Chapter Text
Levi wondered what exactly had made him agree to be Erwin Smith’s sexual experiment. He tried to blame it on Hange, who had continued to tell him he should, ‘just go for it’ one night over drinks. Unfortunately, Levi wasn’t nearly intoxicated enough then to use it as a reasonable excuse.
Nana and Mike were dancing while Moblit fetched new drinks, when Hange leaned over, greasy hair sticking out of the messy ponytail - good that they were at the approximate only location where oily hair and sweaty bodies were not socially inacceptable. Even Nana’s hair looked wet, from Levi’s position in their booth, as she rubbed her body to Mike’s in the crowd. The repetitive beat of the music echoed in his ears as Hange crawled halfway across their table to yell at him. The scent of their body far too severe for the fact that they were the only one in the group who had not ventured onto the dance floor yet – despite Moblit’s allusions.
“So what?” Hange just couldn’t let it go.
Levi regretted telling them at all.
“You’re telling me you would agree?” He raised his eyebrows at them.
“To have sex with Erwin?”
They had lost Erwin about ten minutes before as he had made his way through the crowd to the petite brunette at the bar, who had been glancing over ever since they’d arrived. Levi looked over to the bar, his eyes identifying the broad backside of the blond man within seconds, spotting him like a moth focused on the light in a dark room. Fair enough, he was still speaking to the brunette, her eyes glimmering up at the taller man.
Levi knew from the way their groups nights out usually went that either one of them would get a text within the next fifteen minutes that Erwin had left with her, or he’d come back with a new number in his phone, the normally well-combed hair ruffled and a touch of someone else’s scent all over himself – just enough so that even those who didn’t have a nose like Mike could detect it.
“In any other circumstances?” Hange ripped Levi out of his thoughts. “No, definitely not. But Erwin’s also not really my type, and he didn’t ask me. So, if I were you and this admittedly very attractive, good friend of mine had asked me if I were interested to sleep with him so that he could gain a sense of understanding over his sexuality? Yeah, I think I’d say yes. If not just for the sake of helping someone you care for, then do it because he’s hot.”
Levi didn’t respond, but glanced down to the remaining bit of alcohol that he swirled around in his glass. Hange, ever so persistent, caught the change in his demeanor immediately, tilting their head to the side, a cocky grin on their lips.
“Unless there is something else you don’t want to risk? Another thing that keeps you back?”
Their voice dipped lower, quieter.
“Erwin is pretty straightforward about things in general, and we both know that he’s not the kind of person who would propose something of that caliber without having it thought through properly beforehand. He’s sure about this.”
Hange leaned back in their seat.
“I’m just saying. If you’re really just friends, it shouldn’t be a problem.”
Levi downed the rest of his drink, setting the glass back on the table with a light thud. Hange was way too good at this. The grin on their face broadened when Levi looked up at them. They knew exactly what they were doing.
“And to be frank, you’ve slept with far worse people.”
*
They hadn’t even started yet. Nothing was set, he could still simply say, ‘No, sorry’ and leave the apartment again. Leave before it would get too messy.
The friendship’s ruined anyways, Levi told himself as he sat down on the far-left end of Erwin’s couch. It felt more comfortable here, closer to the door, further away from the spot Levi knew Erwin would take once he came back out of the kitchen. The living room itself looked like it always did, maybe a little bit neater than on the average day, but aside from the cleanliness that screamed just a bit of trying too hard, everything was normal. Levi could smell the acrid scent of the sanitizer in the air that he had gotten Erwin a year ago, when he’d first rented the place.
He could not remember ever having smelt that odor in Erwin’s apartment before.
The couch cushions were arranged thoughtfully, the blankets folded nicely and the table in front of Levi’s knees wiped clean, free from any old coffee stains.
Erwin must’ve panicked.
Levi liked the thought.
He heard the other man rummaging around in the kitchen, not saying a word. On usual days he would’ve talked about work, rushing through the boring stuff, dragging out pauses when telling funny anecdotes. Not today though.
Glancing everywhere but the open kitchen area where Erwin’s broad figure leaned over the small tea maker, Levi noticed how the light was slightly dimmed – probably by accident, maybe out of convenience.
Tea doesn’t take this long.
After another ridiculous two minutes, Erwin stepped out of the kitchen and handed Levi one of the steaming mugs, avoiding any eye contact.
‘If he had changed his mind, he could just say so?’
Levi sure as hell wouldn’t be mad about it.
“So,” Erwin sat down next to Levi.
“So?”
This silence was definitely worse than not speaking at all, especially, when he knew that whatever Erwin was going to say next, this wouldn’t end well.
“Where do you want to do this?”
*
“Come on, it’s not like you’re a virgin.”
Levi couldn’t believe he was having this conversation.
“No, but – I mean…I’ve never…not like that.”
Erwin sounded desperate, his voice wavering and there was a haunted look in his eyes, as if he wasn’t so sure Levi wouldn’t just jump out of his skin and slice Erwin’s throat. Right then, the idea didn’t sound so ridiculous to Levi.
“So, you’d rather have a meltdown in front of me -”
“Only because I know you would never judge me.”
“You forget -” Levi took a breath to steady himself, “- Erwin. If we fuck this up -”
“- and if we don’t? What if it goes well?”
Yeah well, it’s not like Levi could just say that he was more scared of that. Knowing what it could be like, knowing just how good – he’d never be able to go back, and Erwin?
Maybe it should just go badly. Maybe Erwin wouldn’t like it either way.
*
The bedroom wasn’t as clean as the living room. While the bed was made, there were a lot of wrinkles in the sheets and the duvet that looked exactly like they did on any other day. Back in the barracks Erwin would have had to run extra laps for that kind of untidiness. Books and forms were stacked on the nightstand, a small layer of dust covering them and there were some unfolded jackets and pullovers piled on the armchair next to his dresser.
Erwin closed the door behind them.
No kissing, no undressing one another, but more awkward silence.
Fantastic.
And Levi couldn’t even blame anyone else for it. He didn’t know what he’d been thinking. How had he thought this was going to go? Maybe he should have let Erwin kiss him, just to ease the tension? He couldn’t start doing it now, the air was already loaded enough with uncertainty. It would freak Erwin out, he’d freak himself out and if he liked it – which he was sure of - the entire thing would inflame and turn into a burning mess quicker than he already anticipated. Erwin lifted his shirt, flexing the muscles in his torso when he pulled the fabric over his head, and Levi realized that he’d never seen anything more interesting than the crisscross pattern that was stitched on the duvet.
This was going great.
Levi couldn’t even endure as much as one look at Erwin’s body from a respectable distance without wanting to scream - and for this to go even halfway as planned, he’d have to get a lot closer. Worse than that, Erwin seemed to be blissfully unaware, shedding his socks and jeans off while the subject of his little sexual experiment continued to inspect the bedding. Those sheets were either going to have the night of their lives, resulting in their discarding the next morning, or they’d turn into the witness of the slaughtering of Erwin Smith’s and Levi Ackerman’s friendship as well as their respective pride. While Levi busied himself thinking about all the ways he could end up ruining those sheets, Erwin had stripped down to his briefs, and was just looking over at the smaller man, who was still fully clothed.
“Levi?”
Did his goddamn voice have to be that soft? Levi would have preferred it, if they had stayed in the awkward-zone. Erwin didn’t look half as nervous as he had when they were sitting on the couch just minutes ago, contemplating whether or not they should go into the bedroom right away. Figures, Levi thought, that this ass had to be more confident when almost all of his body was on open display.
His broad chest, the ripped abs and defined legs. The trail of fine blond hairs down from his navel into the elastic band of the briefs that matched those on his arms and legs. The protruding veins on his forearm and the calloused hands with the long fingers. He had seen it all before, in the changing rooms just outside the barracks, when they had stripped off their sweaty clothes in the evenings after a long day in the desert and now whenever they went to swim together.
Levi had kind of hoped that Erwin would be insecure about the whole thing. That once they’d reach the ‘almost naked’ point, he’d start to get shaky, would fumble around and not know how to initiate anything.
This was not what Levi had agreed to do. He’d thought they were going to undress at the same time, not having to awkwardly stand around watching each other, he didn’t think he was going to be the one getting anxious.
This was just sex.
Levi did this. A lot.
He knew what to do, knew what he liked, knew how to make others like it, and now? He couldn’t move a fucking inch, mesmerized by the way Erwin just looked at him, all kindness and patience pouring out of his eyes. Levi wanted to punch him, or himself, or run.
Running was probably going to be it, he decided once Erwin stepped forward close enough so that Levi could feel the warmth of his body, smell the fair scent of his skin and – oh, this feels nice – yes, running it would be.
“Levi.” The soft tone in Erwin’s voice did it, he just had to look up.
“We don’t have to do this, if you’re – if you changed your mind.”
‘If I’m nervous’, Levi thought.
‘Why would I be nervous? You aren’t?’
“I didn’t change my mind. Did you?”
Erwin looked down, tracing Levi’s jawline with his eyes.
“No.”
Levi hadn’t wanted it, not like this, but he let Erwin slide his hands under his shirt anyways, warm, gentle fingertips moving up over his torso, burning marks into Levi’s skin. He let Erwin throw the shirt onto the floor somewhere in the room, usually Levi would have folded it. He let Erwin draw his fingertips over his chest while Levi waited for a flicker of realization or anything to cross over the other man’s features that would show he understood that he was about to fuck another man. He waited for Erwin to draw back, looking half appalled, half apologetic. He waited when Erwin moved his fingers down over Levi’s abs and started to trace the lines of his hipbones. He waited when Erwin palmed Levi’s already far too hard dick through the front of his jeans. Waited when all Erwin did was look up into his eyes again and took a small step closer.
He stopped waiting then.
When Levi had imagined how this was going to go, it went down to a definitive picture. He’d have the nervous Erwin sit on the bed, his back leaned on the headboard, hopefully with a semi-hard dick. He’d crawl onto Erwin’s lap, let him look at Levi, maybe rub their dicks together, if it didn’t creep him out while Levi would open himself up. He would, probably, ride Erwin and maybe – maybe – suck his dick beforehand, even though he rarely liked to do that. Erwin would come, if Levi did it right, he knew Erwin would, and maybe Levi would too.
His delusional self had believed it would be better if he didn’t come. That it could save him from getting utterly destroyed on an emotional basis, and he could get out of there with his heart still somewhat intact.
He hadn’t, however, planned for Erwin to suck his dick. He hadn’t wanted to lie down on his back, hadn’t wanted Erwin to crawl over him and lick over Levi’s body like he’d done that a fucking thousand times before. For a second, Levi guessed – when his mind was still working – that this was the part that was close enough to what Erwin would have done with a woman, that this was the same, and then he’d started sucking Levi’s dick, and all the thoughts crashed down.
Erwin had lied. He must have.
There was no fucking way in hell he wouldn’t hesitate on his first try, no way he wouldn’t be doubtful of doing this, no fucking way that he would be that good without any practice. Levi had to practically drag Erwin off by his hair or he would have come within seconds of the other man going down on him - and that was so not the plan, it was anything but. The only thing that went remotely close to his imagination was Levi opening himself up. He didn’t let Erwin – couldn’t, not after everything. But Erwin watched. The entire time. His hands gently rubbed over Levi’s thighs, making him shiver while he stretched himself open on three of his fingers, and Levi hated how raw he must’ve looked. How vulnerable. Hated how the desire that was written all over Erwin’s face, his dilated pupils, his slightly open mouth, the blush that traced down over his pectorals, made Levi feel. He hated everything. He hated himself. Hated how his body convulsed when Erwin touched Levi’s dick again, started to rub him off. How he moaned at the sight of Erwin rolling the condom over his dick. How he let Erwin carefully roll him onto his side, how he let Erwin hold him when he entered the smaller man from behind.
How Erwin felt.
How Levi wanted him.
This wasn’t a quick fuck. Erwin was slow, and careful, angling his hips so that he found Levi’s prostate, making him whimper.
Levi Ackerman did not fucking whimper. Not for anyone.
“So pretty.” Erwin’s voice slurred, and Levi just wanted to wrap the sheets around his head until they would suffocate him.
“So beautiful. God, Levi. I can’t even -” Erwin thrusted quicker, hitting that spot over and over again and Levi could do nothing but cave in. Every bit of restraint crumbling down, he turned his face fully into the pillow, hoping Erwin wouldn’t see.
Erwin’s strong arm circled around Levi’s waist, holding onto his chest so tenderly, Levi could feel his breath on the back of his neck, huffed out in strangled moans and he just wanted to pull him off, leave the embrace before it could crush him and flee. Erwin slipped his legs in between Levi’s, angling his hips before pushing into Levi even deeper with a low moan.
Levi clenched his fingers into Erwin’s arm. Holding on with as much strength as he could muster, trying to keep Erwin as close as possible.
Who was he kidding? He was already ruined.
Leave. Run. Now.
Stay. Let him. Don’t stop.
He could hear himself whisper Erwin’s name in a mixture of yelps and moans, over and over again into the pillow.
Broad fingers moved up over his throat, felt out his pulse point, gently dug themselves into the short hair on the back of Levi’s head, holding onto him with so much softness Levi didn’t know whether or not he should cry or punch the other man away.
Erwin caressed his neck, his chest, held him when Levi finally came, shuddering and digging his nails into Erwin’s arm while he cried into the pillow. Erwin just held him, didn’t slow down, but traced his other hand gently through the wet strands of Levi’s hair, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. He came only moments later, face still buried between Levi’s shoulder and neck, panting against his skin and thrusting hard. His arm was still tightly wrapped around Levi’s chest.
*
“Okay, ground rules”, because Levi had needed them. It was the evening before, and Levi knew if he didn’t do it now, he probably wouldn’t say it at all.
“No kissing, I don’t care if you think you need it, I’m not gonna do it. No is no, I know you wouldn’t do anything I don’t want, but still, just so I’ve said it. This is quit pro quo though. I respect your boundaries, you respect mine and we’re both fine.”
“Nice rhyme -” Erwin interrupted, his grin swallowed down after he caught Levi’s expression.
“I don’t cuddle, not while not after, so I’ll most likely just get up and leave. Don’t act surprised or hurt or any of that shit when I leave. And if you hate it, if you freak out halfway through, don’t blame it on me.”
Erwin’s eyes remained focused, his expression open but neutral. Like it didn’t faze him at all.
“Okay. I promise I won’t cross any of your lines.”
Levi nodded. “Do you have anything you don’t want me to do?”
Erwin looked to the side, thick brows creasing together.
“No. At least I don’t think so. I haven’t done this with another man before so I don’t really know if there’ll be anything, maybe I’ll notice something I don’t like once we start?”
“Fine. Just say it. If anything comes up.”
Erwin nodded.
*
Levi was still curled away from Erwin, who must have rolled onto his back since the warmth of his body was gone. The heat hadn’t vanished from Levi’s skin though, but had spread out, making the air feel heavy around them.
From the way the other man breathed, Levi knew that there was a smile on his face. It was the same way of breathing he usually heard after they had a hard training session.
Erwin was quietly laughing on the other side of the bed while Levi felt like his entire upper body had just been smashed together by a massive hand, the crushed ribs rupturing his lungs, impaling his heart.
So that’s what it feels like.
Levi clenched his teeth together when he felt the wetness starting to creep down his cheek. This was not what it was supposed to be like. They were friends. He’d done this for a friend and that was it. Erwin did not feel this way. Erwin did not want him like this. He never would.
It was just a favor between friends. Levi had helped him. Helped his friend find out if he did enjoy sleeping with other men.
“That was – “, Erwin laughed out, making the bed shift underneath his weight.
“I didn’t even know – “, his voice still hoarse, strained from all the noises he’d made. Levi sat up, careful not to let Erwin see the tremble that went from his shoulders down to his hands.
“God.”
Levi had to say something, now. Otherwise Erwin would ask what was wrong. He would immediately know and Levi would be doomed. But despite all the effort he’d invested to train a nonchalant expression onto his face over the years of being confined in unfamiliar ‘homes’, with people he didn’t like, who would have ripped him to shreds once he’d show any emotion, he knew one look at Erwin at that moment and any façade would crumble away.
Levi couldn’t look.
So, he just made sure to keep his face hidden when he got off the bed and started putting his clothes back on. Erwin was still laughing softly.
Once he slipped into his shoes, his hands had almost stopped trembling.
The one time Levi did glance over at Erwin with a trained cold expression on his face, which Levi was fairly proud of, he saw Erwin laid back on his bed, arms spread out, cheeks, neck and chest colored in a light blush, a glaze shimmering in his eyes. It burned itself into Levi’s memory.
‘Great, that’ll never go away again.’
Levi turned back around, pissed at himself for wanting to see.
“I’m gonna go.” He managed to say, as if it wasn’t obvious, at the bedroom door, the doorknob cold in hand, and his back turned to Erwin.
The bedsheets ruffled, and for a second – just a second - Levi thought Erwin would get up, step up close to him, let him feel the warmth of his body again, maybe hold him like he’d done only minutes ago, maybe kiss him –
“Alright.” The bed shifted again, but there was no sound of feet hitting the floor.
Levi would deny it later, but his heart plummeted.
“We’re fine though, right?” Erwin sounded calmer now, but there was the slightest weave in his voice that told Levi that maybe he wasn’t so sure either.
“Yeah.”
*
It was two weeks later that Levi watched a small guy rub himself at Erwin in the middle of the dance floor. Two weeks later that Levi watched how Erwin pulled him in one of the darker corners of the room. Two weeks later that he had to avert his eyes once Erwin let his hands slide through the man’s dark locks. That he knew, rather than saw, when they left together.
What he saw though was the way Hange glanced at him all throughout the night.
*
The evening that Erwin had his first date with some guy he had met during one of their nights out, Levi went out, found himself some broad-shouldered, tall guy whose face he erased from his memory immediately after, pulled him into one of the restroom stalls of the bar in hopes of making himself forget everything else.
He’d left the bar about twenty minutes later, threw the napkin with the phone number into the next garbage bin, and walked over to the subway station, aching in more than just one place.
*
Another few of their group’s nights out, browsing through various of their favorite bars, Levi pointedly ignored Erwin whenever he left their table.
He also ignored the simultaneous stare of Hange.
Once this seemed to turn into the state of default, Levi found himself at his doctor’s office, doing over hours, or being sick the next couple of weekends. Evading any worried or persistent calls of his friends. His apartment needed a deep cleaning either way, and once he’d went through all the rooms, he rearranged the kitchen, living room, and his bookshelves.
Becoming more and more creative with the various excuses for the first worried, later slightly annoyed sounding texts from his friends. He was ditching them on the nights out and stopped caring how blatantly obvious he tried to avoid having to watch Erwin with any other man. He knew they all knew. He didn’t care. The only important thing was that Erwin did not know. And judging from the way he behaved, the sort of texts Levi received, informing him how unfamiliar certain things were, how good others felt, asking for advice, Erwin could not have known.
If he did, he would be nothing but cruel. And that was not him.
One particular night Erwin somehow thought it was fine to give Levi a full-on description of what he had just done with this one small guy, lacking any shame or embarrassment over the blatant way he was speaking of his experiences while being completely oblivious to the way Levi’s responses got shorter by the minute, before he stopped replying at all.
Worst of all, when Levi spent his evenings curled in on himself on the couch, the tv show nothing but background noise to the way his imagination forced him to picture what exactly was most likely happening a few blocks further south in Erwin’s bedroom, on those same – hopefully washed – sheets and the pillow he was pretty sure he had torn when he had bit into it, he couldn’t even blame Erwin. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for the way he felt. Being dead inside would be better, more merciful. Kinder to the heart, Levi thought.
Like most of his nights, once he lied in his bed, he pretended that he couldn’t feel the wetness on his cheeks.