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Alfonse never thought asking what should be a simple question would be this hard.
The Summoner had confided in him, when they started their courtship, that he hadn’t always known he was a boy. Alfonse hadn’t said anything then, refusing to make things about himself, but he remembered there was a word Kiran had used to describe himself.
A word that didn’t exist in Zenith, despite Alfonse’s years-long search for one, which made it a word that he desperately needed to learn for himself.
Still, he wasn’t quite sure how to bring it up. It would have felt awkward, mentioning it out of the blue, but he didn’t have any other plans.
So… “Summoner!” Alfonse called out, walking quickly to Kiran’s side once he stopped.
“Thought I said you could just refer to me by name?” He had. Alfonse still felt awkward about it in public. “But what’s up?”
“May I accompany you to your chambers?” Alfonse asked. He didn’t exactly want to have this conversation in such a public area of the castle.
To Kiran’s credit, he didn’t question it much, just nodded and made small talk with Alfonse on the way back.
At least, Alfonse assumed it was small talk. He was nervous, understandably so, so he wasn’t nearly as focused on the conversation as he might be otherwise.
Shameful, he knew, yet that didn’t stop him.
They hadn’t been very far from Kiran’s room, at least, and Alfonse paused when Kiran held the door open for him.
“You wanted to talk about something, right? It’s… kind of obvious.”
Ah. A reminder to never underestimate how observant Kiran could be. Alfonse nodded and quickly stepped inside, hoping he didn’t look the way he felt at that moment. He wasn’t very successful, though, nearly jumping at the sound of Kiran closing the door.
They were both quiet for a long, awkward minute. Kiran probably wanted Alfonse to speak up first, as the one with something to say, but the words were still stuck in Alfonse’s throat and he couldn’t get them out.
And then Kiran smiled, disarmingly. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it can’t be that bad. Right? And you know you can trust me, since we’re… you know. Dating and all.” It was obviously intended to lighten the mood, if only a little. What was surprising about it to Alfonse was that it had worked, and that he found himself smiling for a brief moment.
Alfonse cleared his throat. “Right, yes. Er… Back when we started… dating. You said to me that as a child, you hadn’t realized you were a boy.”
“Yes?” Kiran raised an eyebrow. Anyone else would take that as Kiran wanting them to get to their point. However, Alfonse knew him too well. The way the rest of his body tensed up… He was preparing for the worst.
“There was a word that you used to describe yourself. We… don’t have similar terminology here in Zenith, at least not to my knowledge.” He’d know better than most. “Can you tell me again what it is?”
Alfonse could have thanked the gods as he watched Kiran exhale, the tension leaving his body almost immediately. “Yeah, I’m trans. Transgender. Is… that all you wanted to know?”
“It is… though, I’m glad to know that there is a word for this.”
Realization seemed to dawn on Kiran. “Yeah, it makes you feel less alone, doesn’t it?” He sat down on his bed, patting the space next to him. Alfonse hadn’t intended to stay long, but he found himself crossing the room anyway, sitting down next to his partner.
“It does.” He reached out, placing his hand on top of Kiran’s. “I’d… been searching for a long time for a word to describe how I felt. Like you, when I was born, I hadn’t been considered a boy by anyone, including myself. It was only years later that I realized it, while watching people I was… close to, let’s say,” and here Alfonse hoped he hadn’t given anything away by saying that, “discover it about themselves, as well. … I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“No, no, that’s fine! I get it. Even if I’m the same way, it’s still always kind of hard to say, isn’t it?” With a quick flip of his wrist, Kiran moved to give Alfonse’s hand a squeeze, which Alfonse gladly returned. “When I was little, I had these thoughts, that my life would be objectively… better, if I was a boy. But I had no context for those feelings, no name to put to them. I think I just kind of assumed all little girls felt like that.” He laughed, sheepish. A quick glance confirmed Kiran was blushing, either because he was nervous or embarrassed.
He had no reason to be either of those things.
“I was wrong, of course. But I filed the thoughts away for a while. Think I was thirteen the next time I thought about it? That’s probably when I first learned what transgender meant. It felt like the stars all aligned at that moment. That all the pieces of my life, every moment where I felt like something was wrong, just fell into place.” Kiran leaned in, resting his head on Alfonse’s shoulder. Briefly, Alfonse thought he might have liked to take off his armor earlier, since Kiran couldn’t be comfortable like that. “I’m… glad you know now. That there’s a word. That there’s enough people, at least where I come from, for there to be a word to describe this.”
Alfonse didn’t say anything, but in his thoughts, he echoed the sentiment. This time, he’d commit the word to memory.