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"Why are you home late?" Jiu's voice was stern.
"Unnie, I wasn't able to track the time. I'm sorry." Yoohyeon can't look at the fuming Jiu in front of her.
"Yoohyeon, it's 1 am! You didn't even leave a single message! We tried calling you yet you didn't even answer a single one!"
"Jiu, calm down." Bora tried to stop Jiu but the girl was nowhere near to calming down.
"Where's the responsibility in you? Huh?! We have training today! And I know you're not dumb to not know how dangerous it is to be alone outside at this fucking hour!"
"U-unnie..." Yoohyeon, for the first time, actually felt scared. Jiu was always strict when it comes to her, but this time it was different. Jiu never shouted at her.
"Kim Minji, I said calm down." Bora this time was worried for Yoohyeon and pissed at Jiu at the same time.
"Go to your room. I don't want this to happen again."
"I'm sorry, unnie." Yoohyeon apologized, pain evident on her eyes.
Hearing Yoohyeon's wavering voice, it had struck Jiu on how wrong the way she had acted. She felt her heart ache when she saw the same look Yoohyeon's eyes every time she scolds her, but this time her eyes were sadder.
"Y-yoohyeon..."
But it was too late, the youngest had already turned her back and quietly entered her room with Bora following her. Leaving Siyeon with Jiu. The oldest left the room lifelessly, swallowing the lump on her throat. She let herself sit down on the floor, hugging her knees. She can't properly breathe. The image of Yoohyeon tearing up flashes on her mind. She messed up again.
She shouldn't have burst her amger at the younger girl away yet what could she do. She was so worried and Jiu was bad at handling her emotions. She would rather deal with it herself than reach out to people. She grew up with the need to be independent and strong since she had no one to pick her up at times she would fall. And being the girls' unnie, she had to take responsibility of them, most of the time forgetting when to look after herself.
She knows Yoohyeon just wanted to enjoy. She can see how training stresses her. Yoohyeon, being the youngest and the newest of them, was still vulnerable to pressure and stress. And all she ever did was burst her frustrations on the girl.
"Are you alright?" Someone sits beside her and she felt herself near to breaking down.
"Is she alright? Is Bora with her?"
"Hmmm." Siyeon hummed, as she pulled Jiu into a hug.
"She might really think that I actually hate her. You know I don't, Singnie. I'm afraid she'll end up hating me."
"She doesn't and won't hate you, Jiu. Bora and I know you were trying. It was hard for us too before, remember. And we were able to let you open up. Just... just try to let her understand. And try to let her in. She'll be with us for the rest of the years. Yoohyeon is different from us. She might take things differently. We know you were just so worried. You care too much for her. We all know you just want to take care of her."
The irony of herself made Jiu sadly laugh. She cares for Yoohyeon so much. Even more that how she cares for her two other members. Care, is that even the right word. She doesn't know if she feels more. Everything are so new and it overwhelms her.
She want to take care of Yoohyeon. But Jiu doesn't know how to show it. Since she was a kid, she never let someone get attached to her and vice versa. As her parents spend most of their time on her younger brother, all she thought of was how to take care of herself and the responsibilities given to her. She never really cared for someone until the girls came.
Jiu admires Yoohyeon. A lot. She wanted to be close with the girl. The moment their manager introduced the new trainee, she felt excitement and nervousness at the same time. She's amazed by the younger girl's talents, also Yoohyeon's personality inspires her. Yoohyeon is a beautiful woman, inside out. Her simple smile cheers the leader up. Even with Yoohyeon's simple mistakes, all Jiu could see is she need to be there for Yoohyeon to help her. But Jiu isn't like Siyeon or Bora. She's not confident enough to do something for a person, afraid that she might do it in a wrong way.
"Can you please check on her? I... want to be alone for a while..."
Siyeon gave the leader a final hug, kissing the top of her head, before leaving.
It's true. She tried. But living that way for almost half of her life makes it hard to suddenly adjust to her new surroundings. She doesn't want to admit but she envy Sua and Siyeon on their closeness with Yoohyeon. Siyeon, given her younger age, made it easy to be close with their youngest.
Yet she gets jealous with Sua the most. Before Yoohyeon, Sua and Siyeon were on the same room but when the girl came they asked her to choose whom she want to be with. And since Sua was the most enthusiastic to welcome her, she chose the second eldest. Sua treats her like a little sister, making Yoohyeon more comfortable around her. Jiu feels jealous seeing how Yoohyeon always smile and enjoy when she's with Sua.
She let her tears flow as she was reminded how she failed once again on trying to get better. She'd never wanted to do something so much because of a person and it all changed when Yoohyeon came. She wanted to be better for Yoohyeon.
She wiped her tears and calmed herself down before going to the kitchen to prepare a glass of strawberry milk. She sat down on one of the stools and waited for a while. Soon, Sua appears with Siyeon trailing behind her. She couldn't look at Sua, she felt guilty on how she acted earlier.
"Don't worry, I understand." She felt an arm draped around her shoulders.
She looked up and saw Siyeon sitting in front of her while Sua stands beside her. She gave them a soft smile, feeling so grateful of having such good friends.
"Go on, I think she have calmed down." Sua rubs Jiu's arm, then moves to kiss the top of her head. Jiu just nodded, carefully holding the glass. She felt more guilty with the thought that Yoohyeon might have cried.
Jiu softly knock and Yoohyeon's soft voice was heard, "Come in...". Jiu deeply breathed in before turning the knob.
Jiu sees Yoohyeon lying on Sua's bed on the lower bunk with a blanket over her body. She gently placed the glass and sat beside the girl. Yoohyeon notices the presence and peeks. When she finally sees Jiu's face, she panicked and quickly sat up, accidentally bumping her head on one of the posts.
"Yah, careful." Jiu frowned, reaching for Yoohyeon's head to caress it.
"Unnie... w-why are you here? You s-should be resting... it's late." Jiu's heart clenched even more. Yoohyeon was always nice. Despite all the shouting she did at the girl, here she is still worrying about her.
"It's fine. I know I won't be able to sleep until I see you. I need to make sure you're fine... after what I did. And... also to, uhm.. apologize." Jiu tried to sound calm as much as possible. When in front of Yoohyeon, she doesn't want to show how weak she can become. But tonight she had to admit her mistakes.
"No, I should be the one to apologize. I was irresponsible. I'm sorry I made you mad, unnie."
"No, Yoohyeon. I know you just want to relieve stress. I... I've been too strict to you these days, adding to your pressure. I'm sorry I said hurtful words to you. Unnie was just so worried. I know you asked permission but I started to panic when it was getting late. We couldn't reach you. I was feeling so much when you came so I'd burst on you. Please don't think I hate you." Jiu said in one go. She never really told what's on her mind and she tried to do it for Yoohyeon.
"I'm sorry unnie. Sorry for worrying you. I won't do it again."
Yoohyeon was nervous. Jiu never talked to her regarding personal matters and she doesn't know how to act in front of the girl. It's usually just about trainings and schedules. Jiu was usually the busiest of them and was the most serious one.
Jiu was internally panicking. She'd never done this with her own initiative. Her hands were shaking and she had taken a few deep breaths, trying to compose herself. Yoohyeon can't see her cry.
"Please don't hate me. Please don't think that I don't like you." It was almost a whisper.
"I don't unnie. I love you. I'll never hate on you." Yoohyeon noticed Jiu shaking so she reached out for the girl's hands, caressing the back of it with her hand.
"It's fine unnie. Don't worry." She added.
Jiu almost wanted to cry. Yoohyeon's gesture felt so calming and not one has ever made her feel that way.
Jiu gently pulled her hand away from Yoohyeon so she could get the glass of strawberry milk.
"Drink this up and sleep. I know you're tired. You need to rest."
Yoohyeon smiled and happily took the glass. Jiu saw how the girl's eye lit up and she felt herself slowly calming down. Yoohyeon drank it in one go and smiled widely seeing that Jiu isn't shaking anymore.
"You should sleep. Good night, Yoohyeon."
Jiu looked at Yoohyeon. She couldn't leave. She wanted to hug the girl. She remembered how Yoohyeon's geture had calmed her earlier. Yet her mind's preventing her in doing so. She couldn't just suddenly act clingy and soft after all those strong fronts she showed. That's what she thought.
"Good night, unnie. You should rest too." Yoohyeon pouted, remembering that Jiu had stayed up this late because of her.
Seeing Yoohyeon becoming more comfortable, it makes her happy and scared at the same time. Happy, that Yoohyeon doesn't hate her and scared, that if she gets close, she could hurt Yoohyeon again.
Jiu cleared throat as she stands up. "Uh, I'll be going to my room now. We need to be at the company by 10 am, so take your rest." She didn't notice her tone getting slightly cold. Yoohyeon frowned at the sudden change of tone.
No, she couldn't hurt Yoohyeon. She won't let the girl suffer of being friends with someone like her. It's better this way, maybe. She'll be nicer and calmer with the younger girl. But won't hope for something more. Yoohyeon's too precious. And Jiu is someone who could hurt her.
Jiu found herself tearing up again as she slowly walks back to her room. She was almost there, she even made Yoohyeon smile, yet her own self was stopping her. She only wanted Yoohyeon to be happy and comfortable, yet here she is being someone who could ruin everything.
There on her room, Siyeon was waiting for her. She quickly went to the girl hugging her as she cries again. Siyeon had always been there for her but the girl was closer with Sua because of their humor. Siyeon was always there to listen though. Compared to Yoohyeon, Siyeon directly tells Jiu whenever she'd done something that hurt her.
"I couldn't do it, Siyeon. I can't let myself near her. I'll only hurt her."
"What are you saying? You won't, unnie."
"You know it's hard dealing with me. You know how I can be. Siyeon I've hurt you and Bora too a lot of times. You know it's tiring to be with me. I can't let her suffer too. I've already had enough of guilt of letting you in. You know me Siyeon."
"Yes, I know you. And you're a great person, unnie. You just don't see all the positive things you did for us. And Yoohyeon sees it too. Yoohyeon looks up to you so much. She wants to get close as much as you want to. She's just waiting. Yoohyeon isn't a kid, unnie. She could get hurt but she'll understand once she know all what you're really feeling. She won't put grudges on you. Trust me unnie. Trust Yoohyeon. She's a nice friend. You might even need her more that us, who knows. Get to know her. Think about yourself this time. Yoohyeon wants you to do that too. Trust me."
Siyeon might not always be the one who talks so much but once she gives advices, it just slaps Jiu back to her senses. Siyeon was right. She should help herself. And avoiding Yoohyeon won't do any good.
"Thank you, Singnie. Thank you for always being patient."
Siyeon tightened her hug. Soon, she heard Jiu's steady breathings. She let the leader lie down on her bed and decided just sleep on Jiu's bed instead.
◎◎◎
Jiu did what Siyeon said. Ever since that night, she tried to be more open. To be more approachable for Yoohyeon. It wasn't easy, but it felt good. As if it had lifted that heavy burden on her chest. And Siyeon was right. She might have needed Yoohyeon more than them. To her, Yoohyeon has become her home. Someone who could easily calm her down.
"Unnie! Look! I bought these plushies!"
Jiu smiled seeing the beaming Yoohyeon. The taller girl had a puppy and a bunny plushie on her arms. Yoohyeon propped herself beside Jiu and offered her the bunny one.
"For you."
"Yah..." Yoohyeon always spoiled her with things, yet she couldn't refuse. The way Yoohyeon smiles at her, she couldn't just ruin all that.
"It's for you, come on."
"Thank you Yoohyeonnie..."
Jiu quietly listened as Yoohyeon told her about her day. It was usually like this. Yoohyeon talking and Jiu listening, and it's always been comfortable. Jiu don't mind listening to the younger girl as long as she sees the bright smile the girl always had on her face.
"How about you, unnie? Are you alright today?" Yoohyeon carefully asked.
Yoohyeon had known most of Jiu's personality through time. Her struggle of building relationships with people. Her bad management of emotions. Yoohyeon always made sure she isn't neglecting Jiu's thoughts and feelings, to make surw to remind Jiu that her feelings are valid. As much as possible, she helps Jiu to express so she wouldn't bottle it all up inside.
"Today was fine. Tiring but surprisingly fine. The manager met me earlier and told me some news about a new trainee."
"A new trainee?" Yoohyeon's eyes lit up.
Had she told that Yoohyeon was always nice? And with that, meeting new people always excites her. Jiu suddenly felt a familiar feeling she thought she would never feel again. She then tightly hugged the plushie Yoohyeon gave as anxiety slowly fills her up.
"Hmm. She's around your age. We'll be meeting her this week." Yet again, how could she ruin something that makes Yoohyeon happy.
"Oh! I'm so excited to meet her!" Yoohyeon beamed.
Jiu tried to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings inside her. She can't keep Yoohyeon to herself yet she's afraid. She's afraid that Yoohyeon would be more comfortable with someone rather than her.
"I'm sure she'll like you, Yoohyeonnie. You're a good friend." And my best.
◎◎◎
She knows she could trust Yoohyeon. After Dami entered, of course, Yoohyeon and her had been exceptionally close because of the age. Still, Yoohyeon made sure to be always there for Jiu.
It had somehow made her forget all the negative thoughts she had. She cares for Dami, of course. Finally debuting as a group, she made sure that her personal problems wouldn't affect the group. Dami had always respected her and she's got nothing to worry about. Dami is a friend too.
Things were great. Although they had to redebut with two new members, it was fine for Jiu. She knew it wouldn't be easy again, but she'd become more confident now. The girls were nice and talented too. She know she'll be fine as long as Yoohyeon's beside her. Yoohyeon had done a very big help improving herself.
She became more confident on expressing herself. It feels good to show how much she loves her members. And most of all, she didn't fail this time. She didn't hurt Yoohyeon just like what she thought. She wasn't afraid anymore. To show how much the girl makes her happy.
Being a guest on Happiness Train was on of the most memorable moments Jiu had with Yoohyeon.
"Our Yoohyeonnie~" Jiu started, holding Yoohyeon's hands, she can't hide her smile. She felt happy to have a chance to say what she feels.
"Don't do something else!" The other members teased. It was such a good moment. Her members were all smiling and laughing.
"Ah, yes... what's this!" Yoohyeon wasn't used of hearing messages from Jiu so it excites her.
"Yoohyeon-ah... I'm sorry about the thing that happened during trainee years. Also, I'm so proud of you when you take care of your own difficulties... hearteu!" Jiu felt happier seeing Yoohyeon smiling at her.
"I'm happy that I found you in my life, that's for real. Let's always love each other more, comrade." She continued.
The girls squealed and even the two can't stop smiling. Jiu was happy to make Yoohyeon smile. She reminds herself to keep on showing her love for the girl. Yoohyeon deserves it.
◎◎◎
She'll be lying if she says she doesn't notice the glances and the blushes. Her heart aches, silently hoping that her assumptions wasn't true. Yet if it is, she can't still ruin it. If it's what makes Yoohyeon happy.
She could see it coming. After their promotion of 'What', she saw how Yoohyeon's behavior had changed. The time she's most afraid of had finally come.
"Unnie, I have something to tell you." Yoohyeon's face was slowly turning red. It's been a while since they had a talk like this.
"Hmmm? What is it Yoohyeonnie?"" She acted calm, smiling as she held the girl's hand.
"I... I like someone..."
No...
"I like Dami, unnie."
No, no. I'm hearing it wrong.
"I thought I really just admire her a lot. But when she looks at me, I always feel my heart beat faster. And you know we're practically like soulmates."
Soulmates...
"What should I do, unnie? It's hard especially when we're on the same group. And... I don't want to ruin our friendship. I can't lose her."
Jiu prevented herself from shaking. Not in front of Yoohyeon. She pulled the younger girl into a hug just so she wouldn't see the tears forming on Jiu's eyes.
"Don't worry, Yoohyeonnie. I'm sure Dami won't drop your friendship just because of that. And who knows if she likes you too."
She smiled bitterly on what she's about to say. But she had to.
"Try to tell her. If it goes well, I'll be the first one to congratulate you... and if it doesn't, I'll also be the first one to give you the biggest hug. I'll be here, Yoohyeonnie." She pulled away from the hug and moved to kiss Yoohyeon's forehead.
"Thank you, unnie... You're really the best!" There was Yoohyeon's smile. Her beautiful bright smile.
Jiu just smiled trying to ignore the pain she's feeling. She can't just take away that smile. Yoohyeon deserves to be loved and Dami can give it to her. She didn't have to struggle like what she experienced with Jiu. Dami had gladly let her enter ever since the first time they met.
"Take your rest, you little puppy. Good night." But before she could walk away, the younger girl pulled her into a hug.
"Thank you, unnie. Really. I love you."
"I love you too, Yoohyeon. I love you always."
◎
Jiu sadly watches as Yoohyeon drifts away. During their Piri promotion, she tried not to get too clingy letting Yoohyeon have her time with Dami. But on a break on one of their shoots on Fact in Star, she couldn't just take it anymore.
When Yoohyeon accidentally bumped on her and the girl quickly hugged her as an apology. Jiu hugged her back tight, wanting to whisper how much she misses Yoohyeon but her mouth kept mum. They stayed like that for a while until they both had to let go.
When she got the chance again, she hugged the younger girl from the back not even caring if Yoohyeon was moving too much. She just wanna feel Yoohyeon in her arms again. She had to let go again though since the staff were moving tables.
Going home, she kept thinking. If she told Yoohyeon what she felt, would it be better. Or she'll just make it hard for the girl. She wanted to laugh at her own thoughts. How much of a fool she could be. She knows Yoohyeon is happy and she wouldn't intervene.
She slumped her body on her bed right after a wash. She wanted to cry, her heart just aches so much. She felt her old self trying to kick back in again. Without Yoohyeon, she felt like there's no need again of being open with her feelings. After all, it was because of the girl that she had improved.
"Kwaenchanha?" She looked up and saw Siyeon peeking on her bed.
"Hmmm, just tired." No, she feels terrible.
"Take lots of rest. We can't get the best leader to get sick."
Jiu smiled at Siyeon. She knows that the girl knows what's going on her mind. She felt a slight guilt realizing she's kinda neglecting Siyeon.
"Thank you, Singnie. You should too. Good night."
"Good night unnie."
◎◎◎
She started to keep distance with Yoohyeon. She wouldn't try to interact unless the girl is really close to her. Most of the time, she just watches.
"Unnie! Minji unnie, guess what?"
"Hmm?"
"We're together now! Dami asked me to be her girlfriend and I said yes!"
Yoohyeon looks so happy. And somehow she found herself smiling. She'll be fine as long as Yoohyeon is fine. Yoohyeon is happy and she should be too.
"I'm happy for you Yoohyeon. I'm glad you two are fine."
"Thank you for supporting me, unnie. I love you like reallyyy! You care for me so much and I'm so thankful for that. Maybe without you I won't be still here. I would've given up."
"Now, now what's all with the drama." She draped an arm over the girl's shoulder and let Yoohyeon on her.
"I just felt like I've been spending too much time with Dami. I barely even spend time with my prettiest best friend!"
Yeah, best friend.
"Oh come on. That's fine. You're having your moments. You're happy. That's what matters with me Yoohyeon."
"But how are you though?"
"I'm fine." I'm fine... I'll be fine. "Promotions are tiring but seeing all of us loving and enjoying what we do makes it easier."
"Nothing else? Not having those attacks again?" Instinctively, Yoohyeon reached for Jiu's hand. Something she'd gotten used on doing so she could make sure Jiu is fine.
"Nothing else. I promise."
"Good." Yoohyeon beamed.
"Yoohyeon?" They turned to the door and saw Dami peaking through it.
"Unnie, I'll be going for a while. We'll just buy some snacks. Do you have any requests?"
She shook her head, her eyes on their intertwined hands. She watched as Yoohyeon slowly lets go of it. This is it, I guess. She smiled as she sees Yoohyeon reaching to hold Dami's hand.
Be happy, Yoohyeon. That's all I ever want.
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