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The way he kissed was nothing like the way he did anything else.
He was fake smiles and raised eyebrows. He was long limbs and slender fingers. He was sweeping hair and bright eyes. He was pale skin with a galaxy of freckles, and he was arching sets, and he was loud and he was raucous and he was soft. He was infinite.
He was not the shuddering of lungs. He was not fast breaths and quick pants.
Quiet was the last word anyone would ever use to describe Oikawa Tōru, and yet that was the only word coming to Hajime’s mind at that moment.
Hajime couldn’t focus on anything other than the way Oikawa’s skin felt under his lips. He was being gentle, more gentle than he previously thought he was capable of. He was afraid that if he pressed too hard Oikawa would fall apart under his very fingertips.
They were supposed to be working on their English essays, but Hajime kept finding himself distracted with the way Oikawa chewed on the end of his pen with furrowed brows or how he ran a hand through his hair to keep it pushed out of his eyes.
Oikawa was perfect in every way, and Hajime found himself getting lost in everything that he was and wasn’t.
Oikawa’s fists tightened their hold of Hajime’s shirt, and he chuckled lightly. “You good?”
“Such a tease, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa replied, voice breathy and light. Hajime dropped his head down, trying to calm his racing heart down. “It’s like you’re barely there.”
He pressed another fleeting kiss to his neck, wanting to go do more. He never gave Oikawa as much attention as he wanted to, because he knew that Oikawa didn’t like showing off any marks. He never had. Not even when he was dating girls and the bruises were much more easily explainable. Hajime was okay with it, really. If Oikawa didn’t want it, then neither did he.
That’s what he told himself, at least.
“I just like to see you squirm,” Hajime told him, and that much was true. Gasping, shivering Oikawa was so different compared to loud and obnoxious Oikawa he became when they left Hajime’s bedroom, and Hajime was glad that he was the one to get to be the cause of this.
“How rude,” said Oikawa, his words breaking off into a breathy moan halfway through. He tilted his head further back, and Hajime pulled away. This was the only time he couldn’t read Oikawa. It was so difficult to know what he wanted, since he never vocalized it. If Hajime pushed too much, he’d be met with a sad gaze and a fake smile as Oikawa pulled away from him. Hajime had learned by now that he needed to keep everything as light and as on the surface as possible to keep Oikawa near him.
He couldn’t stop himself from pressing a kiss against Oikawa’s lips, though. “We need to finish our English essays,” Hajime told him, and Oikawa glared at him. Hajime felt a second of doubt; had he misread that head tilt? Was Oikawa trying to ask for more?
Either way, it didn’t matter. If Hajime pursued it, there was no doubt that Oikawa would’ve ended up pulling away anyway.
Hajime was fine with that. Really, he was. If that was what his boyfriend wanted, then he was okay with it.
“That’s what we were doing until you started this,” said Oikawa, tugging Hajime out of his spiraling thoughts.
Hajime shrugged and sat back on his heels, studying Oikawa’s face. “Not my fault.”
Oikawa snorted. “Huh! How’s that, Iwa-chan?”
“You’re more fun than writing English essays, is all. Not my fault English is so boring and you’re so distracting,” Hajime told him truthfully.
Hajime watched as Oikawa’s face fell, his smile slowly drifting off. Panic began to swim in Hajime’s lungs. Had he said something wrong? Was he being too straightforward with the flirting?
Oikawa always did this whenever Hajime made a remark similar to that one. If Hajime expressed his feelings in anyway, Oikawa would withdraw from him. Hajime had never known him to be like that before. With his previous girlfriends, Oikawa was over the top and dramatic about everything.
Maybe he was like this because Hajime was his first boyfriend.
Maybe he was like this because he realized he didn’t want Hajime as his boyfriend, after all.
Hajime scowled. It wouldn’t do him any good to think like that.
“Right. Let’s just finish these essays before I have to leave, otherwise yours will be terrible,” Oikawa said, sitting up and putting space between himself and Hajime. Hajime watched him move away, wishing he could tug him closer. Wishing he wasn’t so fucking awkward that he couldn’t even talk to his best friend.
“Shut up, Shittykawa!” said Hajime as he whacked Oikawa with a pillow, desperate to bring back the easygoing atmosphere.
“So mean, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa responded, giving Hajime a pout, and that was enough.
They began to work on their essays after that, and Hajime pretended not to notice the way Oikawa kept sneaking glances at him because he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.
———
The cold was boring.
Hajime liked it. He liked that Oikawa would begin to wear large sweaters and fuzzy scarves and hats to keep warm, and he liked how cozy it became. He liked sitting at home and snuggling under a blanket. He was romantic like that.
The only thing he didn’t like about winter was the way Oikawa got. Hajime knew that his knee ached more with cold weather, but Oikawa always ignored it.
Like now, as he spiked another serve across the gym.
Hajime sighed. The spring Interhigh tournament was coming up, and Oikawa was training harder than anybody. Even though he had already perfected his killer jump serve, he was working on making it even more brutal.
And brutal it was. That is, it would be if Oikawa could make it in bounds.
He watched as Oikawa rubbed at his forehead to get rid of the sweat gathered under his hair. He gave the other side of the net a frustrated look, his bottom lip getting gnawed.
“Oikawa,” Hajime called, standing up from the floor. He’d been sitting on the hard floor for so long that his ass was numb, and his legs were buzzing.
Oikawa let out a long sigh. “Iwa-chan,” he responded, feigning obliviousness.
“It’s been long enough. Can we go home now?” Hajime asked.
Oikawa straightened up. When he had told the rest of the team that he was going to lock up the gym, Hajime immediately knew something was up. Oikawa was so airheaded that he always forgot to lock up or just misplaced the keys, so it was always Hajime or coach Irihata who locked up.
So, Hajime stayed. He stayed because he knew what Oikawa was up to, and because he wanted to make sure he didn’t hurt himself. He also hated walking home alone, and if he left Oikawa by himself, he’d stay there all night and be there the next morning when the rest of the team arrived.
“Okay,” Oikawa said. Hajime made him do his cool down stretches and he cleaned the gym, watching Oikawa’s face when it came to his knee closely. They took quick showers and changed back into their regular clothes, and Hajime made Oikawa towel dry his hair extra thoroughly so he wouldn’t get sick with wet hair and the cold outside.
It was dark when they began to walk home, and their breaths puffed out in front of them. Hajime bumped his shoulder with Oikawa, who just looked at him before he resumed to run his hands up and down his arms.
“Cold?” Hajime asked.
“No,” replied Oikawa, too fast to be telling the truth.
“Liar,” said Hajime. “I told you to bring an extra jacket. You know how the weather fluctuates this time of year.”
“What are you, Iwa-chan, my mom?”
Hajime glared at him. He hated it when Oikawa said that, as if he wasn’t allowed to care for his well being. Oikawa gave him a hesitant smile, breathing warm air into his hands. Hajime sighed and pulled off his own jacket, offering it to his boyfriend with pink cheeks. “Here, dumbass.”
Oikawa stared at it with wide eyes before he took it. “Iwa-chan?”
“I’m not that cold,” Hajime mumbled, his cheeks and ears feeling hot with embarrassment despite the chill biting at them.
There was a few beats of silence before Hajime felt the warmth of Oikawa’s body heat and his jacket being draped over his shoulders. He looked up in surprise, seeing Oikawa staring determinately at the ground.
“What are you doing, Trashykawa?” Hajime asked, wanting to step closer but afraid of breaking whatever spell had come over Oikawa and driving him away.
Oikawa wrinkled his nose, and Hajime was reminded of a rabbit. “Can’t you come up with something cuter to call me? That’s so unflattering.”
“You’re unflattering, Stupidkawa,” Hajime said, no real bite to his words. He tugged the jacket over his shoulders, using that as an excuse to get Oikawa closer to him. It was awkward, since Hajime was a few inches shorter than him, but they made it work. They walked in silence for a couple more minutes, until Oikawa winced after having to walk up a small hill. Hajime stopped, giving Oikawa a concerned look.
“Oikawa.”
Oikawa wouldn’t look at Hajime. “Iwa-chan.”
“Is your knee bothering you?”
“No.”
“Liar. Sit down.”
Oikawa frowned at him but sat on the curb as instructed. Hajime sat next to him, pressing their sides together. He gently grabbed Oikawa’s leg and pulled it into his lap, rubbing small soothing circles on either side of Oikawa’s knee. Ever since Oikawa got this godforsaken knee injury, Hajime had been watching countless sports medicine videos on youtube.
“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Oikawa told him, voice quiet.
“Shut up,” said Hajime, his heart beating too fast for his liking. He swallowed the frog in his mouth and looked at Oikawa, not knowing why he was so nervous all of a sudden. It wasn’t like he’d never asked Oikawa this before. “Come home with me.”
“I have to get to my own home, Iwa-chan.”
Hajime felt his heart plummet, but he plowed on. “My parents are out of town this weekend, and your parents have never had a problem with you staying at my house on weekends,” he said, and Oikawa sighed.
There was a few more beats of silence, and Hajime felt himself growing more and more tense by the second.
“Okay,” Oikawa finally said. Hajime relaxed next to him, his heart rate finally calming down. He felt like he’d just played a full set game. “But only if you make me breakfast and give me more massages like this.”
Hajime scowled to hide his smile. “Ugh. Fine,” he said with faux annoyance, but he couldn’t think of anything better.
Oikawa gave him a grin, one that was a little too big but genuine in its efforts to be genuine. “C’mon, Iwa-chan! I’m cold!”
Hajime sighed and stood up, offering his hand to Oikawa. He took it, and Hajime hauled him to his feet. They walked the rest of the short distance to the Hajime’s house, Oikawa clicking away on his phone. It was dark and cold inside the house since they were the only ones home, so Hajime didn’t bother turning on any of the lights downstairs. He led Oikawa to the kitchen and made a quick dinner of rice and chicken, and then they went up to Hajime’s room.
Hajime dug through his drawers for Oikawa’s extra clothes. Every since Oikawa grew taller than him, he started keeping clothes at Hajime’s house. It was nice, since Hajime could wear them when he was feeling lonely, not that he would ever admit to that.
They changed in silence. Hajime took longer than usual, mostly because he wasn’t sure if this was okay with Oikawa. Sure, they changed with each other in the locker rooms all the time, but that was when they were surrounded by other people and Hajime had to keep his gaze neutral.
He sighed and grabbed his shirt, bunching it up and sticking his arms through before anything else. He was about to slip it over his head when he felt Oikawa’s intense stare bore into him, and Hajime flushed and stopped changing.
Oikawa must have noticed the fact that Hajime noticed, because he quickly looked away with a blushing face and wide eyes.
Hajime couldn't help the laugh that escaped him. Oikawa was a notorious flirt, but he always turned into a blushing mess around Hajime. It was cute. “You never were subtle, Trashykawa.”
Oikawa wrinkled his nose the way he always did when Hajime called him names, and Hajime felt his heart soar. The way Oikawa wrinkled his nose was the only reason he did it. “Cuter nickname, Iwa-chan. The girls will stop fawning over me if you keep it up.”
Hajime stiffened, panicked thoughts racing through his mind. Why would Oikawa care about girls if he was already with Hajime? Was he implying that he’d rather have a girl than him?
He shook himself out of his negative thoughts and shrugged at Oikawa. He threw himself onto his bed, satisfied with the way Oikawa’s eyes widened when he saw that Hajime left his shirt off. “Good. Maybe then you’ll stop being late to practice,” he said, tone teasing. Then, slightly less teasing, “besides, you have me. That’s all the attention you need.”
“I’m never late,” Oikawa told him, and Hajime tried not to feel too disappointed at the fact that Oikawa ignored his attempt at flirting.
“You were late to practice yesterday,” Hajime pointed out.
“I was being held up.”
“Oh yeah? By what?”
Oikawa gave him an irritated scowl, which just proved Hajime’s point. Hajime laughed at him. “Stupid Oikawa. What’d you tell her?”
Oikawa snorted. “No, of course. How could she compete with my Iwa-chan?” his tone was teasing, the same way it always was when he flirted with anyone, but it sent a burst of happiness through Hajime. He gaped at Oikawa in surprise as he finished changing, unable to say anything.
Then it finally registered in Hajime’s brain that Oikawa meant it, and Hajime felt a second burst of affection tear through him. He was unable to resist the smile that broke his face in half or the blush that covered his skin.
Oikawa turned around, and Hajime attempted to hide his face with his pillow. He wasn’t quick enough, though, and Oikawa snapped a picture before Hajime could stop him. He let him get away with it, mostly because he was too happy to fight about it and he already had his own collection of pictures of Oikawa.
“Come here,” Hajime said, giving Oikawa a lazy smile. He pat the spot on the bed next to him.
Oikawa raised an eyebrow, but he crawled into bed with Hajime nevertheless. The bed wasn’t big enough for the both of them now that they were both long and grown, but they were able to fit if they pressed up against each other.
And that’s exactly what they did. Hajime scooter above Oikawa a couple inches so Oikawa could comfortably rest his head on Hajime’s chest before he tangled their legs together, feeling content. Oikawa hesitantly wrapped his arms around Hajime’s waist, and Hajime felt his heart soar. He was… happy.
He was torn out of his happy bubble by the way Oikawa was practically vibrating against him. Hajime frowned, shifting so he could look at Oikawa.
“What’s got you so nervous, Tōru?”
Oikawa sighed.
“Nothing,” Oikawa responded, but his voice was strangely meek.
“Are you okay?” Hajime asked, suddenly concerned.
“I’m fine, Iwa-chan,” said Oikawa, wiggling closer. “Just cold.”
“Hmm. Well, sit up for a second so I can grab a blanket,” Hajime told him. Maybe that would fix his strange behavior.
Oikawa did as Hajime told him, and Hajime grabbed the comforter and pulled it over them. They got back into their previous position, but this time Hajime grabbed Oikawa’s right leg and dragged it up so it was bent over his hips. He began to rub lazy and slow circles on his knee with his thumb, hoping to soothe any pain Oikawa might be feeling at that moment.
It was nice. Oikawa never let him get this close before. Usually it was just them trading soft kisses before Oikawa pulled away, leaving Hajime in the dust. If Hajime ever did anything too relationship-like, Oikawa would stop him. Their cuddles never lasted long, much to Hajime’s disappointment.
They never fell asleep in each other’s arms.
Hajime loved this. He could stay like this forever, if only the universe allowed.
“Iwa-chan?”
“Hmm?” Hajime hummed, pulled out of his almost sleep-like state.
Oikawa sat up, disentangling himself from Hajime. This got the spiker to awaken fully, who sat up himself and gave Oikawa a perplexed look.
“What is it, Tōru?” he asked, feeling dread pool in his lungs.
“What are we doing?” Oikawa asked, and Hajime didn’t know what to think.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what are we doing? What’s this game we’re playing?”
Now Hajime was confused. “Game? What are you talking about?”
Oikawa looked frustrated. He growled and tugged on the tips of his hair. “I’m talking about this… thing between us! How we touch and snuggle and kiss! This isn’t something friends do! I don’t want to keep doing this!”
Hajime felt like he couldn’t breathe, even with the breath he just sucked in.
So, all his worries were right. Oikawa really didn’t want to be with Hajime, if he ever did in the first place. He was probably just humoring Hajime.
Hajime felt tears stinging his eyes, and he blinked rapidly to keep them from spilling over. “You… don’t?” he asked, unable to muster up more than a whisper.
“No. I don’t want to keep this friends-with-benefits thing going. I am more. I deserve more.”
Hajime wasn’t enough.
He couldn’t breathe.
His lip quivered, and he let out a shuddering breath as he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Friends-with-benefits?” he asked, because he couldn’t understand what Oikawa meant by that.
“Yeah. That’s what we are, idiot,” Oikawa said, crossing his arms with a frown.
“Oh,” Hajime said, feeling like his entire world was crashing down on him. They were never dating? That… was embarrassing. He turned around, facing the wall with his back to Oikawa. He felt like he just lost a piece of his heart.
“What the hell are you doing, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa asked, grabbing Hajime’s shoulder to try to force him to turn around. Hajime wouldn’t budge.
“I was just under the impression that we were something more than friends-with-benefits. I’ll stop, then,” Hajime said, voice embarrassingly watery.
“What?” Oikawa asked, his voice breathless. Hajime hated it, because he wished he was able to do that regularly.
“I said I’ll stop, since that’s what you want.”
“No, you said-“
“I know what I said! Just forget it, okay?” Hajime snapped, unable to take this any longer. Boy, he was a real idiot.
“What did you think we were?” Oikawa pushed, and Hajime was reminded of just how annoying and persistent Oikawa could be when he wanted to.
“It’s not important.”
“It’s important to me.”
“I thought we were dating, okay?!” Hajime said, hating how childish it sounded. “I thought- it doesn’t matter now.”
Oikawa was silent for a second. “I want to.”
Hajime tensed up, but this time he let himself be turned around when Oikawa grabbed his shoulder. “What?”
“I want to be dating.”
Hajime felt himself heat up, and he knew he was probably bright red judging by the smile on Oikawa’s face. “What the hell, Oikawa?! You can’t just say that!”
“Well, why not? You were the one who thought we were dating!”
“Okay, and?! That’s embarrassing!”
Oikawa grinned, grabbing Hajime’s hands in his before he pressed kisses to them. “Be my boyfriend, Iwa-chan. For real this time.”
Hajime gave him a long look with wide eyes and blushing cheeks before he nodded. He never thought he’d hear his boyfriend ask him to date him months after he’d already thought they started dating. “Okay, dumbass.”
Oikawa beamed, and it was one of his real, genuine smiles for once. He leaned forward, letting his head rest on Hajime’s shoulder to hide his smile.
“I like you so much,” he mumbled into Hajime’s skin, and Hajime was elated. He didn’t realize how much he craved affection from Oikawa until now.
Hajime gave him a relaxed sigh, his heart beating contentedly. “I like you, too, idiot. Hey, now that you actually know we’re dating, does this mean you’re going to get more affectionate?”
Oikawa furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“Before, you weren’t very affectionate. You didn’t let me touch you in public and you didn’t like it if I touched you for too long. You always withdrew.”
Oikawa turned red, his eyes going wide. “Shut up! I only did that because I was trying to protect my poor, pining heart! Of course I’m going to be affectionate now, bastard! I’m going to be the most affectionate boyfriend ever, you’ll get sick of me!”
Hajime laughed, the action rumbling through his body and making it shake. Oikawa pressed his hand to Hajime’s chest, and Hajime knew it was so he could feel it. “Okay, Tōru,” he said, wanting nothing more than for Oikawa to actually act like his boyfriend.
Oikawa huffed a breath into Hajime’s shoulder. “Whatever. What’s your excuse?”
“My excuse?” questioned Hajime.
“Yeah. Why were you always so gentle with me? How come you never kissed me hard enough to leave a mark?” Oikawa asked, pushing a finger into Hajime’s hip bone.
“I thought you didn’t like it! I tried before and you stopped me!” Hajime defended.
“Because I thought we were friends-with-benefits!”
“Idiot! Oikawa, you idiot! Why didn’t you just ask me?!”
“Why didn’t you just ask me?!” Oikawa responded.
Hajime hated how he was right, and he remained quiet. “Whatever,” he grumbled, not missing the way Oikawa snickered with satisfaction. “We both need to work on our communication.”
“Okay,” Oikawa agreed. “Can we snuggle right now, though?”
Hajime grinned at him, pleased that this was something they could do now without him having to second guess himself.
“Of course we can,” Hajime said, lifting up the comforter and settling back down. Oikawa resumed the same position as earlier, this time showing no hesitancy in the way he wrapped his arms around Hajime’s torso or the way he shoved his legs in between in his.
Hajime couldn’t help but press lazy kisses all over Oikawa, up until the moment he fell asleep.
And if Hajime made sure to suck bruises into Oikawa’s skin to be shown off during practice Tuesday morning, then that was no ones business but theirs.