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Ashton wanted to die and Luke knew it. He knew that his boyfriend was going to be dead one day when he woke up, and it scared the living hell out of him.
Ashton told him, he told Luke that he wasn’t going to be around much longer because he didn’t like living and he’d rather not feel anything at all.
When Luke asked Ashton if he didn’t love him, Ashton quickly told him that he loved Luke more than anyone in the world but if Luke let him go then he would know that he loved him back.
So that’s how Ashton manipulated Luke into letting him die, but Ashton knew that Luke loved him more than anything anyway.
Luke would spend all of his time with Ashton, he’d make him giggle and laugh so much that Luke wondered if he still wanted to die sometimes.
‘Are you still gonna leave, Ash?’ Luke would ask, whist cuddling the smaller boy in his arms.
‘Yes.’ Is all he’d reply, he didn’t even sound sad or scared. He sounded like he was talking about something that was normal, something that everybody did.
They cuddled into each other, curled up on the small loveseat and covered in duvets and half empty crisp packets whilst they watched film after film.
Luke would run his hand through Ashton’s hair, planting a lazy kiss on his lips every now and then.
Ashton giggled at Luke. ‘Stop it I’m trying to watch the film,’ He whined, pouting at Luke.
Luke just laughed, staring into his boyfriends eyes for a while.
How could someone so kind and beautiful want to die so badly?
Luke grabbed his face in both hands, planting small kisses over his face as the thought of what Ashton was going to do dawned on him.
‘Ash, please don’t leave me. I love you so much, please please please.’ Luke whispered, tears starting to well in his eyes.
What would he do without Ashton? How would he cope? He wouldn’t. Luke knew he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to live knowing that not only had Ashton killed himself, but that he himself knew about it and did nothing to stop it.
‘Lukey, please stop.’ Ashton whispered, closing his eyes, shaking his head slowly and letting out a sigh.
‘I’m going to do it Luke, I’m so fucking sorry.’
‘No Ashton, I don’t care if you think I don’t love you because I know that I do. I’m not letting you do it, I’m going to stop you no matter what it takes, Ash. Even if you end up hating me, I don’t care. I just want you to be here.’ Luke sobbed, his voice slowly turning into a barley audible whisper.
‘Luke no, you can try all you want but you wont stop me.’ Ashton let out a small laugh.
How could he be laughing? How could he be laughing about dying?
‘All that will happen is that I’ll be sadder than I am now because you wont let me do what I want. No matter how many therapists you take me to see, no matter how much you try I will still do it Luke.’ Ashton spoke, making Luke let out a louder sob.
He covered his mouth with his hand, clenching his eyes shut. How could Ash be saying this? Luke didn’t want to hear it anymore; He didn’t want to hear his boyfriend saying these things.
‘Shhh, Lukey stop crying.’ Ashton cooed, stroking the back of his neck.
‘You’re going to be fine, you are I promise you.’ Ashton reassured Luke.
But he knew. Ashton knew that Luke wouldn’t be okay when he was gone. Not only was he trying to reassure Luke, he was trying to reassure himself. Luke was the only reason that he was waiting so long, he didn’t want to ruin his life just yet.
Luke fell asleep, crying into Ashton’s shirt that night. Ashton comforted him, stroking his back and soothing him. Once he knew that Luke was asleep, he broke down. He silently let the tears fall from his eyes. Silently sobbing so that he didn’t wake his peaceful boyfriend.
The next morning Luke was relieved to see Ashton still cuddled by his side, because who new when Ashton was going to do it?
They ate breakfast together, laughing and giggling and kissing.
This is what Luke loved, mornings like this.
‘I’m gonna to get going baby,’ Ashton said standing from the table.
‘Okay, ill see you later yeah?’ Luke said, smiling at Ashton.
‘Goodbye.’ Ashton leaned down to kiss his cheek, before turning out and leaving.
Luke didn’t think much of it then, they’d had such a good morning.
He did not expect the phone call.
He dropped the phone, falling to his knees soon after, letting out a loud sob.
He felt so sick; he could feel the bile rising in his throat. The tears were already streaming down his face and he curled up on the floor, leaving the officer on the other end of the phone line.
He was gone. His love had left him; he’d left him feeling like shit. Ashton said that he’d be okay. Why wasn’t he okay? He thought about Ashton.
He thought about his face, his hazel eyes glistening and his loud giggle that could instantly make anyone feel 10 times better. He thought about his curly hair, the way it just sat on the top of his head and how it felt to run his hands through it.
Luke was never going to see this again, he was never going to be able to hear or touch or see his Ashton again.