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Huang Shaotian grew up loud. When being good, quiet and well-behaved didn’t get his parents’ attention, he thought that being wild, unruly and endlessly loud might. He got dragged into the head teacher’s office again and again, got into fight after fight with his classmates because he refused to stop talking and spend hours sitting with his teachers as they forced him to sit still and write lines. But no matter how many times his parents were brought into school and told about his behaviour, no matter how many times Huang Shaotian stood in front of them, screaming in his head notice me, see me, love me please-! They never did.
The car ride home would be done in silence, neither one of his parents saying a word to him, they’d exit the car in silence and look right through him, drifting off to their corners of the house and leaving him alone. In the silent emptiness where he may as well be a ghost. May as well not exist.
Huang Shaotian wondered if his parents really noticed that he’d moved out. He was sat in Blue Rain’s training camp with everyone’s eyes on him, the new boy, scouted personally by captain Wei Chen, everyone wanted to look at him, everyone wanted to talk to him, to see what he was like. He wasn’t invisible anymore, but all he could think about was the way his parents’ eyes would scan over him and move on without a flicker of acknowledgement. Huang Shaotian blinked away his tears forcibly, that was the past, in this moment, everyone was looking at him. They noticed him. He wasn’t invisible anymore.
Blue Rain’s training camp was a weird time. Huang Shaotian found himself simultaneously the centre of attention and completely ignored. Everyone had their eyes on him, everyone was watching him, the star of Blue Rain’s training camp, the best and brightest rookie, waiting to see what he could do and yet. And yet it was like no one really saw him at all. No one called him by his name, it was chatterbox, motormouth, noisy Huang Shao, never just his name and he never felt seen. Still overlooked in a way, still forgotten.
It got worse when Wei Chen left, and rumours started and Huang Shaotian stopped speaking. And yet nobody did a single thing to try and get him to talk again, everyone dodged the issue, ignored the fact that the boy they all called chatterbox had fallen silent. Except Yu Wenzhou.
Huang Shaotian had caught Yu Wenzhou’s attention from the moment he’d walked into the training room, everyone had been whispering about the rookie who’d made a name for himself kill-stealing wild bosses. Yu Wenzhou had been just as curious as everyone else about what he’d be like, how he’d behave. The only words he had to describe the other player would be larger than life. Every movement calculated to attract attention, each word spoken with great emphasis, forcing people to pay attention. Huang Shaotian was loud. Which was why Yu Wenzhou got worried when he suddenly fell silent.
“Shaotian?” His head turns to see Deadlast- no Yu Wenzhou, slipping into the seat next to him, notebook in hand as he started to scribble, talking out loud the whole while, talking about the strategies he’s scribbled down in his book. Huang Shaotian remains silent, and they sit there, one talking, the other mute, until it’s time to go and train. He expects it to be a one-time thing, a final attempt to draw him out. It isn’t.
The next time Huang Shaotian finds himself sitting alone, the buzz of the other trainees humming around him, he finds Yu Wenzhou sat next to him again, pencil scribbling away in his notebook. This one is different to his last one, for one thing, it’s bright, sky blue where the other was a dark brown and this one lacked Glory tactics, in fact, this one was filled with sketches.
“You draw?” He expects there to be a big deal made out of the fact that he spoke, for Yu Wenzhou to- to- what he doesn’t know, can’t read the boy sitting beside him, but he expects some kind of reaction. Huang Shaotian doesn’t get one, Yu Wenzhou merely smiles, though his eyes are still guarded when he replies.
“I like to sketch. It’s soothing. I don’t need everything to be about Glory.” Huang Shaotian mulls this over in his head for a while, letting them sit in silence but unlike the silence that pervaded his house when he was young, this is comfortable. The kind of silence that doesn’t demand anything, doesn’t feel oppressive. Huang Shaotian finds he likes it, and that he likes Yu Wenzhou’s company even more.
The next time he finds himself sitting beside Yu Wenzhou in the busy common room, he plucks up the courage to address the elephant in the room.
“I’m sorry.” To his surprise, Yu Wenzhou visibly startles at the apology, head tilted to the side in confusion, Huang Shaotian deliberately silences the little voice that comments how cute the other trainee looks like this.
“For what?” Huang Shaotian knows he probably looks ridiculous right now, that his mouth is hanging open and he looks foolish but he can’t help it.
“Is he serious?”
“For calling you Deadlast! For treating you so terribly! For everything I’ve said and done to you since you arrived here!” Yu Wenzhou frowned at his words, lips pursing slightly as he clearly mulled this over and Huang Shaotian once again had to silence the voice that seemed content to simply complain about Yu Wenzhou’s beauty.
“But there’s nothing to apologise for,” when Huang Shaotian seemed visibly thrown by this, Yu Wenzhou offered him a soft smile, “no need to apologise for something in the past.”
“But-!”
“No need.” If Yu Wenzhou looked less certain, if he was only pretending to make Huang Shaotian feel better, he was doing an excellent job at hiding it. All Huang Shaotian could do was nod and with that out of the way, the two grew closer than ever.
A few months later found Huang Shaotian lying aimlessly in Yu Wenzhou’s bed, tangled haphazardly in the sheets as he complained. Yu Wenzhou was sat up, back against the wall as he watched his friend babble on, fondness dancing in his eyes.
“-and it’s so stupid to continue to argue that if you spam a move hard enough that it will work eventually, you don’t have to be amazing at tactics like you are to know that you should use a variety of moves depending on the situation, do these people even understand what their brain is and how they can use it to think? Clearly not, otherwise they would actually decide that just spamming Falling Light Blade for ten minutes is going to get you nowhere if you don’t try and use your brain while PK-ing, after all it doesn’t matter how fast your hand speed is if you can’t utilise it properly, captain Wei always said that things are only as useful as you make them and-“ Huang Shaotian fell silent when he realised what he’d just said and Yu Wenzhou twisted in his chair to look at him properly.
“Do you want to talk about it?” The soft question makes Huang Shaotian scowl, unsure about the bundle of conflicting emotions writhing in his chest.
“What do you think about captain leaving?” He spits out instead, wondering if Yu Wenzhou would leave now, get mad at his hostile words, walk away like everyone else did. His friend simply hums thoughtfully, not leaving his chair as he mulled over an answer.
“I regret it-“ Yu Wenzhou didn’t get much more out before Huang Shaotian cut in, sitting bolt upright in a moment with wide eyes, blazing with conviction.
“Why should you regret it? It wasn’t your fault, I know I was a dick about it but I knew it wasn’t really your fault, if you’re talented enough to beat captain Wei then you’re talented enough to beat captain Wei and you shouldn’t feel bad over that, just because you succeeded your senior-!”
“Shaotian.” If Huang Shaotian was paying closer attention he’d wonder when Yu Wenzhou had become one voice he’d listen to instinctively but he was too distracted by the next words from his friend’s lips.
“I don’t regret beating captain Wei in the training matches, I regret not learning more from him while I had the chance.” Huang Shaotian grew silent at that, realising that when Wei Chen had been at Blue Rain he’d- not neglected the other trainees but- Yu Wenzhou huffed out a laugh, a soft, quiet sound as he seemed to read the emotions flickering across his friend’s face with ease.
“You were the bright shining star of the training camp Shaotian, it makes sense captain Wei would focus his attention on you and not a Deadlast-“ Yu Wenzhou yelped in shock as Huang Shaotian stood in a flurry of movement, shoving the desk chair back until it hit the table. The other player used his new height advantage to tower over Yu Wenzhou, conviction so strong it looked almost like fury dancing in his eyes.
“Don’t call yourself that!” Yu Wenzhou blinked in surprise at the amount of distress in Huang Shaotian’s voice, “don’t call yourself that Wenzhou, I shouldn’t have, no one should have, but especially not you! You’re intelligent and talented and pretty and you shouldn’t put yourself down!”
Yu Wenzhou’s lips parted in surprise, suddenly reminding Huang Shaotian of their close proximity but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to move away, fixated on the swell of his friend’s bottom lip. He brushed his thumb against it, almost absent-mindedly and watched as a quiet gasp of shock slipped past his lips.
“Promise me Wenzhou? To not put yourself down?” Huang Shaotian got the distinct pleasure as he watched his friend recalibrate, to realign his brain and focus once more.
“If you promise me something,”
“Anything, I’ll promise you anything captain!”
“Stop cutting yourself off.” Huang Shaotian went deathly still from where he was standing and his eyes flickered away, unable to meet the dark blue.
“I don’t know what you mean-“
“I mean when you shut down when something’s hurting you,” it’s Huang Shaotian’s turn to release a soft gasp when Yu Wenzhou’s thumb brushes against his cheek, “when you shut down because you don’t want to admit something’s hurt you.” Huang Shaotian lets his friend tilt his head up to meet the other’s eyes and lets out a soft huff of agreement.
“It’s a deal Wenzhou.”
It had been years since Huang Shaotian had felt unseen. Even without the media attention, the online posts, the endless exposure to people, with Yu Wenzhou at his side, Huang Shaotian felt the most solid he’d ever had. He was grounded, had his boyfriend at his side and Yu Wenzhou always saw him, ever since season six.
The trophy was heavy and cold in their hands but flushed with the high of victory, nobody even noticed. The fans were going wild, screaming in pure delight as Blue Rain stood on the championship podium and the trophy was placed into their hands.
Yu Wenzhou was smiling. While his captain smiled often, sometimes happy, sometimes intimidating, his smiles were always controlled, a soft quirk of his lips, a carefully arched eyebrow for warning but this- this was different. This was joy, elation, pure and sweet, painted across Yu Wenzhou’s face, his lips and Huang Shaotian was struck with the overwhelming urge to cover his mouth with his own, taste the victory from his captain’s lips.
And riding on the high of their victory, the moment he managed to catch his captain alone, he did.
Victory tasted sweet from Yu Wenzhou’s lips and it tasted sweeter when his captain pressed into the kiss, letting himself get pushed up against the wall as hands fisted in clothing and fingers tangled in hair. Yu Wenzhou made a hot, needy sound as they broke apart for air and Huang Shaotian was startled by the want in his eyes.
“You like me too captain…” Perhaps he should not have sounded so incredulous. After all, Yu Wenzhou enthusiastically returned the kiss and seemed up for another but Huang Shaotian was still surprised. Smart, handsome, kind Yu Wenzhou wanted him, saw him even and Huang Shaotian watched as blue eyes softened.
“I do like you Shaotian, so so much.” The quiet confession, for his ears only, had Huang Shaotian even more besotted than he was before, until their moment was interrupted by Song Xiao who quietly reminded them the press conference was about to start.
While Huang Shaotian seriously considered telling his teammate to tell the press to get lost, Yu Wenzhou wouldn’t let his personal life interfere with his job and so Huang Shaotian was reluctantly pulled out of their secluded corridor and in front of the press and flashing lights.
In the end, Huang Shaotian wasn’t too upset. Because despite the chaos, the cameras, the questions, he kept catching Yu Wenzhou’s eyes sliding over to him, tracing over his skin. Even when he was silent, even when he moving at all. He didn’t need to be loud and noisy to catch his captain’s attention.
And that knowledge? That knowledge meant everything, the reassurance meant everything.
Until his trust in that was shattered.
It started so normally, a training exercise, one to emphasise the value of foresight, a skill that warlocks mastered early on that Yu Wenzhou felt needed to be reinforced. And who better to be his opponent than the person who knew his playstyle best and vice versa? Huang Shaotian settled himself down at his computer, eyes bright with anticipation. He rarely got to PVP against his captain and the opportunity had him gleeful.
“Captain, captain, I’m going to eviscerate you, every time you execute one move, I’ll execute three, you won’t be able to keep up, you’d better be able to predict my every move but even then you won’t be able to defeat me and you’ll fall to my blade, just you wait and see!” The stream of trash talk didn’t pull a reaction from his partner, Yu Wenzhou stayed blank and stony-faced, causing a curl of unease in Huang Shaotian’s stomach.
“He doesn’t talk during matches, he isn’t ignoring me.” Huang Shaotian tells himself this firmly but he still can’t quite squash the little voice that tells him he’s finally lost Yu Wenzhou’s attention.
The match begins and despite the map being well suited to hiding behind trees or using a rock for shelter, what Yu Wenzhou is expecting him to do, likely wanting him to do as to properly demonstrate the concept of foresight, Huang Shaotian bursts up in a blaze of commands, each one executed as easily as the trash talk flowed from his lips.
“Take that! And that! And that! Falling Light Blade always makes you stumble Yu Wenzhou, should I use it again? Oh no I tricked you it’s Headwind Strike!” Huang Shaotian continued to ramble wildly, striking out without his usual precision, getting louder and louder, waiting for his captain to notice him, to say something, even if it is to reprimand him for getting sloppy.
Yu Wenzhou throws out a Bind Spell, using the precious few moments where it held Huang Shaotian captive in order to put some distance between himself and the other player, taking the opportunity to vanish into the trees. When Huang Shaotian broke free, he ran into the densely packed trees intent on striking back at his captain, knowing that warlocks relied on distance due to their relatively low health and defence.
Troubling Rain slowed once he was in the thick of the trees, knowing that Yu Wenzhou had a plan up his sleeves and was likely luring him into a trap. Particularly if the aim of today’s demonstration was foresight, Yu Wenzhou would be plotting and predicting his every move.
“Captain, captain, there’s no point in hiding, I know that you can’t face me head on but that isn’t any reason to hide in the forest and not come out like a coward.” Realistically Huang Shaotian knew that this kind of trash talk didn’t work on Yu Wenzhou, in fact, it was very difficult to pull any kind of anger, or even annoyance from him. But Huang Shaotian was growing more desperate.
He swore when he was suddenly attacked by a ghost, swiping his sword even as he knew it would be ineffectual as he tried to dodge the stupid thing’s attacks. He knew this was Yu Wenzhou’s way of luring him into a trap while also letting him regain some health, in case the fight was drawn out. Huang Shaotian still stepped forward, towards where the ghost had swarmed off.
“See if Wenzhou ignores me as I walk right into a trap.” Surely this would catch his captain’s attention, force him to pay attention to him. Huang Shaotian spotted the streaks that came with a Hexagram Prison and dodged the trap with ease, bright grin on his face as he thought he’d successfully avoided the trap.
“Ah see captain, you couldn’t catch me out that easily, I may not be as foresighted as you are but you still can’t get me that easily. This clearly means you need to come out and face me and fight me face to face, come on captain you have to see that I-“
Huang Shaotian went suddenly silent when he realised that he’d walked straight into Yu Wenzhou’s real trap. Still hidden somewhere, Yu Wenzhou had cast Hexagram Prison with no intent of actually using it to capture Huang Shaotian. The real motivation was to move him into the perfect place to be tangled up in Yu Wenzhou’s Death’s Door and Huang Shaotian expected, now that the match was over, some kind of acknowledgment, reassurance that Yu Wenzhou could still see him.
But it didn’t come. Yu Wenzhou stood up and walked to the front of the room, already illustrating the match’s key points on the whiteboard and waiting for his teammates to chime in on where the tide of the match changed, how seeing ahead changed the scope of the battle. All of this washed over Huang Shaotian like he was in a hazy dream.
It was stupid. He wasn’t a child anymore. There was no reason for him to feel invisible. Yu Wenzhou was busy, they were in the middle of training, it was normal for his partner to not speak during training matches. Everything was fine. It was.
And yet.
And yet it was taking everything in Huang Shaotian to stop the tears from trickling down his cheeks and to hold back the almost panicked huff of air in his lungs. He wasn’t a child anymore, hadn’t been one in a long, long time but in that moment, he was seven years old and invisible in an already empty house.
“Excuse me-“ Is all he manages to choke out, all he can choke out before he’s out of the door and nearly running, needing time to compose himself, to shove the overwhelming fear that one day even Yu Wenzhou wouldn’t see him back down into it’s box before he could face his captain, his boyfriend again.
Of course, he couldn’t be that lucky.
“Shaotian!” Yu Wenzhou’s voice rings out behind him, commanding but laced with worry, threaded through his tone and Huang Shaotian goes still, hand on his keypad, so close to disappearing with his fears.
But he doesn’t. He waits outside the door until he knows Yu Wenzhou is right behind him, can feel his reassuring presence and yet, it isn’t enough. He keeps his back to his boyfriend, keeps his face turned away until Yu Wenzhou speaks again, voice achingly soft and pleading, all hints of command gone.
“Shaotian please, look at me.” And Huang Shaotian can do a lot of things, is talented at doing a great deal of things but resisting Yu Wenzhou when he speaks like that? Soft, pleading with worry bleeding through his voice, that is something Huang Shaotian knows he’ll never be able to do.
He turns.
It’s like a punch to the gut. Huang Shaotian is trembling, eyes rimmed red and every muscle pulled tight as if he’s putting everything into holding back his tears. The worst thing? Yu Wenzhou doesn’t even know what he’s done, he knows very well this is his fault, that he’s caused this, but he doesn’t know how. And that? The knowledge that he can hurt his partner so deeply without even realising it? Makes him feel like he’s going to be sick.
He barely remembers dragging his boyfriend into his room, pulling him away from the public hallway and into privacy, hating the fact that he could feel a fine tremor against his wrist, hating that tears have begun to fall down his partner’s face. Huang Shaotian is pulled onto the bed, Yu Wenzhou’s arms around him in a moment, and they stay like that for a long time, the only sounds of Huang Shaotian’s soft hiccupy sobs and Yu Wenzhou holds him.
When the tears stop, when Huang Shaotian is pulling away and wiping at his eyes, abashed, apologies start to spill out.
“I’m sorry for crying captain, you have better, more important things to do than watch over me as I cry like a baby, there’s no reason for you to have to do that, you always have something very important to do, I’ll just go- thank you and I promise I won’t do this again, I didn’t mean to make you have to look after me, it’s not your job-”
“What did I do?” Yu Wenzhou’s voice is quiet, unlike Huang Shaotian’s rapid-fire rambling but it still stops the vice-captain in his tracks, still has him pause and fall silent.
“You didn’t do anything captain- really Wenzhou, you didn’t do anything-”
“Don’t lie to me Shaotian. What did I do?” When it looks like Huang Shaotian is going to brush him off again, tell him not to worry, try and sweep the whole thing away, Yu Wenzhou pushes a little harder, “please, you promised not to hide the things that hurt you.”
And Huang Shaotian knows he can never deny Yu Wenzhou anything, knows that he obeys his captain without thinking now, trusting him implicitly but when he says please like that, when his voice goes quiet and his eyes go soft and pleading, guilt written across the lines of his face? Huang Shaotian knows that he’d do anything to wipe that expression away, even if it means baring the most vulnerable parts of himself.
“It really isn’t important Wenzhou-” He tries but the expression doesn’t leave, Yu Wenzhou isn’t reassured, and he sighs, fidgeting as he begins to talk.
“You ignored me.” Yu Wenzhou remembered, they were practicing against each other, providing examples of how to create and then exploit opportunities and as usual Huang Shaotian unleashed a barrage of trash talk, he didn’t fall silent the entire time. He hadn’t responded, silent and fully focused on the screen in front of him, it was only after they finished, he caught the tremble, the thready note to Huang Shaotian’s voice and realised something was wrong.
“It’s stupid, and childish, and it really doesn’t matter but I- I don’t like being ignored, being invisible.” Huang Shaotian’s next words are nearly inaudible, nearly lost but Yu Wenzhou is listening carefully and catches them. “My parents made me feel invisible.” Yu Wenzhou felt his heart twist in his chest, and he pulled Huang Shaotian into his arms, holding him tightly, trying to pour enough reassurance to erase the years of being invisible. He knows he can’t. He knows that it isn’t enough to wipe away the memory of not being seen.
But he’s going to try. Yu Wenzhou holds Huang Shaotian in his arms, presses a fervent kiss to his cheek and murmurs a promise.
“Never invisible to me.” And he holds him through his tears and wipes them away when he stops crying.
He keeps his promise. Never invisible. Not again.