Chapter Text
Saying Goodbye
Steve
The original Avengers team has disbanded.
Iron Man retiring, Hawkeye spending his time with his family, Thor going off to Asgard, and Bruce nowhere to be found. Steve felt thrown out in the wind with everything that happened.
One moment it was all of them, fighting as one, as a team, taking down rogue HYDRA cells and celebrating together. Next thing he knows, it was all over. With this team, relationships were formed - the camaraderie reminding him of the Howling Commandos during the war, but infinitely more amusing and snarky.
Steve supposed he should be used to change, after all, it was him who was catapulted into another time and age. He won't say it out loud, not even under pain of torture, but he loved this team. It was what grounded him after spending 70 years frozen. The dynamics of being a leader and being in action helped distract him from moving on, but as the Wanda inadvertently pointed out to him through the visions she gave him, moving on cannot be put off indefinitely.
Letting go of Peggy forever and moving on is one of the hardest things he had done bar one.
It was watching Natasha be with Bruce.
When Fury first assigned the Black Widow as his partner, he was apprehensive. Sure, he had worked with her, seen her "catch" a ride by jumping off his shield and onto a flying Chitauri vehicle, seen her kick-ass with her guns and deadly Widow bites. He respects her as an agent, but does he trust her? No, that was another matter.
Another matter that was resolved when SHIELD fell down, and everything that he has started to believe since he defrosted turned out to be a lie. He wondered then if she was also a lie.
He didn't count on the fact that she was also betrayed.
He has read her files, of course, and the most logical assumption to this matter was to assume Black Widow is a HYDRA operative. After all, lies were her thing.
So he was surprised to see that she, Black Widow, entrusted herself wholly to SHIELD's interest. Remembering their own conversation in Sam's house, he understood her.
Him: You okay?
Her: Yeah.
Him: What's going on?
Her: When I first joined SHIELD, I thought it was going straight. But I guess I just traded in the KGB for HYDRA. I thought I knew whose lies I was telling, but...I guess I can't tell the difference anymore.
Him: There's a chance you might be in the wrong business.
[She smiles faintly]
Her: I owe you.
Him: It's okay.
Her: If it was the other way around, and it was down to me to save your life, and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?
Him: I would now. And I'm always honest.
It was entirely difficult to live a lie of deceit and then have the one thing you trusted lie to you. So they made a pact. Honesty. Steve might never know how much it cost Nat to promise it so, but he sure as hell treasures it. Their defenses were down, and it was at that moment that Steve saw the real Nat.
Not the Natasha that the Red Room made, not the Natasha that SHIELD has employed. This was the Natasha that craved a semblance of normalcy and trustworthiness that touched Steve's heart.
The moment was intimate, but there was nothing sexual about it. It was the same feeling when you have entirely understood something that has completely baffled you. She was exposed, raw, and it tugged at Steve's heart. He wouldn't understand until later, much later, that this was the moment the soldier fell in love with the spy.
After assembling together for the second time to clean out HYDRA, he found out that a lot has changed in the year they didn't see each other. She left to find another cover, but she returned laid-back and dare he say it, fun.
She's also flirting.
Not that he has anything against Natasha flirting because God knows he had his fair share of it (and secretly he loves it when she's flirting with him), but it was unsettling to see her doing so with Bruce. The good doctor was flustered with her advances (tell me about it) but Steve could see that Bruce was interested in her as well.
So, because he was such a good friend - and because Captain America has a thing about self-sacrifice - Steve told Bruce not to wait. "Take it from someone who waited too long," Steve told Bruce.
If he felt a twinge of pain over that he simply ignored it and filed it away to a box neatly labeled "Natasha Romanoff" inside his mind.
They were in Clint's safe house.
With Clint's wife and children.
Steve was a little shell-shocked to learn that not only does Hawkeye have a wife, he also has children. They all were.
He was even more flabbergasted to watch the children call her "Auntie Nat". Well, that answers the question where Nat goes every second Saturdays of the month. Not that he's jealous or anything, but Natasha has been spending her Saturdays with him. He just wondered where she went during those days.
Nat (when did he start calling her Nat? Only Clint could get away with calling her nicknames, but for some reason, whenever Steve calls her the truncated version of her name, she doesn't mind. Or attempt to get his head off.) bent down to hug the little girl, and immediately, Steve was hit with an image of a little girl with red hair and blue eyes. Maybe the same smile as Natasha.
Steve froze, the implications running through his mind with surprising alacrity. Coming out of the ice, he has always felt as if he was in limbo, one foot in the past, and the other in this strange new world. Only when he was fighting and commanding, or during the quiet moments where Natasha is teaching him about the present did he feel grounded. A semblance of normalcy.
Needless to say, most of the time, dreams of a white picket fence and children is something that only pre-serum Steve actively cared about.
Until this moment.
Steve was hit with such a powerful wave of want - of wanting something for himself. Wanting the whole American dream, but with only one specific woman. Only with her.
Nat turned and Steve watched as he smiled at Bruce, the latter who only awkwardly returned Natasha's blinding smiles.
That sobered him up pretty quickly (she's not yours), and he went outside to get some fresh air.
"I'm always picking up after you boys?" Natasha's dry voice sounded out in his ear. Relief flooded his system every time he hear her voice, whole and not in pain.
He did not want to admit it but Ultron was getting the upper hand, especially since he dropped his shield. Right hooks and roundhouse kicks aren't really good weapons for a maniacal, seven-foot-tall metallic robot. When Nat tossed his shield back to him, he wanted to turn and reassure himself that she was okay but Ultron apparently doesn't want his attention divided.
After that, Steve lost track of her until Clint asked him if he had spotted Natasha. Steve felt a sense of foreboding and panic, but Captain America took over and he commanded Clint to secure the synthetic body of Ultron first before going after Romanoff.
Steve paid for that decision. Nat was taken by Ultron, but he could only console himself that at least the synthetic body was not with Ultron anymore. He knew that Natasha knew that what he did was the right decision.
But still, he didn't like the fact that Natasha was in Ultron's hands. She would probably kick him in the balls if she ever learns of this but Steve wants Natasha out of danger and stays safe. Irrational, he knew. She is the Black Widow. If there is anyone who could take care of herself it was Natasha.
The fear remained in his mind.
She was staring off into space.
She seems to do that a lot since they managed to somehow defeat Ultron. He knew that it was because of the horrors of her past that Wanda revived for her. Most probably because of Bruce's disappearance. Seeing the two together, he forced himself to be happy for them, but he just couldn't.
Steve knew that they both deserve happiness, hell, all of them does but even if he tried, there is still that small voice that whispered 'mine', every time he looks at those green eyes.
He took a moment to study her. She was very still, but there was a certain anxious aura about her that makes her seem as if she is on the edge of action always. He softly called out to her, reminding her of their duties to their new team. She smiled faintly at him, but the sadness in the eyes of the girl holding his heart urged him to go do something about it.
Only he couldn't. No, it wouldn't be fair to take advantage of her when she is clearly hurting. Together, as partners, they have faced dangers that no normal man or woman had faced before so it was no wonder that their lives would not be normal too. Together, they saved the world twice and together they would start this new team of Avengers.
He would just make sure that whenever she needs him, he would always be by her side.
Regardless of what he is feeling, even if he now knew he loved her.
Natasha
It was time.
She'd fought against it for so long because if there is one thing that she knew, it was that she wasn't worthy.
She wasn't worthy of him.
She thought she couldn't be with Steve. Not really. Not in the way she wanted to. She was the ultimate spy, he was the ultimate soldier. He was frustratingly and annoyingly good and she was … bad, damaged.
If she could do just one good thing in her life, it was to never taint Steve with her red. Distancing herself from him is the best course of action. Steve wasn't the only tactician in this group after all. What she wants from him is something she never dares ask for.
Love is for children, she told Loki once.
How massively wrong she is.
She forced herself to hide her burgeoning feelings for Steve because that was the right thing to do.
When she gave him that folder in the cemetery just as she was getting ready to go off and find other covers, she couldn't help but wonder what he would do if she asked that he go with her.
Would he say yes? Probably no. Steve and Captain America are basically one, and their morals so tied with each other it gets exasperating. She was used to shades of gray and always walking the fine line, however, she knew that Steve was the black-and-white type of guy. She could never ask him to do this for her.
And so she left. Turning away from him was hard.
And, she dryly notes, she was a queen of understating things.
A year later when the call for "assemble" drew them together, she realized that she never did say goodbye to Steve.
She never said goodbye to the idea of Steve, because the moment she saw him again, all those months faded away.
She was glad to be here, to be among the mightiest heroes. Most of all, she was glad Steve was here.
And then there was Bruce.
The monster-hiding-behind-that-gentle-face thing she totally understands. After all, she has her own monster, only it doesn't turn green and it only visits at night. She sympathizes with the doctor, even finding him a kindred spirit.
If she couldn't touch Steve's pedestal, then maybe Banner's would be more approachable. She inwardly snorted at that fact, first because Banner didn't consciously want to be the Hulk and spread immense damage, and second because she consciously chose whatever she has done.
She didn't deserve anyone, but she guesses it was a matter of choosing between the proverbial rock and a hard place.
She batted her eyes, she smiled, and she flirted.
Hook, line, sinker.
It all fell into place. Maybe she should feel bad because Bruce was her teammate, but she didn't. Curiously, she found herself being drawn deeper to Bruce, but it wasn't in the way she supposed it would be. It was a familiarity of monsters and dark things, the way she understands that they gravitate towards one another. It's hard being called a superhero when she herself doesn't feel like one. And Bruce knows. Bruce commiserates. Bruce understands the feeling of not wanting to spread her evil, of trying to atone for what she had done.
Steve can't.
A part of her heart - that small, insistent, annoyingly pining part - keeps pointing out that for all that Steve is good, he of all people CAN understand her too. Steve could, if she let herself believe. But Steve isn't the only one on the team with unhealthy self-sacrificial tendencies.
She wouldn't deny that she cares for Bruce. Maybe she could even love him. If only her heart wasn't occupied by a certain blonde soldier with piercing blue eyes. As it is, Natasha is genuinely upset that Bruce decided to go away.
Coming back to the present, she raises her cup to her lips.
After all that went down with Ultron and his genocidal attempt, she hasn't drank any coffee nor has she got any time to unwind. She stares at the Rockies from her balcony, breathing in the fresh air. It was peaceful here, serene. To think that this would become nothing but a burning inferno if Ultron had gotten his nefarious way. They did it again. Saved the world. Her, Hawkeye, Thor, Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America … Steve.
I should just go tell him. She debates with herself. Carrying on like this is exhausting. He at the very least deserves to know how I – the buzzer sounded.
Immediately reaching for her gun, she points it at the door.
Nobody knows this safehouse. This is off the books!
"Natasha? Are you here?" a familiar and welcome voice called out.
"Steve?" Natasha threw open the door. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you. You just disappeared for days after the … after the … well, after it."
"I needed some time alone."
Steve blushed faintly but he kept his expression straight.
"I know, I just needed to know you are okay. I needed to… needed to see for myself."
Natasha stared at his baby blue eyes, seeing the unspoken words there. She only hopes that he could see her unspoken words, too.
"Come in. It's cold outside," Natasha stepped aside to let him in.
Steve looked around the small cabin. There was a homey feel to it, something one would truly appreciate after experiencing something bad. No wonder Nat went here.
"Coffee?" Natasha asked him, going to the small kitchen with a steaming pot of coffee on the counter.
"Sure. I could use one," Steve smiled at her reaching for the cup Natasha poured for him. He sat on one of the barstools on the counter. "Didn't exactly take you for a coffee person."
"Well, staying up late to finish all that paperwork for SHIELD demanded coffee," Nat smirked, "I guess I finally understood why you Americans are addicted to it. In Russia, we just use vodka."
Steve laughed, a sound Natasha always loved.
"In Russia, you use vodka for everything," Steve countered back, smiling.
"Damn right," Natasha agreed. They fell into a companionable silence, both just staring out the window. There was something peaceful about looking at the gentle snowfall and having a warm drink in hand, but Natasha secretly knows that everything peaceful is because this man is beside her right now.
"Do you ever think that we should just stop doing this?" Steve blurted out of the blue.
"Do-Doing what?" Natasha turned to look at him, not really understanding what he's referring to but at the same time knowing exactly what this is about.
Steve looked positively nervous, but a look of determination - one that Natasha intimately knew from observing him - crossed his face
"This, pretending we don't want each other." Steve managed to say with a straight face even though his heart was trying to beat out of his ribcage.
"I don't understand what-"
"Oh, I think you understand plainly, Nat. This. Us."
Steve was silent for a full minute. Natasha spent that full minute debating whether to kick or congratulate herself.
He spoke so softly that Natasha almost didn't catch it.
"I never meant to come between you and him."
Then it hit her. It wasn't only her that was running. Steve was running, too. Whether it was from his past or his misguided attempts to be the bigger person, he was running.
Natasha started to say something but Steve cut her off.
"I never fully realized until Wanda attacked us. Seeing you with Clint's daughter Lila put things in perspective for me," Steve softly smiled, "but by then it was too late. Bruce was there for you in a way I think you never let me be."
Steve stood up and walked towards her and leaned on her side of the counter, close enough that Nat can almost feel him, but enough that Steve knew she won't run. After everything, Steve knew Natasha.
"I tried so hard to be happy for you. In fact, I am, but I can't help but feel that you are far more grounded with Bruce than you can ever be with me," Steve crossed his arms on his chest, "However, it doesn't change the fact though that I have loved you for so long and I only realized it too late. It seems that I'm always cursed with being too late," He said, all the while trying not to stare at her, but failing.
"Peggy always told me that I should look for the right partner, and when I found her, either I was plunging a plane in the sea or I was standing back because I'm not what she needs," Steve shook his head, "Not that you were interchangeable, just that I am always too late."
Natasha was rooted to the ground. She couldn't move even if she tried. Here was everything she wanted, and yet everything is falling apart.
The silence dragged on, but this time it was not comfortable.
Eventually, Steve cleared his throat, "I shouldn't stay long. I just had to see you. I'll be going now. See you in practice? Not that you have to rush back to HQ, you need to enjoy your time off here", he smiled and he pressed a kiss to Nat's forehead.
"Take your time, Nat. God knows you need it. Thank you for the coffee," Steve told her, and with one last look, he headed outside.
If there was one thing that is absolutely sure in this world, it was that Steve Rogers is stupid.
Frustratingly, annoyingly stupid.
Stupid and brave. Brave enough to risk her wrath.
How dare he drop everything like that to her and have the audacity to immediately leave.
How dare he tell her things like that.
How dare he shake things up in this carefully constructed house of cards she made.
How. Dare. He. Love. Her.
Natasha closed her eyes and let just one tear fall. Everything she wanted seems to be in her hands but also far from that.
She lasted around four hours walking back and forth in the small cabin thinking of what she will do next. In the end, it was back to DC she went.
She called Tony to ask him if Steve went back to the compound, and Tony confirmed that Steve was indeed back at the compound and was overseeing the training of a number of agents for the next mission. It was dark when she got back to the compound. She parked her Audi convertible in the underground parking beside Tony's number of sports cars and Steve's beloved Harley.
"JARVIS, can you tell me where Captain Rogers is right now?" Nat asked the AI. "And please walk me through a hallway not filled with agents, if any. I don't want to alert anyone to my presence."
"Of course, Miss Romanoff. Captain Rogers is inside his apartment as of the moment. He has recently finished briefing some agents on their mission. If you are looking to avoid people, may I suggest this route?" A hologram appeared in front of her, directing her to a series of hallway turns and concealed elevators up to the main Avengers' apartments. "Thank you, JARVIS," Natasha told the AI. "You're quite welcome, Miss Romanoff," JARVIS chorused back.
A few minutes later, Natasha is standing in front of his door. She raised her hands to knock, but faltered a bit.
Come on, Romanoff. Now or never.
She rapped on the door firmly and stood back to wait for it to open.
Steve opened his doors to find Natasha standing there.
"Nat? Hey, it's late. Why are you here? I thought you were still in Aspen?"
"Can I come in?" Nat asked softly.
"Of course, you're always welcome here." Steve opened the door wider for her, and for the first time, it hit Natasha the parallels of this day. It's her turn to let Steve know.
As soon as Steve closed the door and started to lead her down to his couch, she spoke.
"You make me feel like I'm not good enough," her voice, wavering.
"What?" Steve abruptly turned and asked incredulously.
"You. You are goodness incarnate, and I'm... I'm not. I'm not good enough for you - and please let me finish-" she added when it looked like Steve was about to interrupt her. "I know that I am not what the Red Room has made me to be. I have changed, but I'm still paying for all the red, the blood I shed. And I couldn't taint your goodness with it. That is why I stayed away. I do not deserve you, Steve. You deserve someone less fucked up, someone who isn't me!" Natasha implored him to understand.
"Wha- Taint me? Nat what are you talking about?" Steve clarified.
"I couldn't, I just couldn't. You are what a nation looks up to, a symbol of everything good and pure, I'm … I'm … not." She said forlornly, tears finally falling down her eyes, "I couldn't be with you and not stain you with red. I couldn't do that to you, not with how much I love you. And I do, Steve. I hid that truth in the back of my head and kept it close to my heart because I knew once I acknowledge it that I can't stop it. I would want more with you. And that is way more than I deserve. That's what you do to people whom you love, right? You'd rather they stay away from you if it makes them be-?" She couldn't finish her sentence because in that short time Steve covered the distance between them and kissed her with such passion and emotion that so that she will never confuse him with good and pure ever again.
After a moment of shocked paralysis, Natasha kissed him back with equal fervor. The kiss was long, a salute to finally finding each other, and eventually it died a sweet, natural death.
Steve kept their foreheads touched.
"If you think I am letting you go because you think you don't deserve me, you got another think coming," Steve whispered, hot and low to her. "It's me who doesn't deserve a woman like you. You are not a perfect human being Natasha, and neither am I. But you are the farthest thing from a monster. You've proved that every day with the world. You saved more people than you've hurt, and every day you prove yourself to be a better person. So you of all people deserve happiness. And I'll continue reminding you that you are a good person."
Natasha's tears couldn't stop falling. She kissed him back, wet and damp, but with all the force of what she felt behind it.
She was a good person, but it didn't take Steve telling her that to make her realize it. Because Steve was right. She can't live in her past and keep beating herself over it, and not recognizing the good that she does. Maybe it won't erase her past, but she was damn tired of denying herself happiness because she once dealt pain to others. It was her turn to live and love, too.
"I guess we're just a bunch of masochists, eh?" Natasha joked, and Steve laughed that laugh she loved so much.
"Oh, Natasha" Steve whispered, blue eyes shining brightly with unshed tears, "I love you."
"I love you, Steven Grant Rogers. Only you."
Their lips met again, this time sealing the declaration of their love to their very souls.
They would face many trials, betrayals, ruined friendships, but their love would transcend everything. Even death.