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Life has been great since playing in Madison Square Garden. The band is really taking off and things just couldn’t be better I’m happier than I’ve been in years and I’m surrounded by the best friends I could ever ask for. I’m even trying to work through things with my dad.
My dad is in prison. He has been for a long time. When my mom died he kind of went off the deep end, and until recently I had been to ashamed to say anything about it. It never came up in conversation and its not something I like talking about a whole lot. My band friends are the only ones who know beside Gram. They were really sweet when I told them. I’m still learning how to trust again, and I’m so thankful for their help.
We all have our own problems and can lean on each other to support us in them. I’ve never had this before and I’m so thankful that I do know. I’ve even made steps towards a relationship with Wen. I am really excited about where that is going.
It’s because of my friends and the confidence that they’ve given me that I was able to reach out to my dad again. It had been so long that I think talking to him will be good for me. Maybe I will be able to work through some of my past.
The thing about working through things though, is that it tends to drag other things to the front of your mind even if you didn’t want them.
The band has really been thriving recently. We’ve just recorded and released our first album and are about to go on tour around the country. It’s unreal! However, as excited as I am for this tour I’m a little nervous about being on the road. I’ve been hiding something from the rest of the band and I know that the chances of them finding out are pretty high if we are going to be sharing such small living quarters.
I have been having bad night terrors recently. It’s not anything too major, but I don’t want them to worry about me. I used to get them all the time when I was younger, but they stopped for a long time. Unfortunately they have returned. My therapist thinks that in reconnecting with my dad I have triggered this response. She says it’s a form of my PTSD.
The thing is, although I am trying to reconnect with my dad, that doesn’t mean that I’m not still traumatized by what happened. My dad has made some pretty big mistakes, and one of these mistakes was turning to drugs and violence in the wake of my mom’s passing. My dad is in prison for one count of drug possession and one count of child abuse.
I haven’t told anyone the charges because I don’t want the judgement I know will come. I know he hurt me, and a normal relationship is just not a reality for us, but I think it’s what is best for me. It’s been hard I won’t lie, but I want to try to forgive him; for my own sake. I don’t expect others to understand, even my bandmates- my best friends- but holding on to my resentment of him is a black stain on my soul. It’s a hard thing to explain I guess.
It was because I had such a hard time explaining it to anyone that I had resigned myself to taking this secret to the grave with me. I should have known better though; there is just something so special about this group of people that I have surrounded myself with.
It was a normal day of the tour when I got some news. We were having rehearsal like we did everyday when I got a call from my Gram. I love my Gram, but I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal to let the call go to voicemail and check it after practice. By the third call I was more worried.
“Sorry guys! It's Gram. I'll try to be quick.”
I slip into the hallway of the space we had rented to practice for the day. I didn’t even need to dial Gram’s number before she was calling again. I answered the call and spoke before she could get a word in.
“Gram, hey what’s going on? Is everything alright?” I was worried and her pause on the other end of the line was not helping.
“Oh sweetheart. I’m sorry!” She sounded distraught.
“Gram what’s wrong? Please you’re worrying me…”
“I wanted you to find out from me first. I’m sorry, but your dad is getting released from prison.”
“Oh... Okay.”
I understood her distress, heck I was a bit distressed myself. Rekindling our relationship through distance was one thing, but no the possibility of having to face him, well I’m not quite sure how I should feel. The sudden rush of emotions I felt but couldn’t name was almost overwhelming. I sat down in one of the chairs in the hallway and just tried to breath like my therapist taught me too. The last thing I wanted was to have a full blown panic attack in front of everyone.
Gram was still explaining in my ear about the good behavior. She made promises that he wouldn’t be living with us, and that I wouldn’t have to see him if I didn’t want to. I was still just processing everything.
“Hey Gram? Thank you for calling. I think I need some time to process everything okay? But don’t worry yeah? I’ll call you tonight okay. Bye I love you.” I ended the phone call after we both said our ‘I love yous’ to one another.
After that I just put my head in my hands and tried to will myself calm.
It’s not that big a deal.
I knew he was getting out one day, it wasn’t a life sentence.
I was the one who wanted to rekindle our relationship; extend my forgiveness. Why does this feel like something has somehow changed?
I sat there for longer than I should have, but with everything in my mind I just forgot what I was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t until Wen stuck his head out the door that I remembered where I was.
“Hey Olivia, you planning on coming back to practice?” He jokes, but I can tell he’s concerned.
“Oh, yeah. I am.” Just keep it together Olivia. You can do this.
I take a breath and let it out before I stand and follow him back to our practice.
We practice for another hour, but I think the others could tell I wasn’t really there. Finally after I had stumbled through the lyrics enough times Stella decided to have mercy and let us go for the day. In the back of my mind I did feel slightly bad for ruining the day’s practice. I couldn’t voice it though. I recognized the miracle it was that I made it as long as I did. The moment we were done I excused myself to the bathroom.
“Come on Olivia. Pull it together.” Ah the bathroom mirror pep talks I had with myself. I splashed some water on my face hoping to rid myself of the obvious tear tracks on my cheeks. This was no big deal and I wasn’t about to act like it was.
It was a good thing I had finished freshening up when I did, because it was just then when Mo walked through the bathroom door.
“Hey there Olivia, are you alright? We kinda noticed you seemed off at practice…” Drat, I knew I was being obvious, but everyone noticed?
“Everything is fine! Thank you for the concern.” I tried to be peppy, but I think it came off as a little unhinged. I’m a singer not an actress.
“If you say so… look you know we are here for you, through everything… If you ever want to talk, any or all of us will listen. We love you.” Just that confession of love almost started me crying again.
“Thank you.” I managed to croak my words out around the lump in my throat before I hurried out of the bathroom.
The rest of the day was stressful. I mostly just sat and thought about all the things I didn’t want to. All the memories I had tried so hard to forget were wrenched to the forefront of my mind. On top of that everyone kept giving me looks of concern all day.
I started to feel bad about keeping things from them when it was so clear everyone just wanted to help, but how could I put something like this on them.
‘Hey guys don’t worry but I just found out the man who hurt me in unspeakable ways for a significant amount of time is getting released from prison and I am trying to sort out my feelings on the matter taking everything into account my recent decision to extend a tenuous hand of forgiveness to said man.’
Yeah I’m sure that would go over well.
Eventually I made it through the day with no more confrontations from my friends. Even Wen hadn’t said anything more than a simple ‘I’m here if you need’ and for that I am grateful. All this emotion and I was dead tired. I decided to turn in early. I said my goodnights to everyone on the bus and headed to my bunk. I had gotten pretty used to life on a tour bus so I fell asleep easily rocked into dreamland by the swaying of the bus and the whispers of my friends in the next compartment over.
Dreamland did not last for long.
Before I knew it I was plunged into one of my recurring nightmares.
My father standing over me. His belt wielded in his hand menacingly. I cried out to my dad. He was my dad. He wasn’t supposed to hurt me like this. He was too wasted on his drugs to either notice or care about my cries. Dad please. Dad please. Please, please stop. I was sobbing but he didn’t stop, he never stopped. He nev-
I was pulled from the gripping dream with a gasp.
I sat up so quickly I almost hit my head on the concerned face that had been hovering over me. I caught my breath with my face in my hands. When I finally calmed some I managed to look up and see five very worried faces looking back at me. I scrambled to pull myself together even more. I was mortified to find I had been crying. That’s probably why they woke me up. Everyone looked to scared to say anything, so I decided to make an attempt at breaking the tension.
“I’m sorry... did I wake you guys?” Wen looked affronted.
“Olivia don’t apologize. Are you alright?”
“Yeah of course. It was just a little nightmare nothing to worry ab-”
“Cut the crap” Stella was never one to mince words, and she wasn’t about to let me brush this off. “We knew you sometimes had nightmares, but this was excessive.”
“Excessive?” What was she talking about? Wen grabbed my hand as Charlie spoke.
“You were crying and… and begging. You kept saying ‘dad please stop’ it was scary.”
I didn’t know what to say I was shocked speechless; my mouth worked up and down a few times. How do I cover this? How can I reassure them? I didn’t want all this drama. Mo could tell I was floundering.
“Olivia we all saw something was off today. Please we don’t want to pry, but we are worried about you. This isn’t normal, and that nightmare was something else entirely. If there is something you want or need to tell us please we are ready to listen.”
With a squeeze to my hand from Wen I decided to just tell them. I couldn’t keep things like this if was just going to blurt my secrets in my sleep anyways.
“I got a call from Gram today. My dad is getting released from prison. It has been a lot to work through these last few months. I never told anyone, but I decided to make an attempt at reconnecting in a way. My therapist said it might be healing to forgive him. Um…”
“Forgive him for what?” It was Wen who whispered the question.
“Forgive him for leaving me, … forgive him for the drug use…” I looked down for the next part I didn’t want to see the pity on their faces. “for hurting me.”
There was quiet after that then there was a thud. I looked up and saw Stella breathing heavier. I realized she must have punched the bed.
As I looked around at everyone I saw Mo had tears in her eyes and was being comforted by Scott who himself looked a little mad. Charlie was tearing up and had his head in his hands. Stella was now pacing after her boxing of the bunk bed, and Wen just had this unreadable expression as he looked at me. He seemed to make a decision tho as I soon found myself in his arms.
Not quite the reaction I had expected I guess. I slowly pulled back from Wen.
“Guys it’s not a big deal okay. Thank you for waking me, but lets just go back to bed.” I’m just so tired.
“Olivia no offense, but this kind of sounds like a big deal.”
“Scott is right Olivia. Your dad is getting released after how long? That’s huge! You never even told us you were trying to reconnect with him, not that you had to but come on we would have been there for you. We want to be there for you.” It was clear Wen was upset with me.
“I didn’t want to cause drama…”
“Liv listen to me. This is the type of ‘drama’ that we want to hear. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why your dad is in prison after that nightmare we just witnessed. You are suffering, and I hate to see you do so in silence.” Stella had calmed down and was now looking into my soul. It was strange to see her so serious.
“I guess I just never told anyone before so I didn’t see a way to now ya know? It’s hard. After my mom died my dad… he- he made some bad choices. He um, he turned to drugs for the pain and he got… violent at home. It was really hard and I didn’t have anyone to talk to or ask for help. I just- I just let him because he was going through enough and I didn’t want to add.-”
Wen gripped my hand tighter and turned me a bit so I was looking right at him.
“Olivia you did not ‘let’ this happen. You were young when all of this happened. You couldn’t have done anything to stop it.”
“But I never told anyone. Gram only found out cause she saw it happen. I-” He cut me off.
“It was not your fault.”
“I know but if I had-”
“It was not your fault.”
I couldn’t stop the tears. Wen repeated himself again but softer.
“It was not your fault.”
From there I was kind of a mess. Wen pulled me in for a hug which everyone else quickly joined. We laughed and cried and just talked until we fell asleep in a heap. I felt so much lighter after telling them. I had honestly never told anyone, and secretly it was because I was afraid they would blame me for what happened. To hear someone say it’s not my fault lifted years of pressure from my shoulders. I know there is still plenty left to work through, but I can’t even remember why I was so worried. These people here? They are my family and they are going to be there for me. We’ll always be more than a band.