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"Alright Felix, get your head in the game."
Felix moves to rewind the music for what seems like the hundredth time, sighing. One more run-through should do.
He dances, sweat drenching his hair as he scrutinizes his movements in the mirror. The door opens a minute into his practice, distracting him for a split second. He stumbles, sheepishly smiling at the familiar member who walks in.
"Hi Hannie."
Jisung chuckles. "You've been at that dance since I came for Jeongin's bag earlier, and that was two hours ago. Seriously, you got it down before most of us." He crosses his arms.
"I just want to perfect it," Felix pants as Jisung walks over, "You're welcome to join me."
They start moving in sync, the harsh pitter-patter of rain on the window increasing with each passing minute. The first rumble of thunder drowns out the music, and that's when they decide to take a break.
"So." Felix takes a sip of water. "Why did you come down here? I thought you were going home after lunch."
There's a loud crackle, starling them both. Jisung laughs, his voice tinged with nervousness. He inches towards Felix, trying to grab his hand subtly when the lights flicker.
"You think we should head back to-"
A flash of light comes from outside, accompanied by a deafening crash that cuts Felix off before he can finish. The lights suddenly go out, leaving the two of them in near pitch-black darkness. The two boys tighten their grasps on each others' hands.
"Too late." Jisung can hear the wind howl as rain pours, and yet it's still oddly quiet. He can feel goosebumps creeping up his arms. Another bout of thunder sends a shiver down his spine and he sits down.
Felix mirrors him.
Jisung takes a good look at him. His eyes are closed, a few strained lines crossing his forehead. Underneath the makeup Jisung can tell he's worn out, outlining the shape of his face with his eyes as they adjust to the dim light. He's lost weight, he thinks, though he knows Felix has been eating well. It might just be stress, the fact that he's growing up, or a combination of the two. He decides to treat him to a late night snack later. They haven't eaten together in a while, what with Jisung refusing to leave his room for most of the time and Felix spending long hours at the company. It couldn't be helped.
He can't tell if it's the darkness or the dancing that makes them breathe harder than normal.
"You alright, Lix?" He asks, pushing away his fear of loud sounds and darkness and loneliness for a second.
"Not gonna lie, I'm freaked out."
"I could use my phone."
Felix snorts. "Save your battery."
They share a look, knowing neither of them would leave the studio until the lights turned back on.
A few moments pass in silence before he speaks again. "You never answered my question. Why you came down here." He heard a sigh.
"I wanted some company, I- I didn't want to go back to the dorms alone. Then I'd be stuck in my bed dozing off and watching random things. I wanted to be a little helpful, so I thought hey, why don't I keep Felix company? Win-win situation, right? I bet he's still working on that one dance move he thinks he needs improvement on." He nudges the younger, teasing him lightly. There's no response. "Felix?"
"I just don't want to fall behind." He whispers.
Jisung senses an underlying tension. "Felix," he begins, but the boy presses against his chest before he can go on. He wraps his arms around the dancer's torso, running a hand along his back. "Hey, talk to me."
"No matter how hard I try, I always feel like I'm getting nowhere, that I'm making no progress. I want to work harder, be better."
Jisung bites his lip, thinking. He's not Hyunjin, who would be able to comfort Felix with quotes from books and movies about moving forward in life. He isn't remotely similar to Chan, who could tell Felix exactly how far he's come since he left Australia from the perspective of a leader, with talks of overcoming boundaries and exceeding expectations with little training time. And Jisung certainly isn't Minho, who'd probably spout a wise arbitrary saying he made up in the last two seconds before listing every small accomplishment Felix has achieved in the past week alone.
And the reason why Jisung can't be like any of them is simple.
"Ji?"
Jisung knows that tone. Felix uses it when worrying about someone else, implying that he's there to listen.
"Felix?" He copies him, cracking a smile. "I'm probably the worst person for this kind of thing right now."
"You don't have to say anything back, getting it off my chest is enough." He pulls away, glancing at Jisung's face. "Now, what's up with you?"
"What do you mean?" Jisung lays the dumb innocence on thick. "You live with me, you know what I'm up to." He tenses up. The storm is stronger now, rain violently pelting on the walls of the building, windows shaking in the wind. He lets out a small whine.
"I know you want company because you can't stand to be alone if you're not in the dorm, Jisung. I wonder sometimes if you're burying down how hard it really is on you." Felix words his sentences carefully. "I doubt it's easy."
"You know something Felix?" Jisung can see him tilt his head. "You might feel like you're making no progress. You only see yourself making very, very tiny improvements at each stage you reach, and then that becomes your normal and the next goal becomes your ideal. You're constantly walking higher without looking back on the number of steps you've already climbed up."
Felix assumes Jisung is avoiding the topic again until he continues.
"The great thing about you, Felix, our sunshine, is that you're always moving up. Meanwhile, every time I think I've taken a step up my staircase I feel like I've gone two steps down, and every move I make only brings me lower and lower until I'm stuck on the ground gazing at the top where everyone else is, everyone else starts there. At the top, above all the nerves and voices and worries and gnawing-" He shouts as Felix yelps, more thunder and lightning spooking them.
"Gnawing anxiety," he breathes. He makes out the edges of Felix's hand as he presses two fingers to his neck, eyes wide.
They never liked storms.
"It's freezing in here, and it's dark as hell." Jisung knows it's too dim to see his expression properly, but he presses his head into the crook of Felix's neck all the same.
Felix knows he's not just talking about the dance studio they're in.
"And it's scary." He cards his fingers through Jisung's hair. It's growing out, partly because Jisung likes it that way, partly because of the cold weather.
"Scary as fuck," Felix hears him whimper. "It's terrifying, not knowing how to get to the top where everyone expects you to be."
He goes quiet for a minute, fighting the urge to cry. The boys hug each other closer with the next round of booming noises.
"Sungie?"
"Yes?" Jisung's voice cracks and he curses on the inside, a tear rolling off his eyelashes.
"I hope you don't ever feel like we're forcing you to climb up. We can always come down."
Jisung starts crying. "You sap, the seven of you are down on the ground, always supporting me. I want to climb up for myself and the rest of the goddamned world that thinks I'm weak, a walking contradiction."
He's rambling. Felix attributes that to the assortment of emotions he's feeling - nervousness, fear, vulnerability, weakness.
A bit of inferiority too, which Felix could relate to a little too well.
"You're not a walking contradiction. You're a strong idol who faces his fears every day. That makes you better than a lot of people on a daily basis."
Then Jisung's sobbing, which causes Felix to tear up.
"Don't let go." Felix's heart breaks at his plea. He sounds so lost, so fragile, despite the softening rain signalling the storm's passing and the flicker of the lights as the power returns.
"I'm not letting go, Sung. I'm staying right here."