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“Hey there, stranger.” Draco looked up. It was Ellis, his first muggle friend and old bar tending colleague. She looked a lot older than last time they had met, despite her pink hair. “You okay?”
“Sort of. I just don’t know why it’s still so hard for me to come back here.” Draco stared into his apple juice, willing his eyes to stay dry and failing. This pub had offered him his first decent job. It hadn’t been much, just a few shifts a week with poor tips, but it had been proper work. By the book work, with taxes and paychecks and everything. The day he got that phone call was the day he regained a little bit of hope that life just might be worth living. “I used to be so happy here. It was my safe haven.”
“It was your safe haven when the rest of your life was utter shit.” Ellis came to sit next to him and put an arm around his shoulders. “It reminds you of your brief, blissfully safe breaks between all the work you had to do, but it can’t do that without also bringing back the memories of what you were trying to escape.”
“It was the start of things getting better.” A tear rolled down his cheeks and he caught it with a beer mat. He stared at the stain it left for a few minutes before breaking the silence. “This place gave me my hope back.”
He still couldn’t quite believe that this dingy old pub was the place Harry gathered with his friends. They’d picked it at random after the usual Auror place had gotten too crowded, mere months after Draco had left. Ellis had been serving the golden trio and everyone who came with it for years and he hadn’t even known.
As soon as he found out, he knew he had to visit the place on his own before he could face it with his friends. His boyfriend. Their relationship was new, but he wouldn’t call it fragile. Harry had been back in his life for years, flirting with Draco for the most of it, though he hadn’t caught on to that fact until very recently.
He was still scared what Harry would say if he found out about his past though. Not the fact that he was a Death Eater, but everything that came after that. It was easy to take advantage of a teenage boy kicked out onto the streets, especially when he knew nothing about muggles.
Luckily, or unluckily, depending how you looked at it, Draco had his looks and accent working for him. He was worth money. Money that didn’t end up in his pockets, especially not in the beginning, but at least he’d been warm and somewhat well fed. Not safe though. Never safe. Men were animals, and Draco didn’t understand how he still managed to fancy them. It was as if you lost your humanity once you were paid goods. Not a person, but a doll.
Those early years had been the worst. He’d managed to escape some of it when a dodgy strip club owner noticed he could dance. A less dodgy strip club owner had seen that too, and Draco had optimistically left his old lodgings. Only he found himself back on the streets again after shifts, because he struggled so much to make ends meet. Once caught in the act in the back alley he got fired from his job and was forced to come crawling back to his old place. He didn’t know where else to go. This was the only thing he knew how to do.
But just as he hit rock bottom, he’d walked past this pub. Bar staff asked. Experience not required. Somehow he managed to work the job unnoticed by his landlord slash boss. After that, things began to look up. He found cheaper lodgings, more pubs who needed staff, and this time when he quit, he didn’t have to look back ever again.
He didn’t think he’d ever go back to any parts of his old life. Ten years after his exile, his sentence ended and he was allowed back into magical Britain. Immediately he was scouted by the newfound Muggle Integration Department from the ministry of magic, founded by none other than Arthur Weasley and now run by Dennis Creevey. Life had really started looking up after that.
“Don’t you think that these aren’t sad tears then?” Draco was pulled out of his thoughts when Ellis spoke again. “Maybe you’re relieved, because remembering your past life reminds you that you don’t live like that anymore. You moved on to better things.”
“I did.” I just hope those better things don’t move on from me when they find out about my past. But he kept that thought to himself. Thinking about losing Harry was already bad enough, he didn’t want to say it out loud as well.
“Draco, you’re here!” Harry climbed out of the booth as soon as he caught sight of Draco and wrapped him up in a warm hug. Draco was glad it only lasted half a second, otherwise he might have cried. His trip down memory lane from the night before had left him shaken, and to say he was emotionally stable was a big fat lie. “Please, sit down, I’ll fetch you something to drink.”
Draco smiled in reply and obeyed Harry’s words. He didn’t think he could speak right now and he wasn’t keen on trying. Harry’s friends seemed to take his silence as a sign of nervousness about meeting them all again and left him alone for the most part. He didn’t know if that was better or worse, because it just made him realise that he hadn’t even thought about being nervous to see them. There were too many other things on his mind.
“Oh surely I can’t be the only one thinking Puddlemere will win this year.” Ginny Weasley had retired from quidditch a few years ago, but that didn’t stop her from loudly discussing it with her brother. Draco hadn’t paid much attention to them, until suddenly his name was used. “Anyone with half a brain can see that, right Malfoy? You’re about the only person at this table with more than two brain cells and a quidditch interest.”
Draco gulped. “Eh, Puddlemere’s good. They stand a chance at the very least.”
Merlin, his voice sounded like shit, and he wasn’t the only one who noticed that. Harry shot him a concerned look and Neville and Hermione stopped talking at once, soon followed by Dean, Seamus and Luna.
“Are you feeling alright, Draco?” Luna asked when all chatter had died away. “Your energy is quite dark.”
“I’m fine.” He scraped his throat a couple of times before he spoke again. Harry squeezed his hand under the table, and the gesture brought tears to his eyes. This had been bound to happen at some point, but it didn’t mean he had to like it. “It’s just, I used to work here, and I wasn’t in a very good place at the time. It just brings back memories.”
Harry squeezed his hand again, and Ron tactfully said something about the Channons winning the world cup, after which the debates and chatter soon came back. Harry didn’t participate though. He just kept looking at Draco, never once letting go of his hand. It made Draco feel quite antsy. Back when he and Harry had been just friends, he’d been on the verge of telling him a few times. Now that they were dating though, Draco was scared Harry would run for the door once he found out.
Hi Harry I was fucked by hundreds of men for money, because I was kicked out of the magical world for being a Death Eater and I didn’t know how else to survive. Also, the reason I don’t drink alcohol anymore now is because I’ve often tried to drink myself to death since my life was a living hell. Pass me my apple juice, will you?
That sounded like it would go over very well.
“I’m going to the lav,” he murmured to no one in particular before pulling his hand free from Harry’s and climbing out of the booth. He needed cold water in his face and a moment of peace and quiet.
Draco sat down on the cold tiled floor once the door to the bathroom fell shut. It wasn’t a very private place to have a breakdown, but for now the place was empty and the cold of the walls helped keep him sane for the most part. He started counting the tiles between the floor and the sink, trying his best to distract his mind from everything else. It didn’t really help.
“Draco, are you-,” Harry entered and looked around for a moment before he spotted him. “Fuck, Draco, are you alright?”
Draco moved away from Harry when he tried to reach out for him. He wanted nothing more than to be held, to be understood and loved and not judged for something that had never felt like a choice. But becoming a Death Eater had felt like the same non-choice as his later career had been, and he couldn’t expect Harry to forgive him for both. If he showed weakness now and Harry would reject him after getting to know the truth, his departure would just hurt more.
“I’m sorry. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to.” Harry looked ashen as he sat on the floor next to him. “But if there is anything I can do to help, anything at all, just tell me. Please. I hate seeing you hurt like this. And if this is because of your past, if you’re scared my friends are judging you because of your mark, I can assure you that they don’t. You’ve changed so much, none of them even dislike you right now, even though Ron won’t say that out loud.”
Draco let out a humourless chuckle. No, the Gryffindors had put their hand over their heart when it came to his dark mark, but he doubted they would do so again when they found out their best friend was dating a common street whore. And then he choked out a sob, because even after five years of having a proper job he still didn’t feel any better than his lowest moment in life.
“Does this have to do with this place? Did something happen here?” Harry was a lot more perceptive than people gave him credit for sometimes. And he clearly had a lot of self restraint, given that he looked like his only desire in life was hugging Draco, yet he still stayed where he was. “We can leave if that’s the case, or if it isn’t. Whatever you want. I can call someone if you like? I promise I won’t be mad. And you don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but if you do I promise I won’t judge. Please, just say something.”
Draco knew Harry was rambling because seeing him like this made him panic, but his words still seemed genuine. Merlin, but it would be nice if they actually were genuine. Draco had never properly dated anyone before. He couldn’t say he had close friends either. He’d tried to reconnect with Pansy and Blaise but after everything that had happened it just didn’t work out. He’d changed too much. And his colleagues liked him alright, but it wasn’t really anything proper.
It was probably because he never told anyone about his past. The only one who knew was his mother, and the pity in her eyes each time she looked at him had permanently screwed up their relationship. He still feared it would do the same if he told Harry. But not telling Pansy and Blaise had ruined that relationship too.
“Draco…” Harry shifted his weight but didn’t move closer. He was ever the gentleman. “Please.”
Draco squeezed his eyes shut. He was screwed either way. Which meant that he might as well get a hug out of it.
He reached out to Harry and had the man wrapped around him within seconds. “It’s not the job I had here.” His voice was soft and slightly muffled in the crook of Harry’s neck. He inhaled his scent deeply one last time, enjoying the moment while it lasted. “It’s the job I had before. It felt like taking the Dark Mark all over again. Like the only choice I had.”
Harry pulled him even closer as Draco tried to gather enough courage to keep talking.
“I sold myself so I could eat. It’s the only thing I knew I could do. My father spoke about it each time I disappointed him, like some kind of threat. But there was a lot that I didn’t know and it took me years to stop being used like that and find a proper job.” Harry had frozen in his arms, and now pulled back with a look of horror on his face. Draco swallowed, and forced himself to keep talking. “At twenty six, this was my first proper job. Before that I was a prostitute, but for the work I did that sounds like too nice a term.”
Harry’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head, he looked so shocked. Horrified. Disgusted. Or at least that’s what Draco thought until Harry suddenly pulled him close again. “I always figured something dark had happened in your past, I just never dared to think it might be this.” Harry whispered against his neck. “But that’s not a shameful thing. You fought to stay alive harder than anyone I know. That’s something to be proud of, Draco. I am so proud of you.”
Draco was baffled. That was not the response he thought he’d get. Quite the opposite, in fact. He remained baffled and silent as Harry excused them to his friends, walked them outside and apparated them to his flat. It wasn’t until after Draco’s third cup of milky tea and the wrapping of several blankets around him, that he began to talk. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“I can’t imagine it’s an easy thing to tell.”
“You can break this off if you want to. I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Why would I leave the bravest man I know?”
“I’m not brave.”
“You survived. I say that’s brave.”
“I just did what I had to do.”
“And sometimes that’s the hardest thing of all.” Harry sat closer to him and put an arm around his shoulder. “I have no idea what you must have gone through, Draco. But just know that I admire you for it. This isn’t something to be ashamed about. It just makes me love you more.”
Draco stilled, and looked at Harry. “You love me?”
Harry nodded, a whole lot of insecurity but not a smidge of doubt on his face. “I’ve loved you for a while now. But it’s okay if you don’t say it back. I know it’s soon, and if you feel like you need space from me just say the word, but I figured after the day you’ve had you’d like to hear something nice.”
Draco quietly watched Harry’s face. His eyes were so green, so alive, he didn’t understand how this man could love him when he still felt like a shell of his past self. But apparently, Harry could. “Harry, I think I’ve loved you for years.”
“You have?” Harry sounded even more surprised than Draco felt, and before Draco could think too much about it he pulled Harry into a hug. And then Harry whispered into his neck, “I can’t believe I have you in my life.”
“Well you better start believing it.” Draco replied as he draped his blankets over Harry as well. “Because I wasn’t planning on leaving any time soon.”