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He had walked out to clear his head of unwanted, intrusive thoughts. It was ridiculous because Phil hadn’t been upset and no one else was any wiser, but there was an air of failure to the whole exchange that Dan couldn’t shake.
It hadn’t even been a big deal. Phil had shrugged it off and kept moving like nothing had happened. They’d arrived at Phil’s parents’ house shortly thereafter, tired smiles plastered across their faces from an afternoon of travelling. They’d said their hellos, exchanged hugs and excused themselves to dump their belongings in the guest bedroom and freshen up. Nothing more had been said and Dan knew that Phil would have forgotten all about it if not for his own silent freak out.
Sure enough, a quick glance at Phil after they’d all gathered in the lounge had confirmed that he’d caught on to what was going on inside Dan’s head. So Dan had turned his attention back to the conversation, desperate to ignore the concerned look that soured Phil’s expression. He’d listened instead to Martyn argue with Kath about how many mince pies would be needed to get through the week. He’d laughed along with stories of neighborhood gossip and extended family squabbles. But the laughter was forced and hollow, and by the time Cornelia had asked for his opinion on a vegan dish she wanted to try, he’d spiraled so far into his own head that she’d had to repeat herself multiple times.
So finally he’d offered an excuse about being tired from the trip, and prepared to bury himself under the duvet in the guest room where he could spiral in peace. But as he’d passed through the front hallway he’d found himself reaching for his jacket and wandering out into cold night instead.
~
The Isle was quiet this time of year, for which Dan was eternally thankful. There was a string of Christmas lights hanging between the lamp posts alongside the road that twinkled in rainbow colours. The ocean was camouflaged just beyond by the night sky, but Dan could hear the telltale sounds of waves upon rocks as the frigid wind blew in the tide.
Drawing a deep breath, Dan tugged his hat and pulled the collar of his jacket up higher around his neck. He crossed onto the grassy area overlooking the ocean and sat down on a familiar bench. There wasn’t much to see. The lights on the pier across the harbor shone bright, but the sky was dark and the moon was just a sliver, hardly helping.
The dark always frightened Dan. But right now, he found comfort in solitude; it was almost freeing. He closed his eyes against the breeze and let his head fall back ever so slightly. The incident in the airport rolled back through his mind and he tried to quell the churning in the pit of his stomach as he replayed the whole scene. The hard part was supposed to be over; the doors had been opened, the blinds had been raised and the world had been entrusted with their most guarded secret. It had been a scary proposition - offering up the naked truth of who he was to a world that wasn’t always receptive or welcoming to those that it deemed different. But the support had been overwhelming, and Dan had felt nothing but love and acceptance. The community hadn’t rejected him. He’d been included; embraced, even. So why was he struggling so much to let go of old habits? And why was this one seemingly insignificant incident weighing on him so heavily that his brain was freaking out and leaving him feeling disjointed and out of sorts?
“Thought I might find you here.” The comment interrupted Dan’s spiraling thoughts and easily dragged him back to the present.
Dan hummed in response as he opened his eyes and turned his head to follow the sound of Phil moving around the bench to sit next to him.
“Can I hold your hand?” Phil’s voice was soft and gentle, barely audible over the sound of the lights clanking against the metal poles and a dog barking somewhere off in the distance.
“I hate that you have to ask me that,” Dan replied, but reached over blindly and pulled Phil’s hand into his own, interlocking their fingers and squeezing gently.
“Dan, it’s okay if you’re not ready for this.”
In the dim light Dan could just about make out Phil’s profile as he looked down at their joined hands, his quiff hanging loosely out of place. Even when Dan could barely see him, Phil was his rock; the place that felt like home; the tether that kept him afloat in the worst of times. He knew they’d have to talk about what Dan was going through. Phil would give Dan space, but he wouldn’t drop it. Not now that he could see how much it still affected him. But this wasn’t the time. So Dan changed the subject knowing that Phil would let him. “It’s so dark out here. What did you say to your parents?”
“Nothing, really. Just repeated what you’d said about being tired from the trip and work and stuff and said you needed a minute. They understand; you know that. But mum did suggest I bring you in before you freeze to death out here.”
Dan let his head fall onto Phil’s shoulder. “We probably shouldn’t make mum Kath cross, then.”
“No,” Phil agreed, “she might take away the mince pies.”
Dan rolled his eyes. “That’s all you really care about, isn’t it.” His head bounced around as Phil giggled silently in agreement. “I love you, you know,” Dan added softly when the laughter had settled.
“I know. C’mon. We won’t figure anything out sitting out here catching our death of pneumonia.”
“You know that’s not actually going to happen. Frostbite, maybe. Pneumonia, unlikely.”
Even in the dark, Dan could feel Phil’s fond glare, so he laughed softly and let himself be pulled back towards the house.
~
There was something so comforting about the Lester house at Christmastime. It was warm and welcoming with the sounds of love and laughter and the smell of freshly baked biscuits and pies. There was no need to hide away from anyone or pretend to be anything other than they were. Through everything, this had been a safe space for Dan, and he desperately needed that more now than ever before.
He was sat on the stool in the kitchen, blowing gently on the coffee mug in front of him. He’d dragged himself out of bed earlier than he would have liked, almost as if he were seeking out the chaos and trying to reconnect to what he loved most about coming up here. There was a whirlwind of activity around him; Kathryn and Cornelia opening cabinets and yelling out various ingredients that were needed from the market while Nigel was sat on his own stool, furiously writing everything down, and occasionally rolling his eyes when Kath wasn’t looking.
Dan chuckled into his mug as he took it all in. Years ago, when he’d first found himself amid the activity that surrounded a full Lester household, he’d been overwhelmed. But the longer he was around them, the less he felt the need to disappear to Phil’s room to recharge. He liked being a part of their family. And he was a part of it. Kath had seen to it that he always felt included. When she’d come to discover the true nature of his relationship with Phil, she’d hugged him and told him how much she loved him and how proud she was. He told her about his struggles and she loved him without judgement. The awkwardness of how to act was something he and Phil had quickly and easily overcome. It had felt so natural. Maybe Dan had put too much emphasis on how easy that had been when he thought about coming out to the world.
No. He couldn’t let himself spiral now and ruin this moment. The dissociation from the prior night was gone, and he needed to not fall again right now. He needed his tether. Offering one last sympathetic smile to Nigel, Dan hopped off the stool, filled a second mug up with coffee and headed back up to the room to see if Phil was up yet.
“You’re up early,” is how he was greeted as he walked through the door.
“Couldn’t sleep much. Also, it’s not that early. Here,” Dan handed over the cup of coffee as Phil sat up in bed, “brought you some wake up help.”
“Mmm,” Phil hummed as he took a sip, then tugged gently on Dan’s wrist to pull him down onto the bed next to him. “Lifesaver. What’s mum doing?”
“Making a shopping list with Corn and your dad.”
“What do you want to do today?”
“Dunno.”
“Do we need to talk about yesterday?”
No. Dan didn’t want to talk about yesterday. He wanted to forget about it. He wanted it all to be easy and not awkward. He wanted everything to just fall in place and happen just like they’d planned; just like they’d discussed. Dan didn’t want to deal with his stupid, non functioning brain making simple situations difficult.
But he couldn’t say any of that to Phil because he knew that Phil wouldn’t keep letting him off that easily. So he shrugged and brought the coffee mug to his lips instead. Avoidance was still his favorite tactic, even if it wasn’t always successful in the long run.
Phil shook his head, “I know what you’re thinking. If it’s still bothering you, then let’s talk about it. Even if it’s the same conversation we’ve had before.” Phil put his mug on the bedside table and wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist, pulling him closer into his side.
“I don’t want to keep having the same conversation,” Dan sighed as he buried his head on Phil’s shoulder.
“Dan…”
“Not now. I have something else in mind,” Dan whispered as he caught Phil’s earlobe between his teeth with a gentle tug.
“Dan! My mum’s in the house. You said so yourself.” Phil sounded scandalized, but made no move to pull away.
“Mmmhmm. Like that’s ever stopped us before,” Dan muttered, climbing onto Phil’s lap. As he leaned in and captured Phil’s lips with his own, he was overcome with relief and passion and desire.
The butterflies may have long ago settled down, but left in their absence was something even greater. It was the perfect amount of pressure of Phil’s lips against his own, and the practiced way their tongues battled for dominance. It was Phil finding the sweet spot on the roof of Dan’s mouth with the tip of his tongue, and Dan knowing just how hard to bite down on Phil’s lip to get the most delicious moan. It was both familiar and exciting and Dan needed that feeling; that tether to home.
Phil’s hands were in his hair, fingers wrapped tightly around his unruly curls, gently tugging. The slight pain caused a shiver to run through Dan’s body, and he felt himself jerking forward, desperate for more contact.
Dan let his hands slide under Phil’s t-shirt, reveling in the feeling of his broad chest and light spattering of chest hair. His fingers spread against Phil’s skin, warm still from being wrapped under the duvet. The tips brushed gently against Phil’s nipples; too light to elicit any real reaction, but enough that Phil could feel the intent.
Phil’s hands detangled themselves from Dan’s hair and slid down to his waist, holding him steady when he tried to grind himself down further into Phil’s lap. He felt more than heard Phil groan underneath him just before he pushed harder on Dan’s hips and pulled himself back.
“I need to get ready. We can continue this later,” Phil smirked as he rolled Dan off to the side so he could get up. If it weren’t for his swollen lips, labored breaths and dark flush, Dan would almost believe he was as unaffected as he was clearly trying to pretend to be.
Dan groaned and threw himself backwards onto the bed, his head resting on the warm spot Phil had just vacated, willing himself to calm down. He was about to shut his eyes try to conjur up the least sexy thoughts he could when Phil’s head poked back out around through the doorway, clearly naked from at least the waist up, but almost completely obscured by the doorway.
Dan groaned again in frustration. “After all that you’re just going to show me just your head? I don’t get the full view?”
“I thought you liked my head?” Phil smirked.
“Mmmm, yeah, that was the point I was trying to get across before you rudely threw me off to the side.” Dan folded his arms across his chest and added a pout for effect.
“I want to enjoy this Christmas, not be wallowing in trauma when mum walks in and finds you balls deep in my throat.”
“No naked Phil, dirty talk, and I’m supposed to lie here and take it? I hate you,” Dan lamented once more as Phil continued to smirk from the doorway. “Fine,” he huffed, leaning up on his elbows, “hurry up and wash your filthy ass so we can go out.”
~
Dan grabbed the coffee mugs and walked back down to the kitchen to find only Cornelia sitting on the barstool scrolling through her phone. “Kath and Nigel head out to the market?”
“Yeah. Imagine they’ll be gone for a while, I think she had other errands to run first. What are you two up to today?”
Dan shrugged. “Thought I might drag him out for some nature.”
“Oh. Well, lots of that around here,” Cornelia smiled over the rim of her mug. “Hey, you okay?” she asked.
Dan barked out a laugh and dropped onto the barstool across from her. “I mean, what do you consider okay?” he replied. The self-deprecating humor a clear attempt to deflect the conversation.
Cornelia reached out and took hold of Dan’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You know... it’s okay if you’re not.”
Dan shook his head, willing himself to hold it together. The gentle squeeze, the sympathetic look, it was all too much for the tentative hold he had on his emotions. He’d built this whole incident up to be a big deal in his head. Much larger than it should be, he knew that. But his therapist would tell him it didn’t matter. That if it bothered him, he needed to let it out and talk about it. She’d say that his feelings were valid regardless of how inconsequential he thought they should be. And here was Cornelia, the tiny, fiery redhead who was like the older sister he never had, warm and welcoming and without judgement, offering him an outlet if he wanted to take it. But how could she even possibly understand?
“Dan…”
He looked up at her and shook his head again, blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill over. “It’s really nothing,” he finally replied, desperately trying to keep his voice in check. “My fucked up brain is just making a big deal out something it shouldn’t.”
Cornelia nodded. “If you want to talk about it, I can listen. But if you don’t, that’s okay, too.”
He didn’t know how to even begin to explain it, and he wasn’t sure he could hold it together to even try. “You and Martyn don’t engage in much PDA, do you?”
If Cornelia was thrown by the comment, she didn’t show it. Instead, she cocked her head to the side and seemed to think about it for a moment, invested as always and intent to let the conversation play out at Dan’s pace. “I wouldn’t say that we shy away from it, but we also make a point not to post a lot of ‘couple-y’ pictures, if that’s what you mean. But I don’t think we’ve ever really discussed it at length or thought much about it one way or the other.”
Dan sighed. “Of course you wouldn’t.” It came out harsher than he’d meant it to, the reaction immediate and unintentional.
There was a brief flash of something across Cornelia’s face that Dan couldn’t place, but she schooled her reaction quickly and leaned forward, making herself appear even smaller than usual. “Is that what this is about?” she finally asked.
At the very least, the brief feeling of anger at the unfairness of the situation had tentatively pushed the walls back in place. He knew he didn’t owe Cornelia an explanation, but he wasn’t angry at her, either. So he brought his thumb up to his mouth and nipped at the skin around his thumbnail, biding himself some time while he collected his thoughts.
Taking a deep breath, he kept his eyes low to the table and replied, “It wasn’t a big deal. When we were at the airport yesterday in London, Phil put his hand on my back. He wasn’t trying to be intimate. You and Martyn were in front of us and I think he wanted me to move faster. But the thing is, I flinched. It was an automatic reaction. It wasn’t intentional, but it was enough that he noticed and dropped his hand back down to his side.” Dan continued to gnaw at his finger, but lifted his eyes enough to glance across the island at Cornelia.
She didn’t say anything for a bit, and Dan began to think that maybe she really did think he was being ridiculous. But she gently grabbed the hand that was tucked into his mouth and pulled it back down to the table.
“I won’t tell you I understand, because as you pointed out, society tells me I don’t have to overthink how to act in public with my partner. I know it’s different for you. It would be different even if you didn’t have an audience of millions of people watching and evaluating your every move.”
Dan could feel the emotions bubbling back to the surface, but he didn’t even try to hold them in this time. He unashamedly let a tear slip down his cheek.
“I imagine the wide open world of being out is a big, scary place. Navigating it, circumstances or not, that’s something that many of us take for granted. If you want to talk about it, I will listen. But I think the person you really need to talk to is Phil.”
“I heard my name being taken in vain,” Phil exclaimed loudly as he walked into the kitchen.
Dan quickly swiped at his face, knowing Phil wouldn’t take no for an answer if he caught Dan crying in his mum’s kitchen.
“Ears were ringing, were they?” Cornelia laughed as she stood up. She gave Dan a quick squeeze to his shoulder then looked back at Phil, “Nice of you to join us, Philip. I think I’ll head up to find Mr. Mooken. We’re taking a drive up north for the afternoon, but we can drop you lot somewhere on our way out if you’d like, yeah?”
“Was it something I said?” Phil asked Dan with a teasing smile as Cornelia walked out towards the stairs without waiting for an answer.
“Can we walk up to the cliffs?” Dan asked, returning the smile.
“Yup. But I’m wearing my green parka because it’s really warm.”
“That coat is ugly.”
“Put on something warm, Danny boy. I’m not about listening to you belly about because the wind is nipping at your delicate skin.”
“I still hate you right now.”
Phil leaned down to Dan and planted a chaste kiss on his lips. “Same. Now let’s go.”
~
The trails around Bradda Head felt familiar. They hiked these paths at least once almost every visit, often posting selfies and instagram stories that showed off the breathtaking views that made the pain of exercise almost worth it. In the light of day Dan could see the ocean stretching on for miles; pounding away at the rocks surrounding the harbor; the sun reflecting its light off the waves. The dirt path was uneven beneath his feet, enough that Dan was forced to watch his footing to keep from tripping. It helped to keep his thoughts at bay.
Just ahead of him, Phil stopped and snapped a few pictures. Dan watched him cheerfully talk to himself as he moved the phone about, obviously filming something to potentially post to instagram at some later point in time.
He should be doing the same, Dan realized. Giving his viewers some content. But it had only been the last year or so that they’d even acknowledged the fact that they both travelled up here together. Phil put his phone back in his pocket and turned around to wave at Dan with youthful exuberance. Dan shook his head fondly.
“You’re such a dork,” Dan laughed as Phil walked up to him.
“I took like three videos. We can look at them later and decide what to post,” Phil replied. “Are you going to post something?”
He could. The scrutiny didn’t matter. He was allowed to be here. This was his family, too. They’d been his family for ten years. But there was still something holding him back that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You can always film something, or snap a few pictures, and then decide later. Keep your options open.”
Dan just nodded. “Yeah, maybe.”
“You’re spiraling again.” It wasn’t a question. There wasn’t much Dan could hide from Phil, especially given his ups and downs over the last two days. “Please talk to me, Dan. I know you don’t want to keep going over this, but you can’t torture yourself over a completely normal and understandable reaction. Do you think you hurt my feelings? Is that what this is about?”
Dan shoved his hands in his pockets and let his face fall, tired of keeping up the pretense of being okay. His eyes met Phil’s, and he realized, finally, that he was ready to talk about it. He was tired of internally beating himself up over something he couldn’t control. “I thought this was going to be easy, you know? I thought the hard part would be over once I uploaded.”
“We’ve been hiding this for ten years, Dan. It was never going to be easy to change those habits.”
Dan nodded absently. The words made sense. They were logical, they were understandable and they made for an easy answer that could have made everything okay. But they didn’t make Dan feel any better.
He started walking again, kicking a few stones along the way. The cliff’s edge was close now, and the wind had noticeably picked up.
He could hear Phil trailing quietly behind him. They walked in silence until they came to the edge. Dan peered down below, watching the waves crashing against the rocks, Phil hanging a step behind, watching him intently.
“It sometimes felt like we were living in these parallel universes, you know? Like, one universe had Dan and Phil, ‘best friends and soulmates’ who lived platonically in their two bedroom flat with their secret girlfriends and wives, and who never shared any sort of romantic connection. That universe had this whole audience who watched us through a camera lense, or interacted with us in public, or listened to us on the radio. And we knew how to act. We knew how close to stand, what an acceptable touch looked like. We knew that even though that audience liked to speculate, they didn’t know, and so there was this plausible deniability to any incidental touch.”
Phil just continued to listen to Dan, his expression was neutral, but his blue eyes clearly focused and invested in every word coming out of Dan’s mouth.
Dan took a deep breath and looked back out to the ocean. “But then there was this other universe where Dan and Phil were just us. We were romantic partners, best friends and soulmates who lived anything but platonically in a shared bedroom in our two bedroom flat. It had a much smaller audience made up of your immediate family and a small handful of our friends. There were all these walls that surrounded that universe. And though people sort of figured out that it existed, they couldn’t see through the walls to see inside. So it was safe and guarded,” he paused, “and ours.”
“Dan…” Phil began, but stopped. Dan looked over at him. Phil’s eyes were sympathetic like he understood. Like he was the only person in the world who could.
“I forget sometimes, you know?” Dan continued, “I forget that the universes have collided. That doors and windows were added to the smaller universe so everyone else now knows for sure that it’s there. Or maybe I’m just acutely aware that the windows are there. Maybe that’s the problem. Because now I don’t know just how much they can see. When you touch my back, even if it just means ‘move faster, Dan’ to us, what does it mean to them? What are they seeing?”
Phil nodded, taking it all in. “I don’t think there’s an easy answer to that. But, if you want to stick with the fandom analogy, think of it like the fourth wall. If they’re not in my directs, then I’m not seeking them out. So, I don’t worry about what they might be thinking. I can only control my actions and make sure you and I are comfortable with the current boundaries.”
Dan smirked, “You’ve always been better at that hard line than I have been.”
“So then we re-think the boundaries and we slow down again.”
“If we slow down anymore we’ll be crawling backwards,” Dan quipped.
Phil laughed which instantly relieved some of the tension Dan had been feeling. “There’s no script for this. We make the rules, and if the rules we made don’t work, then we make new ones. Even if we have to crawl backwards to do it.”
Dan pulled out his phone and flipped to the camera. The sun was starting to dip, and there was a golden hue to the horizon that he knew would impress even his brother if he could capture the moment just right.
When he turned back around Phil was standing there with his own phone in hand, grinning. “What?” he asked when Dan raised a questioning eyebrow. “He thought the view was nice, but I thought he was nicer. Isn’t that how it goes?”
“You’re still a dork.”
Phil smiled easily but didn’t say anything more.
“It was an incidental touch, Phil. We agreed that there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“No,” Phil shook his head. “What we agreed to was that the concept of that happening was okay. But it played out and it made you uncomfortable. So we rethink it. Nothing is set in stone.”
“Why was it so easy when your mum found out about us? It didn’t take that long before we were cuddling on the couch in front of her and kissing goodbye in the doorway while she reminded us of bus and train schedules.”
Phil shrugged. “Smaller audience. Less time to get used to acting a certain way. Comfort and familiarity with the audience and their reactions? I don’t know. But it’s a different situation. This is different. It was never going to be that easy.”
“I want to hold your hand in public. I don’t want to be afraid.”
Phil smiled and nudged Dan’s shoulder with his own. “We’ll get there.”
Dan nodded. He felt lighter. There was no resolution, not really. They couldn’t ‘solve’ this problem. There wasn’t a clear answer. But Phil had his back, and even though he’d known that all along, sometimes he just needed a gentle reminder.
As they started to walk back, Dan could see two people just coming over the hill and into view. From where he stood he could see their connected hands, swinging gently between them as they walked.
Dan didn’t know if the couple knew who Dan and Phil were or not. Most likely the latter. But history would suggest that even that could be dangerous if the right person spotted them in the background of someone else’s selfie or video.
Dan smiled to himself. Baby steps, he thought. He glanced over at Phil who was watching the same couple. Maybe he was seeing the same things Dan was, or maybe he was just watching for something to focus on. Dan couldn’t tell and it didn’t matter. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and interlocked his fingers with Phil’s.
Phil looked over, his eyes questioning for only a brief moment before relaxing at Dan’s smiling face.
Dan felt Phil squeeze his hand. They were going to figure this out together.
It was a baby step, but it was a baby step forward, and Dan had never felt more alive.