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You're welcome.
It was a weird thing to say, she decided, for leaving someone behind.
Standing just before the edge of the cliff, the slight breeze did little to clear away the smell of the singed hem of her dress. It did however feel nice to have the breeze caress her skin and weave through her hair. She stayed there, tilting her head towards the sky and closing her eyes against the bright light. It's been many years since she felt the warmth of the sun on her skin, even longer since she really felt it on her face.
She should have apologized, probably.
It was not something she knew how to do. She didn't know her way around people, never really did. Sure, she knew how to read them pretty well, but when it came to actual interactions, well, healthy interactions, she was clueless.
Having always been shushed and looked over, she never really learnt how to express herself. Instead she learned to watch for when to stay silent, when to stay hidden, when to simply do as she was told, regardless of her own wishes and feelings. It had changed when she went to Mystacor.
Everyone was open and friendly, encouraging in both personal and academic endeavours even to the outsider that she was. She had wanted to connect, to fit in. Had dared to hope for a friend. She soon gave up on any personal conversations, though. When she did dare say something, it never came out the way she intended it to, never conveyed the meaning she was trying to get at. It just sounded wrong, even to her own ears. Maybe especially to her own ears. So after a while she stopped trying altogether.
Thank you could have been another thing to say. Definitely still better than you're welcome.
This time the curse did not come lapping her up. Even it left her alone now. It wasn't entirely new to her. She had been alone all of her life. Even when she had people surrounding her, there was never anyone willing to listen to her, never anyone who understood her. Never even anyone who tried. She found that the loneliness stung the most, the more she was around other people. At least back then she had the familiar buzz of her magic under her skin. Now she could hardly feel it at all.
Not only had she lost everyone else, she also lost a part of herself.
The thought crossed her mind that she could have stayed. It was quickly dismissed. No one had ever wanted her around for the person she was. Admittedly, she hadn't always been a good person. But also no one ever tried to teach her any other way. Now she didn't have anything to offer anymore. She was no longer of use to them. And if no one wanted her around, there was no reason to stay.
I love you was something she should have told them a long time ago. Saying it now would have been selfish of her. Would have only complicated matters for all parties involved. For once she wanted to actually make it easier for them. So far she had only ever failed trying.
There had been many moments where she had felt the love for them swelling inside her, many moments where she wanted to be encouraging or even comforting, but when she spoke it came out angry. Mean. There is a fine line between protecting someone and caging them in. Between reprimanding and being cruel. She never did quite find the perfect equilibrium for either of those.
Maybe she should have said nothing at all. Just push them away like she had gotten so good at. If she didn't try to express her feelings then she couldn't mess it up either.
She recognized the exact moment the failsafe activated and decided the feeling in her chest must be pride. She could imagine them celebrating. Celebrating the end of the war. The safety of the people. The beauty of the planet. Their victory. In her mind she could see their smiles, hear their laughter. There would be music and dancing. Fun.
Fun was another thing she never quite understood. As a child whenever she did anything fun, she got yelled at. So she concluded that fun must be a bad thing, even if it felt good. Then in Mystacor everywhere she turned there was someone smiling. Laughing. Happy. They always looked at her weirdly when she didn't join in on their jokes. A bit like she was a strange, unknown entity they would never understand. Like she didn't belong.
How was she supposed to know how to make someone happy, when she wasn't sure what happy was supposed to feel like?
She could have gone for a simple farewell.
For once she could have said goodbye before disappearing. She couldn't decipher what difference it would have made for them but it might've been good for her. Might have helped her close this chapter of her life.
They probably thought her dead. But that way at least they wouldn't come looking for her. And she was almost certain that they otherwise would, if only to make sure she didn't cause any more harm. Now they could go on to live their lives free from fighting. And free from her.
They would be okay without her. Especially without her.
A great many things had gone unsaid over the years. Now they would never be given sound. She would have to be okay with that.
The wind picked up a tad, pulling at her robes. A slight shiver followed it across her skin, despite the warming sun still shining brightly down on her.
She wanted to go home.
There had been enough times where she wondered what made a place a home. Most of the time she concluded it must be something between having a purpose and belonging. She couldn't really think of anywhere that had ever truly felt like home to her. And the places that had come close, wouldn't want her back.
As she stood there overlooking the flower fields beyond the cliff, the most prominent thought in the forefront of her mind was now what?