Chapter Text
"The phone goes there," I whisper, pointing. Two pairs of eternal eyes stare at me. "That's my mother's house."
Alice was already off the couch, phone in hand, dialing. I stared at the precise rendering of my mother's family room. Uncharacteristically, Jasper slid closer to me. He lightly touched his hand to my shoulder, and the physical contact seemed to make his calming influence stronger. The panic stayed dull, unfocused. It gave me room to think, the wheels in my head turning with plans and ideas, only if Alice agrees.
Her lips were trembling with the speed of her words, the low buzzing impossible to decipher. My thoughts scatter with the sound, not that they were very organized in the first place. The Panic is too all encompassing for that.
"Bella, Edward is coming to get you. He, Emmett, and Carlisle are going to take you somewhere, to hide you for a while. Jasper and I are going to stay until it's clear your mother is safe." Her voice is sympathetic, but still hard with the desire to protect me. This is my only chance to ask, and I know Jasper can feel my nerves building.
"Alice, can I ask you something? Alone?" Another calming wave of energy crashes over me, and I fight to keep my head clear. They share a look. "Please?" Alice gives in, walking to the bedroom of the hotel with me.
"Will you change me?" I steel my voice, being as direct as possible to convey my sincerity. Her eyes go blank for only a moment before she looks at me. I wish I knew what she saw.
"Bella. You're going to become a vampire whether I do this or not. Are you sure you're ready? What about Charlie? Your mother? Are you willing to leave it all behind to live forever?" She didn't even need an answer from me as a vision hit her, showing the truth of my feelings better than I would be able to explain them.
"Bella, I- '' She's interrupted by the phone ringing, my mother's number flashing on the screen. I give her an apologetic look before answering. I half-expect her to leave when she hears the panicked voice on the other end, but she doesn't.
"Mom, please calm down. I'm okay. Just give me a minute to explain." It’s quiet on the other end, and I pause. "Mom?"
"Be very careful not to say anything until I tell you to." The voice on the other end is smooth, and easily recognizable as James'. Alice meets my eye, but I hold my finger up. If he had Renee… Maybe she wouldn't have a choice but to turn me.
"Now, I don't need to hurt your mother, so please do exactly as I say, and she'll be fine." He pauses for a moment, letting it sink in. Alice has already silently left the room, still listening, but informing jasper. "Very good. Now, repeat after me: No mom, please stay where you are."
"Mom, no. Please stay there." I was somehow able to fill my voice with the same amount of exasperation talking to Renee usually fills me with. Alice silently sits next to me, bringing Jasper with her to make this easier.
"Very Natural. You're doing great. Are you alone? Yes or no."
"Yes." It comes out more convincing than I expect, probably due to Jasper's influence.
"Perfect, but I expect they can hear you. Say: Mom, please listen to me."
“ Mom, please listen to me."
"This worked out better than I expected. I was prepared to wait, but Renee arrived ahead of schedule." Hearing my mother's name from his mouth fills me with a rage that Jasper cringes away from slightly. "It's easier this way, isn't it? Less suspense, less anxiety for you. Now I want you to listen very carefully. I need you to get away from your friends, can you do that? Yes or no."
I glance at Alice and she nods, silently urging me to say whatever I need to get more information. "Yes."
"I'm sure it won't be easy, but if I get the slightest hint you have company, that would be very bad for your mother. I'm sure you don't need details. You know enough about vampires to realize how quickly I'd find out if you tried. And how little time I would need to deal with your mother is that was the case. Do you understand? Yes or no."
"Yes." My voice threatens to tremble, but Alice and Jasper’s presence keeps me steady.
"Very good. Here's what I want you to do. Go to your mother's house. Next to the phone there will be a number. Call it, and I'll tell you where to go from there. Before noon please. I haven't got all day." His tone is polite. "It's important your friends aren't suspicious. Say Thank you mom. Now."
"Thank you, Mom." I try to inject relief into my tone. It might have worked. I can’t tell past the hollowness in my chest.
"Say, I love you Mom, I'll see you soon. Then I want you to hang up and go tell your friends that your mom is okay, and staying in Florida as convincingly as possible."
"I love you, Mom. I'll see you soon." Hopelessness was creeping into my tone, but no sooner had I said the words did Alice hang up, and call Carlisle. Her words blur together, too fast for me to decipher. They cut off as she listens and her eyes glaze over yet again, but only briefly. She lets out a relieved sigh, and hangs up the phone.
"New plan. Also, something just changed for your mother. I don't think she's actually there. Are there any home videos or recordings in her house he could've used to trick you? I can't tell clearly, but it's a chance we have to take." Her words are still almost too fast, in the rush of everything.
"I- uh, yeah. She never gets rid of anything. What's going on?" Jasper is packing things up as I speak, moving too quickly for me to follow.
"We think James is trying to set you up, and if your mother isn't home, then we could take you to a safe location directly. Edward will be here tomorrow morning on the flight. He could sneak close enough to read James' thoughts and determine if your mother is actually in any danger. We can't risk your safety. I know you'd die on that ballet studio floor if given the chance to save her, but we can't let you. I can't let you. If she is, which I doubt, then you'll have to let us handle it." Her face is serious, and I nod, thinking through the plan.
"If I'm going to a safe, non-Phoenix location, what will Charlie know? Will he? How long can we hide this from either of them, and how long will I have to?"
"There's a good chance that when you don't call James, he'll know something is up and take off. I don't know how long it would take for Edward and Emmett to catch him, and take care of him. But you would be stuck with me and Jasper until that point. Sunshine would slow their finding him down further, at least tomorrow. They're still coming here, but we can't stay." Alice is pacing in front of me, deep in thought, like she’s calculating.
Everything has changed in the blink of an eye. I know that what I've asked for will be put off, but maybe this will be more incentive to change me. Even if I won't be able to defend myself for a while, I'll be much less breakable. Much more capable. “Where are we going?” It’s the only thing on my mind.
“ New York. It's much further than he probably expects us to go, and we already have a house. We might end up stopping in a Midwestern state, but I'm not sure yet.” Alice is ushering me out the door, under the cover of night. “Maybe it'd be best if you don't step foot out here.” She scoops me up with no warning, and within seconds Jasper is pulling out of the hotel driveway.
“ Alright, so run through the plan with me once more. We go fuck off to the Midwest or New York somewhere, and they just … hunt James? Do you have any idea what I tell Charlie, or worse, Renee when they ask? Oh, sorry dad, just taking a quick pop to fucking New York to go be an angsty teen. A dude is kind of trying to kill me, but please don't worry about me. I'll be home at some point.” Or maybe I won't, but I can't say that.
“ You're the one who wanted to be turned ten minutes ago. You can't go back to Charlie after that. Not unless you can pretend to be a corpse long enough to fool both of them.” Alice's words sting, but I know she means well. If I don't think about this now, I never will.
“ You're right.” It's hard to admit, but Jasper softens the blow slightly. Any wave of calm might disintegrate if I could see the speedometer though. It feels fast, even to me.
“ I think Charlie could handle the truth. If anyone can, it's that man. I'm not saying we should tell him, and definitely not right away. But if, a couple months after I disappear, or longer, my body is found, I think he'd rather hear anything than that I'm dead. Even though I technically would be.” The words are getting muddled up in my brain, tiredness overtaking everything and blurring the lines.
“ Cut it out. I'm considering this rationally, and Edward would never give me the chance to do so. If not now, then when?” The sleepiness mostly fades.
“ Sorry.” Jasper's voice is soft, but full of southern charm. It's easy to imagine him as a cowboy in the Midwest, maybe Texas, and it brings up a slightly hysterical giggle. Alice gives me a quizzical look, but doesn't press it.
“ Are you ready to give them up for good?” Alice is gentle, and I lean on her.
“ Renee? Without a doubt. She has Phil to take care of her, and I can't be her parent forever. I don't want to be. That's why I left. It's not easy, to be the adult at 13. Maybe younger. I'm not really sure. A lot of my life with Renee has blended into a weird slurry.” It's why it's so easy to make this decision. I've been taking care of myself, been an adult, for far longer than a lot of my peers.
“ But Charlie?” Alice asks. I sigh, and rub my thighs anxiously.
“ It would break him. I couldn't leave him alone, with no knowledge of my existence. Even if the rest of the world thought I was dead, I'd have to throw him a rope. Even if it's just in phone calls. He's taken care of me, treated me better than anyone ever has.” The words tear at my heart, imagining his distress at hearing the news.
“ Do you want to do this for you, or to be with Edward? I know your first love is exciting and feels like the best thing in the world, but things will change, when you become a vampire, when you know each other after decades, in the most intimate ways. Privacy in the house is limited, despite our best efforts. You will become different in a century, and he hasn't changed in the last 100 years. You'll both have little quirks that get on each others nerves, and if it's too much, you need to have something to live for, separate from him. Think about the small things that annoy you, and think about dealing with them for a century.” Alice strokes my hair back, ever so gently, before moving to the front seat to give me, and perhaps herself, space.
I can vaguely hear their soft conversation, but I tune it out to ponder what she's told me. She didn't say no to Charlie, which Edward would have. Edward. It seems like ages ago that he took me to the meadow, told me he loved me, but it's only been a weekend. How long have we even been friendly? Romantic? All rationality in my brain is screaming not long enough. People always talk about the honeymoon phase, and it clicks something in to place. Do I know enough about Edward to love him? It takes months for a relationship to build up to abusive. Can I guarantee that he won't turn on me? He's got so much power over me. Will he even still be interested once we've balanced out or, heaven forbid, I've tipped the scales in my favor?
“ Would you say Edward is a rational person?” The question pops out, unbidden, and Jasper chuckles.
“ Starting to rethink things?” Alice's voice is almost a chime, but sympathetic. “He can be... but a lot of times he needs persuading. He's not always a good listener, which is ironic.” She snorts, kicking her feet up on the dashboard. “Despite living with her for, ya know, forever, he still thinks Rosalie is greedy for attention. You wouldn't know, but she's quite caring. She'd rather let Emmet take the spotlight any day. I'm not trying to paint my brother in a negative light, I do love him, but he's overbearing. Because he can read minds, he's convinced he's always right. Especially about humans. Before you, he hated them as much as he admired all they could do.”
“ I think he's been in High School too long. It's easy to hate teenagers. Their emotions are so strong, their thoughts even more volatile. It's painful to be around, but we all make the effort.” Jasper's voice is quiet in the car. It's nice to hear him speaking to me. Maybe we can be friends once I'm no longer human.
“ I understand, I think.” Their words have given me a lot to consider. The car lapses back into silence for several miles, more than I probably know.
My throat is almost sore from not speaking when I speak up again. My head's pressed to the window, watching the emptiness of Arizona, then New Mexico desert pass by. “I don't know that I'll be with Edward forever, if I'll even be able to stand him in a decade, but I want to be a vampire. Time passing me by, and the helplessness of being mortal, living in the world how it is, is my worst fear. I've spent a lot of time in my life being helpless to the will of others, and I'm in more danger now than I've ever been. Like it or not, I'm a part of your world now, and I can't be helpless if another vampire comes calling for me.” My voice is hard, and it's not an effort to be sincere. I can feel in my gut that this is the right decision. Even if Edward isn't right for me in the long run, being a vampire is. Besides, I'll have forever to figure it out. “Edward would say that he'd be there to protect me, but I don't want to be protected.”
“ Okay, I'll do it.” Alice makes the decision in a snap. “You're very serious about this, and I don't think Edward will ever stop dragging his feet. I've seen this since the day he met you, and it's clearer now than ever. By the time they can reach us, it'll be too late. He'll live, and you'll be able to stand up to him if he throws a fit.” Alice's grin is almost predatory, imagining, or perhaps having seen that come to life. “Jasper where-”
“ New York. We can go to the cabin up in the Adirondacks. We'll be miles from other people, and any dangerous stimuli.” He interrupts before she can finish. “That's why I picked it for our honeymoon, after all.” He smirks at her, and if she could blush, she probably would be right now.
“ Perfect. How far away is that?” Anticipation, maybe mixed with anxiety had barely started to build before it was smoothed away.
“ For humans? 40 or so hours from phoenix. We're maybe 15 hours away from it. Go to sleep and we'll be there before you know it.” Alice answers cheerfully.
“ Fine.” It's fairly easy to get comfy in the back seat, and some generously given sleepiness makes falling asleep easier than I expected. Things seem a lot easier than they did a few hours ago. A huge weight has been taken off my chest, at least temporarily.
I wake up to the soft chatter of Alice and Jasper, too indistinct for me to make out. “Humans need food, and you've been out for a while. Edward called, they landed in Phoenix on time. They should be meeting up with James soon. He'll call if they have news.” She raises her voice enough to reach me, and my stomach grumbles.
“ Baconator. Wendy's. Where are we?” The words are grumbled, fog still clouding my brain and processing.
“ We're still four or so hours away.” Alice passes back a Wendy's bag, still hot, and I'm suddenly grateful to have a psychic best friend.
“ Alice, I love you. You truly know what I need.” The desire for fries makes me sappy, I guess. Jasper chuckles. “God, wait can you hear my digestive system?” Eating suddenly becomes a lot harder, and I stop shoving fries into my mouth. Alice's bell laughter fills the car.
“ Eat, Bella.” It's almost an order, coming from her.
“ That wasn't a no.” I start eating fries one at a time, still not convinced, but willing to compromise. “So Edward didn't say much about your pasts. Can you tell me about what it was like for you as a newborn?” I direct the question to either of them, pushing my luck on the Jasper front.
“ As you've probably guessed, I was a cowboy. A vaquero, if you want to get into specifics. The best one in Texas, at that. I had a pretty good life, and then Maria found me. I guess she liked the look of me, because she turned me. She explained afterwards that there was a war on, The Civil one, but I didn't want any part of that. She'd saved me from being forced into it, like a lot of good men who made a living with me at the time, and I was grateful. I don't have the heart for war, and my gift would've made it unbearable.” His voice turns sorrowful, and his eyes in the rear view mirror are far away.
“ I wish I remembered my human life enough to tell you about it, because as rough as it could be, it was a good life for me. But you asked about bein' a newborn, so I'll tell you. Had we not been in the middle of a desert, I might've leveled a town with the amount of blood lust I had. She brought me several men who'd rather die than fight any longer, and die they did. It ain't easy, and it ain't pretty, but that's the truth. Had I known then, that Alice was comin', or the rest of my family's circumstances, the next few years might've been easier on me.
“ As it was, Maria wanted protection, and wrangling cattle translated well enough to wrangling newborns. They're strong, fast, and unpredictable. I took a lot of beatings and felt a lot of pain. I mostly wear button downs from the bite scars on my arms, and neck. Humans would ask too many questions. Eventually I grew tired of Maria, and the constant fighting. She had an army to take my place, and a war to survive. I don't know who was after her, but she was scared. I left, and wandered through the desert for a while, trying to survive with as little suffering caused as possible. I hadn't tried animals, didn't think to when families depended on most of the ones I found.
“ I came across a little town in 1948. I'd been a vampire for 104 years, and the weariness of fighting had me feeling every second of it. That's when I met Alice.” He looks over at her, pure devotion in his eyes. “I walked through the door, and she turned, sitting pretty on a bar stool. The first thing she said to me was 'You kept me waiting,' with the biggest smile on her face. I tipped my hat, apologized, and the rest is History. Two years later we met the family.” The story has brought the smile back to Jasper's face.
“ He still looked like a cowboy.” Alice giggles, leaning over to kiss him. I'm still speechless from the story, and the newfound newborn knowledge.
“ How much of a danger will I be?” My voice is apprehensive, although I'm not doubting my decision.
“ For the first year? Incredibly dangerous, and likely hard to control. Newborn thirst is overwhelming. Blood will be the only thing that matters if it's in your presence. You'll want to feed almost constantly, probably. If we can start you on a vegetarian diet early, it might be easier, but you will slip up. All of us did, except Rosalie. Miss Perfect is an outlier, and Carlisle's strength of will is unheard of.” Alice's voice is surprisingly light, for the topic. “We'll keep you in check. And the first few days, we'll have blood for you, no hunting or risk taking required.”
By this point I've finished my burger, but the thought of drinking animal blood turns my stomach just slightly. Might as well get used to it.
“ There's one more thing you need to know, and it might put you off, at least for a little while. Edward's reaction to you being turned isn't pretty.” Alice's eyes tighten a bit as she looks back at me, hiding a grimace. “I love you, and I will still turn you, but I'm not looking forward to being dismembered and put back together.”
Jasper's face in the rear view mirror is grim, his mouth set in a stern frown. He's obviously not happy about anything happening to Alice. His eyes say that she won't be the only one being dismembered, if he even lets Edward get that far. My mouth goes dry, and I'm suddenly glad Alice waited until I was done eating. She must've seen the possibility of me throwing up all over the car. I might anyways.
“ I think we should wait.” The answer is obvious to me, my brain no longer clouded by the adrenaline of being hunted, and fear of my own mortality. My own selfish desires can, and should, obviously come second to the life of my best friend. Not to mention Charlie's devastation if I went missing for months without talking to him. Of course I should wait. The answer would make Edward happy, even if it displeased me to admit. “I can't come between you and your family.”
“ I knew you would Bella, but don't think this means forever. I won't let him keep you out of our family.” Her face hasn't relaxed, and I know she's not saying something, but I can't read what.
“ I don't want to cause any trouble.” Her face softens slightly, at that.
“ You don't, Bella.”
The rest of the drive is spent between staring out the windows at the mountains in Pennsylvania passing us by, beautiful but still too green, and reading a few pages of Jane Austen, before tossing it aside, too impatient to focus. About two hours in, Edward calls again to let them know that James took off across the desert, with Victoria at his side. Under normal circumstances, I'd be desperate to talk to him, but Alice's warning has me rethinking my attachment to him. Do I want to be with someone who would dismember their own sister for turning me? He's so eager to override my desires in the name of my 'safety'. Anxiety still coursed through me at the thought of them chasing James, battling them out.
“ Bella?” Alice got my attention, hand outstretched with the phone for me.
“ Edward?” My voice wasn't as desperate as it might've been just yesterday.
“ Your mother is fine, safe in Florida. I think he's trying to track you, from the hotel. I don't think he'll have much luck, but Emmett and Carlisle are tracking him. I'm coming to you, to keep you safe.” His voice is hard, controlled, but I can hear the anger simmering under the surface.
“ No.” My voice is equally as hard, and I think I take him by surprise. “Your gift is better used in tracking him, and Alice can take care of me.” I never thought I'd refuse his company, or even want him to stay in danger, but I need more time to process my feelings without his company. Alice smiles in the front seat.
Edward sighs, clearly exasperated. “Bella, I love you. Let me protect you.”
“ Don't you trust Alice?” My voice is sweet, knowing he likely doesn't for the exact reason being around her is so liberating for me. “She can see what's going to happen, and call you. Being around her and Jasper is making the whole process easier on me.” I let some of my underlying anxiety bleed into my voice, hoping he'll realize the toll everything is taking on me.
“ As far as I can throw her,” he mutters, almost too quietly for me to hear.
“ James could track you to me. He's expecting you to come be with me.” I think this is what does it, the thought of him putting me into danger.
“ You're right.” The words sound pained, coming through gritted teeth. “Stay safe. Don't let Alice give you any... ideas .”
I let out a strained chuckle. “As safe as I can be, on a flat surface, in the middle of the mountains.”
He sighs again, sounding stressed. “You'll be the death of me, Bella.” I roll my eyes, thankful he can't see. Alice can and her bell laughter rings out. Edward doesn't question it, thankfully.
“ You can't die.” I remind him. He chuckles dryly, and hangs up without saying a word. I toss the phone at Alice with a sigh. “Is he always going to be like this? 'Don't have any ideas of your own, Bella. Even when you do have a good idea, I'm going to be resentful that you thought of it. Do exactly as I say, Bella. Be safe and stay in this glass cage I built for you, without question! Don't let Alice give you ideas, because there's no way you thought of them yourself!” I'm yelling by the end of my speech, irritation rolling through me, and for once Jasper doesn't interfere, letting me feel how I need to.
“ Go Bella.” Alice laughs softly, her voice gentle. “He's overbearing because he cares about you, not that I think you should take it. When you're one of us, you won't have to. I look forward to seeing him get it.” Her voice is gleeful.
“ I shouldn't have to now .” I mutter, wiping a few angry tears away. “Might have you turn me just to spite him.” I sigh, thinking about the destructive aftermath. “I shouldn't.”
“ Probably,” Alice admits. “I don't think he knows what he has enough to appreciate you like he should.”
Her words make me pause, and I think over every interaction I've had with him.”Has it really only been 9 days?” The words pop out unbidden, horrified. The panic is building in my mind at the revelation. He said he loved me after four days, and I said it back! “What the fuck is wrong with me? Obviously something! I don't love him, I can't! It's obviously some lust based infatuation, built up more by my desperation for attention and confusion over how he could want me , of all people. God, this is so stupid ! And he's a virgin who's never been in love, so of course he wouldn't know better. Ugh, I hate being the reasonable one.” Alice chuckles, and I glare at her.
“ Of course, it's an even shorter amount of time for you. He said he watches me sleep! What the fuck! We weren't even speaking when he started. That's so fucking creepy. What gives him the right? 'Oh, well Alice saw we were destined for each other, so I felt comfortable invading your privacy and taking our relationship at light speed, and overwhelming you into doing what I want because every single fucking thing about my anatomy is designed to draw you in, and taking advantage of that is totally fair!” I kick the back of the seat, angry tears pouring down my face, as Alice watches in silence. Her eyes are sad.
The anger is ebbing away, replaced by exhaustion that I don't give in to. It was probably the crying that did it. I can't blame Alice, though. She can't control what she sees, or how Edward reacts to it.
“ I'm sorry, Bella.” Alice's voice is quiet, letting me process in my own way.
“ It's not your fault.” I sigh, reaching out to her with one hand. “I am still going to be your sister. I'm still becoming a vampire. I think I'm going to take Edward down a peg, and make him start over. As equals.” Imagining being able to actually make him take me seriously is delightful, a more vindictive side of myself coming out.
“ I don't think it matters to me what he thinks of me becoming a vampire, and I don't think he'll get very far if he tries to hurt you for making me one.” Jasper meets my eyes in the mirror, his smile slightly scary at my words.
“ I thought it'd take a lot more than that to talk you out of Edward, honestly. You'll find he's not the only vampire interested in you. You have a new life, and tying yourself down immediately, without thinking it all through, isn't in your best interest.” Alice smiles back at me, happy with my decision. I try not to overthink what she's said. “God, he's going to be so pissed, not only that I turned you, but that he missed your first few days.” Her laugh is full of delight.
“ Do you have a request for your last meal?”
Her words take me back, but I quickly get over it. “I'm still full, and a baconater is a pretty good choice.”
She quickly slides over the seat, into the back with me. “I won't insult you by asking if you're sure, because it's clear you are, but are you okay? Today has been a whirlwind, and the breakdown of your relationship can do a number on you.”
It's not until she asks that I realize how not okay I am. The world as I knew it was different yesterday, and different even more two weeks ago. And in a few days, I won't even be the same person. “Maybe not.” My voice is small, and Alice pulls me to her hard chest, cradling me while I cry. I can feel Jasper making me sleepy, and I let it happen. It's the last chance I'll get.