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Chuuya made his way up to the roof as he did almost every night. The mafia headquarters was the tallest building in Yokohama, and he appreciated the view from the terrace, and the feeling that the night sky was so close, hanging dangerously over him.
It was nice and quiet, spending the night up there.
Usually.
"What the hell are you doing here!?", he groaned annoyed, as he saw the figure already occupying his spot, sitting on the edge of the roof, his legs hanging down and swinging back and forth.
Dazai didn't even bother to look at him, keeping his eyes cast downwards, looking at the city under them. "Why are you here, Chibi? Can't stay away from me even for a moment?"
Chuuya barely resisted the urge of pushing him off the roof (even if the words, despite the taunting tone of Dazai's voice, made his insides twist in a painful and annoying way, pushing Chuuya's mind in a direction that he had lately been doing his best to avoid).
"Fuck you, this is my spot, I didn't even know you were here", he said, sitting at a little distance from Dazai, hands behind him to sustain his weight as he looked up at the sky. "What are you doing here? Thinking about jumping?"
"As a matter of fact, yes".
In a way, he had been expecting that answer, and yet he couldn't help but being caught off guard, like he did every other time Dazai said something like that, and Chuuya was reminded of how little he valued his own life. It made him angry, made him want to kill him with his own hands just to make him understand how wrong he was.
Tearing his eyes away from the sky above him, he brought them back to Dazai, studying his profile, the way the moonlight played shadows on his features.
"I think it would be a nice way to kill myself".
"You suicide manic". Here it was again, the anger at the uncaring way Dazai talked about it. "How about I just kick you and see how it goes?"
"Stupid Chuuya, at that point it wouldn't be suicide anymore, would it?", Dazai replied, and for the first time he stopped looking down and turned to look at Chuuya.
Chuuya hated him. Hated how simply meeting his intense gaze made him feel, how he wanted Dazai to look at him, how he wanted his attention focused on himself and nothing else. He hated the effect Dazai had on him, hated how, in that moment, he couldn't help his heart from skipping a beat.
It would have been easier to look at the night sky hovering over them. And yet, Chuuya didn't look away.
"I think you don't really want to kill yourself".
"And what would you know about it, Chuuya?"
Chuuya could hear the hard edge in Dazai's words, the hint of accusation in his voice.
"You still haven't done it, and you've had plenty of chances", Chuuya said.
With his eyes still fixed on Dazai, he could see how his words took him by surprise. "You don't want to kill yourself, you just want to find a reason to live".
"Isn't that the same thing? If you can't find a reason to live, then what's the point?"
For a moment, it felt like Dazai was really waiting for an answer, waiting for Chuuya to tell him the answer to a question he had probably been asking himself for way too long.
How he wished he could give it to him.
"Then why don't you jump now?", he simply asked, instead, swallowing the lump in his throat.
He wasn't expecting the smile that Dazai gifted him.
"Would you stop me if I did?"
Chuuya would have liked to point out that answering a question with another question wasn't fair but he stopped. Because the way Dazai had asked that, the way he was looking at him, were enough to punch the air from Chuuya's lungs, enough to make him see that there was the ghost of something he had never noticed before when Dazai talked about killing himself. An hint of hope in his voice and his eyes, that told Chuuya that Dazai still hadn't completely given up yet, that he was still looking for a reason to live.
"Obviously", he said, still lost in the realization but remembering to answer Dazai's previous question.
"Why?", Dazai asked, tilting his head on the side and looking at Chuuya with curiosity in his eyes and a teasing smile on his lips.
As if you don't already know, you bastard.
"Would be a pain dealing with it, I don't want to be involved in your messes".
Dazai laughed at that, and not for the first time that night, Chuuya felt his heart skipping a beat.
"Just for that, naturally".
"Naturally", Chuuya repeated, mirroring Dazai's smile and knowing full well that they both could hear what the other wasn't saying out loud.
The nights sky was still shining upon them when Chuuya finally tore his eyes away from Dazai to look at it. He was almost surprised, almost felt like it was wrong that it was still there as it had always been, even when Chuuya's mind was suddenly upside down. And yet, it also felt like a reassurance.
He liked to go up there and look at the immensity of the universe. It made him feel small, insignificant and powerless, it made him forget for a while that there was a literal god trapped inside him.
"Are you looking for a shooting star to make a wish?", Dazai asked after a while, breaking the silence and taking Chuuya away from his thoughts.
For a moment, Chuuya had the - not really new - feeling that Dazai could read right through him, and that he had been following the paths of Chuuya's mind even without him saying anything.
Chuuya wasn't sure if he found that impressive or simply annoying.
"Didn't take you for such a romantic, Chibi".
"I could wish for you to finally shut the fuck up".
"That would be a waste of a wish - you should ask to be taller, even though I'm not sure even the stars can do anything about that".
"Fuck you", Chuuya said back, but more out of habit than anything else. He still couldn't get rid of the smile curving his lips. "What would you wish for, Dazai?", he added, honestly curious about the answer.
A pause, and this time the silence felt heavy.
"Nothing. It wouldn't come real anyway".
"Maybe it could", Chuuya replied, voice low and a pang in his chest.
And, as he looked at Dazai, at the way his eyes were now turned to the dark sky and not down on the road beneath them, as he remembered the the glint of hope shining in his eyes, Chuuya made his wish, and hoped it would come true.
~ ~ ~
The sky was the same. Despite everything that went down on Earth, despite the mess that went down in his life, Chuuya knew that he could always raise his head, look at the night sky, and it would always be the same.
Wishes don't come true anyway. The words seemed to echo in his mind, making fun of him, reminding him of the missing presence in his life.
He couldn't help but wonder, asking himself where he was, why had he left, why hadn't he told him. He couldn't help but let his mind wander on these now all too familiar paths, and feeling like he wanted nothing more than call upon Corruption and destroy even the sky itself.
And at the same time, amidst all those questions, there where others, woven together with the sour feeling of betrayal. Is he happy? Will we meet again?
Wishes don't come true anyway.
Maybe Dazai had been right, after all.
And yet, as he sat alone on the roof, eyes to sky and mind in whirl, Dazai's words swimming in his head making him feel like the biggest fool ever, Chuuya couldn't help it. He looked at the shining sky above him, and despite the lack of shooting stars, he made a wish.
He didn't know that somewhere, in the same city and under the same sky, someone else was doing the same.
~ ~ ~
Four years, an ocean of history and feelings between them, a different roof, and yet still the same sky.
And yet once again everything was different beneath it.
This time, Chuuya wasn't looking at the sky. His eyes turned up not to the stars, but to look at the person he was leaning on, mesmerized by the way the moon made him look almost ethereal under its light.
Dazai was looking up, his eyes scanning the sky, a soft smile on his lips, his expression relaxed in a way that had become familiar by now but that still never failed to make Chuuya's breath stop and butterflies flying in his stomach.
They were sitting comfortably on the roof of their shared home, cuddled against each other, Chuuya leaning on Dazai's chest, Dazai's arms around him, keeping him close. Their fingers were intertwined.
The same sky, and yet everything else was different.
"You know, you were wrong".
"Huh? I'm never wrong, Chuuya", Dazai replied, finally looking away from the stars and meeting Chuuya's eyes.
"Shut up, I'm serious", Chuuya said, rolling his eyes. "You were wrong", he repeated.
"About what?"
"Wishes do come true".
He could see the soft teasing expression in Dazai's eyes being replaced by an instant of confusion and then understanding and surprise as he remembered the night of many years before and the conversation they had had, under the same sky in another time.
"Do they?", Dazai asked, as the most beautiful smile spread on his lips, and Chuuya was sure he knew exactly what he had wished for.
"Yeah. Now you can try making one".
Dazai didn't answer, he just put a hand on Chuuya's cheek, caressing it softly, and moved so that he could lean in and kiss him.
Chuuya couldn't help but sigh contently as Dazai's lips fit against his, taking his breath away even with the softest of touches.
"I don't need a wish", Dazai murmured, still so close that his lips brushed against Chuuya's with every word, so close that Chuuya felt like he was speaking right into his soul. "I have everything I wish for right here".
Blushing, his heart hammering in his chest, Chuuya kissed him again, and thought that he too, couldn't wish for anything more than this.