Chapter Text
lee chan & the boys
20/02/25: 19:46
cheol~
group meeting in thirty, downstairs dorm. don’t be late!
boo
didn’t we just have a group meeting tho hyung?
like two days ago?
jihoonie
come on hyung, i’m finally working on some decent music again. can’t we do this later?
shua♥
obviously seungcheol has something important to say so let’s quit complaining and go!
cheol~
thank you joshua. someone gets it.
seok
i’ll be there hyung!
channie
me too hyung!
Jeonghan locks his phone with a soft laugh, shaking his head, and then he sits up in bed. Sore muscles protest loudly, and he groans at the stretch. They’ve been home from Manila for just over two weeks but with the rest of their tour dates cancelled for who knows how long, they started throwing themselves into comeback prep. September seems a long time ago and the fans are itching for something new. So is Jeonghan, if he’s being honest. Touring is exhausting fun - emphasis on the exhausting for this past leg - but something in him similarly loves getting ready for a comeback. Listening to the new music being produced, learning the new choreo, spending hours getting his hair dyed and treated, inadvertently staying up all night before the actual comeback because he’s just so excited.
He can’t wait. Even if his muscles hate it.
A knock on his door pulls him from his reverie and with a soft sigh, born more out of pain than annoyance, he slips from his bed. On the other side of the door stands a pensive, pallid face, shoulders drawn taut, sweater sleeves fisted in his hands. Seungcheol runs one said sweater paw through his freshly cut hair, biting his lip as their gazes meet. Butterflies flutter through Jeonghan’s stomach and he puts on a smile.
“Are we having the meeting up here now?” he asks.
Seungcheol shakes his head and then sighs. Again a sweater paw pushes through his hair and then it falls back to his side where it tugs at a loose thread in the thigh of his jeans. He’s fidgety. Anxious.
The desire to protect, to fix all of Seungcheol’s problems, to find the source of his anxiety and root it out so it never bothers him again flares up like it always does when Jeonghan sees these little signs. It hurts his heart and he gently ushers Seungcheol into his room, closing the door. “What’s wrong, Cheollie?”
He doesn’t answer for a few moments, just stares at the floor, breathing in and out slowly, deeply. The way Dr. Kim taught him. Glancing up his warm eyes scan the room slowly and Jeonghan wonders if he’s trying that grounding technique he told Jeonghan about. The fact that he would even have to use that right now worries Jeonghan but he stays quiet, giving Seungcheol the space he knows he need to open up by himself.
And when he does open up, his voice is small. “You’d support me no matter what, right Hannie?”
“Always.”
This single word seems to alleviate some of his anxiety and he meets Jeonghan’s gaze, shoulders relaxing enough that it stops looking painful. “There’s something I want to tell you,” he says. “I told Joshua already because I figured he’s probably one of the most open-minded of us all, being American and all that. Plus he’s also my friend and I don’t want to tell everyone all at once because that might kill me and I would really like having people there who already know so they can support me and - “
“Cheollie,” Jeonghan says quietly and he wants to touch him, try and ground him through that, but he knows he needs to ask first when Cheol’s this anxious. “Take a breath, okay? And start from the beginning.”
Seungcheol breathes in, holds it for a few seconds, and then releases it. He does this a few times, Jeonghan even doing a couple with him, and then a soft smile touches his lips. And even though it’s small somehow it manages to light up his whole face because Seungcheol’s face is just made for smiling. “Thank you.” But as quickly as it came the smile disappears. “You promise you won’t - you won’t judge me, right?”
“I’d never judge you, Cheollie.” His own worries are starting to spike because what the hell is going on? What’s got him so worked up?
He nods. “I know that, I swear I do, it’s just… sometimes my brain tries telling me differently. And I just need to hear you say it.”
“I know,” Jeonghan says softly, wishing he could take away whatever was troubling him. “I’ll say it as many times as you want, okay? Just ask and I’ll - “
“I’m bisexual.”
It comes out so quiet, so rushed that Jeonghan isn’t certain he heard him right at first. But there’s not much else that sounds like ‘bisexual’ so he must’ve said that, right? And then it dawns on Jeonghan: the anxious fidgets, the rambling, the reassurance, the grounding techniques.
He’s scared I’ll judge him.
“Seungcheol,” he whispers. “You’re bisexual?”
He nods quickly, eyes on the floor again, fingers pulling restlessly at that thread in his jeans. “Y-yeah, um… listen, Hannie, I get it if you - if that makes things weird for you, or - I mean, I - it’s - I…”
Memories touch his mind, of nineteen year old Seungkwan shaking as he came out to Jeonghan in the middle of the night in an American hotel room, like “gay” was a bad word. Of Jihoon offhandedly mentioning that he thought he was asexual during a songwriting session, to which Hansol had chimed in with a “hell yeah, hyung” and a “think I’m pansexual but I’m not sure, you know?”. Minghao and Junhui announcing a few months ago that they were engaging in some kind of casual, friends with benefits relationship because “we obviously don’t have time for boyfriends and girlfriends” but they were still lonely. Most of all Jeonghan remembers how Seungcheol had handled all of that: with the love and support and wisdom that comes with being a leader. How he hadn’t let a single one of his members down. And Jeonghan knows he needs that now, for himself.
“Can I hug you?” he blurts, everything in him itching to touch, to comfort. To reassure the way he knows Seungcheol needs.
Seungcheol’s head snaps up and there are tears in his eyes, tears that sting at Jeonghan’s heart because there’s no need for them. But he knows how anxiety works, knows how it can chip away at one’s heart and soul and mind until they’re paranoid about everything. Including the ones they love. “You - wh - you’re not - you’re not disgusted?” he whispers.
“I’m proud of you,” Jeonghan says, and it’s true. “I could never be disgusted with you, Cheollie. Not even if you sprouted another hand and six more eyes. I’d still love you as much as I do right now, as much as I did yesterday. As much as I will tomorrow.”
His tears spill over in a choked sob and then he’s crushing Jeonghan in a tight hug, leaning down to bury his face in his neck. Jeonghan just holds him close, as close as he possibly can, running his fingers through Cheol’s thick, raven hair, letting him cry as much as he needs. God, he can’t imagine what it would be like to hold something like that in, knowing the worst of Seungcheol’s anxiety would have latched onto it and morphed it into a point of fear. Jeonghan doesn’t know much about sexuality, never really gave it a lot of thought but he does know it shouldn’t be something to be scared of. And Seungcheol needs to know that. Jeonghan hopes he does.
After a few minutes Seungcheol pulls back, sobs having subsided into hitching breaths, and wipes at his eyes. Jeonghan brushes his hair from his eyes and offers a smile he hopes is as supportive as he means. “Do you want to talk about it? Being bisexual, I mean?”
“I will when we’re with the others,” he says. “I just wanted to tell you and Shua first just in case…”
Just n case no one else supports him.
It’s an irrational fear (which is of course the basis of anxiety) and not for the first time Jeonghan hates the anxiety that’s invaded his mind, that would make him think any of his members would do anything less than support him and love him. So he wipes at a couple stray tears and kisses Seungcheol’s forehead. “I’ll always be there for you, Cheollie. No matter what.”
“Thank you, Hannie,” he whispers in a tear-thick voice, gummy smile on his lips.
Twenty minutes later, Seungcheol isn’t as nervous as Jeonghan thought he would be. It probably helps that he and Joshua have taken up residence next to him on the couch, on either side of him, and haven’t let up on the hand-holding and hushed, comforting words. At least Jeonghan hopes they’re helping. And as the other members finally settle in around the downstairs living room, Jeonghan squeezes Seungcheol’s hand.
“I love you,” he murmurs.
“You got this!” Joshua whispers.
Seungcheol gives them both a faltering smile before turning his attention to the other ten members, each of them strewn around the room in varying degrees of nonchalance.
Minghao takes one look at the three of them and sighs heavily. “All right, who died?”
“That’s dark,” Mingyu scoffs around a green straw, courtesy of a Starbucks run. “Why did someone have to die?”
“Look at them,” Minghao retorts, extending a hand in their direction, and Seungcheol tenses just a bit. “Obviously something bad happened. I’m assuming the worst, just in case.”
“No one died,” Jeonghan says. “But this is important.”
Seungcheol nods on an exhale and the room settles into quiet. It’s almost unnerving and definitely unusual when all thirteen of them manage to be calm at the same time, but as rowdy as his dongsaengs tend to be Jeonghan knows that they know when to take situations seriously. They know how to read their hyungs. And he’s grateful for that, in this moment. They sit silently, giving Seungcheol all the time he needs. And after a few seconds he sighs.
“I’ve done a lot of thinking since I went on hiatus,” he says quietly. “A lot of soul-searching, a lot of therapy. Trying to figure out how I can continue to be an idol when sometimes the thought of performing makes me want to vomit. Trying to figure out how I can keep leading you guys when somedays I can’t even get out of bed.”
“You’ve been working hard the last few weeks,” Soonyoung says with a leg curled underneath him, smiling gently, “and I’m proud of you, hyung.”
The others chime in with soft agreements and Jeonghan squeezes his hand to offer his silent support, heart warming at how much they all adore him. And he hopes Seungcheol can feel that love.
He offers a gentle smile of his own. “Thank you. I’m - I’m proud of myself too, actually. But um - well, what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been needing to figure out what it is that’s been making me so anxious, so that way I can try and fix it, right? And I know part of it is the fact that I - I kind of take everything on my shoulders and I don’t talk about it and I don’t let anyone help. Because I feel like it should all be my responsibility as leader. And I’m working on that, which has been helping. But I realized that that’s not all of it, that there’s something else that’s been building up. Something I’ve known about for awhile now but have been so scared of. Dr. Kim and I realized it together and I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you guys.”
“You’d support me no matter what, right Hannie?”
Jeonghan squeezes his hand.
Seungcheol takes a breath and squeezes his hand back. “I can’t keep it in anymore, at least not with you guys. Soon I’ll tell the staffs and then the company and-and then the fans but for now, I just want you all to know.” After another breath and glances at both Jeonghan and Joshua he says, with slightly more confidence than he’d had with Jeonghan, “I’m bisexual.”
The chaos that ensues is quickly shut down with looks from Joshua and Jeonghan but the array of hugs don’t subside and Jeonghan watches as more tears leak from Seungcheol’s eyes with so many pairs of arms wrapped around him. He’s surrounded by the people that love him most in the world and he clings to them as best he can. And those people praise him and thank him for being open, for accepting himself, for trusting them, and Jeonghan thinks, take that , anxiety!
“Hell yeah hyung,” Hansol says, like he had with Jihoon, and it brings a grin to everyone’s lips. “We’re gonna be the gayest idol group there ever was.”
Seungcheol laughs softly. “I didn’t know that was a goal of ours.”
“We need something else to set us apart,” Junhui says with a smirk.
“At least it’s an honorable goal,” Wonwoo grins.
After awhile everything settles down a bit and the members start asking Seungcheol how he knew, a question that’s been tugging at Jeonghan’s mind too. He remembers their conversation a few weeks ago, when they’d snuggled close in his bed after returning from the States. How Seungcheol made him feel. The words he’d whispered. How badly Jeonghan had missed him. And he wondered just how one knew they were bisexual. Was it a big revelation? Or was it something softer, less intense?
It’s probably different for everyone. And you don’t even really know if you are bisexual. You’re probably just thinking you are because Cheol is. That’s all.
He looks at Seungcheol, the way he’s still clinging to his own hand, and bites back a sigh. Their eyes meet and Cheol smiles. “It wasn’t anything big,” he says in response to the members, squeezing Jeonghan’s hand, eyes never leaving his. “I just… I just woke up one morning and I knew. If that makes sense.”
“How long have you known, hyung?” Chan asks, and then Seungcheol’s attention is diverted once again.
But Jeonghan looks at him as he talks with the members, noting the warmth in his own body. The pride in his own heart. Warmth and pride and love for Seungcheol, for conquering this fear of his, for allowing himself to be open. Yet he can’t stop the nagging that tugs at the back of his mind. The nagging that makes him want to reexamine the way Seungcheol is holding his hand right now. The nagging that makes him wonder why he can't stand being apart from Seungcheol. Why he doesn't feel this way for any of his other members.
Why he wants nothing more right now than to kiss him.