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Dazai was surprised that they were having a little Fall festival, just for the Agency. He hadn’t really wanted to go, but Atsushi had absolutely insisted. He also may have bribed Dazai with sweets and Kunikida’s presence at the festival. He couldn’t resist that .
So here he was, standing with Kunikida as he nibbled on his corn-on-the-cob. Kunikida had also expressed his displeasure earlier, saying that these activities were childish and a general waste of what could’ve been productive work time. Yet, here the blond stood, picking at his small bundle of cotton candy.
Dazai was content just watching the children play; Atsushi and Kyouka were eating anything they could get their hands on, the Tanizaki siblings were playing games, and Kenji had already broken the strength test game.
Atsushi came up to them, licking his lips of crumbs. “Dazai-san, Kunikida-san, why don’t you come play something? Kyouka and I were going to try to bob for apples!” Kyouka looked excited, though she simply nodded.
Dazai was about to protest, feeling Atsushi tug gently on his arm, but Kunikida scoffed beside him. “Bobbing for apples? More like drowning.”
“Drowning you say? Let’s go, Atsushi-kun!” Dazai grinned, allowing himself to be dragged across the small fairgrounds by the only-mildly-concerned teen. There was a sputtering sound from Kunikida behind them, and then a moment later, he and Kyouka caught up.
“Dazai, you cannot be serious right now! Keep your suicide attempts private, please. Do you really think the kids need to see that right now,” Kunikida lectured him, but Dazai just turned and beamed at him. “No, don’t you even start with me. I don’t want to hear it.”
Dazai pouted. “Maybe an apple a day will keep Kunikida-kun away too. Are you my doctor now?” At this point, Atsushi had let go of his sleeve, and he heard him and Kyouka awkwardly shuffle off. He couldn’t blame them -- even he didn’t want to be a part of these arguments with Kunikida.
“We obviously need to have a talk about this again, Dazai…” Kunikida sighed. “This isn’t healthy for you, you know.”
“I know that. Do you really care though?” Oops . He shouldn’t have said that. The look of rage on Kunikida’s face said it all. Dazai was ready for him to start yelling at him as the blond’s mouth opened, but there was a pause, and then Kunikida turned away.
“....Like I said. We’ll talk about this later , Dazai. And I’m not taking no for an answer.” Kunikida stalked off, likely to a place of solitude. He never liked being with people when he was really angry.
Dazai stared at his retreating back until he couldn’t see him before sighing, his whole frame slumping. He was really in trouble now. Not only would he be getting a lecture again, but Kunikida would probably take him to Yosano too. He really didn’t want that. It was one thing to see someone he didn’t have to see on a daily basis.
The small bustle of their little fair didn’t quiet down, but he could tell the ones close enough to hear their spat were trying to leave them alone. Dazai didn’t really want the attention, so he shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled off in the opposite direction that Kunikida left in. Coming upon a bench, he flopped down and leaned back against the sturdy wood as he stared up at the sky.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, or when he had closed his eyes, but what felt like only moments later he found Atsushi’s worried expression blocking his view of the clouds. Blinking slowly, he forced himself to slide up into a proper sitting position. His neck popped in several places as he stretched it out and he winced.
“What are you doing here, Atsushi-kun? Aren’t you supposed to be having fun with Kyouka-chan and the others?” Dazai kept his tone light, not wanting Atsushi to worry more, but it seemed to have the opposite effect.
“We’re all done, Dazai-san. Everyone’s getting cold now, so we thought it would be best to head to the office and spend more time together there. We didn’t see you for a while, but I guess that’s because you fell asleep.” Atsushi chewed on his bottom lip, a sign that he was thinking too hard about something. Dazai figured he was probably trying to think of a way to ask him if he was going to come along or not.
“Ah, I see~ That sounds like a wonderful idea, Atsushi-kun. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to play with you. I guess I was pretty tired.” He was always tired. It’s just how he lived.
Before Atsushi could ask any questions about him and Kunikida, he stood, stretching himself out. “Let’s go to the office with everyone, Atsushi-kun! I’m sure there will be plenty of yummy snacks and fun times to be had with everyone there.” He wrapped an arm around the teen’s shoulders and leaned into him slightly, causing Atsushi to stumble slightly.
“Ah, okay… They’re all waiting for us, so let’s go.” Atsushi lead the way back to the group, and Dazai looked them over to make sure they weren’t missing anyone. Yosano waved when she spotted the two of them, and Tanizaki called out to them. Dazai saw the way Kunikida looked up for a moment, their eyes meeting until green eyes shifted. The blond was obviously still quite upset.
Not that Dazai could blame him.
They all headed back to the Agency’s office, chatting amongst themselves until they all were able to file into the already warm entrance. Atsushi and Kyouka went off with Tanizaki to make some tea and hot chocolate, skipping the snacks for now since everyone had just eaten. Meanwhile, Dazai slipped onto the couch, purposely facing the window instead of everyone else. He’d probably just play some games on his phone or something.
It sounded like everyone had settled barely ten minutes later, and they were all having fun. Snacks were being passed around, from what Dazai could hear, and Tanizaki had pulled out a board game from somewhere. Poor kid was already losing.
The only person that Dazai couldn't hear was Kunikida. Even Fukuzawa was interacting with everyone -- they had dragged him into the game despite his protests. Dazai heard footsteps, and he wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or not. He looked up from his phone, tilting his head back to see Kunikida standing by the arm of the couch. "Ah, Kunikida-kun~ Aren't you going to go play with the kids? Even the President is playing."
"I don't have much interest in games, Dazai. You know this." Kunikida's voice was quiet, but sharp. "Besides… aren't you the one who should be playing with them?"
Dazai shrugged. "I'm not really in the mood.” He shivered despite the growing heat in the room. “I already had my nap earlier, I suppose, so you won’t have to worry about me sleeping all over the couch.” Though he was sprawling out across it anyway. Dazai slumped further on the couch as he went back to his phone.
He thought Kunikida would leave now, but that didn’t seem to be the case when Dazai was leaned forward briefly. “Move over, dumbass,” Kunikida grumbled behind him. Dazai let out an indignant sound and looked back to find the blond sitting behind him.
“You could’ve asked!” Dazai whined petulantly. “Maybe I don’t want you to sit with me.”
Kunikida rolled his eyes at him, putting a hand on his forehead and pulling him back. With a huff, Dazai went with the motion, flopping down so he was laying over Kunikida’s lap with his head on the arm of the couch. That didn’t feel very comfortable though, so he wriggled down so just his head was resting on the other’s thighs.
“Good?” Kunikida asked, his voice a bit softer now.
Dazai hummed in response, but then realized that he should probably give an actual answer. “Yeah, this is good,” he murmured. And it was, in fact, very good. They hadn’t spent time together like this in a while, especially with Kunikida’s workaholic tendencies. He was always up earlier than Dazai and home later than him.
Dazai felt bad and had once tried to make Kunikida dinner. It didn’t go so well, and he had been banned from cooking in the kitchen ever since. Instead, Dazai tasked himself with attempting to clean once in a while.
Things were still awkward between them right now, even if they were enjoying each other’s company like this, but it was still nice. They were going to have to talk tonight, unless Dazai found a way to get out of it, but he knew that wasn’t likely. It was very difficult to get out of having a serious conversation with Kunikida, no matter who you are.
For now, however, Dazai was content to have Kunikida’s fingers carding through his hair as he read, never pulling his hand back to flip the pages. Dazai stayed on his phone the whole time until it was nearly dead and he was barely awake. Only then did Kunikida pull his hand away and tell him that they needed to get ready to go home. Everyone else seemed to be slowly filtering out as well, so the party was probably about over by now.
The ride back to Kunikida’s place was quiet, but it didn’t last very long at all. Dazai was itching to get out, suddenly feeling wide awake after being made to walk down to the car, and he popped the door open only seconds after Kunikida had turned off the engine. “Dazai, patience,” Kunikida chided. “You can start your pacing after we’ve gone inside.”
Dazai let out a grumble of annoyance, followed by a whine, but he trudged after Kunikida anyway as they made their way up to the apartment. Keys jingled, the lock was turned, and Dazai was quickly disappointed by how cold the place was.
“I don’t know what you expected, Dazai, it’s always like this whenever we come in. I’m not going to leave the heat on all day while I’m gone.” Kunikida slipped off his shoes before heading into the living room to flip on the lights and start the heat.
“Don’t forget to turn on the kotatsu,” Dazai called after him, taking his time to slip off his shoes and hang his jacket on the coat hangers that rested on the wall. There was a sound of acknowledgement from deeper in the apartment, and he smiled slightly. Finally, he moved to the living room, and he was pleased to see that there were some blankets and pillows poking out from under the kotatsu. Kunikida had probably put them there to warm up, since Dazai had made it quite clear in the past that he preferred to be warm rather than cold.
He hesitated to get under the kotatsu immediately though. Dazai knew what was coming. At least, he thought he did, but he was thrown off by what Kunikida said next. “Why don’t you go take a shower and take some time to relax, Dazai? You’re obviously tired, and I know you won’t want to shower right before bed.” It was late in the afternoon, late enough that it was already getting dark, and Dazai did indeed feel exhausted.
“...I suppose you’re right. Are you sure you don’t want to go first, though?” Usually Kunikida showered first, if they didn’t take one together, so it was strange for him to suggest that Dazai go first.
“I know you’ll leave enough hot water for me, and you’re not going to try anything stupid if I’m waiting on you.” Ah. He knew Kunikida too well. He did care, after all, he was just always rough around the edges.
“Mm. Okay, I’ll go first, then.” Dazai yawned softly as he passed Kunikida and headed into the bedroom to collect some clothes before making his way into the bathroom. Kunikida was right, he wouldn’t mess around tonight. He was too tired to anyway. A quick, in-and-out shower, that’s all it was going to be tonight.
Well, as quick as he could be with washing his hair, anyway.
Dazai took maybe ten minutes, tops, in the shower. Replacing his bandages once he was dry, that’s what took him some time. He didn’t feel rushed though, and he could just faintly hear Kunikida moving around in the living room. Curious, he finished up getting dressed before shuffling out into the living room again.
His partner was putting away dishes in the kitchen. To Dazai’s surprise, there was a glass of whiskey on the kotatsu, sitting on a thin coaster. Kunikida must be expecting him to finish the glass before it could condensate much. He probably would, honestly.
“Bathroom’s yours,” Dazai said, just loud enough for Kunikida to hear him over the sound of the dishes. He settled himself down at the kotatsu, settling his legs underneath to stay warm as he picked up his glass and drank. Dazai knew Kunikida had heard him, but there was no way he was going to stop putting away the dishes in the middle of it unless he took the dishes from him himself. Kunikida finished up a few moments later and then disappeared into the bedroom.
This left Dazai by himself again, occasionally sipping from his glass as he let himself get lost in his own thoughts.
He understood why Kunikida had gotten angry earlier. Dazai knew that he cared. What he couldn’t quite understand was why . Yes, they cared for each other romantically. Yes, he would be devastated if he found out that Kunikida had died -- worse, if he died in his arms. He’s lost enough people for one lifetime. They both had.
Oh.
But why would someone care about someone who wants to die? Someone who’s been wanting to die since they were young? If Dazai hadn’t existed, Kunikida could’ve met some nice young lady who fit his ideals. Dazai wasn’t even sure why Kunikida was with him in the first place. He didn’t fit his ideals, he was far from them if he was being honest. He’d read all 58 of them over the many times he’d stolen Kunikida’s notebook as a prank.
Dazai was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of firm footsteps coming from the bedroom and down the hall. Before Kunikida could even say anything, Dazai let the words spill from his lips.
“I’m sorry.”
The wide-eyed look of surprise on Kunikida’s face would’ve been comedic if Dazai hadn’t been so serious. He was sincere. Dazai knew how much a true apology meant to his partner, and he knew that he’d hurt him with what he’d said.
Kunikida slowly came over to the futon and sat across from him, watching him quietly as he waited for him to continue speaking. Dazai hesitated for just a moment before continuing, taking a sip of his drink. He needed a moment to gather his words.
“I’m sorry that I said what I did,” he started slowly. “What I said was wrong, and mean. I know that you care, Kunikida. Even if you’re rough about it sometimes, I know very well how much you care about me.” Dazai took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “However, you do know how I am. How I deal with things. While it may not be the healthiest or most comforting way of coping, it’s my way of coping. I can’t be like Ranpo all the time and pretend like the darkness doesn’t exist. I’ve seen too much.”
To think, too, that Kunikida had only just figured out in the past year that he was a former Port Mafia executive, too. He’d only recently begun to understand part of why Dazai was who he was, and how he had knowledge the others wouldn’t have in the Agency. Dazai was and always would be Mafia Black, no matter how long he walked in the light. No matter how good he was. But he could try, and he thought that’s what mattered.
That’s what would’ve mattered to Oda.
“That’s not going to change about me, Kunikida. How I cope, how I act, and the masks I put in place will never go away. But you’re one of the very few people who get the chance to understand. To see past all of that. And… I hope that means something.”
Kunikida was quiet, and Dazai figured he was processing what he’d been told. He took another drink, blinking as he realized that he’d drank the last drop. Frowning slightly in disappointment, he set his glass down with a sigh. Finally, his partner spoke.
“I accept your apology, Dazai,” he murmured, his voice low. Dazai couldn’t help but shiver, but now was not the time to get distracted.
“It does mean a lot, being someone who gets to see you for you, facades and all. I just can’t help but worry about you when you say things like that. I don’t want to lose you, Dazai. I never want to lose another life, but especially not yours. Thinking about how you’d rather take your life, preferably before someone else could… that hurts. I just hope that someday, I can make your life a bit better, so that you don’t have those thoughts so often.”
There was a soft but sad smile on Kunikida’s lips, and Dazai felt his heart clench.
“I know I can’t change you, and I can’t take those thoughts away, but to simply lessen them would be enough for me. We’re partners, and lovers, and no matter how much you may annoy me a good portion of the time we’re together, I do care for you, and I want your life to improve with me in it.”
Dazai felt a smile tug at his own lips, and he slid his glass and coaster towards the middle of the table. “That’s the problem with being the strong one. No one offers you a hand. Not until it’s too late. But… sometimes we just don’t see the hand being held out to us. So… please continue to bear with me, Kunikida. I may need a reminder every now and again.”
Kunikida took the glass and coaster with a scoff, standing. “That’s easy, stupid Dazai. It’s not the first thing I’ll have to remind you about, and it certainly won’t be the last.”
Dazai watched as his partner went into the kitchen to deposit the glass in the sink, his eyes just slightly widened at Kunikida’s response. Then he burst out into laughter, shaking his head. “Oh Kunikida, that’s such a “you” response. Never change, partner.” He flopped back down onto his pillows and blankets, humming softly as he got himself comfortable under the kotatsu.
“I don’t plan to, don’t worry.” Dazai could hear Kunikida speak as he headed back into the living room, and then he was getting in under the kotatsu beside him. Dazai grinned, kissing Kunikida before cuddling up to him, resting his head down on his chest where he could hear his heart. “Go to sleep, Dazai,” he heard just over his head, “I’ll wake you when I’m going to make dinner.”
“Mmn, okay. Goodnight then, Kunikida.”