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Doyoung would die before he ever admits it, but watching Jaehyun while he sleeps next to him is one of his favorite things to do. There’s just something in the way Jaehyun’s sleeping face puts him at ease and makes him feel like he’s the luckiest person on earth for being able to wake up beside him. He especially likes knowing he’s the only one who can see Jaehyun vulnerable like this.
Normally the day starts off like this: Doyoung always wakes up earlier than Jaehyun. He loves admiring the slight pout on his partner’s lips, or the way he sometimes scrunches up his nose (and sometimes Jaehyun snores and instead of finding it annoying, Doyoung thinks it’s cute). It can last five minutes or it can last fifteen, but it always ends with Doyoung kissing him awake. First over both his eyelids, then on his nose, and finally on his lips. Before dating Jaehyun, Doyoung never thought he’d be the kind of boyfriend who’d do something so cheesy.
Jaehyun would wake up with a smile on his pretty face, often complaining that Doyoung was interrupting his beauty sleep but kissing him back nonetheless. When both of them are feeling particularly frisky, it’ll turn it into something more but usually, they’d just trade lazy kisses until the alarm rings.
This time though, after Doyoung has the best sleep he’s had in weeks, it feels odd looking at Jaehyun’s sleeping form. It hasn’t been that long since he stormed out of Jaehyun’s apartment after the argument where he told Jaehyun he wanted to break up, but he swears Jaehyun looks like he’s aged a year. He feels guilty. Everything was his fault and now he’s the one who’s crawling back.
When he said he wanted to break up, he really meant it at the time, he felt scared, and Jaehyun was really upset with him, and he felt like running away was a quicker solution than sticking it out and dealing with it. He knows he’s a coward, he’s always been, and he’s terrified that Jaehyun will realize he’s too tired to come running after him. So Doyoung beat him to it.
Now though, with Jaehyun so close he can feel the younger’s chest rising and falling curled up at his side, he doesn’t think he can (physically and mentally) live a life without him. But it’s not up to me now , he thinks.
After a few more moments, with Doyoung relishing the warmth of the other right next to him, Jaehyun stirs awake. He stretches his arms, almost hitting Doyoung in the face.
“”M sorry,” Jaehyun murmurs, voice still laced with sleep. His eyes widen a little when he realizes that he’s been sleeping on Doyoung’s arm. Somehow in the night, they’ve exchanged positions and Doyoung ended up hugging Jaehyun in his sleep.
“It’s okay,” Doyoung whispers as a reply.
They stay in silence for a while, Doyoung anxiously waiting for Jaehyun to kick him out. He’s not even looking at Doyoung, but he’s got that look of concentration he has when the gears are turning in his head.
“Guess we have a lot to talk about, huh?” Jaehyun asks him first.
“We don’t have to,” Doyoung says quickly, and then clears his throat. “I mean, we don’t have to if you don’t want to. I could just leave, I’m the one who barged in uninvited anyway.”
“Doyoung,” Jaehyun sighs, “ I’m the one who said we should talk about this.”
“Let’s talk about this,” Jaehyun pleads with him, but Doyoung is already standing up.
“I think I should go,” Doyoung says. “I’m sorry Jaehyun.”
“Okay.”
“I don’t want you running away on me again,” Jaehyun tells him. "Like all the other times." Doyoung flinches.
Doyoung storming out on Jaehyun two weeks ago wasn’t the first time he’s done it. Every time he and Jaehyun have an argument it’s always him leaving. He’ll stay at his own apartment, and because Jaehyun's too nice, he won’t go there even if he has his own key. If he doesn’t wanna be alone, he’ll stay over at Yuta’s or Taeyong’s. He usually comes back the day after, with tears in his eyes and an apology in his lips. Jaehyun, clearly the more reasonable one between them, always forgives him.
Doyoung already feels like he’s been taking advantage of Jaehyun’s kindness too much. That’s why he refused to come back this time. He was finally removing his disastrous self from Jaehyun. Look where that got him.
“I promise I won’t.”
“Thank you,” Jaehyun gets up from the bed. “Let’s have breakfast first then?”
Doyoung can only nod.
Doyoung doesn’t really wanna drag it on, but his mouth seems to have other ideas. He’d initiate some small talk ( Did you remember to water the plants while I was away? Have the neighbors returned the can opener?) and end up talking about the most pointless things. Doyoung doesn't even know if he's lightening up the mood or Jaehyun's gotten annoyed of him pretending like nothing's happened. He hasn't been able to read the other this whole time, his guard too high, putting on the face he uses for everyone else that wasn't Doyoung. ( Or maybe Doyoung's not trying hard enough because he's scared). He knows he’s dodging, but he’s terrified of confrontation when he’s the one in the wrong. When he runs out of things to say, he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom.
Looking at himself in the mirror isn’t really helping. He’s starting to get angry with himself. He takes deep breaths to calm himself down.
“Are you okay?” Jaehyun asks the moment he comes out of the bathroom, the concern obvious in his eyes. Of cours e, Jaehyun lets his guard down the moment he sees something troubling Doyoung. Even after being such a shitty boyfriend to him for so long, Jaehyun’s still like this. Doyoung internally asks himself why he’s the one who wanted to break up. Jaehyun should have dumped his ass long ago.
“Yeah,” Doyoung replies. “I’m ready.”
“Okay,” Jaehyun says, and then suddenly laughs, “I’ve been thinking about what I’d say to you when you came back since the moment you left. I thought for sure you’d come back the next morning like you always did. So I waited, but you never showed. I thought ‘Alright, he needs more time, he’s probably just stressed from work. He’ll call when he’s ready.’ So I waited some more, and then a week passed and you still hadn’t called and I tried contacting you but you wouldn’t pick up and I was so mad at you.” Jaehyun looks frustrated and it takes Doyoung everything in him to not just go up to him and hug him and tell him it’s gonna be fine. It won’t be fine until they’ve talked this all out.
“And then I start to think you’ve finally kept your word, and I almost threw out all your stuff, you know?” Jaehyun continues. “I couldn’t believe you just left without giving me any form of explanation, but every time I looked at something you owned I just couldn’t do it. Just when I really believed you were gone for good, what happens? You appear in front of my doorstep with some stupid excuse about why you were here. I took one look at you and I wasn't even angry anymore, and all I felt was relief that you were back. But you looked like it pained you to be here. Something's up, like you wouldn't be back if you didn't need something, so I'm trying to figure out what it is."
Doyoung takes all of it in. He feels so selfish for carrying on life like normal, while he left Jaehyun to wonder what he did wrong. "Would you believe me if I said I came back for you?"
"I don't know," Jaehyun honestly replies.
"It's all on me Jae, I hope you never once thought it was you that was the problem. That sounds so cliché but it's the truth. I was scared I wasn't ready."
"Move in with me hyung," Jaehyun whispers in the dead of night. They were supposed to be watching a movie but Doyoung got too scared and Jaehyun wouldn't stop laughing so the older got upset. It took Jaehyun over half an hour to make him stop sulking.
"What?" Doyoung asks, surprised. This was a bit sudden.
"I mean, you practically live here already and half your belongings are scattered everywhere. Plus it's bigger than yours and closer to your office. You don't need your apartment anymore."
"I'll think about it."
"You could've just told me you didn't want to move in," Jaehyun reasons.
"I know that Jaehyun, but it's not that simple," Doyoung defends.
"It would have been better than you not giving me an answer. I don't like that you just keep silent whenever you don't want to answer something. Relationships work two ways, hyung. I need to know what you think before I make decisions," Jaehyun says quickly. His eyes look glassy like when he's so angry he's about to cry.
"But you kept pressuring me for weeks!" Doyoung shouts, then gets a hold of himself. "I'm sorry." He takes a deep breath, "I love you Jaehyun, I'd move in with you in a heartbeat if I felt like I was ready for it."
"If you loved me enough, you wouldn't have made me wait that long just to tell me no. You say you hate conflict but you ignore small things until they get bigger and become elephants. I would have understood and stopped bugging you about it. Because that's what I do best right? Understand you when you leave and understand you when you stop communicating with me and understand you when you explain yourself and I forgive you because I love you."
"It's because that apartment means something more than just being an apartment," Doyoung finally explains. "It's a place I know I can go to when I don't have anyone else. A place that's going to be there when people leave me."
"Don't you have me?" Jaehyun sounds hurt. "Do you think I'll leave you?"
This time it's Doyoung who says, "I don't know."
"We've been together for four years, Doyoung," Jaehyun says, eyes hardened. "In that amount of time, you've left me more times than I've ever left you. You're so focused on thinking everyone is running away from you that you don't see that we're all standing and you're the only one moving."
"I'm sorry." He knows his apologies are meaningless. He's said them too many times.
He doesn't know how to fix things because he'd just let them stay broken. But Doyoung doesn't want Jaehyun broken. He wants him bright and burning, lighting up everything around him. Looking at him makes Doyoung feel alive. He hates that right now it's him who makes Jaehyun look unhappy.
"I don't need your sorry Doyoung. I want your assurance that the next time we get into a fight, you won't run away like you always do. That you'd stay and we'd resolve it together."
Doyoung thinks back to his last relationship before Jaehyun. How he was the one who kept begging for his ex. He should be the person who knows what Jaehyun feels right now the most.
He doesn’t know why it’s so difficult to answer. He’s tired of running too. Jaehyun watches him sadly. At some point in their conversation, they’ve moved towards each other from across the room and are now just a few feet away. From here, Doyoung can see every flicker of emotion running across his face.
“I will,” Doyoung confirms. “Being apart from you is like losing a limb Jaehyun. I can’t even function properly by myself. I realized that losing you would be the dumbest thing I could ever do, and I don’t want to be the reason for your unhappiness. You’ll have me for as long as you want me if you still want me after everything.”
“I’ll always want you Doyoung.”
“Good,” Doyoung says, then closes the rest of the distance between them. “Because you’re stuck with me forever now.” Doyoung kisses Jaehyun like he’s been wanting to do since last night. He hopes that it can relay all the words he couldn’t say to the other. Jeehyun doesn’t miss a step and returns his kiss.
They both know the conversation isn’t over. They still have a lot to talk about, but for now, the comfort that what they have isn’t over is enough to relieve the tense atmosphere.
“I missed you so much, you know,” Doyoung cries, hitting Jaehyun’s shoulder. “You’ve ruined me for everyone else. I couldn’t even sleep without you. I tried so hard but it’s like my body needed you.” He buries his head into Jaehyun’s chest, ears red, too embarrassed to look Jaehyun in the eye.
Jaehyun laughs at the admission, holding the sides of Doyoung's head and making the older look at him. His eyes are full of mischief and Doyoung just knows he’s already thinking of something else from those words. Jaehyun is grinning so wide that his dimples are showing. Doyoung wants to kiss them. Two weeks is a long time to not see his favorite things on the planet. “Your body knows what's good for you more than your pretty head does.”
“I’m here for you Doie, I’ll always be here no matter how many fights we have. I just need you to be here for me too. I love you then and now and I'll still feel the same in the future. We’ll be alright as long as we’re in this together, okay?”
Doyoung nods. “I’m going to be here and you can’t get rid of me anymore, you already missed your chance,” he jokes. Doyoung hugs Jaehyun. “Thank you for never giving up on me.”
Doyoung knows this is far from their last fight, but the next time, he’ll stay. He’s tired of running away when all he ever wants to do is run into Jaehyun’s arms.