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Keiji checked the tablet two or three times, each time hoping for a miracle.
He was cruelly denied one.
He knew that this was a possibility, that Lady Luck wasn’t going to be kind to him. Since the Death Game started, he had miraculously got through the first two Main Games relatively unscathed. Maybe somewhere in his heart he had hoped that he would have the luck to come out alive again. As he sat in his bed, Keiji was sure the noose was firm around his neck. His palms were wet, nervous sweat dotted his skin.
Finally.
Finally...
Finally, you can die with us.
The hallucinations whispered; they laughed and they embraced him. A chill ran up his spine and his fingers tightened on the tablet. Hands wrapped around his neck, his chest, and his waist. They were finally given what they want. He was going to pay for all the crimes that he committed. His actions lead him here, and his victims were going to enjoy it, because now…
He was the Sacrifice.
“Good work on that case, Keiji!”
“No problem, Mr. Takashi. Glad I could get out there.”
Takashi grinned as he looked at the check. If it weren’t for his seasalt hair and the lines that creased his forehead, the childish glee would have made him look ten years younger. He spun in his roller chair, cackling as he looked at the amount of zeroes that lined the check. Mr. Takashi had a reputation for being a money grubber, and when Keiji had to watch him ogle a paycheck like this, he was hard pressed to counter those claims. However, he just gave the older man a slight smile. A job well done and a check well earned; he couldn’t ask for more.
“Can I get a raise now?” A small voice chimed in and instantly the man frowned.
“Hikari,” Casting a harsh glare at the girl from behind his desk, he sighed. “Maybe, if you worked as hard as Keiji, I would think about it. Until then, you should just try not to get fired.”
The young black haired girl pouted and turned back in her chair at the front desk, tapping away at her phone. Keiji rubbed the back of his neck and gave a slight chuckle. Turning his attention back on him, the older man cracked a sly grin and Keiji could feel his stomach twist into a knot.
“Let’s celebrate, and drink until the morning rises!” Takashi exclaimed and Keiji instantly put his hands up.
“Denied, going straight home.” Keiji quickly countered.
Hikari snorted, eyes glued to her screen, “Yeah, unlike you, Mr. Takashi, Keiji has someone waiting for him at home!”
“Keh!” The older man spat, and crossed his arms in disdain.
Keiji let out a small laugh as he grabbed his briefcase and jacket from his desk.
"If you're lucky, sir, you'll understand one day.” He couldn’t help but smile to himself, Even he had a tough time coming to terms with it himself. There was… someone was waiting for him at home. He hastened his speed.
“See you guys tomorrow.” Hikari mumbled something farewell-like, while Takashi snorted and waved him away. One day the old man will have his drinking buddy, but Keiji wasn’t going to be it. Closing the door behind him, he started on his way home.
The heat was the first thing that hit him. Whether it was the afternoon sun or the humidity, he instantly adjusted his tie and unbuttoned the first two buttons of his dress shirt. He glanced behind him to see the bright red lettering posted on the glass door to his workplace. ‘Seto Takashi - Private Investigator’ it read, straight and to the point.
Seto Takashi used to be a police detective back in the day and was a damn good one. He said as much himself, and quite often at that. Priding himself in his talent and dedication, as well as holding justice above all else, he made a name for himself in the force. However, one day, life just got too much for him. The backroom deals, the condemning evidence that just so happened to go missing, and the corrupt cops that littered the precinct and made his job so much harder than it had to be.
Takashi had wanted to do some good in the world, even if it meant working outside the law. Finally, he felt like he was doing some good in his small independent investigation agency.
When Keiji came to him a couple of months ago looking for a job, the old man had opened his arms out wide. He wouldn’t promise a steady paycheck, but he promised that worthwhile work.
Initially, Keiji thought he was joking. After a couple of cases though, saving hopeless clients, bringing closure and relief, and being rewarded by tears of joy, he admitted defeat. Keiji didn’t even mind the weird payment schedule anymore; he felt as though he was actually doing some good in the world.
Justice had been dead for him for so long. Back then, he had resigned himself to leaving the police force and never returning. Takashi really was something, a prime example that as long as someone out there was pursuing the truth, justice would be just an inch away, ready to be achieved. As much as he poked fun of the man, Keiji respected him. This was a man who kept his principles.
He couldn’t tell her.
The words refused to come out and he didn’t blame them.
They would have destroyed her.
So… he lied.
“I’m a Commoner.” Keiji told her, when she confronted him about his role. Hearing that, the tension released her shoulders and left her chest, her eyes reflexively fluttering shut. When she looked back up at him, she smiled out of pure relief. She had aged over the course of the last few days, developing bags under her eyes from lack of sleep. As she took his hands in her own, her eyelashes started to glisten with unshed tears.
The floormasters were tougher on them after the second game. They heavily monitored them and tracked their every movement, making it harder and harder to move freely. Each day spent in inaction for fear of repercussions was just another day wasted. So close to the next Main Game, Sara had begun to lack confidence again. Hearing his lie, was just another burden lifted from her back.
Bending down, she held his hands up to her forehead. Her small hands shaking. “Thank goodness… Thank goodness…”
Letting out a small painful sob, she doubled over, and Keiji automatically wrapped his arms around her. Sara clutched at his back, digging her fingers deeply through the fabric of his shirt, as if anchoring herself to him. As if he would disappear if she wasn’t careful enough. He winced from the pain but held her tighter, crushing her into him.
At first it was so muffled, he couldn’t even hear it. But her crying grew louder until she was keening into his chest. Her grief transformed her, and she wailed as loud as she could.
It hurts…
Keiji’s grip strengthened as her knees gave out and she continued to scream.
It hurts…
“K-Kanna...! Gin...!” She cried, as she let go of him and collapsed to the floor. Sara hid her face in her arms as she broke down. Her breathing was ragged, gasping, “Reko! Q-taro! I’m letting them down! T-They’re counting on me and I let them down!”
Her fingernails dug into her palms, blood beading up from the crescents, “I’m failing them...! I couldn’t find a way out...!”
It hurts…
Sara had tried her hardest for everyone. She worked tirelessly, day in and out, to find anything that could help them. When everyone was asleep, she would stay up until morning searching for any clues that could help them escape. She was destroying herself and he couldn’t do anything for her. When he tried to get her to sleep, she would be too anxious to close her eyes. Now that the third Main Game was approaching, she could only admit defeat.
It hurt, seeing that beacon of strength be reduced to a crying heap. Keiji rubbed her back and the lie stung on his tongue. It was almost too painful.
He wanted more than anything to protect her. He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to be there for her. No matter how bitter his lie would turn out.
Keiji scooped her up from the ground and carried her to her bed. She was so thin, lighter than before. When was the last time she ate? He placed her gently on the mattress and she turned her back towards him. Sara covered her face as she cried, unable to stop her body from trembling. He tried to touch her shoulder but she flinched away from him. Her despair so nakedly displayed, Sara couldn’t bear to be seen. His stomach churned. Not even able to reach out to comfort her, he couldn’t do anything at all. He could only watch.
Why? Why couldn’t he protect her?
‘Can you pick up something sweet?’
‘Strawberry Shortcake?’
‘Yes!! :3’
Keiji smiled at the string of texts. He couldn’t wait to tell her the good news. The case he and the old man had been working on for a month finally paid off, literally. Their finances would be in the clear for months. He wanted to surprise her with an actual cake from a proper bakery. The thought of her delight warmed his heart.
Standing in the entrance of a French cake shop, he looked over the pastries in the glass display until one finally caught his eye. A cute strawberry shortcake decorated with a rabbit made from buttercream frosting.
He had caught the cake in the window display plenty of times, but he couldn’t buy it then. With his inconsistent paychecks, buying a 5000 yen cake seemed an unnecessary luxury. However, knowing now that money was going to come in and that they’ll be set for a while, he’d bite the bullet. 5000 yen was honestly far less than she deserved. She took the brute force of their lifestyle, constantly worrying about their budget and talking to the landlord when he was away. Unable to go out and take her mind off things, she busied herself with small tasks and housework. Knowing it stressed her, he could only offer material solutions to cheer her up.
“See anything you like?” The lady behind the register asked cheerfully.
Keiji nodded and pointed to the rabbit cake in the glass display. “Yep. This one.”
Beaming, the cashier clapped her hands together. “Ah, our Very Berry Hare cake?”
He thought the name was ridiculous, but he hid his grin and confirmed. The workers had already started boxing it when he came up to the register.
“Either you have a big sweet tooth, or a certain lady is going to be really happy tonight.” She winked as she rang up the price.
Keiji shrugged and gave a lopsided smile, “I hope so, I want to surprise her.”
“She’ll love it! If not, then sorry, no returns. I can guarantee the taste though!”
Years ago, small conversations like this would have been difficult. He could get by now, but it was startling how much he’d adjusted.
They passed him a bright red box with a white bow tied around it. Holding it in his arms, he had to admit it looked special. His face flushed as he imagined her face lighting up at the sight of it. Seeing her happiness... He couldn’t wait to return home. The cashier left him with a practiced “Come again!” and he continued on his way home.
The sound of the bustling city was comforting. Thousands of people coming and going, too many to keep track of. Working for the detective agency, Keiji acknowledged that most of their cases were missing persons. Families that lost contact with sons or daughters, disappeared spouses… It was unfortunate how the city could chew someone up and spit them out so ruthlessly. Even now as Keiji walked through the streets, missing person reports lined poles and decorated street corners. He closed his eyes to them. He’d see more at work, but there was only so much he could do.
She had exhausted herself crying.
On one hand, he was relieved that she finally was sleeping after so long, but on the other, he knew that this was only a temporary measure. Once she woke up, she would be crushed with reality again. Keiji wanted to be there for her, but at the same time she would have been upset if he spent his time just watching over her like this. He debated with himself silently for a moment and finally sighed.
Getting up to leave as quietly as he could, Keiji let the door gently click shut behind him. He let out a long exhale and slid to the ground. What could he do? Was there any new piece of information that presented itself to him? Hidden locations? Tension between the floor masters? Was there anything he could exploit?
He couldn’t give up. He couldn’t.
Cases like these, sometimes, Keiji… You’ve just got to give them up.
Megumi had said as much, a lifetime ago. It was a case that should have been open and shut, but they couldn’t keep the murder suspect any longer in holding. Even though all logic pointed to him, there was no evidence to back it up, and there was no leads on how he could have committed murder and returned to work so quickly. Keiji remembered obsessing and pulling his hair out over it, but no dice. It was then that Megumi had squeezed one of his shoulders, and just told him to let it go.
Give it up…Keiji.
Laughter in his ears.
Pick your battles. Give up…
What about Reko and Q-taro? The two other adults were staunch allies, but their hearts were beaten down in fear. What about Gin and Kanna? They were only kids, brave and trying their best in a painful situation. They’ve been through so much in these past couple of days. It was cruel to make him go through the Main Game again and again.
Sometimes, it’s just what’s best.
And then where does that leave Sara? She was the Sage. If she had to vote again, if she had to witness someone close to her die again... Sara would probably give up and let herself die in the next Main Game. She hated to watch people suffer, and would suffer to take the burden off their hands. A cruel thought dawned on him.
At this point, she might just volunteer to be among the final candidates. If she was pushed into the final voting phase, there was no way that she was going to make it out alive. She would convince them that she was the only safe vote. They would vote for her, regretfully, but she’d be liberated by their votes. She would die with him.
Well, now I won’t be lonely...
Bile rushed up his throat, as he regretted his question to her back then. He didn’t want to die, and he sure as hell didn’t want Sara to die either. In her final moments, his lie would be all she had. She would suffer.
“You look extremely delicious. ” A voice cooed in his ears and he nearly jumped out of his skin. Looking up, Keiji saw the Laughing Doll crouched down to his level. Miley’s unsettling smirk spread ear to ear, almost like a Cheshire Cat. “I could just eat you up, ehehehe!”
Keiji frowned and straightened his posture, “Sorry, but isn’t there a hole you can die in?”
She laughed merrily, her hair bobbing up and down, “Ahaha! So mean! And here I came to give you some good news.”
He hesitated. “Good news?”
Miley rubbed her hands together ecstatically, “Yes, nothing pleases the game runners more than the hopelessness you feel right now. A cornered dog injured and abused. Growling, barking, and snarling at death. Heehee!”
“Well, ehehe, you can say they took pity on you.” She stood straight up, brushing imaginary dust off her dress, “Hell, even I can admit watching you almost made me cream myself. Nothing like seeing a grown man despair; it’s adorable~”
Keiji got up from the door and began stalking away, “Whatever it is, I’m not interested.”
Miley wrapped herself around his right arm, pressing her breasts as close as she could to him. He almost wanted to chew his arm off just to escape, but she only seemed to feed off his disgust.
“Even if it means giving up the one chance to protect that girl?” Her eyes were alight with malicious intent and his heart sunk so far down it fell to the soles of his feet, “We can do something special for the both of you. All you have to do is hear us out, and I promise you-”
“-You won’t want to pass it up.”
Keiji fumbled with his keys, trying to grapple them from his jacket without dropping the expensive cake. A difficult task. He didn’t want to put the box on the ground either. The pristine wrapping was a part of the experience, and the last thing he wanted was to dirty it up in any way. The more he fumbled, the more ridiculous he felt just standing outside of his apartment.
After just a few moments of his one-man show, the door swung open.
“Jeeze, you’d be here all day if you didn’t say anything!” She complained. He didn’t reply, mouth dry as he took in her appearance. She stood in front of him with nothing but his t-shirt on, the ends barely brushing the tops of her thighs. Her ruffled appearance suggested she probably just woke up from her afternoon naps, and hadn’t bothered to get dressed. The cool air of the indoor AC was released outside, but inside of him an aching heat started to grow. She doubletaked, looking at the red box and then back at him. “Keiji, you didn’t!”
Grabbing the red box from him, she instantly strode back inside. He blinked out of his brief deer-in-headlights stint, and followed suit. Closing the door behind him, Keiji hung his jacket on the rack and took off his shoes. He breathed in and out. The smell of home surrounded him, engulfing him. His pinched nerves loosened.
Their apartment was a mid-sized one, with a single bedroom and a balcony. Down the hall, the small kitchenette sat across from the living room. She placed the red box down on the coffee table, before about-facing and making a running leap into his arms. He dropped his briefcase and instantly caught her. She nuzzled into his neck, the soft curls of her hair tickling the underside of his chin. His throat was tight with some emotion he couldn’t express.
“I missed you Keiji.” She whispered, the upward curve of her lips pressed into his collarbone.
He let himself melt into her embrace and buried his nose into her hair. “I missed you too, Sara.” His fingers tightened around her waist, his heart throbbing painfully in his chest.
“Please vote for me...!”
With tears trickling down her face, Sara begged everyone for their votes. She was so tired, her hands were shaking irrepressibly. Her voice was hoarse from shouting. There was no other way. To save the others, she had to sacrifice herself.
The discussion had ended. Reko and Kanna were Commoners and Gin was the Keymaster. The rest of the votes were tied, which left her, Q-taro, and Keiji. She hated herself for not being able to lead the discussion where it needed to be. She tried to keep Keiji out of the final selection, but somehow Q-taro had convinced the others that the ex-cop was just as suspicious as her. This was the only thing she could do now.
“...Please vote for me...” With dark unfocused eyes, she put on a brave face.
She was scared. Terrified. She didn’t want to die.
“I...I’m a safe vote, I promise.” She gripped her shirt tightly, knuckles white, “If you vote for me, then no matter what, you guys will advance to the next round. You guys could find some way to break out of here.” She didn’t want to die.
“Big sis Sara!!!” Gin had started to cry in big hiccuping motions, “No way!! No way!! I don’t want you to be the Sage! You can’t be!!” His face-mask was wet with snot and tears.
“...S-Sara...I-I can’t…” Kanna shook her head in denial, shivering with the effort of holding back her sobs. She grasped what was going to happen earlier, and had been fearfully trying to find an alternative.
A sudden wave of affection for them broke over her, and Sara wiped her face. Gin had stopped his verbal tics; it must have been difficult for him this round. Kanna too, she’d been through so much. Her sister and now her, the two kids didn’t deserve anymore suffering. This game was too cruel to them. Why children? Why them? She felt more certain of her decision. She didn’t want to die, but it was what had to be done.
“God damn it, Sara!” Reko slammed her fist into the voting console. “You promised!”
It stung...It stung so much.
“You promised we wouldn’t have to kill anyone anymore!” The older woman cried out, her eyes red and swollen, dark streaks of makeup running down her cheeks. Reko was trying so hard to keep it together, but losing her brother and Nao had took its toll on her. She was tough, but she was still human. Out of all of them, maybe Reko wanted to hold onto hope the most. Reko gritted her teeth and pointed accusingly to Q-taro.
“You bastard!” She cursed, “I should have your head for what you put Gin through! And now Sara?! You piece of shit! If you’re the Sacrifice-!”
“I’m not!” Q-taro countered, “It has to be Sara or Keiji! Believe me!”
Sara shook her head, ponytail whipping back and forth, “I’m the Sage, I wouldn’t lie about that!” She bit her lip, “I-I just want you guys to live on!” She did. She wanted all of these people she had grown to love and cherish to survive. “Because, you’re all good people! It’s...It’s fine this way! Vote for me!” Even if it cost her life, that’d be a price she’d pay.
Sniffling, Gin dropped to the floor, unable to even stand. Kanna clung to her stand, desperately crying alongside of him. “I don’t wanna vote! I don’t want anyone to die!” Gin wept. With an unbearable look on her face, Kanna turned away and buried her face into her sleeves.
Sue Milely released a long peal of laughter, “Then you can all die, ahaha. No skin off my bones. I wouldn’t mind that at all.”
Sara shot her a glare, but that was when Keiji let out a deep sigh. Her heart froze.
His voice sounded so resigned. “You guys need Sara for the next round.” Rubbing the back of his neck, his comment cut through the group’s panic.
“No…” An unintentional rejection. The word dropped from her lips like a stone.
“Out of all of us, she’s the most trustworthy and least likely to be the Sacrifice.” He continued, voice burning with suppressed emotion. They caught each others eyes and she silently begged him to stop. He looked away. “Voting for Mr. Policeman here, that’d be another safe vote. Sara…it’s okay.”
“No… No…” Sara shook her head violently, “Stop! Keiji! Please!”
His smile was distant, some broiling mix of complex emotions. She couldn’t read his heart at all. Gently, he reached out, cupping her cheek, “I promised myself that I’d protect you.”
And it was time to vote.
Sara’s heart stopped dead in her chest. She couldn’t. She couldn’t go through it again. Not again...! She couldn’t protect Joe and now Keiji! Her mind raced and her heartbeat pounded in her veins.
“Please vote for me…” The blood rushing through her head was so loud she couldn’t hear herself speak. Her voice cracked. “P-Please…”
Sara voted for herself, stomach churning. She just wanted it to be over. She would be happy if it could just be over. A slight chill ran across her body when she realized what it would mean. She didn’t want to die. But still, at the same time she was just tired of running. It would be painful, but she could just stop.. No more doubting others. She could finally rest and see him…
Joe…I’m sorry…
“Miss Sara.” Sara almost snapped her neck, turning her head to the sound of Safalin’s voice. Standing in the corner, Safalin was holding a strange helmet in her hands. Was this how they were going to die this time around? Some new torment the floormasters cooked up? Safalin inclined her head, twisted mouth frowning. “The results are in, please look at the monitor.”
Blearily, Sara watched as the votes tallied themselves. Her portrait received a vote, her own in all likelihood. She exhaled. Keiji’s portrait received one vote and she sucked in a breath. Sara received her second vote with relief. But then Keiji received another vote, and then another, and then another, and another. The marks lined up neatly. One, two, three, four? Five? Five?! She couldn’t breath. Her lungs protested, but she couldn’t be bothered to pay them any attention. Five votes… That could only mean…
“Keiji, you bastard!” Howling in rage, Reko launched herself at him. “You just-! How could you-!”
Kanna closed her eyes, her tiny shoulders trembling. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it instead.
Gin had collapsed to the floor, his eyes vacant and staring forward at her. “Big..sis…? Mr. Policeman…?”
Miley threw her head back in gales of laughter. “Ahaha! Congratulations Sara~ Heehee! You get a special surprise.”
Safalin pulled her hat down, “The Keymaster was correctly guessed. It was Mr. Gin Ibushi...”
No…
“Miss Sara Chidouin was the Sage…”
No!
“And the winner of the Third Main Game, Mr. Keiji Shinogi was the… Sacrifice.”
No!!!
A hysterical scream erupted from Sara. He lied to her again! He lied! She trusted him and he lied to her again! Her exhaustion wasn’t an excuse, she didn’t even check to make sure he was a Commoner! And now! Now!
Unseeing, still partway disbelieving, and riding a wave of nausea, Sara heard heavy steps approach her. Only feeling the pain of Miley’s sharp fingernails digging into her shoulders, Sara was numb down to her core. Her stomach twisted and turned before bile forcibly rose up from her stomach and emptied itself onto the floor. The burn of the acid stung her esophagus, dripping from her mouth. Mustering up the strength to even wipe her face, was...beyond her.
“She puked! Yuck! Yuck!” Miley laughed, “You’re a disgusting pervert, Keiji! Ahaha! That’s why they chose you~”
Her mind wasn’t keeping up with the reality of the situation. She couldn’t stop dry-heaving. She couldn’t look at the man in front of her. He crouched down to her level and her limbs shook. She didn’t want this; she never wanted this. She never wanted to survive if it meant others dying and he knew that. He knew!
Some cold part of her brain noted that that must have been why he didn’t tell her he was the Sacrifice. Somewhere deeper, she teetered between relief and hatred. How dare he? How dare he try to save her when she was willing to give up her life! He sentenced the others to death so easily... But her body couldn’t help but feel relief, so much relief… She was sick…
Reaching out to her, Keiji wiped at her mouth with the back of his hand. The rough surfaces of his fingers were so warm as he touched her face. “Sara. I promise...It won’t hurt for long…”
Huh?
“You see, Sara Chidouin.” Sue Miley stooped down, her cheek brushing against hers, “This time around, we gave Keiji an incentive, something even he couldn’t refuse. If he won, not only do you both go free, but...you two will get to spend the rest of your lives together in bliss~”
“W-what?” Her eyes darted from a still-faced Keiji to Miley, who smirked coyly at her.
That was when she remembered Safalin. The Crying Doll still held the helmet firmly in her hand. The familiar helmet... And that was when Sara realized where she had seen it previously. The machine in the Medical Office. The one that could erase specific memories. The feeling jolted back into her limbs and she scrambled back.
“As per agreement, we’ll erase Sara Chidouin’s memory of this game and replace this with a more suitable memory.” Safalin spoke, “We can guarantee that the memories replaced will be to your liking.” Her distorted lips stretched into a smile.
Gazing at Sara for a long second, Keiji seemed to fix her figure in his eyes. She could sense his regret, the dark logic he validated himself with, the guilty satisfaction of surviving, and some deeper emotion she didn’t want to acknowledge. He nodded. Safalin lowered her eyes to the ground, before looking over at Miley. The Laughing Doll smiled down at Sara and Keiji beautifically.
“Your memories will be altered, and you won’t remember anything about this game. None of the pain or hardship...” She smiled, clasping her hands together, “Isn’t he such a romantic?”
Sara opened her mouth to protest, and choked. Her abused vocal chords couldn’t manage to squeeze out any sound.
Miley skipped over to Keiji and handed him something familiar. A familiar red switch. He took it carefully into his hands, gingerly holding it, and the doll whispered something into his ear. Spinning around, Miley cheerfully sat down in her chair again. “However, Sara Chidouin, you’re a strong girl, aren’t you? We’d have to break you properly to make you are susceptible to the machine. So please, enjoy this final attraction~”
Safalin grabbed Sara’s head and forced her to look towards the rest of the gang. Keiji closed his eyes once, something grim and cold settling on his face. Her damned accomplice held up the switch and pressed it. A mechanical voice started up. “The executions will now begin…”
Sara kicked and fought against Safalin, to no avail. She heard the beeping of the collars and the only thing she could do was scream. Her abused vocal chords tore and ripped, but she couldn’t stop. There was nothing else.
Her life was a good one, and honestly Sara had no room to complain.
At every turn, Keiji did his best to provide for her. When she wanted something he’d get it. Despite his protests, when she wanted to go out, they’d go. They may have been on the run, but Sara never lacked for anything. He was her protector, the only one that understood the horrors of the outside world. That was the one truth that Sara could blindly place her faith in.
He loved her. He wanted her to be happy. She didn’t even remember when they started this journey, but from the first moment they met, Sara instinctively knew she could place her life into his hands.
“I promise Sara, I’ll protect you no matter what.” The certainty in his eyes when he told her that, was like a contract. An oath. A vow. Whenever she felt unsure, confined to the apartment while she waited for Keiji to come home, those were the words she held onto. Even when she had begun to doubt herself, those were her only saving grace.
It started a few months back, the dreams, images and blurry whispers of memory. Names she swore she never heard of would come to her as she cooked dinner, and she would forget the stove and the kitchen and blankly stare off into the distance, only returning to herself when she smelled the pan burning.
Where did she hear the name Joe before? Gin? Kanna? She felt as if she should know them, a nagging urgent alarm in her head ringing whenever she remembered. But still, something within her told her that she should just quietly forget. At first, worried she was going crazy, she confronted Keiji about the hallucinations. Were they victims of her parents? Were they casualties of her escape? Her heart ached for these meaningless figures.
Quietly, Keiji had pulled her close into his chest and rubbed her back.“Don’t force yourself.” He had told her, “If it hurts to remember, you should just give up.” His voice was soft, almost as if he was talking to himself. “Because no matter what, I’ll be with you.”
That night he’d kissed her forehead and gently laid down with her until she drifted off to sleep. It was peaceful; Sara found a kind of solace in his arms, the deep sound of his breathing lulling her to blank dreams. It was only afterwards that the nightmares began in serious, as if her admission to Keiji was some sort of trigger. Faceless people, muffled voices, sprays of blood, and curdling screams. Unable to even fall asleep, she kept exhausted watch as Keiji slept, one hand tightly holding onto him as if the physical contact would send the visions away. Her confinement let her get away with her nighttime insomnia, as she tried to get rest in the day. The shadows under her eyes were maintained with her fitful naps, but her fatigue was getting to her. More and more, she jolted out of a detached state of mind, catching herself in some half-thought actions. It made her sick when she felt her body moving through habits that she couldn’t remember. She wore Keiji’s clothes more frequently, using them as a protective charm.
Her dissociative moments grew more frequent. One time, lost in a phantom of something dark and red, Sara had almost drowned in the bathtub. Keiji had saved her then, ripping her from her suffocating stupor right before she slid down the tub and suffocated. His large hand had been clamped around her arm, pulling her upwards out of the tub. He’d been in a desperate panic. One moment more and there would be water in her lungs. For days after, he looked at the finger-shaped bruises on her wrist with guilt. Sara just touched the marks and her breathing grew more steady.
Then little memories started returning to her. Sometimes she would remember small things like how she was in the kendo club in middle school, or a cafe that she used to frequent with friends. She didn’t tell these to Keiji; he had enough to worry about after all. Still, there was an underlying problem.
She never remembered anything about Keiji.
She searched through those memories but to no avail. He wasn’t there. Sara had no intention of doubting him; he had done so much for her. He kept her safe. The days they spent together were so warm. She loved him.
She didn’t know when she had begun to enjoy playing housewife, but it did seem to comfort Keiji as well. No matter what, she didn’t want their peaceful sweet life to end. So when she finally remembered Joe, she didn’t say anything.
Joe…
He was one of her high school classmates. A cheerful, ridiculous boy. ...Her best friend. She couldn’t say what had happened to him, but he meant a lot to her. As if guiding her along, his was a constant presence in her dreams. Her dreams grew soft and hazy, showing her days that they sat and talked about inane subjects, absurd competitions at the arcade after school with Ryoko handily beating them both, karaoke evenings where he embraced the cutesy anime opening songs she chose for him, singing his heart out in a cracking falsetto. The thought of him was a knife in her heart; it buried itself so deep that she didn’t dare try to pull it out. It made her sick when she thought about him, but she couldn’t stop. Forgetting such an important person seemed to be impossible, but somehow she had gone and done it anyway.
No matter how hard she tried to pretend that she was okay, guilt followed her. Sometimes, Keiji would study her, and she’d know that he saw right through her act. He never brought it up. It would only be a flash, but those moments, she sensed a familiar emotion in him, and within the concern, a darkness that she didn’t want to face.
Her worst episode yet happened when he had brought her that expensive strawberry shortcake. The first bite was deliciously moist; the cream melted on her tongue and a satisfying sweetness flooded her mouth. Then, it turned to dust.
“Hey Sara, you keep eating sweets like that and your teeth will rot!”
The sound of that crystal clear voice sent ripples of nausea through her. His face flashed before her eyes, his open-mouthed grin, the small dog keychain that he kept in his front pocket. The one that she gave him. The one that she… Her head felt as though someone was cracking it open. As if someone held an ice pick against her skull and just began to hammer it down. He… Joe… Joe wouldn’t go away…!
Keiji reached out to her, but she was only distantly aware of the fact. Worriedly he talked to her, but she could just hear white noise. His hands were heavy on her shoulders, but she could barely feel them.
Sara tried to push the memories back, but they flooded her. Crashing upon her like waves, she could only cling on to Keiji or risk being washed away completely. She didn’t want to ruin everything, she didn’t want to confront what the nightmares told her. She couldn’t. She won’t. She can’t!
Before long, her body gave up fighting it. She passed out.
When Sara came to, they were still there on the living room couch. Keiji’s arms were locked around her in an embrace, but he was fast asleep. His brow was slightly furrowed, even as the rest of his face was loose. Looking at the digital alarm clock, Sara sighed. 3 A.M. in the morning…
How long had she been out?
...That was the last thing she wanted to think about. Sara left small butterfly kisses on the tiny wrinkle on Keiji’s forehead, watching it fade as his expression smoothed over. She loved him. There’s no way she wouldn’t, not after everything he had done for her. So, it truly did feel wrong to doubt him.
But still, distrust settled like lead in her stomach. She couldn’t give him a hundred percent of her trust, and the fact that she was this kind of hateful person disgusted her. She couldn’t help but wonder about his motives, if there was something else he wanted from her.
Sara!
It hit her like a bolt. Evening stars dotted the sky, as she waited on the school grounds. Joe loitering outside of the school for her, having just left his first date with Ryoko. Her hidden relief that he was going to walk her home. Her stomach tossed and turned, and Sara extricated herself carefully from Keiji’s arms. Her legs wobbled under her own weight, but she just had to move, she couldn’t stay still.
She didn’t want to remember!
Sara, I’ll always have your back!
Stumbling from wall to wall, she made it out into the hallway. Everything was dizzying. The hole in her head gaped open, her brain throbbing in intense pulses. Joe’s shuttered expression, Joe’s grimace, Joe’s tense back. Why was she remembering this all now?
Sara held onto the wall for support. He was worried about something, terrified but grinning and bearing it. Sara scrambled to gain her footing. Outside. She needed to go outside. She couldn’t breathe. She made it to the door, fumbling with the locks, and staggered out. Where she was going, she didn’t know. She just had to move.
I love you, Sara! You’re my best friend!
Her knees gave out and she collapsed on the concrete below. She choked. Something had grasped her lungs and was squeezing them. The world wouldn’t stop spinning, wouldn’t stop shaking and tilting, and he wouldn’t get out of her head! She couldn’t remember it; she didn’t want to remember…!
She just wanted a peaceful life!
“Miss?” A voice called out from behind her. The shock brought her back to her senses, but then struck fear. She was outside having a panic attack and someone saw her. “Miss Sara Chidouin?”
Her head snapped up when she heard her name. An old man emerged from the shadows of the apartment complex, his face filled with concern. In his hand was a missing person report, and her eyes refocused immediately, seeing her face stare back at her from the pages. A missing person's report for her . Sara shot up from the ground, backing up from the man.
“Miss Sara, my name is Takashi, Seto Takashi.” Her head spun, but the familiar name instantly rung a bell. He was the head of the detective agency Keiji was working at. Her heart slammed into her chest. Why…? Almost like he read her mind, he continued soothingly, raising a placating hand, “I’ve heard from a few sources that a girl with your appearance was sighted near here a couple weeks ago. So I had staked this place out every night for the past week, and here you are.” His eyes softened. “You are indeed Miss Sara Chidouin, correct?”
Sara shook her head in denial, trembling and desperately wishing for Keiji. “...P-Please stay away from me!” The words came out like a squeak from a mouse.
Please don’t ruin their lives!
They were so happy!
She was happy!
“Miss Sara, your parents are so worried about you!” Mr. Takashi pressed as he neared her, “They’ve never gave up on you. They’ve been desperately looking for you everywhere.”
“You’re wrong...!” She got louder. He was lying through his teeth. Her parents were monsters, if they found her...! That’s why Keiji was protecting her! He’d sacrificed so much to keep her away from them...This was why she could stay locked up in the apartment. This was why she could patiently wait for his return home. This was why despite all her doubt, she cherished the life they had made together!
Big sis Sara!
No! She didn’t want to remember!
Yo, Sara! Don’t worry all by yourself!
She wasn’t worrying! She didn’t want to remember! She wanted them to stay away... A peaceful life, that's what they both strived for! That’s what they both wanted!
“You have people waiting for you back home.” Carefully, Mr. Takashi approached her, closing the distance, “Your mom, your dad, Miss Ryoko… your classmates and your teachers.... They all miss you, Miss Sara; all you have to do take my hand and we’ll go home. You don’t even have to explain yourself or whatever happened to---”
You murderer!
“I said stay away----”
Pop.
Mr. Takashi’s shoulder was violently knocked forward before she could finish. His body hit the ground hard and the old man released an ungodly groan as blood rapidly pooled below him. He pressed a hand to the bullet wound, trying to staunch the bleeding. When she looked up she saw Keiji. He held a gun firmly in his hands, now pointed down at the old man gripping his bloody shoulder.
Pointing a gun at someone makes my head go weird…
But there he was, focused and alert, eyes narrow and cold. His attention was purely on the detective sprawled out on the cement. He casually walked over to the old man. A complete and utter darkness had taken form in his face. Keiji towered over him, the gun in his hand equipped with a silencer. Mr. Takashi tremulously laughed and looked up at him.
“Keiji…” He gasped, “I didn’t want to believe it.” His breathing was ragged, wheezing. “It’s not too late, you can turn yourself in, and you can give her----”
Pop.
Takashi didn’t even finish his sentence before Keiji had pointed the gun to his chest and pulled the trigger. Then he pulled the trigger again, and again, each one a steady pop, until the gun clicked back in his hand. The old man’s abdomen was riddled with holes. Dead. Just like that. Why wasn’t she screaming in horror? Her mind was blank for the first time in a long while. The man she loved and trusted had just killed a man. And it was almost like she didn’t even care.
Wrapping the gun up, he tucked it away in his jacket pocket. “...Sara,” He called out to her, calm and resigned. “Sara, are you okay?” He took her hands in his, and she let herself collapse into his arms.
“I…” She couldn’t stop staring at the body.
“It’s okay, Sara. No one will bother us.” She was limp against him, unable to muster any strength. “I promised myself that I’d protect you.” He clutched at her desperately, as if looking to anchor himself onto her. “...I...I promised I’d protect you…’
The life that they had was fundamentally cracked. She was frightened, not of Keiji, but of herself. What her mind was trying to remember, that was what scared her. The only time she felt safe was in his arms. Their life together was what kept those deadly memories at bay. Together, together, together She refused to give it up. Even if it meant lying to herself.
Sara wrapped her arms around Keiji, fingers clenched into the fabric of his shirt.
For their peaceful life…
She’s willing to lie just a little longer.