Work Text:
College sucks. Majorly, completely sucks.
Sure, they’ve been going for almost a full year, and they’re pretty much used to it now, but it still sucks.
Lucas’ classes are hard, and take up most of his time. Combine that with his part-time job at their school’s library, and Lucas barely gets to see Will when he’s awake.
They always have the mornings, unless Lucas has a shift then, which is starting to become more common, much to Will’s disappointment. And they have lunch together every day, too. That’s all fine. They take the opportunities they can.
It’s the nights that Lucas misses.
Whenever he comes home from the library, it’s usually late enough that Will is already sound asleep in their bed, or sometimes at their kitchen table. Either way, all Lucas can do is kiss his cheek gently and crawl into bed next to him, unable to tell him about his day or even give a little I love you.
Except, apparently, tonight.
When Lucas unlocks the door to their apartment and walks in, instead of seeing the lights in the hallway turned out and an empty kitchen and living room, he sees the lights on and Will sitting at the kitchen table (awake), head in his hands, staring at a pile of paper in front of him. He doesn’t seem to take notice of Lucas’ entrance.
A small smile appears on Lucas’ face as he removes his jacket and shoes. It’s been ages since they got a real night together.
“Hi,” he says softly, doing his best not to startle Will too much. He jumps a little, but softens immediately when he turns to look at Lucas.
Will sighs happily, stretching his arms above his head. Lucas moves quickly and grabs his hands while they’re in the air.
“Hi.”
Lucas responds with a gentle kiss to Will’s cheek, leaning down and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy’s shoulders.
“What’s this?” he asks, nodding towards the papers on the table.
Will sighs a little, his body deflating slightly. Lucas plants a couple kisses along his jaw.
“Homework. Art history. Have to write a page on a painting and its significance. I,” Will points to his chest, leaning his head against Lucas’, “am not very good at art history.”
Lucas nods slowly, looking over Will’s work. He doesn’t have much done. “Do you need any help?”
Will hesitates for a moment before shaking his head. His hair tickles Lucas’ cheek. “‘M okay, I think. You go do your thing. I’ll be done soon. Hopefully.”
Lucas hums a little in response. He takes Will’s chin in his hand, turning his head to the left. He leans down just a little and kisses Will gently. (The term kiss used loosely, they’re basically just smiling against each other’s mouths.)
“Love you,” Lucas whispers. Will smiles before pushing his boyfriend off of him.
“Love you too. Now leave me alone.”
Lucas merely grins, heading over to their couch and grabbing his book (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy) on the way.
The next couple hours are silent.
Lucas relaxes on the couch, reading his book peacefully. It’s good. He’s read it before, but it’s still one of his favourites.
He doesn’t check up on Will at all while he’s studying. He looks up and watches him a couple times, ready to get up and help should he ask for it. But he knows that if Will needs him, he’ll ask.
It’s around 1:30AM that Lucas gets up from his spot on the couch to get ready to go to bed. Before he gets into the bathroom, he looks back at Will one more time, looking for any sign of distress or confusion. When he doesn’t find any, he heads into the bathroom and shuts the door gently.
Once he’s finished and out, Lucas realizes that he missed something when he checked on Will.
From what Lucas can see, Will’s hands are shaking violently, the pencil in his hands seconds from falling from his fingers. He seems to be doing his best to breathe normally, but his efforts are futile. His chest heaves wildly.
Panic attack.
Lucas is quick to join Will at his side, working quickly but gently. “Hey, hey, Will, baby, look at me. Come on.”
Will does not look at Lucas. He grips his pencil tighter. It falls onto the pile of papers in front of him.
Lucas sighs a little, “I’m gonna touch you now, okay? You’re okay.” When he doesn’t hear any protest from Will, he grabs his waist gently and helps him to the floor, leaning him up against the wall.
No matter how many panic attacks Will has, no matter how many times Lucas goes through the list to get him to calm down, sometimes he forgets what to do.
Today is one of those days.
So he improvises.
He takes Will’s shaking hands in his own, holding them gently, but still enough that Will can feel it.
“Will?” No response, physical or verbal. Will’s breathing gets quicker. “Will, baby, please look at me. I can’t help you if you don’t look at me.”
Lucas knows that sometimes it’s hard for Will to comply, out of embarrassment. But he knows that he tries.
“You’re okay. It’s okay. I’m not mad, I’m not judging, it’s just you and me.”
Finally, finally, Will moves his gaze from the floor to Lucas’ face. Lucas smiles gently.
“Good. You’re doing so good. We’re gonna breathe now, okay? You know how to do that.”
Will nods slightly. Lucas smiles again. “In.” He breathes in, Will following along shakily. They hold the breath for a second. “Out.” Lucas exhales slowly. Will does his best to do the same.
He continues the process gently. When Will’s breathing picks back up a couple times, Lucas squeezes his hands slightly, bringing him back down with a, “You’re doing so well, baby, can you breathe with me again?” or, “Come on, you can do this. You know you can. In…”
Lucas isn’t sure how long they sit on the cold tile of their kitchen floor, breathing together and bringing Will down from his panic attack. It doesn’t matter. He would sit here with Will calming him down for hours if he had to.
Thankfully, he doesn’t. After a while, Will is breathing properly on his own. Lucas goes silent now, holding Will’s stilling hands in his lap, stroking them with his thumb gently. He doesn’t stare, he knows that doesn’t help Will post-panic. He’s more than happy to wait for Will to come back fully on his own.
Lucas is playing with Will’s fingers when he hears a shaky and tiny voice say, “Green.”
Within seconds Lucas is scooping Will up into his arms, settling him in his lap and holding him close. Will doesn’t move, which isn’t surprising. He always feels drained after his panic attacks, and he’s more than content to let Lucas take care of him.
“Oh, you did so good. So good, I’m so proud of you. You’re okay,” Lucas whispers into Will’s shoulder, rubbing his arms gently. Will whimpers, just a little, curling into himself and Lucas.
They sit there for a while, Will near asleep in Lucas’ arms. When he realizes this, Lucas helps him latch onto his hips, standing up and carrying Will into the bathroom.
“Gonna get you ready for bed, okay? It’s late,” Lucas says softly, helping Will stand on his own. He doesn’t do it quite right, opting instead to lean his weight back against Lucas, but he doesn’t mind.
Lucas gets Will’s toothbrush ready for him, helping him start the brushing process. While he does, Lucas strokes his shoulders gently.
He knows that normally, Will doesn’t like to be babied, hence his refusal to ask for help, which was clearly the cause of tonight’s attack. (Lucas won’t ask him about it, though. He knows Will doesn’t want to relive it. He never does.) But after a panic attack, Will knows that a little babying is necessary. So while he never likes it, he allows Lucas to do things that require a little more effort for him.
Will spits into the sink and manages to get some water in the cup himself. Lucas squeezes his shoulders gently.
“You wanna wash your face? Or no?”
Will simply nods in response, clearly not wanting to do this part for himself. So Lucas cleans his face gently, spreading moisturizer on his face and kissing his nose when he’s finished.
“Okay, here we go. Up,” Lucas murmurs, allowing Will to grab onto his neck and wrap his legs around his waist again. He takes his boyfriend out of the bathroom slowly, humming quietly in Will’s ear.
Lucas turns to go into their bedroom, but Will whines and shakes his head quickly. “No?”
“Mm-mm. Need to finish my work. Can’t...can’t—”
Lucas shushes him gently, squeezing him a little and turning towards the kitchen. “Okay, baby, okay. I’m gonna help you though, okay?”
Will huffs out a laugh, one that Lucas returns. And with that, they’ve just discussed the cause of Will’s panic attack.
They sit down at the kitchen table together. Will picks up the pencil he dropped, and they get to work.
Lucas doesn’t know much about art history, he’ll admit that much. But, as an English major, he thinks he’s pretty good at writing papers.
So Will relays the information to him, allows him to look at his notes, and Lucas helps him get his thoughts down on paper. It’s a good system.
“I should’ve asked you before. I’m sorry,” Will mumbles while Lucas reads over some of his notes. When he looks up, Will is frowning and his eyes are shining slightly.
“Hey, no, don’t do that. It’s not your fault. And I don’t mind, do I?” Will shakes his head. “No, I don't. Now come on, let’s finish this paper. I’m sure we’re both very tired.”
Will smiles and sniffles a little, nodding slightly. And so they do.
Will seems happy with the work they did, so Lucas is happy with it, too.
They walk to their bedroom together, rather than Lucas carrying Will, fingers intertwined. Like they’re supposed to be.
When Lucas gets into bed, Will follows quickly, leaning up against his chest almost immediately. Lucas chuckles a little, hovering his hand above Will’s head.
“May I?” he asks slowly. Will blinks up at him, confused, before softening.
“You ask every time. The answer is still yes.”
Lucas smiles down at him, lowering his hand and running his fingers through Will’s soft soft hair. “You never know. Maybe one day you’ll decide you don’t like it anymore.”
Will shakes his head, leaning into Lucas’ touch and sighing. “Never.”
For a while, it’s silent. Lucas rubs at Will’s scalp and combs through his hair gently, occasionally twisting the strands around his finger. After a little more hair playing-with, he assumes his boyfriend has fallen asleep.
Lucas is proven wrong when he feels Will shift slightly. “Thank you,” he whispers. His tone sounds sad, like he’s guilty. Lucas knows he probably is.
“Don’t thank me, silly. You know I don’t mind.”
Will squirms and shakes his head. “I know. But...I’m sure you don’t enjoy it. It’s probably stressful for you, too.”
It’s Lucas’ turn to shake his head. He sits up slightly, bringing Will up with him. “Look at me,” Despite being done with his panic attack, Will doesn’t. Now it’s pure embarrassment. “Will, baby, look at me.”
When Will looks up at him, it’s with a frown. Lucas furrows his eyebrows slightly. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this, but if you need me to repeat it every time you have an attack, I will.
“I love you. And do you know what that means? It means I take care of you when you need it. So when you have an attack, I’ll help. Even if I forget what to do, which has happened before, i’ll do it. It’s not stressful or annoying, and while I don’t enjoy why I’m doing it, I certainly enjoy taking care of you and keeping you safe. Okay?”
Will doesn’t answer right away. He blinks slowly, frown slowly leaving his face. Finally, he nods, just a little, and leans up to kiss Lucas firmly. Lucas is more than happy to hold his face in his hands while he does it.
“I love you too. Thank you for being so good.” Will whispers when they separate, pulling himself and Lucas down so they’re laying down once again.
Lucas smiles. Will slides a little closer, laying a leg over Lucas’ and wrapping his arms around his neck. Lucas adjusts accordingly, making sure the smaller boy is comfortable.
“Goodnight, Lucas. Love you.”
Lucas squeezes Will a little tighter, presses his lips against Will’s cheek, and whispers, “Goodnight, Will.” against his skin.
His hands find Will’s, almost by nature. They’re no longer shaking. Lucas holds them anyways.