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Have you ever killed someone you loved?
It was a question that James suspected everyone had an answer to. Surviving this long into the plague, having to do anything to survive, to protect the people you cared about, everyone would’ve taken a life at this point. But someone you loved?
He knew that broke even the strongest of people.
Yet, Clementine sat there, tapping her remaining leg against the stone step leading up to the school. It had been weeks since everything happened with the Delta. With Minerva and the bridge and her bite, but Clementine was strong. Stronger than anyone else that James had met. Even so, when their conversation turned to what they did in the past, that flash of grief came over her. That hardened expression faded and she looked like she was holding everything back as she muttered. “Remember back at your barn? The day I came to ask for your help rescuing my friends?”
“Yes. I do.”
“Lee wasn’t the last person I had to kill.” She paused, her hands clenching as they rest on top of her lap. “There were… so many others. People I hoped wouldn’t end up like him.”
Quickly, she wiped her eyes free from tears that threatened to fall. It was strange seeing her like this, so overcome with emotion when all this time James only saw the Clementine everyone else saw. Brave, mature, experienced. She knew how to survive, how to protect, but without her leg she was forced to rely on everyone else. And not only physically. With the strain her near death experience and losing her leg caused her, he found her seeking for comfort more often than not.
He just sat there and let her talk. Just like he did every other time she came to him. “I know that I didn’t kill some of them myself, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s my fault they died.”
“You can’t think like that, Clem.” James spoke up. Clementine seemed surprised at his response, like she was half expecting him to agree with her self-deprecation, but gave him a chance to explain anyway. “It’s hard to deal with that sort of pain. I know that well. But I don’t think you had much choice in half the things that happened. At least, not as much as you give yourself credit for.”
“But I’m still here. Even…” She trailed off, staring down at her stump just as James did as well. Without her hat on, her face was visible to see, and she seemed to have realised that as she looked away, no longer having the brim of her hat hiding her expressions from everyone else anymore. “Why did I survive when Lee didn’t? When he came to rescue me and told me why he cut off his arm, it should’ve saved him, but it didn’t.”
“Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to.”
“I know.” The conversation died there. With the stars twinkling above them, James took to watching them up above in silence. The smoke from the burning fire near the couches rolled upwards towards the skies, smoky blackness nearly invisible against the dark navy blue, and the warm glow washed over both survivors.
Soon enough, he heard Clementine groan in pain, looking back down to see her gripping near her stump. Quietly, almost uncertain given the tender subject, he muttered to her. “Your leg?”
“Yeah. The worst bit is when it itches, but I can’t fucking scratch it.” She confessed, wiggling it about while pointing out. “Doesn’t help when everyone keeps staring at it all the time.”
“They’re just worried. I guess we all are.”
“It gets a bit thin when Louis insists on carrying me up and down the stairs every day.” James had seen Louis do that before, surprised with the teenage boy’s strength. Yet again, Clementine was pretty light herself, but that was beside the point as she continued with a faint blush. “It was cute at first, but now it seems like everyone just sees the leg… or the lack of leg, actually. I even caught you doing it sometimes.”
He hadn’t realised that. Glancing away, he rubbed the side of his neck bashfully, unable to say anything in response while she mumbled. “There’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask you, anyway. Why… did you come back?”
That question stumped him, especially since he had been asking himself eversince that day the boat exploded. He could remember it all so clearly, as if it had only been yesterday, but he wasn’t proud of the person he acted. That whole mess in the cave haunted him. AJ’s cries for Clementine as James tried to drag him away from his carer, and how Clementine fought desperately even when it was clear she had no chance. He never wanted to resort to violence, he just wanted AJ to be safe and avoid growing up into a killer.
Just like he had.
When it became apparent Clementine and AJ wouldn’t budge on the subject, he lashed out, scared and angry and confused. If it was a kill or be killed world, then what was the actual point of it? Surviving day to day with children like AJ finding solutions at the barrel of a gun?
Next time you need help, ask someone else.
If he knew what would’ve happened after he left the others behind in that cave, he would’ve stayed. At least he hoped he would’ve. Looking back at it all, he could only really pin him finding that very bridge Clementine was on by accident, nothing noble in his intentions or anything. Without his mask or anything, he was forced to use guts to get through, finding no other way to get across the massive gap between mountains.
It was only when he heard yelling that he realised that there wasn’t just walkers on that bridge. It came even more of a surprise when he found Clementine battling with another girl; one that was taller and more skilled, sporting bright red hair that was almost as red as the blood that stained her clothes. Wielding an axe, he climbed over the truck blocking the way just in time to see the girl swing downwards, collapsing to her knees with the infection from her multiple walker bites was taking its toll.
He was too slow to stop it from slicing through Clementine’s leg, cutting through the leather boot and flesh like it was nothing. The scream of agony that came from her would stick with him forever. Collapsing backwards with her leg cut open, she was powerless as her attacker got back to her feet, dragging the axe behind her to finish the job. James had to do something. His hand found the knife he kept in his back pocket, but it began to shake violently when the reality of the situation hit him.
He had to do it.
She was going to kill Clementine.
Please, don’t make him take another life.
Clementine tried to get away, dragging her useless limb with her while reaching for the gun desperately. Fingertips grazed the weapon, but she couldn’t reach it in time to stop Minerva from splitting her in two with that axe. There was no time. He had to act. With his hand tightening around the handle of his knife, he ran forward and thrusted it forward, shutting his eyes tight when he felt the blade impact into Minerva’s back. The little gasp she gave, the feeling of blood running down and staining his hand crimson red, he gritted his teeth together and pulled back, stumbling off to the side so that he could get away.
“James?” She seemed just as surprised that he was there as James was himself. He tried to go to help her, but the fight was not over yet when Minerva body slammed him into the bridge.
Metal framework creaked loudly when he was slammed into it, the force behind the blow knocking the wind out of his lungs while he struggled to breath. One of her arms wedged itself against his neck, threatening to choke the life out of him as they both struggled for their life. The hand holding his knife was pinned by his head by her free hand, and despite his efforts, he couldn’t shake her off of him.
Sparks started to form in his vision, the corners of his vision fading to black as he slowly started to slip into unconsciousness. Louis had likely woken from Minerva slamming him into the side of the bridge, as James could hear his voice shouting over the thunderous sound of blood pounding through his ears. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t cry out for help, and with Clementine out of action with her injury, he wouldn’t have been able to rely on her to come to his aid anyway.
Suddenly, a gunshot echoed in his ears, and the pressure against his neck faded when Minerva backed off slightly. It took all his strength not to just collapse to his knees, rather James bending forward slightly while he tried to catch his breath. Panting softly, he looked up, seeing Minerva holding her bleeding side, blood staining the fabric of her coat and her fingers, before she tried to lift the axe she had abandoned before to finish Clementine off.
She had saved him.
Even after all he did, Clementine saved him.
Without thinking through, he rushed forward, slamming into Minerva again as he tried to stop her from getting to Clementine. From behind him, he could heard the injured survivor call out in panic. “James!”
While they struggled, the walkers had managed to climb over the truck blocking their way and shambled to where James and Minerva were struggled. If he didn’t think quick, the walkers would take both of them. So, without a second thought, he shoved Minerva violently backwards, taking a step back as she slammed into the truck. The noise drew their attention, and with widened eyes he watched as they descended on Minerva while she screamed out. “No, no! Fuck!”
“Minnie!” Tenn cried out, running towards his sister as Louis tried to go for him.
Pausing to look at the downed Clementine, he shook his head and ordered James. “Help Clementine across. I got Tenn.”
James couldn't move. Rather, he stood there, watching as Minerva tried to fight off the walkers that bit into her flesh, her cries of panic and agony ringing in his ears. He did that. Louis couldn’t even snap him out of it, his attention drawn to keeping Tenn from throwing himself to the walkers to rescue his sister. From behind James, he could heard Clementine cry out, snapping him out of his trance as he realised the severity of the situation. There was no time to break down.
So, he turned his attention to helping the teenage girl get over to safety. He hadn’t realised how bad the injury was until he saw it up close, his stomach churning at the sight of mangled flesh and exposed bone, but he swallowed back the bile rising up and helped Clementine to her feet, watching her grab the axe that Minnie had dropped before. The walkers were getting closer. He could hear their growls behind him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up as he looked at the sheer drop down below.
“You’ll have to jump without me.” He explained, letting Clementine go as he pulled out his last knife. Clementine seemed unsure, looking down and then over to James, before he pushed her to make a move. “Go. I’ll be right behind you.”
There was no time to argue, and she knew this as she threw her axe over and prepared herself to make the jump. Back to her, he saw walkers turning their attention to Louis and Tenn, leaving those devouring Minerva to stumble towards the other survivors. The hand holding his knife shook, James’ thoughts running wild before he bit the bullet and rushed one, driving the knife between the walker’s eyes to stop it from attacking Tenn.
He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Panting heavily, he turned and grabbed Tenn, finding it easier to pick him up than Louis did dragging him away. Arm wrapped around the kid’s waist, he hoisted him up off the ground and shouted. “Go, now!”
Louis didn’t need to be told twice, turning around and running for the gap while James tried to carry the frantic Tenn away from Minerva. He tried to wiggle away, crying out for his sister as she bled out on the bridge, and James tried to ignore it as he saw Louis jump over the gap. Walkers hot on his tail, he threw Tenn across with all his strength, relieved when he saw the child manage to grab onto the edge of the other side and, with Louis help, pull himself to safety.
They were safe. Thank God.
He couldn’t stand there and celebrate, however, as AJ aimed his gun and Clementine shouted in blind panic. “James, behind you!”
The only living being on the other side left, he was the sole target of the walkers. Before he could react, a walker lunged for him, ready to bite before AJ shot it. Old blood splattered on the side of his face, head spinning as he heard Clementine beg. “You gotta jump!”
Walkers reaching out to grab him, James jumped for the other side, avoiding the grasping fingers as a few unlucky walkers tumbled off the edge in their vain attempt to catch their food. Without a running jump, James came too short and felt his chest slam into the wooden floor of the bridge, gasping out in pain while hands scrambled for anything to grab hold off. Legs kicked out as he managed to hold on, finding Louis coming to his rescue thankfully. Pulling him up, he could hear the other survivor mutter. “Come on, man. I got you.”
With his help, James managed to climb up to safety.
Sitting there, panting for breath, he looked over his shoulder at the other side of the bridge. His skin crawled when he saw the walkers still digging into Minerva’s corpse. Someone who was once living, breathing, and he felt sick to the stomach at the thought that she had to die so that the others were safe. Did it mean that AJ was right back in the cave? Did Lilly have to die so that they could all be safe from her?
He didn’t want to believe it. But it was hard ignoring it when her blood stained his hand.
Staring at them, he listened as Clementine finally piped up. “James…”
“I…” He couldn’t stop the shaking. Louis kept kneeling beside him, staring at the hands with sympathy clear to see, and even some understanding. James couldn’t find the words to say. “I-I…”
Without saying anything, Clementine shuffled over as carefully as she could, wincing at the pain sparking up from her gaping wound in her leg, and wrapped her arms around him. James didn’t push her away, finding himself needing comfort from a friend at that moment. Even AJ took the moment to comfort him, walking over and hugging James while Clementine muttered to him. “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay.”
He believed her. If he had believed her when she talked to him back at the cave, he wondered how differently this all would’ve turned out.
“James?”
Her voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Glancing down at his hands again, he found the blood no longer there, long scrubbed clean, and took in a deep breath. Clementine had waited patiently for his answer, and he had thought through it carefully. “It wasn’t for anything noble.”
“Huh?”
“I didn’t come back to make up or because I was worried. I was only on that bridge by accident.” Clementine seemed hurt by the truth in his words, looking away as he continued. “But when I saw what had happened, what that girl was going to do, I…”
Clenching his fists, he tried desperately to stop the shaking with the memory flooding back. He didn’t want to remember it. It made him sick to his stomach, his skin crawl as he swore he could feel the warm blood run down his hands. Frustrated with being unable to stop the shaking, he sighed and looked away from them and Clementine, rather staring ahead. “I had to stop it.”
“I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren't there. With Tenn and Louis, it… it scares me to think of something happening to them.” Clementine confessed, placing a hand on James’ shoulder. When he brought himself to look at her once more, he was surprised to see a warm smile on her face. “Thank you.”
“I don’t think I’d be so grateful. After everything I said about you letting AJ become a killer, how I tried to take him away from you, and then… I killed someone. When I tried so hard not to repeat my past mistakes.”
“Minerva was trying to kill us, James. If I didn’t take that shot, you wouldn’t be here, and if you hadn’t stabbed her when you did, it wouldn’t have ended well.” She explained.
He understood her reasoning behind it, but that didn’t mean that twisting knot in his gut disappeared. At least he could be content with the idea that she didn’t bear any ill will towards him for what happened in the cave. He wasn’t sure he would’ve been as forgiving or understanding if the roles had been reversed. Slowly, he placed a hand on top of hers, finding a small comfort in the gesture, and nodded in response. “Thank you. For being there, at least.”
“You’re welcome.” Finally, she took her hand back and sat there with a smile on her face, enjoying the peace and quiet that the night gave.
James copied her, leaning forward with his arms resting on his thighs. With the soft breeze blowing through the courtyard, he took in a breath of fresh air and exhaled with a small smile, watching the kids go about having fun before they had to settle down for the night. He didn’t know how much he missed being around other people, even when he was in the Whisperers. Never had he saw anyone in his old group smile or have fun, rather all of them fixated on survival and making sure they were strong enough to do so.
With the boarding school kids, he didn’t feel that, and they didn’t expect him to do anything that the Whisperers did. It was a new chance, and even if he couldn’t get over what he had to do to make sure they were all safe, he was certain the others would be there for him when he fell.
That they would stand by him even when that bright light inside him burnt out.