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Mia and Pilar have been hanging out a lot, a lot more than they should. This is his Victor, her brother’s ex-girlfriend, how is she so able to hang out with her, talk to her, wave to her in the hallways and have her wave back, sit alongside her in the gentle grass that’s being blown by the faint wind every lunch? She has no clue, but some part of her isn’t too upset about it, nor is she upset about becoming somebody she never expected to be. Someone who found herself.
Now yes, Pilar has found herself in other things, places, and people before. From Texas, to Eric, to heavy and loud music. Loud music meaning, countess guitar solos, deep and passionate screaming, and music so drowning Pilar imagines herself drowning in both the song, and her feelings. As for Eric and Texas, she drowned herself in his love for her, and her love for her friends. Pilar isn’t one to admit that she wants to be understood, but she does. Oh boy, does she want to be understood and found. Through her friends, she could joke about things, attend concerts, sneak away from her parents to parties, basically your classic rebel teen stuff. And with Eric, they were the rebellious high school sweethearts. Your high school version of Bonnie and Clyde, you know, without the murder.
Back in Texas, she met a couple girls who she thought Mia was like. Egotistical, vain, ignorant, and so much more. But when she met Mia, when she really met her, she was nothing of the sort.
Ever since their first time alone, when they sat on the grass during lunch, just listening to that stupidly good song by Dodie, she had a weird connection to Mia. Something inside of her was urging her to keep being with her, she didn’t know what it was, but it didn’t feel too bad.
Waving at her in the hallways, was Mia. As Pilar waves back shyly, Mia begins to astray from her path to her third period Biology class to go chat up Pilar.
Seeing her walk towards her, sparks something her. Something deep and selfish. She wants something, she doesn’t know what it is specifically, but Pilar suspects it has something to do with Mia. Because it only occurs when she’s around, her stomach gets all twisted, her heart beats a mile a minute, her eyes dilate, all of it. She hates it, but at the same time...she doesn’t want this lovely pain to end.
“Hey, Pilar.” Mia cheerfully says.
Pilar responds with a timid, “Hey.”.
“So um, Lake canceled our plans to watch a movie to go shopping with her mom again. Uhh, are — are you doing anything tonight?”
“Why?”
“Well, um. Just because, we’ve never really hung out — like properly — before. And I wanted to see if you would like to.”
Pilar begins to panic. ‘hang out ’ Like together , together? They’ve done that...Haven’t they? Trying to get a word in but being physically incapable of doing so, Pilar just stands there glaring at Mia in pure shock.
“Err. You know what? Never mind. I’ll probably just get an early start on some homework or whatever, so —“
“I’ll go.”
“You — You will?”
“Yeah. My house. We wrap up dinner at spring 8:00, so see you then?”
“Oh, yeah. Definitely!”
RING .
The school bell ultimately snaps Mia back into reality. But luckily, it didn’t wake her up from a dream and she’s actually still here. She’s finally going to be hanging out with her. Why is she so flustered by her? By a simple sleepover? It’s the one thing Mia can’t seem to figure out, but that won’t stop her.
###
Readying herself at the mirror was Mia. Questioning every little detail about her look. For a sleepover .
“God, could I be any more stupid?” She whispers to herself. She’s heading to spend the night with a friend of hers...Now why did that word sting the way it did?
Friend .
Whatever. She looks fine. Mia grabs her purse and walks out the door ready for what she hopes is a great first all-nighter with Pilar.
###
In the midst of washing her hands, Pilar hears a knock at the door. It’s her. Mia.
“I got it.”
Pilar does a quick jog towards the door, seeing at how the kitchen has a tad bit of distance between them and the front door.
The first thing Pilar spots at the front door, is Mia, on time. Literally 8:00. She expected her to be there at like, 8:05 or something like 8:15.
Jeez. She must really like sleepovers .
“Hey, Pilar!”
“Hey.”
Pilar backs up near the door to give Mia a clear entrance into their living room.
As Pilar is about to steer Mia straight towards her bedroom so their sleepover can begin, her parents just have to barge in.
“Oh, Mia! Haven’t seen you here in a while!”
“Yeah, um. I’m here for a sleepover with Pilar so...”
“Oh! Well I’m glad Pilar has finally begun on making some friends.”
Pilar groans in protest to her mom’s constant badgering and nagging comments.
Could she be anymore annoying ?
###
Finally, the sleepover can begin.
After two girls plop down on Pilar’s multicolored bedsheets, Pilar begins rummaging through Mia’s duffle-bag in hopes that she brought something fun to do. Pilar, who hasn’t thrown sleepovers in so long that she’s lost her funk, was praying that Mia has at least one more plan than she does. One more plan meaning, any plan.
“So, what do you got?”
“What?”
“What are we going to do? I haven’t thrown sleepovers in forever, so I kind of lost my funk and all.”
“Oh, okay. Well, we could do makeup. Of paint our nails. Have a pillow fight, listen to music —“
“Ooh! I found a great new song by Banks, it’s really good!”
Pilar excitedly rips out her earbuds from her front backpack pocket, and hands one earbud to Mia, so she can have a listen.
“... We can be over, over
And you can write if you know her, know her
Or we can ride and be over
Get it, say it, I'm your type
I know you been all this time
So get it right
To get around me .”
Pilar likes this song it’s hyper. It’s loud. It’s freeing . It’s something that she can play loudly, dance around to, feel like she’s floating and is on top of the world with. It’s a song that makes her feel like she can do anything.... anything .
Seeing Mia so focused on listening to the song, hearing and ultimately understanding the lyrics, and so forth makes Pilar really see a side in her that she doesn’t seem to show so much. Mia is a really careful and passionate girl, she has so much to explore and so much more to express. And with Pilar being someone who has struggled with expressing herself and being understood, she knows exactly how Mia feels.
“This is really good. Who is this again?”
“Banks. She’s more of an alternative kind of artist.”
“Well, that makes sense. You always listen to that stuff. It’s really good though.”
The two share a quick smile before Mia cuts it off and swipes through her phone to look for a song she recently began listening to. Mia felt as though her turn on getting Pilar into some new songs was long overdue.
The song she chose was, “Unspoken Words” by Mxmtoon.
“...We wanted to play nice
I can safely say we're friends
And that I love you too
But years ago that wouldn't happen
Because I didn't get you
Oh, it's complicated
And I need to say it
'Cause time is fading away
I should've said it sooner
Who knows what's in the future
But now I need you to know
That I love you
You know it's true
You don't need to say it back to me
Because I know you do
And I get it now
You weren't allowed
The same life
That you've so gracefully endowed .”
This song came on her Spotify shuffle once, and she was so lost within the song that she completely forgot to go back and find out who sung it, what it was titled, nothing.
The song was so flow-y. Whenever Mia hummed it or sang it inside her head, she would always imagined herself floating through all the clouds in the bright blue sky. So free and lawless.
Remembering that one song she and Pilar first listened to — “She”, by Dodie — she wondered if Pilar had ever listened to more music or not. She pondered if she and Pilar could bond over something like this again.
“Who is this?”
“Um, I think her name is maximum — um, mxmtoon? I never knew how to pronounce it. I just thought that she had really good music,”
God, I am so stupid. Of course she doesn’t like this kind of music. What was I thinking? Mia thought.
“and so I had assumed after that one song we used to listen to, that you’d like more songs like this. Or I don’t know what I was thinking. We can do something else or —“
“I like it. She got anything else?”
Mia stares in shock at Pilar’s response. Oh my god, she likes it. It worked. She finally made the first step.
“Yeah. She has very nice songs, and one other one I like was, “used to you”? It stuck with me a lot, and I don’t particularly know why.”
“...If I could read your mind
I'd save a lot of time 'cause
I've been spending all my time
Sitting by the phone just waiting for a call
I used to wanna be alone
'Til your name was in my phone
Now I'm getting kinda used to you. ”
These lyrics stuck out to Mia, because she too was so used to being alone. Having her only company be either Lake, or her art in her giant bedroom that’s in her even more giant house. Of course, she doesn’t always like to be alone, but she has no choice but to accept it, as does she have no choice but to find the light in it, like she always does.
Mia’s had crushes, relationships, of course she has. The way she felt towards all her precious crushes were so similar, a few fluttering butterflies her stomach, a blush or two, couple of awkward laughs, and tons more. But now? Mia tends to feel more of an aching pain in her heart. An ache of longing, every time she’s around Pilar, she imagine she’s in front of a glass wall. It seems so simple to break free from, but every time she bangs on it, nothing happens. She wants to break free, she wants to go further and see what’s on the other side, or more so see who’s on the other side.
###
As the night went on, more and more songs played, more and more unspoken quick glances were shared, and manyef hidden blushes appeared. The two seemed overall inseparable.
They transferred the music from their earbuds to Pilar’s radio and began jamming all night long. They had pillow fights, and did each other’s makeup. Pilar have Mia more of an edgy look with dark winged eyeliner, dark maroon eyeshadow, and blackish-red lipstick. The eyeliner made Mia’s eyes pop to where, when looking at them, Pilar felt as though she could get lost in them. With the moonlight ray glistening off of her, her eyes sparkled bright. It looked as though she was almost ... glowing.
When it came to Mia’s turn to give Pilar a makeover, she decided to give her a more simple look. Something that makes her real self glow. White eyeliner to make her eyes wider, and pink blush so light and faint it almost looked invisible.
When applying the glossy nude lipstick, Mia’s finger grazed Pilar’s bottom lip in order to wipe off any excess lipstick and ultimately blend it in. There was an unexpected moment of silence between the two, they’re both seeing each other in a new light. A light that puts almost everything in perspective. Pilar likes Mia. And Mia likes Pilar. The one thing that isn’t in perspective, is that their feelings are both unbeknownst to one another...
They could do the simple thing and share their feelings, and be happy together, just live your classic high school sweetheart fairytale...But they can’t. Mia can’t because what would everyone think of her if she was dating a girl? How would she explain that to everyone? And Pilar can’t do it either, because not only would she be the second gay kid in her family, but this is also her brother’s EX GIRLFRIEND. She’d feel so guilty about it all, she feels guilty enough on just liking her.
Oh how they wish things were simpler for both of them and for one another. But for now, they just have to appreciate these silent moments and unspoken words.