teeth, it was obvious he was nervous to the point of shaking. There was a few seconds of silence filling the gap. But to Chaewon it had felt too long, regretting being caught in the situation. She who is an outsider was witnessing a love confession being made while she was there. It was as if they both didn't realise her existence.

The atmosphere was awkward, suffocating and she wanted Sakura to hurry with the rejection, like how she used to.

Chaewon had watched confessions being made countless times that she was desensitised to it. It was one of the perks of being friends with the most popular girl in the school. Witnessing confessions and Sakura getting love letters were daily occurrences.

However it was her first to be this close to the actual thing, standing right next to the person in the equation. It had felt wrong. She wasn't supposed to be there.

Chaewon unconsciously held her breath when she saw Sakura's jaw slackened.

"I'm sorry I can't reciprocate your feelings. But know that it’s received, I'm thankful,"

As soon as Sakura took the envelope he handed over, the boy took off running toward the opposite side. Instead of watching him, Sakura turned on her heels and walked back to their original destination, their class on the upper floor. It was as if the confession and the handing of the love letter didn't happen.

Chaewon was curious. "Won’t you read the letter?" she asked.

"I will. Once I'm alone. I need to respect his confession and privacy,"

"So you’re not letting me read it too?"

"Confessions are a very private thing Wonnie. It took them lots of strength to come up to me and hand this letter which I assume was written and rewritten with me in their mind. Knowing i can't accept their feelings, the very least I can do is to respect it,"

There was something in Sakura's voice that didn't sit right with Chaewon. How it sounded like pain. It was odd but she never questioned it, she felt no right to, or maybe she was scared to ask and get the answer when she wasn't prepared for it. She could only wonder why does Sakura sounded like she experienced it before, a rejection on her own.

"I need pointers," Chaewon said, playfully linking her pinkie finger with Sakura as they walked. It was a habit and her hand was warm, comfortable. Soft too.

"For what?"

"For when I do confess to him, that guy, the one,"

Sakura chuckled, lightly bumping Chaewon's shoulder with her own. "You'll be okay. What kind of person would ever reject you?"

"But what-"

Sakura stopped before Chaewon could finish her question, surprising her to follow suit.

"If that ever happens, if it ever then you know you always got me. Okay? I will never leave your side."

Chaewon knew that but she was still thankful to hear it from the person herself. An assurance that she will never be alone. She too would never leave Sakura's side.

As they reached their classrom, Chaewon remembered about the letter her friend had received.

What it would be like to be confessed by someone, she wondered. Would she be happy? Would she even accept? Would she put her friend first?

♬

Chaewon's first confession happened shortly afterwards, on the same field where the boy and her first held hands. She thought it was romantic, but it wasn't that significant to him (when asked long after they dated, he said he didn't remember).

The boy's hair was ruffled by the strong wind and so did Chaewon's skirt. But neither had deterred her strong resolve to convey the feelings she had kept inside. She wanted it to be known, she wanted them to be acknowledged and received. Most importantly, she wanted the feelings to be returned.

The sun was shining brightly on them then and Chaewon almost thought it was a mistake to be out on the field where there was no shade to protect them. She could feel beads of sweat forming on her back and also on her forehead.

The thought of being sweaty for her confession would not be attractive but it was something out of her control. They however made her to be more flustered and embarrassed that her cheeks felt hot, blushing madly. Even without saying a single word, she was sure her feelings were clear from how she was nervous wracked.

There goes her image, slowly going to ruins, right in front of her very first love.

“Chaewon,” the boy greeted, surprised with the sudden ambush by the girl. He hadn't expected the cute girl he had barely spoken to, Chaewon, to call out to him so suddenly after football practice. Glancing to the field, he was relieved that the other boys in the team had left. If they knew what had happened, there would be a lot of whistling and he wouldn't be comfortable with that. Luckily the boys are more bothered with either going home or hanging out as fast as they could.

There were however a few other people on the field, all minding their own business, standing far enough to not hear if Chaewon and the boy were to talk. Amongst those people, there was Sakura.

Chaewon had to stop her friend from leaving and waiting for her at the gate after she shared her plans.

‘A confession is supposed to be something private,’ Sakura had reasoned. But Chaewon couldn't accept it even if it was the ‘right’ thing to do. True, she would prefer to do the confession behind the school’s building where it would be only the two of them there, the boy and her.

But that would be ideal if her feelings were conveyed and accepted properly. What if it was not?

Chaewon was scared of rejection that she prepared Sakura to catch her when she fall down and cry. No matter how many times the other girl had assured her it was going to be fine, her mind blocked everything out completely and so she was completely terrified.

Even her palms were sweaty from the thoughts of it.

“Myungsoo,” she started, eyes darting to the side, avoiding contact. “I have something to tell you,”

The boy grinned, welcoming. He did not understand what was going on but realising that Chaewon was nervous - she had been tapping her foot on the grass - he kept his friendly smile up. “Yeah?”

Chaewon held back on the urge to scratch her neck and so she fiddle with her thumbs instead. It took her a while to prepare herself mentally and with one deep breath, she finally met the boy’s soft gaze.

‘I like you’ was said and there was an awkward pause, a few seconds of silence filling the air as the boy registered what was being said to him. With pink streaks forming on his cheeks, it was his turn to look at his shoes as if it was more interesting than the confession he had received.

“Thank you.”

Sakura who had been watching the whole thing going down from her spot a few feet away was getting antsy. But when she saw Chaewon turning to her with a thumbs up in the air, Sakura let out the breath she had unconsciously held in. She was glad it had turned out favourably, she had no doubt about it. Chaewon is after all a very lovely girl and the person who would ever reject her is the dumbest person on earth.

Still relieved, Sakura left the field, remembering how bright her friend’s smile was then. How happy and how precious. Chaewon could light up the world’s worth of lightbulbs, she mused.

♪

After confessing to the very boy, he agreed for a date which turned into many more dates afterwards. And on their fifteen date, after constant doubt and questioning if he actually likes Chaewon back or if it was just him being nice and unable to say no, she picked up the courage to hold his hand. Taking that as a sign for more, he leaned forward, closing the distance between their faces until she felt his breath on her skin. It was a nerve wracking experience, the anticipation, and she wasn't sure if she should be closing her eyes or should she stare right in his eyes and possibly into his soul.

Unable to decide, as the boy's dry lips meet hers clumsily and awkwardly like all first kisses are, she shut her eyes in the end. It resulted in their front teeth accidentally hitting each other. The experience was uncomfortable and was slightly painful too that they couldn't help but to chuckle after pulling away. Chaewon's first kiss felt terrible.

And it definitely wasn't what she had expected.

After constantly googling on how to kiss and talking about it to Sakura who was the least interested in the whole idea, it surprised Chaewon with the awkward contact of their lips.

"Should I moisturise my lips beforehand?" she had asked during an afterschool walk back home with Sakura. They had their hands in each other, walking in tandem when the thought occurred in her mind. Sakura was humming questioningly, clearly unamused.

"What do you mean moisturise your lips? Lip balm or with your own saliva?"

Sakura continued, giving her own two cents before Chaewon could answer. "That’s a turn off,"

"Hey!" Chaewon retaliated, pulling her hand away from the other girl. Sakura didn't hide her disappointed face, letting her hand hang awkwardly in the air.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled under her breath “I don't know about kissing any more than you do,"

Chaewon sighed in understanding. Seeing how Sakura still had her hand out, waiting, she held it and they continued with their walk back. What her friend had said was true, they're new to this and both of them are practically virgins in kissing. What they knew about it are the things they watched from TV shows, dramas and the things they read from novels.

"Should I practice?" Chaewon asked.

"How?"

"I don't know… Teddy bears?"

She shrugged but even she herself knew the absurdity of the idea. Seeing how Chaewon started to chuckle, Sakura followed, infected and unable to hold it in.

Teddy bears!

Their laughter turned to full, their joyous 'haha's and 'hehe's filling the street, lasting until they came to stop right in front of Chaewon's home.

"You’ll be fine," Sakura said out of the blue, giving the other girl’s hand a light squeeze before letting go.

"With the kissing?"

"Yeah. Don't they show it in movies, how you get the sparks and fireworks feelings in your chest when your lips meet? That instant connection, the electricity surging and everything… It's not the technique, I think it's all about the feelings you poured into the kiss,”

Chaewon nodded, taking mental note of what was said.

"Maybe it's something people are naturally good at. I mean looking at how it was in shows, kissing doesn’t look that hard. So I guess you just… gotta do what feels right," Sakura continued, a smile escaping her lips as she got embarrassed halfway through her explanations. "And do what feels good to you,"

However when faced with the real thing, kissing him doesn't give Chaewon that explosive feeling. Unlike how movies and novels describe kissing, it had surprised her when she had felt no sparks or fireworks. It was just loud, the deafening sound of her heart beating in her chest.

To make matters worse, aside from their teeth clashing, the boy's lips were also rough and chapped from dryness. Added with the fact that Myungsoo had smelled musky, not the good kind, Chaewon has never expected to be relieved when it ends, after scrunching her nose and holding her breath in.

Why does people glorify kissing when it feels that way? Chaewon wondered. It doesn't even feel right… Nor was it good. She wanted to go home as soon as possible so she can tell Sakura how wrong her friend was.

♫ ♪

What Chaewon had not expected however was that with every first love, it was inevitable that she would be getting her very first heartbreak. Months after they started dating, Chaewon received a text from Sakura informing that the other girl wanted to come over to her home. The request had come out of the blue that Chaewon couldn't help but to ponder why.

The pair would usually discuss things they wanted to do together earlier in the day before agreeing on meeting. They often would do sleepovers too but never at the very last minute.

Being next door neighbours, it had not taken Sakura long to be knocking at her door. She was invited inside by Chaewon's father and walked right to Chaewon's room like it was her own house.

"What were you up to?" was the first question Sakura had asked when she stepped inside, plopping herself on Chaewon's bed.

"Homework,"

Sakura immediately sat upright, panic flashing across her face. "Do we have homework?”

Chaewon couldn't help but to chuckle as she showed the book she was writing on toward Sakura. It was science homework and she was struggling with the concept of cells when she got the text to come over.

"I wouldn't be surprised if you're going to be labelled as a delinquent one of these days," she commented.

"The honor student turned delinquent, that would be amazing. A story told through time by teachers, something for the future generation to take note of. Just because she missed out a single science homework, she suddenly changed and her whole life spiraled from there,"

They both laughed after imagining the scenario in their head. It was ridiculous, Sakura is the perfect model student after all. Not only is she envied for her looks, she is also the school’s best student, excelling academically. Though when it comes to sports, Sakura would fail big time. P.E. is her least favorite time for reasons.

Even then, she still has plenty of admirers, waiting for their turn to confess to the ice princess.

The thought made Chaewon scoffed, she doesn't understand how popular her friend actually is. And yet Sakura never accepted any of the confessions, it was as if she wasn't even interested in dating.

As Chaewon closed the book in her hand, she saw the other girl standing up from the bed in her peripheral view. Thinking that Sakura was about to leave now that she had realised she had homework to be done, it surprised Chaewon when she turned around and Sakura was instead staring at her.

The other girl was smiling initially but it didn't take Chaewon long to see that there was something else in Sakura's expression, something she was not familiar with. She was starting to feel that homework wasn't the reason Sakura wanted to come over in the first place.

Something was wrong and she grew nervous with the tense air in the room. Her stomach felt like it had dropped lower with every step Sakura had taken in closing the gap between them.

"What’s wrong?" she asked, finally.

Instead of answering, Sakura held Chaewon's hands, both of them safely in her own and her gaze softened. Lightly caressing the hands with her thumbs, Sakura whispered slow, "I have something I need to tell you…"

A pause. She was being careful in her words and the way she was saying them.

"I hesitated on saying this since it's not something I should meddle in… So it took me a while to come to a decision in telling you. Figured you deserve to know."

Another collected breath before Sakura continued, "Chaewon, you know that I love you. I care for you and your happiness matters to me so it pains me to tell this but… Myungsoo was cheating on you. I saw him kissing a girl from school last Sunday,"

Chaewon screeched out a loud 'what?!' as she pushed Sakura's hands off her own. "Did you hear yourself? That's impossible!"

"But I saw it. I saw them. They were in to-"

"No!" Chaewon cut the other girl off. She was fuming mad, unable to believe her own friend. To her it was all a lie, something Sakura had made up.

She couldn't understand why the need to, but at that point, the reason doesn't even matter.

"No, Chae, Chaewon, Wonnie, please listen,"

Everything Sakura said afterwards, her pleas, her begging, they all fell on deaf ears. Every touch or attempt to, was swatted aside harshly.

She was taken aback, especially hurt when Chaewon pushed her back. Sakura's usual confidence and collected composure broke in her desperation to convince her friend.

"Shut up Sakura! Cut the bullshit! You're just freaking jealous of us. Of me! Just admit to it now that I have a boyfriend, I no longer spend that much time with you and you're feeling neglected! So now you’re making stuff up because you need the attention! You’re a freaking liar!"

Her face immediately fell. It was a hopeless situation for Sakura and she stood still, feeling powerless and in pain that her own best friend would choose to believe the boyfriend instead of her. How did it turn out this way, she had wondered days afterwards. Her intention was pure, she just wanted Chaewon to know of Myungsoo's nature.

But how and why had it turned to be her that's being screamed and cussed at, she couldn't understand. Why wouldn't her best friend try to listen? Denial would be a normal response but she hadn't expected it to be that harsh.

Sakura thought it was pointless and was about to give up but as she processed the whole situation in her head, she came to a quiet resolve. She rather be hated for the truth than to let her best friend be fooled by a cheating asshole.

"Since you wouldn't believe me, here! A photo of them!" Sakura hastily pulled her phone out and shoved it into Chaewon's face.

The photo was blurry, obviously taken from far and was zoomed in. But the person in the photo was clearly Myungsoo, he had worn the grey beanie Chaewon had gotten him as a present, paired with the same bag and the same simple black outfit he usually wore for their dates together.

The damned boy had his arms around another girl, long haired brunette but their faces were hidden from view as they were too close together. It would be hard to prove that they were kissing but from the angle and the hug, it wouldn't be an exaggeration. Worse was that there wasn't any gap between their bodies either, as if they're trying to merge themselves into a single entity.

The sight and the thought of it made Chaewon sick to the stomach. And yet she couldn't help but to believe in Myungsoo, still. After all, how could her ego ever accept that she was being two-timed behind her back, it was unthinkable. It was impossible! And thus, by her skewed logic, it was still untrue.

"Get out!" she screamed at last.

However seeing how Sakura had no intention to move, Chaewon had to resort to push and kick her friend out of her room as she threw insults around, calling Sakura names.

'Stupid!', 'Ugly!', 'Liar!', 'Dumbass!' were among the things that were said, followed by the sentence that stung Sakura the most, ringing in her head from days to even months afterwards, 'I hate you!'.

Her whole body froze when it was said, stunned and Chaewon took the chance to give the girl one last push, sending Sakura tripping over her own feet, falling down right in front of the room's entrance. The door was slammed in her face right away.

Sakura was not only hurt that night, the shame and embarrassment when she saw Chaewon's mother watching her leaving the house had kept her awake for hours. The next day, for the first time, Sakura, the infamous model student, had finally skipped school, calling in sick. She was eventually down with high fever to the point of staying home for days afterwards.

The family doctor didn't inform her parents then but he had figured Sakura's emotional turmoil had wrecked her immune system that she became more susceptible to viruses.

However, she wasn't the only person affected. Chaewon's family were extremely concerned for Chaewon that night after the fight, knocking on the door to check up on the girl. After getting zero response, they would leave food outside of her room and let the girl be, hoping her rage would cool off with passing time.

While they were surprised that the soft Chaewon could ever be that mad, they were also shaken by the fact that the Sakura and Chaewon pair who never fought were screaming at each other (it was mostly Chaewon who had screamed but Sakura did let out a ‘frick you Won’ before leaving their home).

The rare occurrence, their very first fight was such a big deal that no one dared to bring the matter up for days.

Everything changed from then on. Chaewon still went to school and every friend of theirs (also teachers) were surprised to see that she was alone. It felt jarring to even herself but to have people pointing out how weird and unnatural she had looked without her best friend struck Chaewon hard.

"Where's Sakura?" they would ask.

And Chaewon would shrug for the umpteenth times, not knowing what and where the other girl was.

After preparing herself to give Sakura a silent treatment the whole week, it hadn't occurred to her that the absence would be sorely missed. Like missing a limb, she felt a part of her gone and that she as a person, was incomplete.

Even the boy couldn't fill that empty space.

Chaewon, who had started to resent Sakura for trying to ruin her happiness and her confidence in her 'one', had also felt pain.

How could she be so foolish in choosing someone she had barely known over her best friend, one who had stayed with her through thick and thin, one who had promised she would never leave? And so Chaewon resorted to avoiding the boy as well, remembering he was the reason for her feud with Sakura.

Their first fight lasted for three days, ending with Chaewon lowering her ego and going over to Sakura's house. Being childhood friends, Sakura's mother let the girl in and she slowly reached for her best friend's room, nervous and feeling terrible with herself.

"Sakura?" she asked, peeking inside the room. Seeing that her best friend was sleeping, all wrapped up in a blanket and showing no sign of waking up, Chaewon walked in carefully, closing the door behind her.

She watched Sakura's sleeping face, her expression serene and peaceful, unlike how they had parted ways a few days ago. There were so much rage, anger and frustration then, the expression that didn't quite fit her friend.

Chaewon pulled a chair and sat right next to the bed, watching the slow rise and fall of the sick girl's chest.

Carefully, she placed her palm on Sakura's forehead, checking the girl's temperature. It was mild, a sign that the fever was going away.

Chaewon let out a small sigh of relief before reaching for Sakura's right hand that was slightly peeking out of the blanket. She held the hand loosely in hers, caressing it softly before intertwining their fingers together. It felt odd to be doing so on her own but God, she misses her other half so much.

"I'm sorry," Chaewon whispered, noting the softness of the hand she was holding. She was used to it and yet it’s the first time that she had made the comparison. The boy's rough hand wasn't to her liking, she finally admits.

"I know you were right and yet I couldn't accept it, that he was cheating on me. I mean… I've seen the sign, he was getting more distant but I closed one eye over the irregularities and his absence. It's only been a couple of months since we got together but God… He's a jerk…"

Chaewon felt a squeeze of hand and when she looked up, her eyes met with Sakura's gentle gaze. She felt bad to have woken up her friend but she was also hoping that the other girl had heard her apology.

"Won,"

Chaewon hummed a response, sign that she's listening and paying attention to what the other girl is going to say next.

"Repeat after me," Sakura said with her voice hoarse.

Chaewon nodded.

"Myungsoo,"

"Myungsoo," she repeats after her friend.

"Is an asshole,"

"Is an - what?!" Chaewon broke into laughter. It had caught her off guard, the randomness. While it was true and she herself had thought of how the boy is an ass, to actually say it out loud felt silly.

"Come on, say it," Sakura said between giggles. She tugged Chaewon's hand lightly, coaxing her to follow through.

"Alright, alright,"

Chaewon took a deep breath, a small chuckle escaped her before she held it in to finally say the whole sentence with a strong conviction, loud and clear. "Myungsoo is an asshole!"

They both laughed, full. There was happiness resonating from their faces, mixed with relief and there was also small regret. They're both glad with how things had turned out, both had been worrying their relationship would change. But thankfully, everything went right back to normal.

What they didn't know that evening was that their laughter had filled the hallways of Sakura's home and both parents were listening in, comforted that their daughters were friends once more.

Placing her trust completely on her best friend and accepting what she previously couldn't, Chaewon finally broke the relationship off with the boy, directing her anger to its rightful place (person). He had not only betrayed her by dating another girl behind her back but to Chaewon it was unforgivable since the whole thing had also resulted in her first fight with Sakura. She never wanted to do it again, choosing anyone else over her best friend.

Her heartbreak luckily did not last long and Chaewon knew despite being her first love, there was no way he was her 'one'.

♫

Chaewon pulled her phone out, reading the text she had received moments ago. It was from her best friend who is also her next door neighbor, Miyawaki Sakura. The girl had sent a single 'okay' sticker of a cartoon cat holding its thumbs up (Do cats even have thumbs? Chaewon questioned afterwards), a response for the request she sought earlier. As expected, Sakura agreed.

The girl would hardly say no to Chaewon's wish, she knew that but still she had to ask. The texts serve as evidence, just in case Sakura's family were to inquire about their plans.

"Great, see you soon," Chaewon whispered to herself as she typed a reply back to her friend.

She hung her school jacket on the clothes rack before throwing herself on the bed, waiting for the promised time.

The house was silent, eerily quiet unlike normal and it made Chaewon slightly nervous. It was as if she could hear if a pin was to be dropped in the kitchen downstairs. She had been watching too much crime and investigation TV shows lately that her mind started to make up scenarios, people using the crowbar to pick the windows apart, breaking into her house. There could be jewelry in her parent’s room of course and if anyone were to stake the house out, they would've known that Chaewon was left alone for the day.

Her whole family had left earlier in the morning, waving her goodbye in their white sedan, going for an overnight stay in the next town due to her father's business. Chaewon would've joined the trip if it was not her having to attend the senior's compulsary classes, as preparation for finals. Begrudgingly, she had to stay home. Her parents had even suggested that Chaewon should invite Sakura over for their usual sleepovers.

Pouting, Chaewon was about to retaliate, she rather follow join them, taking Sakura along when an idea popped up in her mind. It was one she had been thinking of but remained just an idea as she was lacking place and time to do. But with the whole family leaving, it was a perfect opportunity. And so she had agreed.

After giggling over her perfect execution of the plan, Chaewon closed her eyes, a little tired from all the studying earlier that day. She needed a nap.

Exactly an hour passed when the doorbell rang. Groggily, Chaewon rose from her bed and walked downstairs, heading straight to the door.

"Pizza delivery," the person on the other side announced.

"Ha, ha, funny," Chaewon rolled her eyes. However true to the words said, when she opened the door, Chaewon was greeted with the sight of Sakura holding onto a large box of pizza.

"Technically it's also Sakura delivery since I'm here to deliver myself,"

Chaewon laughed, letting the other girl inside her home before locking the door behind them.

"What’s with the pizza?"

"Mom said you probably had nothing to eat so she told me to get this for us. It's pepperoni, the usual,"

"Aww mummy…"

"Well she also said you're a terrible cook when I had suggested that you and I cook instead of- Ow!"

Sakura yelped in surprise, receiving a sharp jab of the elbow on her side. Her grin grew wider when she noticed the frown on her best friend's face.

"So what are we going to do tonight?"

Chaewon's look of displeasure was wiped off in an instant. She quickly dragged the other girl up the stairs and into her room. As Sakura set the pizza down on the table, Chaewon rummaged through her closet and pulled out half a dozen cans of beer.

"Won…" Sakura trailed off as she inspected the cans, taking them off Chaewon's hands.

“How….?"

Giggling, Chaewon pulled out a card next, showing it off proudly. "Fake ID,"

"Sneaky girl, Kwon Eunbi," Sakura said, reading the name on the card. She was impressed, cocking an eyebrow up in confusion. "But seriously… How? Who? Where?"

Another laugh before Chaewon sat down on the floor in the middle of the room, grabbing a slice of pizza and stuffing it in her mouth. Sakura followed suit, sitting on the opposite side of her best friend with pizza in one hand and a can of beer in another. She excitedly pulled the tab up, opening the can which lets out a slow carbonated fizzle. The smell however had her taken aback, surprised with the slight sourly unpleasantness.

"Oh, that's… Remember the college guy I've been talking to? One that we've met at the karaoke place?" Chaewon asked between bites to which Sakura nodded, finally looking up from her un-sipped beer.

"He helped me get in touch with a friend of his who do this stuff, making fake IDs,"

"Niceeee," Sakura commented. "So…" She paused, loosening her grip onto the can and holding it tighter, a clear hesitation showing on her face. "Are you and the college guy…?”

Instead of finishing her sentence of a question, Sakura gestured something with her fingers and then nervously glanced at the other girl.

"Huh… Oh…" it took Chaewon a few seconds to understand what her friend was implying. "No, no, the college guy was interested in you... He asked for your number but you never said yes to me giving it away so… Whatever that was, the talking phase ended right away. There was nothing between us,"

"Ah, I'm sorry about that,"

"Nah, it's fine. He's cute but he's not it… Anyway!" Chaewon grabbed a can of the cass beer, holding it out in her hand. "Drink!"

Sakura was feeling apologetic, it wasn't the first time that it had happened, boys approaching Chaewon because they wanted access to her. She doesn't like that people are taking advantage of her friend. However, seeing how the other girl was avoiding the subject by suggesting that they started drinking, Sakura pushed the matter to the back of her mind, holding her own can in the air, lightly hitting Chaewon's.

"Cheers,"

"Cheers."

They weren't of age yet and it was supposed to be a relaxing and innocent sleepover. But that was their first alcoholic drink, a light beer which tasted foreign, slightly bitter and sour but it was even a little sweet. Chaewon had winced on her first sip, not expecting the drink to smell that strong.

But as they drank and ate, talking about school, then about their childhood days, the mood slowly lightened up. Both Sakura and Chaewon ended up laughing a lot that night, buzzing. Even when the two lightweights felt the world spinning around and they blacked out drunk, that night turned out to be a memorable experience.

Chaewon's family wasn't that impressed when they found the duo sleeping on the floor with empty beer cans around them the next day. They had to skip school, calling in sick because of the hangover. Of course the underage drinking did not go unpunished as both Sakura and Chaewon were grounded (fake ID confiscated) for two weeks. Unable to meet each other after school, they had video calls every night, solidifying the relationship with a newly formed routine.

♬

Chaewon jiggled the set of keys in her hand, showing them off giddily.

"Hold up! You… You lied to me Won! You said you failed and I spent days tryna cheer you up!" Sakura half screamed, her eyes wide and round, staring onto the keys in her best friend's hand. Seeing how Chaewon was smiling smugly, she knew she had been fooled.

"Hey!"

Chaewon laughed, making a peace sign with her fingers. "Sorry Kkura, I just need to keep it a secret until mom gave me a pass to drive you around,"

Sakura gasped loudly.

"Which meant she said yes?"

"Uhuh, so let's go,"

"Now?"

"Yup, now,"

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere only I know.”

It technically wasn’t Chaewon’s first drive but it was her first without an adult supervision. After a month of hiding that she had gotten her driving license (when she had told Sakura she had failed), she had been practicing with her father sitting on the passenger seat, giving directions like an instructor would. At times he would bark orders, like ‘stop!’ or ‘slow down, you’re too close!’ and they were annoying. Especially she was already pretty nervous trying not to get into an accident.

Chaewon was getting comfortable being in the driver’s seat when her father gave the green light for her to drive her friends around in their blue hatchback. The other car had belonged to her mother and it was smaller in size. So they assumed it would be easier for her to handle, being a beginner.

With Sakura on the passenger seat, safely secured by the seat belt, Chaewon started driving. The other girl has no idea where they’re heading to but she trusted her best friend. It would be a short trip, Chaewon said, telling Sakura to just bring her wallet, her phone and her body.

“So I can just leave my heart and soul back home?”

“Oi, pack them too, they’re the most important,”

The girl laughed, but not before agreeing with Chaewon's point. “Aight, aight,”

Sakura was nervous at first. But as the car went down the road smoothly unlike her expectations, her muscle relaxed and she had no longer clenched her hands tight. She even mouthed 'wow' a couple of times, impressed with her friend's skill.

“Wow," she repeats. "Look at you driving… Hey, remember those times we had to walk back from town because we had missed the bus?”

“Oh, God, yes, it was a really hot day! I remember because we were drenched from sweat!”

Their conversations continued throughout the drive, talking about random things from food (‘Peanut butter with or without jelly?’) to the most mundane topic ever, the weather (‘It rained last night so I’ve been sleeping well,’ ‘I don’t like rain that much.’)

At times they would even reminisce about the good old days (when they aren’t even old), laughing about the silly little things (‘Remember you tripping over nothing during sports day two years ago?’) and bringing up the names of people in the past. (‘How was Myungsoo doing?’ Sakura had asked with a smirk. ‘Dunno. I do hope karma bites him back and he gets cheated on, that asshole.’)

However as time passed, they both started to feel a little tired of talking, unable to find anything worth bringing up. It was then that Sakura realized that the car’s audio system was connected to Chaewon’s phone and it had been playing songs from the girl’s personal playlist. Recognising the song as she had heard it before, Sakura hummed along.

And Chaewon started singing.

"I wonder how many times

Can people fall in love in the span of a lifetime?

If I could have just one unforgettable love story

I'd be satisfied

Maybe flowers start to bloom

When they feel such an emotion as this

I feel you!

I touch you!

I hold you!

Inside my dreams

My imagination

Gets bigger and bigger"**

Both of them ended up doing a karaoke session in the car, screaming onto their imaginary microphone until their throats sore. With exaggerated hand gestures and at times head bobbing along to the songs, they would receive curious stares from other people that were looking from the outside.

But in that moment both Sakura and Chaewon were in their own world, having fun the way they both know. Who would've guessed singing together in a car could be that enjoyable. Laughter, bright faces, shared jokes and exaggerated gestures. Turned to a beautiful memory they hoped would be cemented forever in their mind.

Sakura thought the trip couldn’t get any better but she was surprised when she found out that their destination was the beach in the next town. It had taken longer than expected because Chaewon was being extra careful with her driving but as soon as she had safely parked the car, Sakura took off toward the sandy ground, leaving her friend to chase after her with giggles. The girl eventually caught up but as she grabbed onto her friend, she tripped and they both fell on the ground, cushioned by the sand.

The wind was blowing that one summer day, the air was salty and their laughter were accompanied by the loud but calming sound of the crashing waves.

“Should we disappear together?”

The question which was said in a quiet whisper however didn’t reach the person it was intended for.

♩

Chaewon’s first time living away from home came at the same time as everyone else, after she had graduated from high school and enrolling herself in college. However trouble between her and Sakura arises then as they both had applied into different majors, Sakura was into business studies while Chaewon had chosen to go into performance art. They thought that they could probably apply to live in the same hostel but being in different departments, their buildings were on the opposite sides of the campus.

"We’re gonna go to different classes…" Chaewon whined.

Sakura nodded, waiting.

"Not seeing each other every single day… Having a different life…." she trailed off.

"We’re living apart…" Chaewon continued in a whisper, taking Sakura's hand in hers, intertwining it and refusing to let go. Not that Sakura ever wanted to pull away.

"Yeah,"

"I don’t-" a sniffle and Sakura smiled warmly. She watches as her best friend tries to wipe the lone tear on her cheek using the back of her hand. However Chaewon missed, and Sakura reached out, wiping it away with her thumb instead. The gentle action filled with affections made Chaewon frown, reminding her how they were going to be separated by distance from then on.

"I don't want to," she said, finally finishing her incomplete sentence.

"Neither do I," a small sigh escaped Sakura but she was still smiling, reassuring. "But we have to. You'll be okay,"

"What if I won’t?"

"Call for me and I'll come right away,"

"Promise?"

Sakura laughed seeing Chaewon holding her pinky finger up. They both know she didn’t need to promise. Sakura has always and will always come for her friend. However she linked her own pinky finger with Chaewon's anyway, doing it hoping to assure and soothe her friend of her worries.

"I take-"

"I know," Sakura whispered, cutting Chaewon off. She continued, "You take pinky promises very seriously."

They shared a knowing smile.

"So do I. Chaewon, I promise I'll come for you."

♪ ♫

There's always firsts to every experience, and every meeting.

However Chaewon couldn't remember the first time she had met Sakura. It was not a blur but rather she had known the other girl her whole life that she never questioned when. Sakura was just there, from the very start, her existence was accepted as something natural, like she was a part of Chaewon herself. She was there in every photograph since their very childhood, in classroom photos, school activities to annual birthday celebrations, Sakura was always next to her, smiling, holding Chaewon’s hand.

Their other friends thought of it as odd at first, how Sakura would also be in Chaewon's family gathering, invited as if she was one of them, as if she had shared the same bloodline. The same happened in Sakura's family as they would also bring Chaewon along for every occasion.

They had spent summer breaks together at beaches, and were also together when Sakura's parents had plans for Singapore, braving through the hot and humid weather that made their armpits sweat profusely. It turned to be one of the funny story thet had spoken about from time to time, how they had to hide the area under the arm as they were soaked. Running into air conditioned buildings was an extreme sport then. Sakura even owned a Polaroid photo of them with the back view of the infamous Merlion, both had caps on, smiling as bright as the noon's sun.

They're the inseparable duo, always together, wherever and wherever. A two in one deal.

However as they grow up it's only natural to grow slightly apart. Unfixed, as time passed the tiny crack in their friendship grew bigger and started splitting the two best friends away. Even when they had promised to be together forever.

After life in college started, they had spent less time together due to the distance between their hostels and both being busy with endless amounts of assignments, projects, surveys and lectures.

31/08/20xx

‘Come over kkura, it’s too quiet,'

'Open the door, I'm right outside.'

01/09/20xx

'I have extra ice creams. Want one?'

'Mint choco?'

'Best flavor, fight me,'

'It’s only you who likes that. But gimme a minute I'm coming,'

'Yay, my bait worked.'

03/09/20xx

'Fried chickens?'

'Tonight 6pm.'

05/09/20xx

'We have drama performance for acting class and I'm in it,'

'As a tree?'

'Wow, bold of you to assume… But yes. A majestic 100 years old tree, centre of the stage, under the spotlight,'

'10/10 would watch. Save me a ticket?'

'Front row seat for you,'

'Oh wait, I'm sorry i have a field trip that day,'

'Next time, kay?'

'Okay^^,'

17/09/20xx

'My class starts late, breakfast?'

'Sorry mine is ongoing, lunch instead?'

'Can’t, class in hall 7 wouldn't make it over even if i run,'

'Rain check?'

'Okay.'

02/10/20xx

'Meet up at McDonalds?'

'Not today. 3 pages essay, with proper citations,'

08/10/20xx

'Let’s go to the mall,'

*Chaewon sent a photo*

'Daym, insane workload. Work hard.'

20/10/20xx

'Good luck for midterms,'

'You too^^,'

19/11/20xx

'Hey,'

'S'up?'

'Nothing,'

'Aight, saem.'

17/12/20xx

'Will you be going back home this upcoming semester break?'

'Yeah. See you @ home?'

' :) ,'

From daily meet-ups, it slowly turned to weekly dates and then barely seeing each other in a month. During their third semester in college, both Sakura and Chaewon had only met each other once they're both back home on short breaks.

After delivering extra food her mom had prepared for the neighbor, Sakura who had become a much quieter person from her bare minimum of socialisation with everyone, stood in front of Chaewon's room awkwardly. For the first time, she hesitated on breaching her friend's privacy even though she thought such a thing didn't exist between them over the years. Knocking on Chaewon's door felt weird, but she couldn't do as she pleased while barging into the room is not an option. Who knows what the other girl is up to.

Still contemplating, Sakura almost jumped in surprise when the door opened from the inside. A small gasp was heard and she met face to face with an equally startled Chaewon. The other girl was as beautiful as ever, even when she was in an oversized shirt and shorts.

"Hey, Won… I was just… M-mom had me sending food over and I thought about checking up on you," said Sakura, stuttering a little, flustered by the encounter she wasn't prepared for.

"It’s been a while, Kkura,"

"Yeah."

Chaewon smiled, not knowing what to respond to that, and yet seeing the familiar face gives her a nostalgic feeling, a little emotional with the past. Only then she realised that she missed the other girl, badly.

"Want to come in for a bit?" Chaewon asked, swallowing the next few words she wanted to say but didn't. 'And maybe catch up,' was stuck in her throat that had closed up, nervous as well.

Sakura shrugged before nodding but it had sent a mixed signal for Chaewon. Now she was unsure if the other girl felt obliged to or if she wanted to as well. But as the awkwardness sets in the longer they stood in front of the door, Chaewon reached out to her friend and pulled Sakura inside. Following the hold on her arm that felt burning to the touch, she wished Chaewon wouldn't let go, but she did eventually. Sakura hid her disappointment by instead taking her chance in looking around the room she had spent most of her childhood and teenage years in.

Nothing had changed. It was still the same old room, one she had known all her life. Probably since they had been staying in hostels, Chaewon had no time nor resources to change anything over the years. Except them and the slightly awkward relationship.

"What’s up?" Chaewon asked, sitting on the bed and patting the spot next to her. Sakura took it as a green light and sat down, but not without giving space between them. When did she started to care about Chaewon's personal space, she wondered. They never had any but now it felt like there was an invisible wall between them. Unspoken rules.

"Nothing much. Was resting, doing more assignments and waiting for emails,"

Chaewon nodded, understanding. She had her fair share of assignments and team projects too.

"What’s up with you? I saw your Instagram stories, the dance competition looked fun,"

"Yeah, it was fun. We won too so that was a pretty amazing experience,"

Then there was a quiet pause which stretched too long for comfort. Awkward silence filling the spaces as they couldn't find anything to talk about, both waiting for the other to start saying something, anything. They never had much in common but now they are growing apart the differences were too much to not be noticed.

Thankfully, a phone notification sound broke the tension and Chaewon turned around to grab her device, the screen lightening up momentarily. Sakura didn't mean to snoop but it was in her view, a text from someone, a man's name with two heart emoji next to it. Who? When? How? She had tons of questions but she didn't know how to ask.

Instead of letting herself be burdened by things that are better unknown, Sakura stood up, flashing an apologetic smile.

"I'll get going now,"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. See you soon, I guess,"

That ‘soon’ didn't happen, not until a few months after.

♬

Both Sakura and Chaewon graduated on time, but not together, not when their department's graduation days were held on two separate days. Sakura was there with a bouquet of roses in her hand, standing next to Chaewon's parents as they watched the ceremony. Pleased was an understatement, they were proud, their chest had swelled with happiness the moment Chaewon's name was announced and the girl walked on the stage with an undeterred air of confidence. If she was nervous, it didn't show.

She was all smiles, bright and it shows even through the large screens in the hall. Sakura could almost hear the clicking of the four inch stiletto heels as Chaewon struts over, standing right next to the VIP with their hands on the scroll. A much dazzling smile was flashed before she walked down the stage. It was Chaewon's personal ten seconds of fame, with more than a thousand pairs of eyes fixed on her. To Sakura, Kim Chaewon deserved every single one of the attention.

How Sakura wished they could cheer for her friend, however it was a formal event, and screaming was prohibited. To make up for it, she clapped as hard as she could, keeping the screaming inside her chest. When Chaewon stepped down and it was another person's turn to walk on the stage, only then did Sakura feel pain and saw how her hands were red.

After the ceremony was over she waited with Chaewon's parents, eager to present the roses she had bought, which she had carefully picked every stem herself. She was confident that Chaewon would love them as much as the bouquet that the girl's mother was holding.

The graduates appeared moments later, exiting in line due to the formality and Chaewon walked out as beautiful as she was before the ceremony started.

"Congratulations!" Chaewon did a little jog as she got closer. Then she wrapped her arms around her parents, enveloping them both in a group hug.

"Thank you mama, papa! Thank you too Sakura!"

She did a little wave and Sakura took it as a sign gesturing to her to join in. Sakura obliged, feeling warm that she was still included in the family.

"Didn't expect to see you here," Chaewon said once the group let go. She had one hand on Sakura's arm and the other girl shrugged. They may have gotten apart but in the end they're still friends.

"Picture time!" Chaewon's mom called out to the pair and they all took photos of the graduate holding onto two bouquets of flowers, one in each hand. Given the sheer size of the bouquets of carnations and roses, Chaewon being in the middle had appeared small, it was adorable. ‘You’re beautiful, just like the flowers,’ her mother gushes out giddily.

But to Sakura, the comparison between the flowers isn't necessary, its undeniable that the prettiest flower would be Chaewon herself. Hiding her small smile of amazement that she could even think of something that sappy, Sakura gestured for the parents to get into frame, offering herself to be the photographer for the day. They agreed, naturally.

After a couple of shots were taken, before Sakura could even join in on the photo, Chaewon held her palm out in the air, telling them to pause the session.

"Hang on," she announced.

Clueless, they watched as Chaewon waved her hand out to someone in the crowd next to them. A man emerged, wearing the same graduation robe, his blueish hair slightly sticking out under the mortarboard. He has a medium build body and as he gave Chaewon a hug, their height difference stood out most. The girl fits just right in his arms.

As if the man knew what Sakura was thinking, he flashed a wolfish grin her way before letting go of her friend to shake Chaewon's parents' hands.

"Mingyu, take a photo with us," came the invitation. It seemed that everyone knew who the man was but not Sakura. Instead of her getting into the frame and having a picture with her once bestest friend, Sakura was taking photos of the family with the boyfriend. She suddenly realised where she had stood in the relationship between them two. Quietly, Sakura left the scene after taking a few shots, unable to bear the thoughts of her being degraded in rank.

However, what hurt Sakura more was that Chaewon didn’t look for her afterwards, nor did she come over for her graduation the next day. Thinking positively, she had tried to give reasons to why, ‘maybe she had forgotten,’ or ‘maybe she was busy,’ eventhough she knew it was far from the truth.

Sakura never knew exactly why but in the end it doesn't even matter. They had changed.

♪

Chaewon thought it was weird but she didn’t question it, thinking maybe Sakura wanted to pass something to her because her mother told her to. It wasn't something out of character but after some time passed and the relationship between them was no longer working like how it was, the next door neighbor would rarely come over. She hadn't heard anything from Sakura since they graduated so the sudden text of ‘I’m coming over,’ was a little surprising.

Looking around, she noticed that her room was a mess and she was still in her pajamas, but since it was only Sakura that’s coming over, she decided to let things be. The other girl wouldn't care and she just knew that Sakura won't stay long either.

‘Sure,’ she typed a reply.

The knock was heard a few minutes after she had sent the text and Chaewon opened the door to a flushed looking Sakura.

“Hi, Won,” was said, accompanied by a smile.

The other girl had also smelled like alcohol, a musty breath lingers in the air. It was beyond doubt that Sakura had been drinking but Chaewon couldn't be sure if her friend was actually drunk or if she was in the right state of mind. Still, she let the girl into her room, paying attention to every movement Sakura had taken.

“It's been a while,”

Sakura nodded as she took a seat on the edge of the bed, eyes fixed onto Chaewon who had sat at her study desk. It was as if they are in a staring competition, both looking trying to decipher what the other is doing or feeling in that moment. They used to be able to do that, figuring out each other’s mood and at times know what they were thinking. But after their friendship disintegrated, there were only questions hanging in between.

At last, Sakura opened her mouth, making an ‘umm’ and ‘ahh’ noises, still hesitating. After a few seconds of silent contemplation, she took a deep breath and smiled once more.

“I heard you passed an interview for company XY,” she started. “Congrats, that's an amazing feat,”

Chaewon didn't need to wonder where Sakura had heard the news from, it must be her mother since she hadn't said a word of it to anyone else aside from her family. People will know, eventually, once she started working. She has yet to report for duty, still waiting for the letter of employment to be delivered.

“Thank you. It wasn't such a big deal though,”

“No, no, it was. Heard good things about the company too. Being one from the hundreds applicants applying, that's just amazing. You are amazing,”

It was Chaewon’s turn to smile sheepishly, a little shy from the direct compliment.

“Thanks again. A part of me thought that I was just lucky, there's definitely other people who are better than I am but then I'm also glad I was given the chance… Anyway, how about you? Did you get any job offers?”

Sakura shook her head. “Not yet.”

It was hard for Chaewon to respond to that two words answer, what was she supposed to say next? There was hardly anything they could talk about now and so she let the awkward silence fill the room once more. Besides, she knew, her gut feelings were screaming that whatever Sakura was there for, asking about jobs wasn't it.

True to her intuition, after a while, Sakura stood up and walked closer where she was sitting and asked for both of her hands. Confused, and yet she still obliged. The hand holding reminded her of the good old days when they were so close that leaving each other's sides was unthinkable. And yet here they are years after, physically close but hearts distant.

“I have something to tell you,” said Sakura.

“Okay…”

“I know this isn't the best time for this but I’m out of options,” she chuckled to herself, caressing Chaewon’s hands with her thumbs slowly. “I also am not expecting anything from this but I’ve been carrying this secret for years that it numbed me. At the very least, I wanted to let it out so I can finally stop hoping for the impossible,”

Another pause as she took a deep but slow breath.

“You must've forgotten but years ago I said confessing is a very brave thing and that it took a lot of strength... It's actually the one strength I don't own seeing how I’m delaying it to this moment,”

Chaewon let out a loud gasp. Even though Sakura was still beating around the bush, what she was implying was registered in Chaewon’s mind right away. What? She suddenly couldn't think straight. Was she hearing things wrong?

"I like you, Chaewon." Sakura said, looking straight into Chaewon's eyes. Thinking that the other girl would've thought that she was joking, she kept the eye connection, not faltering nor backing down even when she was nervous wracked. Words can lie but her gaze can't.

"I have been liking you for many years," Sakura continued. "I couldn't pin-point when did I start to have this feelings for you. But when I realised it was different, special, it felt like I have been liking you this way since forever. All my life,"

Seeing how Chaewon had not moved nor said anything in return, Sakura gently let go of the other girl's hands.

"Like I said, I'm not expecting anything in return. In fact, I don't want anything from you. I'm just here to get this off my chest, once and for all. Kim Chaewon, I love you."

Still frozen in her seat and unable to think of anything, Chaewon watched as Sakura took a few steps back and headed toward the door. She wasn't sure if it was a hallucination or if it was real but she had heard 'finally' being whispered.

"Sakura!" she called the other girl at the very last minute.

Sakura gave her one last smile and left with a 'bye-bye.'

Little did Chaewon know that she wouldn't see that face again, nor the smile. She was too occupied digesting what was being said that it made her crazy thinking about them all. The signs were there long ago, the fact that Sakura never dates or talks about anyone she's interested in. And there were the words the girl had said whenever she received confessions, how brave the person is, it only occurred to Chaewon now that was because Sakura herself wasn't able to confess. Not when she has been liking her own best friend.

As she ruminates, more puzzle pieces fell and they all fit perfectly, giving explanations to why her friend had behaved in such way. Everything Sakura did, the fact she had stayed with her through and thin, the gentleness and the adoring look in her eyes whenever they met, it wasn't all platonic.

How could she miss out on every single sign? Chaewon asked herself. As she thought about the way they had slowly grown apart in college, it had suddenly made sense because while Chaewon was getting busy with her new boyfriend, Sakura had been keeping distance from her because of her own feelings.

Chaewon let out a frustrated groan. What will happen next and what will she do?

Even though Sakura had said she had expected nothing, how can Chaewon act and pretend like nothing ever happened?

"Stupid Miyawaki."

She eventually falls asleep after rolling in bed thinking.

When Chaewon had woken up the next day, she walked into the kitchen seeing her mother had prepared a hot chocolate drink.

"This is nice," Chaewon said, the drink provided comfort after all of the emotional turmoil she went through the previous night. She came out of the storm with haggard looking eye bags, tired and still clueless on what needed to be done with Sakura.

"I figured you needed this," said Chaewon's mother.

Chaewon froze. What does her mother mean by that? Did she know? About the confession?

However before she could even ask, her mother had continued, rubbing Chaewon on the back in a soothing up and down motion.

"You must be missing her. Don't worry. Japan is not that far, the two of you can still meet up,"

Surprised, Chaewon's grip on the mug loosened and it dropped on the floor, shattering into pieces. The leftover liquid that she had yet to drink stained the mosaic tiles in a dark brown color. The kitchen was a mess but Chaewon's own thoughts were messier, scrambled by the news.

"Wonnie… You didn't know? I thought she had come over yesterday to say goodbye?"

"She…" Chaewon let her words trail off, she didn't know what she was trying to say nor what to think. But as she watched her mother taking a wet cloth to clean the mess, her body instinctively moved as well.

Picking up the pieces of broken mug she had accidentally dropped, it was then that the realisation hit: it was a goodbye. She just couldn't see it at the time.

Ironically the shattered pieces remind her of their broken relationship, once whole now in ruins.

♫

There was a saying that Chaewon had heard once, used on TV, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. She used to ridicule it as it doesn't make sense, won't people grow apart instead in the absence of the said person?

However, once she experienced the hollow in her chest because of Sakura's departure, only then she understood that she wasn't entirely wrong. People do grow apart in absence... But with the right people, the heart grows fonder.

Chaewon didn't feel any significant difference with her days without Sakura at first. She was used to it after they both drifted apart.

But as she went through her first job, experiencing the hardship of working hard and coming home exhausted, Chaewon realised she was unable to balance between work, life, family and relationships. She and Minkyu had been fighting every single day when the man wanted more time than she could offer. What about the time for herself? What about self care?

After one final argument, she had to let the relationship go. Luckily Minkyu doesn't disagree, fully understanding that they're both in an unsalvageable sinking ship.

Months turned to years and yet Sakura never came back home. Instead it was her family moving out completely, returning to their homeland, Japan. Seeing the once full of life home turned quiet sent a blow to Chaewon's heart and even if she had kept herself busy with work, she has always found herself missing that one stable thing that was always there with her. For her. Sakura.

"Stop brooding," Chaewon's mother said one peculiar evening.

Chaewon was slumped on her bed, phone in hand, still living in her childhood bedroom. She eyed her mother suspiciously, the woman had come into her room unannounced, standing under the door frame in a relaxed pose.

"I'm not brooding," the denial comes with rolling eyes.

"Take some time off. You worked hard enough. Maybe go on a short trip, a vacation… Or maybe here,"

With a grin, her mother took out a small piece of paper from her pocket, handing it to her daughter. Chaewon took it and stared at the words written. It was an address. She however didn't need to ask, she knew what it was, who the address belonged to. The older woman closed the door behind her as she left the room, leaving Chaewon alone with her thoughts and her playlist of sad songs.

♪

Sakura was living in the outskirts of Tokyo, somewhere reachable by trains although it took Chaewon a while to read and understand which line she needed to take. It was her first time in Japan and it was also her first time travelling alone. Packing her bag with maps and various other guide books, Chaewon made her way to the center of the country.

Being in no rush, she took her time looking around, going on sightseeing and wondering if Sakura had preferred her own hometown over to the town they had shared together. As she looked at various things, her mind never fail to link it all to the person she was there for, thinking 'Sakura would love this,' or 'this is very Sakura,'

She doesn't admit to it but a part of her was hoping that Sakura herself would appear in front of her eyes, unplanned, as if it was fate. But it was her wishful thinking, the other girl never did.

After having enough sightseeing visiting shrines and even going up the Tokyo Skytree (looking through the glass from the observation deck, Chaewon thought about how there's around 37,393,000 people living in Tokyo and yet she wanted to see only one), she finally departs for her main destination. With every step she had taken since she had made the resolve to meet Sakura, with every action, her heart beats louder. And yet she pulled herself through, riding the train and walking through the crowds.

With her phone guiding her to the exact address, Chaewon finally arrived at a light grey coloured ten story apartment. She took the elevator, reaching the fifth floor where Sakura's unit was said to be. After gathering strength, she gave the doorbell's button a push. It was faint but she definitely heard the sound from the inside of the unit before the door was opened with haste.

"Hi," she greeted the moment their eyes met.

There was surprise in Sakura's expression but it was replaced with a warm welcoming smile.

"It’s been a while,"

"Yeah, it has been a really long while."

Their first meeting after the confession went as awkward as expected, with a lot of silence filling the space. There was also an unexplained tension in the air but thankfully instead of talking in the comfort of Sakura's unit, they had opted on catching up at the coffee shop a few blocks away from the building.

"I know you don't drink coffee but they serve good hot chocolate. Creamy," said Sakura, pointing to the general direction of the coffee shop.

"Sure. I'll wait for you,"

"No, come inside for a bit as I get myself ready. It's cold out,"

Sakura shook her head and pulled Chaewon into her home by the arm to which she relented. As Sakura led the way in, Chaewon took the time to look at the unfamiliar place, taking note of Sakura's living arrangements. The unit was small, fit for one or two people, the standard size of what a Japanese apartment would be. However what Chaewon had not expected was how homey it had felt, even though it was her first time there. Perhaps because it was Sakura's own home, she immediately felt assured with the familiar smell and warmth.

When the owner of the unit left for the washroom to change her clothes, Chaewon had sat on the floor, cross legged, scanning every inch of the living room which also serves as the bedroom. As she stared at the bed, her eyes landed onto the photo frame set on the work table. It was displaying a photo of her and Sakura, both laughing as they looked into the camera, one arm around each other while both had the other hand to be making a peace sign. The sight sent Chaewon's stomach dropping, reminding her of the day she first drove her friend to the beach. It was a memorable day that she could almost hear their laughter vibrate in the air, feel her hair blown around by wind, taste the salty air on her tongues and the course sensations of sands sticking on the bottom of her feet.

"Sorry, that’s…"

Chaewon's thoughts were interrupted by Sakura standing behind her, noticing the object the girl was looking at. She walked over to the table and to Chaewon's disappointment, turned the photo frame to face down.

"Shall we go?" Sakura asked, her face red.

"Lets."

They both left the unit, went down the building and walked over to the coffee shop in complete silence, one was still processing the significance of the photo in the frame while the other was embarrassed she was caught red handed being stuck in something of the past. But they both knew one thing that's sure, the fact that Sakura had the photo displayed on her work table meant she wasn't over Chaewon.

After ordering their drinks, hot chocolate milk for Chaewon and cold mocha for Sakura, they both took seats on the opposite sides, facing each other. They however were not making eye contacts. It was painfully awkward.

"So…" Chaewon started, she had to be the one who made the first move, especially since she had travelled more than a hundred miles for that meet up. "How are you?"

She wanted to slam her face onto the table for asking a very generic question. In order to get a conversation going, the rule was to ask a question that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. However due to her nervousness kicking in, she simply asked the first thing that has popped in her mind. It's true, she was curious to know how Sakura is doing and if life has been treating her friend well.

"I'm doing alright. I assume you are too?"

Chaewon nodded. She was relieved Sakura asked her a question back so at least the conversation had the chance to go somewhere.

"Yeah. Swamped with work but that's normal. Mom told me to get some time off so that's why I'm here… She also gave me your address, given by your mother so… I just… thought why not give Sakura a visit."

It was Sakura's turn to nod. "I see," she mumbled before breaking into a wide smile, one that Chaewon was familiar with. "Surprised that you found the way. How many times have you gotten lost?"

"Hey!"

They both laughed.

"I almost did but I followed the map to a T," Chaewon defended herself.

As if on cue, the drinks they ordered were served. The atmosphere between them was getting better but both took their time to take a sip of the drinks, pleased with the temporary intermission. Chaewon hummed happily as soon as she tasted the hot chocolate, surprised with the rich malty taste. It was different from what she was used to but it had an appropriate amount of sweetness and cream, resulting in a satisfying taste. That 360 yen for a drink is money well spent.

When Chaewon looked up from her drink, she finally noticed that Sakura was staring at her. It was the same look she had received all those years, full of adoration and affections.

After all these times, has she never moved on?

"I'm glad it's to your liking" Sakura said, averting her eyes to the side, probably aware that she was staring. She took a sip from her drink and her face instantly brightened up, smacking her lips in contentment.

"Oh," Chaewon questioned. "Yours good too?"

"Better,"

"I got to give this shop another visit," she paused, suddenly thinking that it had sounded like she's planning to come over and meet with Sakura again. Even when it was true, she figured it would better be said at the very end of their meeting, not in the middle of it. What if Sakura doesn't want to meet with her anymore? What if she's hurting her?

Instead of talking, Sakura simply let the sentence hang in the air, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with it. It was as if she never heard them being said.

Chaewon was starting to get conflicted, the silence paired with a blank expressionless Sakura sent her nerves haywire. She couldn't figure out what the other girl was thinking, or feeling. Does she want me here, or does she not? Chaewon asked herself. More questions arise the longer the silence ensues.

She kept herself busy however by enjoying her drink and looking around the cafe while taking mental pictures of Sakura.

After both had drunk their orders, it was then that Sakura finally opened her mouth, asking about Chaewon's stay in Japan. Where was she staying, how far it was from the trains, was it fun so far, which shrine had she visited and assorted vacation questions. But none of the questions are personal.

"How long are you staying here?" she continued, asking.

"Three more days. I'm leaving on Sunday," Chaewon answered. She wanted to ask 'why' but realising Sakura was just being her friendly self, it would probably be best to keep the question inside.

"I have work tomorrow so… Come over again on Saturday, there's somewhere I want to go with you,"

"Where?" Chaewon asked, leaning her body forward, clearly interested. Sakura answered with a toothy grin.

"Somewhere only we know."

♪

True to what Chaewon had thought the phrase had meant, that Saturday, Sakura had taken her to the beach. Since they went on the weekend, the trains were packed to the point that people had to be standing. Being nervous of losing sight of Sakura, and potentially being lost in the country she's not familiar with, Chaewon had no other choice but to hold the other girl's hand.

"You okay?" Sakura whispered.

Chaewon could only nod even if she was feeling pretty anxious. And as if she knew, Sakura gave the other girl's hand a light squeeze.

Reaching the sixth stop of the train, Sakura suddenly pulled Chaewon nearer to her and had a tighter grip on her hand. Chaewon's confusion didn't last long as more people boarded the train, resulting in a very packed coach. She was almost pushed around by the other passengers if it wasn't for Sakura grabbing her yet closer that Chaewon was standing ridiculously close, almost feeling Sakura's breath on her neck. It was ticklish and she tried her best to look the other way, but she felt an odd tension linking her to the other girl, feeling weird and yet comfortable.

However as the train reached more stops and the crowd thinned out, Chaewon finally was able to pull herself away but she still hadn't let go of their clasped hands. Once the seats emptied, only then they both were able to sit down.

Their destination was the beach located around two hours train ride from Tokyo, reachable by taking another ten minute bus ride after alighting the train stop. Chaewon was starting to feel bored from doing nothing along the way but as soon as she saw the white sandy beach and the clear blue water, her heart was instantly healed.

"I'm envious," she said, eyes fixed on the view.

"Of what?"

"You, seeing this view, being so close to something so breath-taking… God, I am very much jealous. This beach is beautiful,"

Sakura let out a small chuckle. "It’s my first time here too,"

Chaewon turned around, confused.

"I said I want to come here with you, not that I meant I have come here before…." she flashed a smile. “It's my first time too… And I agree, it’s beautiful,"

Sakura pointed toward an empty spot on the beach, far from the sunbathing crowds. They sat down, finally feeling the heat from the sun’s blazing ray. Unfortunately neither of the two had packed an umbrella so they decided to go walk around the area, under the shelters.

After getting lunch which they had varieties of seafood and the area's specialty food, the two of them then went browsing the nearby stores for souvenirs. Chaewon's brought some keychains and fridge magnets for her parents and co-workers.

Sakura and Chaewon finally returned to the beach when it was close to the evening to watch the sun setting.

They sat on the sandy beach without covers, a little distant from the other tourists and locals who were also enjoying the view. There was no words said, all used up when they went for a walk earlier, catching up on what the other was doing all those years apart from each other. Chaewon was sure then she had known almost everything she needed to know about her once best friend, including the fact that Sakura has still never dated anyone.

“No one could ever,” was said and Chaewon doesn't want to dig deeper then, they were in the midst of enjoying ice cream and it was not the time for a heavy talk. Aside from relationships, they had also talked about work, family and recent hobbies.

However now that they finally sat down comfortably watching the sun slowly disappear behind the orange-purple tint sky, Sakura thought it was time to address the elephant in the room. It had taken her a while, momentarily distracted by the last orange rays hitting Chaewon’s face, making her glow dazzlingly beautiful. Caught off guard by the view, one that used to be her favourite, Sakura cleared her throat.

“Chaewon,”

The girl hummed an acknowledgement to show that she’s listening.

"Why did you come? Why are you looking for me?"

Chaewon let out a slow sigh, she had expected to be asked that question. No, that's not it. She knew eventually she had to tell Sakura the reason why. No one would travel more than a hundred miles without any reason. There's always a reason. It's only a matter of admitting to it or not.

"I don't know," she said carefully, hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "I just wanted to see you… I thought about you but I can't make the head or tails of my own self. Like, what do I want from her? Am I capable of giving the same amount of love back? Those kinds of questions, one that makes me numb and all confused. I can't figure myself out,”

She paused, taking a small moment to collect herself.

“I love you but even I am not sure which kind of love it is… Platonic? Is it out of comfort? The love just because you're the one constant thing in my life? So… It wouldn't be fair if I accepted yours and wasn't able to give back as much as you gave me. And yet after all that, I still want to see your pretty face. I miss you. Does this make sense? Am I rambling now?"

Sakura shook her head.

"You’re making sense, don't worry,"

Again on her face was the look of adoration and admiration, full of love, all directed toward one person, from then till now. Even when Chaewon had said it wasn't fair that she wasn't able to give it back. Even when she wanted to.

"It's fine." Sakura said once more, averting her gaze to look at the sun that was now almost gone in the horizon, bringing promise of a brilliant night.

"I wanted to kiss you then," Sakura whispered as she stared at the darkened sky.

Chaewon didn't know when was 'then' that Sakura was implying. Back in high school? Before her first kiss and convinced she had met her so-called 'the one'? Was it when they had drank for the first time, was Sakura feeling the urge to kiss her when they were drunk? The beach? Before going to college? It could also be all of them. Sakura probably wanted to kiss her on every occasion but held it in because they were friends and Chaewon was the always oblivious one.

"You should've. Maybe then I would look at only you," she answered after a while, memories of the passing days replayed in her mind, filling with regret on how she had not noticed the signs sooner.

Sakura was also regretting her past. Not being honest was the mistake she can't undo.

“Chaewon,” Sakura called out toward the other girl out of the blue after another moment of silence. “Can I kiss you?” she asked.

What was supposed to be an awkward request however was answered with a nod. She was given the green light. Nervously, Sakura leaned closer, holding Chaewon’s face in her hands, slightly tilting her own head. The contact between lips were slow and it was soft as well, unlike every other kiss Chaewon had experienced before. She could taste a slight grapefruit taste which was probably the flavor of Sakura’s lip balm. Unlike her high expectations with the first kiss, Chaewon hadn't set any, being used to kissing but the electric feelings surging her body when their lips met was a pleasant surprise. There was gentleness in Sakura's motions, urging for more, invading her every senses. Chaewon had wished for the time to stop because she felt it was never enough, disappointed when their lips parted. Sakura however had a dazzled look on her face.

“That was my…” she said, flustered and refused to continue the sentence. But looking at the pink streaks on the other girl's cheek, Chaewon knew.

“So how was it, your first kiss? Were there fireworks?” she asked, teasing.

Sakura chuckled, embarrassment settling in. She held her palms up in the air, blocking the other girl from staring right at her face.

"No fireworks… It wasn't like the movies where they said they felt all festivals-like. But…"

A shy giggle. "It was amazing. And was that feeling what people call as butterflies in the stomach?" Sakura suddenly lowered her voice to a whisper, "definitely heard loud beating drums… That is not mine,"

It was Chaewon's turn to blush, realising Sakura had heard the pounding sound of her heart. She could be pretending to hear it but it was still true, the kiss had her thinking how can her rib cage hold that much beating in?

When she heard Sakura's laughter, she joined in, both embarrassed. Then wordlessly they continue enjoying the view, the breeze and the evening as a whole, basking in each other's presence.

After a while they set off back, Chaewon back to her hotel while Sakura back home. However before the train reached Chaewon's stop, she held Sakura's hand warmly.

"Thank you for today,"

"You’re welcome. Uhm… Send my regards to your parents,"

It was awkward once more. But they both know it was something that would be okay with time and constant communication.

"Hey, Sakura…"

Sakura hummed, changing her focus from the train's announcement screen toward the person sitting next to her.

"Can I come over again?" Chaewon asked.

Sakura nodded, a smile on her lips. "Sure, anytime. I'll be waiting for you."

♫

"Baby! Are you ready?"

"Hang on, hang on—"

Sakura however was late, resulting in her photo blurry, still moving trying to fix her hair. Chaewon rolled her eyes playfully, giving the other girl a light slap on the shoulder.

"You're prettier with your hair down," she whined, pouting her lips and Sakura had to hold herself back from kissing them in that moment.

"But, we both have short hair, we're going to look like twins instead of girlfriends," she reasoned.

"No one can confuse us, you're much prettier and look, you're in your natural habitat, surrounded by sakura trees,"

"Hey!"

There was laughter. Then lots of them, cheerful giggles when tickling was introduced into the fight.

It has been months since their awkward meetup when Chaewon flew to Japan just to see her then ex-best friend. They talked regularly afterwards, with Sakura coming back to her 'home' the month after. What once was an awkward, broken friendship had slowly turned to how it was used to, full of life and happiness. They were also fully comfortable in each other's presence to the point of meeting up almost every month before Chaewon popped the question of 'will you be my girlfriend?’, making it official between them. Sakura agreed of course, still harboring the same feelings she had for years and years.

Chaewon however wasn't convinced it was love, not yet anyway. But she certainly felt herself slowly falling for the pretty cherry blossom, slowly letting the feelings grow, nurturing it with care and hoping she will soon be able to give back as much (or maybe more) love just like what Sakura has been giving her.

With the blooming sakura flowers in view, Chaewon rested her head onto the other girl's lap. In that moment, not only their fingers were intertwined, so did their hearts.

Chaewon had experienced hundreds or maybe thousands of firsts to know that while the first step is important, they're also the first for reasons, serving as a trial and error step, as a preparation for the real thing. Sometimes people would've gotten the chance for seconds and thirds try but none would be as significant as the last one. In love, that was what Sakura is to Chaewon. She may not be the first but after everything they went through, Chaewon was sure she is the one and only.

Chaewon knows whatever comes next, as long as Sakura is with her, things will be fine and that they'll go through many more firsts, seconds and assorted various experiences together.

** The end **

Notes:

Thanks to: That one friend who doesn't read my fics because her bias isn't in them but has been supplying me ideas and telling me to continue on when I gave up because I am constantly tired every single day(pls save me). we share the love for slice of life genre.
While writing this I was in between reading Ikoku Nikki manga (and if you are a slice of life enthusiast too, pls read 3-gatsu no lion - i will never, NEVER shut up about this).
P/s: will watch EOM ;)
P/p/s: ** that song in the car is AKB48's heavy rotation lol
i feel like my writing style is very questionable, as expected, short is better, easier for qc

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