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Who knew the afterlife would be like this? Hinata gazed inside, and he could see the Karasuno Gym. It was just as he remembered it. Well, the interior anyway. Inside, there was no one else but him. It was a lonelier place than he remembered. There wasn’t any player still learning how to spike or anyone still having trouble with receiving. It was too silent for a gym, and Hinata thought this was an odd sort of hell. He had what he wanted, but the essentials were gone. He gazed down at his jersey, and he wondered if he was supposed to be alone again.
Outside, there was a long list of people, and Hinata read the names every day. He could see the list shrinking every now and then. He thought it was supposed to be a list of people who would stay in this place with him. He had his hopes up at first, definitely eager to meet all these new people. Yes, it was morbid to think that they would have to die to come here, but at least Hinata wouldn’t have to throw the ball at the walls to imitate a toss. At least he would have someone to throw the ball towards him.
But, the list continued to shrink. He couldn’t tell why, wondering if it was because these people found their own source of happiness, changing the destination of their afterlife. For Hinata, his happiness had always been this place, being able to play for the Karasuno team. Yeah, he never made it to the actual team, but he still thought it was the best time of his life. And yet, he felt as though he were the only one.
He gazed at the newly shortened list, and he felt his heart clench. There were only four names on here so far. He wondered if it would shorten again.
There came a point when that list had no other name but his own, and Hinata thought he should go someplace else, find a different sort of happiness. But, just then, he saw a name appear, almost as though it had been there all along. He gazed at it curiously, and he gently traced a finger over that name.
“Kageyama Tobio.”
He could remember seeing that name often before, and he wondered if this was one person that still thought this place was happiness. Since then, Hinata promised himself he would make sure that name wouldn’t disappear again.
That’s when he decided he needed to see Kageyama Tobio.
It wasn’t too hard to find the other, but Kageyama was still a small child when he went. He gazed over curiously, watching as a small boy carefully touched a volleyball. He didn’t see how a child could see volleyball as happiness, and all this puzzled him. Until, he saw the soft toss. His eyes widened, and he felt himself grin a little. He tried to reach out, but he couldn’t touch the boy. Instead, he whispered softly, “Once more.”
The boy didn’t even seem to notice him.
Hinata followed the boy around, and he thought this was definitely better than staying at the gym all day. He liked seeing Kageyama play, especially, the way his upper lip pursed out, as though he were thinking up a storm. It made Hinata laugh sometimes. He watched as the boy set up the clothesline for a makeshift net, carefully focusing himself before he hit a serve. It wasn’t the best, but it was better than what most people could do at his age. And yet, Kageyama seemed frustrated. He licked his lips uncertainly, feeling worry. If Kageyama ended up not liking volleyball, then his name would disappear from that list. His name would be alone again.
He watched quietly as Kageyama hit the ball over and over, his brows furrowed and his hand growing redder with each hit. He felt himself wince a bit. He liked the feeling of hitting the ball, but even that came to a certain point before he felt more pain than excitement. He watched as Kageyama slumped, irritated as he wiped away his sweat. Hinata swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling nervous. Kageyama couldn’t quit now. That would mean Hinata would be alone. He braced himself, and then spoke a little louder than before.
“Don’t mind. Once more.”
He didn’t expect the small boy to gaze around. He didn’t expect the boy to hear him at all.
Since that time, Hinata encouraged Kageyama with every fiber of his being. He didn’t want Kageyama to quit on volleyball. And, with every encouragement, Kageyama got better and better. It was a sight that Hinata found amazing. Really, Kageyama was incredible.
Also, the small boy grew up quickly. He was taller than Hinata was, even, and that made Hinata a little jealous. Had he been as tall as Kageyama, he would have been a blocker at least. But, he tried not to think about that as Kageyama practiced with Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High’s volleyball team. He smiled instead, and every time Kageyama fumbled, Hinata braced himself.
“Don’t mind, once more.”
Kageyama was an obvious setter. Hinata could see it in him, the way his eyes seemed so focused during practice. Even his movements were quicker than ever, and it was a perfect way to avoid blockers. Hinata felt excitement as he watched, feeling as though he were the one receiving the tosses. Sometimes, he tried to hit it himself. One time, he felt compelled to yell out to Kageyama, to ask him to throw to him, to throw him a toss.
That’s when he knew he was getting caught up in all of this. He always saw the way Kageyama tossed, but those tosses were never for him. If Kageyama did ever go to the Karasuno gym that Hinata stayed, how was he so certain that Kageyama would even toss to him? He returned to his rightful place, throwing the ball at the wall as he pretended it was a toss just for him.
Even though Hinata stayed away for so long, Kageyama’s name was still on the list. He knew today was the final game to win the title of champion, and Hinata knew he should go to this one. He had avoided Kageyama for so long, and besides, he wanted to see Kageyama win. He stayed at the sidelines, grinning as he watched Kitagawa Daiichi fight for the deuce. He jumped up excitedly, even daring to linger near the court. He couldn’t help himself. He craved the idea of standing on the court, and now that he saw it so blatantly for him, he couldn’t help but take that opportunity.
He watched as the other team struggled to bring the ball over the net, hearing someone call out, “Free ball!” He grinned; his body crouched as he watched the ball fly. He saw Kunimi pass it towards Kageyama. This was his chance. Hinata gazed around, and he could see the other spiker, Kindaichi, ready to score. But, there were a lot of blockers there. There was no way the ball could go over that wall. Hinata felt his mouth part before he could stop himself, and he hurried towards the other end of the court to dodge the blockers, his eyes wide.
“Toss to me!”
And before he knew it, the ball was flying towards him. Hinata jumped as high as he could, aiming for the ball. But, the toss was too fast. Hinata couldn’t touch it, and he realized he wouldn’t ever be able to touch it. He couldn’t believe he did this. He watched as the ball bounced on this side of the court. He could hear a whistle being blown, and he gazed up at Kageyama.
He was certain Kageyama threw to him. This was a toss especially for him, and though he felt horrible, he felt a sort of hope bloom in his chest.
Someone tossed just for him.
Hinata wasn’t surprised when he saw Kageyama in Karasuno High. He was certain this is where Kageyama would be happy, and that meant Kageyama had to go here while he was still alive. He grinned as he watched Kageyama practice, and yet, he felt a sort of pain. Kageyama didn’t look very happy, and at the same time Hinata didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Perhaps, he had done something that made Kageyama hate him, hate volleyball. He really hoped that wasn’t the case. He wanted that toss again.
He watched as Kageyama served, smiling a little. He could remember when Kageyama was still a kid, hitting that clothesline every time. It made Hinata smile a little. And, when he saw Kageyama try to pinpoint a certain target, Hinata watched expectantly. He quietly rooted for him, and when the ball didn’t hit the desired area, Hinata heard himself speak.
“Don’t mind, don’t mind.”
He stiffened the words. It was habit after all those years, and he couldn’t bring himself to stop, he supposed. He watched with a nervous look, and he knew Kageyama heard him. After a long moment, he spoke again, this time his words a little more tentative than before.
“Toss to me.”
Hinata saw the only other the name on the list besides his own disappear when he went back to his happy place. It didn’t seem quite so happy anymore.
Kageyama’s name was gone from the list, and yet Hinata still followed him around. He was deluding himself, but it was nicer to be around someone than with none at all. He watched with Kageyama as Karasuno fell again, unable to beat Datekougyou High. Hinata had hoped that they would win the championship this time with Kageyama’s incredible toss, but Kageyama missed too many practices to be the official setter. Hinata thought that was a definite shame.
He could tell that if Kageyama set for the team, they might have a higher chance of winning, but Kageyama was never switched out. No one knew his good points, and they couldn’t risk anything. Hinata knew what it felt like to be left out, and he kept quiet with Kageyama.
As the game ended in an utter loss, Hinata followed Kageyama. The team was discouraged, but they would be able to try again. Kageyama didn’t look as though he wanted to try again, and Hinata felt his heart clench. He made Kageyama like this. He was certain of it. He kept close, and he placed a hand on Kageyama’s shoulder. His hand went right through, and he licked his lips before he decided that wasn’t the sort of comfort he could give him. So, he gave the pouting boy the only encouragement he knew.
“Don’t mind, Kageyama. Don’t mind.”
He didn’t talk for the rest of the day, returning home as he saw the list again. Still, Kageyama’s name did not return. Perhaps, Karasuno High’s gym was not his happy place.
Kageyama didn’t join the volleyball club next year, and Hinata felt disappointed. All that skill was going to waste. He licked his lips uncertainly, and then let out a soft sigh. He watched as Kageyama buried himself in work that really wasn’t worth his time. Hinata never saw Kageyama work himself like this, and he wished the other would go back to volleyball.
He knew there was no hope for another name to appear on that list, and yet he still followed Kageyama around. He wondered if he was just dependent, but whatever the case, Hinata followed. He didn’t ask for tosses anymore, since those tosses would never be for him anymore. But, at the same time, he still followed. As he walked with Kageyama, he noticed the familiar path. He used to get meat buns here when he was still on the team. After a long pause, he decided to speak again.
“We should get meat buns. Daichi-san always got meat buns after practice.”
When the other froze in his tracks, Hinata thought Kageyama would yell at him, say something mean. He almost craved it. Kageyama never spoke to him before, and just the thought of it was nice. Still, he kept quiet. He wondered if he said something wrong. He didn’t want to make Kageyama angry.
Then, Kageyama started walking again, and as if by magic, Kageyama stepped into Sakanoshita Store, buying meat buns. He watched as Kageyama bought two, and at first he thought the other was hungry enough to eat two. But, when Kageyama didn’t pull out the second one, his eyes widened. He felt tears sting at his eyes, and he quickly wiped them away before he took in a deep breath. He could smell the meat bun, and he let out a sound of satisfaction.
“You’re the best, Kageyama!”
He wasn’t able to physically eat it, but for once in his life, he felt as though he mattered. It was really nice to actually matter to someone.
Kageyama’s name appeared on the list after that.
“Toss to me. Please?”
Even after Karasuno High was a place of the past, Kageyama still wouldn’t touch a volleyball. He begged and begged, almost pestering him. Hinata wanted a toss especially for him, and if it wasn’t for a competition, then maybe Kageyama wouldn’t mind tossing it to him.
But, when Kageyama finally picked up a ball and led them to a nice park, Hinata grinned, and he crouched a little lower, bending his knees as he readied himself to jump. He saw the balls fly into the air before landing in Kageyama’s hands again. He grinned. He wanted that spike.
“Kageyama! Toss to me!”
And, immediately, the ball flew towards him. He jumped with all his might, and he hit the ball. At least, he thought he hit the ball. Though he couldn’t feel it, he felt his eyes widen. This toss had been special. This toss wasn’t a mistake or someone else’s. This toss had been especially for Hinata, and that made him ecstatic. Though the ball bounced on the ground a few times, Hinata gazed up. He felt his face brighten, and he immediately stood up for another.
“Don’t mind, don’t mind! Once more, Kageyama! Once more!”
He didn’t want the barrage of tosses to ever stop, and when he could barely speak from yelling, he gazed over at Kageyama. He was sweating, and he looked exhausted. And yet, Hinata didn’t think he saw Kageyama that content in a long time.
The volleyball team needed members like Kageyama, and many players would be able to match Kageyama’s quick tosses. And though it would have been a time for Kageyama to improve, to have someone to actually hit his tosses, Kageyama always refused their request. Though Hinata thought that was a foolish thing to do, he also felt relieved. Those tosses would only be for him, now, and that was a wonderful thought.
Despite it all, though, they still went to the games, cheering as hard as they possibly could. It was nice to hear Kageyama’s voice, and though the other never really spoke to him, it was just the best to see him so happy. When Kageyama lost himself to the game, it really was a beautiful thing to see. He was lucky he got to be so close.
“Nice receive!”
He cheered, happy that Kageyama was happy. Their team won, and that was amazing, but Kageyama’s excited smile was more than enough for Hinata. He did what he could to keep that grin on his face.
“Do you remember, Kageyama? The spike went like ‘gwah’ and ‘uryah.’ Right, Kageyama?”
Kageyama nodded, and it made Hinata smile. They got meat buns again, and thought they didn’t smell as great as the ones in Sakanoshita Store, they still seemed amazing. It was still mind-numbing that Kageyama bought extra meat buns just for him.
Hinata had thought that once Kageyama finished college, he would stop their ventures to the park, but if anything, they spent more time there than anywhere else. The convenience store was definitely convenient, because it gave Kageyama a nice schedule and free meat buns. Hinata loved that Kageyama still thought of him after all this time.
Kageyama’s name was still on the list.
Hinata didn’t notice that there was an odd man until he heard the gruff voice yell at Kageyama. Hinata froze when he saw the gun, and he couldn’t move. He couldn’t move when he saw Kageyama hand the thief the money, and he couldn’t move when he saw the thief pull the trigger. He could hear Kageyama gasping for air as he fell, and he was coughing violently.
Hinata finally found strength in his legs, and he stood up, desperately reaching for a phone that he could never touch. His heart clenched, and he tried to stop the bleeding to no avail. He couldn’t touch Kageyama. So, he did what he could to comfort him. He comforted Kageyama in the only way he could. He felt tears at his eyes, and he wept.
“Don’t mind, Kageyama. Don’t mind.”
Kageyama was coughing, and his body was shaking violently. Hinata tried to hold him close, but he couldn’t even touch Kageyama. He could do nothing to protect him. He couldn’t even save him.
He wished he could have stopped himself from asking for that toss so long ago so that Kageyama could still play. He wished he hadn’t got so caught up in all of this. He wished he spoke to Kageyama sooner. He wished he got Kageyama to speak to him when he still could. He wished he asked for one more toss yesterday.
Kageyama was fading, and Hinata didn’t know what to do. He felt his tears drip down his face, but none could touch Kageyama’s stiff body.
“Don’t mind. Don’t mind.”
Hinata remembered how he died.
He remembered how he sped off on his bike to practice, knowing he was late for the Golden Week training. He remembered not looking both ways as he sped on the street. He remembered feeling the harsh impact of metal against his skin. He remembered being barely conscious when he felt people’s voices around him, sirens. He remembered not being able feel a thing, assuming it was adrenaline. He remembered how he had bought meat buns for the team as a surprise. He remembered shutting his eyes, opening them to bright lights.
He watched with wary eyes as he stayed near the back. The usual crew brought Kageyama in, and Hinata was surprised that this was still Kageyama’s happy place. How? It just didn’t make sense to him. For Hinata, he had loved this gym, but for Kageyama, everything awful happened there. Hinata didn’t get it.
He watched as Kageyama woke up, gazing around dazedly as he gazed down at his jersey. Kageyama didn’t look happy, and Hinata thought that this was probably a mistake. He even saw Kageyama’s upper lips purse out, a signature look. Hinata thought that this was probably a mistake. There was no way Kageyama wanted to stay here.
When Kageyama stood, Hinata kept still, watching with wary eyes. He watched as Kageyama position the ball for a serve. Kageyama was really good at that. It made Hinata smile a little. He remembered how long it took for Kageyama to perfect this, and it made him happy. Hinata had been there all along as he perfected that. He watched the ball shoot out, flying over the net, and Hinata ran towards it. His feet were quick, and his lips were pulled into a small smile. He pulled out his hands to receive the ball, and he took in a deep breath.
“Nice serve, Kageyama!”
He felt the ball hit his forearms, and it bounced away. He was clumsy with receives, and he never really got anyone to help him perfect it. He was just awful at them. But, after a moment, he realized he hit Kageyama’s ball. It wasn’t a toss, but he hit it. Hinata bounced up excitedly, and he gazed over at Kageyama. The other looked surprised, almost shocked. Hinata, straightened up uncertainly, and he wasn’t sure if Kageyama was angry with him. He would be able to receive the ball better one day, he promised himself that. He quickly ran to retrieve the ball, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Maybe, Kageyama didn’t even want to see him. He took in a deep breath and braced himself, though, licking his lips before he held the ball out to Kageyama. He gazed up, his lips pulled into a tentative smile.
“Toss it to me? Once more?”
There was a small pause, and Hinata felt his eyes widen when Kageyama reached for the ball.
“Obviously, dumbass Hinata.”
He didn’t know how Kageyama knew his name, but that was something so minor. Hinata felt his eyes soften, and his lips pull into a wide grin as he laughed. Perhaps, Kageyama’s happy place wasn’t being in Karasuno gym. Perhaps, Kageyama’s happy place was being with him. Hinata couldn’t remember a time when Kageyama was smiling so happily. He wouldn’t ever be alone again.