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Juliana didn’t drink. But some days could only end at the bottom of a bottle.
Juliana’s life had never been easy. She grew up at the mercy of cruel men and unforgiving circumstances. Growing up she learned to live with her life. She learned to survive and she accepted that her life would never be anything more than that. This was her lot in life. Inherited from her parents the burden now rested on her shoulders. It may not have been pleasant, but it was certain.
Then she met Valentina.
Ever since Juliana layed eyes on Valentina nothing had been simple. Valentina made her feel in a way she never had before. Easily breaking through Juliana’s tough exterior with those beautiful blue eyes and open heart. With Valentina life didn’t seem so bleak. Things she never even thought to hope for now seemed within reach. But nothing gold can stay.
Just as Juliana had found happiness one moment at a time she lost it. Every good thing slowly being drowned out by doubt and tragedy. Juliana tried to so hard to be strong. Fighting for her happiness, for Valentina. But not all fights can be won.
All she wanted was to be with Valentina. Instead she found herself on some boys couch with a bottle of mezcal.
Sergio chatted away as he poured shots. Juliana didn’t really care what he had to say. Even as he handed her a shot Sergio didn’t seem to notice she wasn’t really there. He just kept talking without saying a thing.
Taking the shot and then another Juliana tried to quiet her mind. Maybe if she drank enough she would find the answers she needed. But after each shot she only found an empty glass.
As Sergio was pouring another round one of the bedroom doors opened.
“Hey Rae. Want one?” Sergio asked, offering one of the shots to his roommate.
“I’m good.”
Rae glanced at Juliana on their way to the fridge and gave her a quick ‘hey’. Juliana responded with a hollow hi that gave Rae pause. Between Sergio and his friend Lucho’s parties Rae had seen all sorts of girls come through the apartment, but none of them had looked so broken and lost.
“This is my friend Juliana,” Sergio told Rae, “I’ve told you about her.”
Rae gave him a little nod as they went back to making dinner.
“She’s going to crash her for a bit, okay?”
“Sure, whatever.”
“Great!” Sergio said with a smile. Turning to Juliana he added, “I told you he was cool. Maybe he can help you with your problem.”
Juliana considered Rae for a moment. Her dull eyes sizing him up in a detached way. She only looked away when Sergio mentioned someone named Valentina. The way Juliana flinched at the name made Rae wonder who she was. Clearly she was someone to her.
Sergio chattered on, unaware of the impact of his words, until his phone rang. Apparently Lucho was summoning him. Rae didn’t really care for what and Juliana was beyond hearing him. With a quick “I’ll be right back” Sergio walked out; leaving Juliana with mezcal and a stranger.
Rae didn’t mind Sergio leaving Juliana with them. What they did mind was that he left her at all. Rae didn’t know what was going on with Juliana, but anyone could see she wasn’t alright. For someone who claimed to be her friend Sergio didn’t really act like it.
“Do you want something to eat?” Rae asked Juliana.
“No,” Juliana said and poured another shot.
“You sure?” Rae said, “Might go well with the mezcal.”
“You know what else goes well with mezcal?” Juliana responded, “Mezcal.”
She downed another shot before settling back on the sofa. Rae frowned, but let her be. It wasn’t their place to play mother hen.
Taking their plate Rae sat on the opposite end of the sofa from Juliana. Normally Rae ate in their room, but they didn’t want to leave Juliana alone. Someone had to keep an eye on her since Sergio clearly wasn’t going to.
Juliana needed a friend, but Rae wasn’t sure if they made a good enough substitute. So they just ate quietly and left it up to her. Juliana didn’t say a word as Rae finished eating and then cleaned up. She didn’t even acknowledge Rae as they set a glass of water on the table in front of her.
Rae dropped back into their spot on the couch and pulled out their phone. But they were hardly paying attention to their screen. Rae was too busy watching Juliana drink and frown at problems Rae couldn't see. Every shot making Juliana’s intense gaze less focused. By the time she finally spoke she practically radiated misery and mezcal.
Without looking up from her empty shot glass Juliana asked, “Do you think people can change?”
“Maybe,” Rae answered with a little shrug. “Do you?”
“I don’t know,” Juliana said, letting out a deep sigh.
Rae waited for her to continue, but she didn’t. Instead she looked at Rae; her eyes hazy and conflicted. With a tear streaked face and mezcal on her breath Juliana was the picture of misery. Before they knew what was happening Juliana pulled him in for a kiss.
Rough and desperate Juliana kissed Rae like she was trying to prove something. Like she needed this to be something it wasn’t and she knew it. Gently grabbing Juliana by her shoulders Rae pushed her back.
“Juliana, stop.”
“What? Don’t you want to?” Juliana asked, fresh tears in her eyes as she tried to lean in again.
“You’re drunk,” Rae said, holding her back, “And upset.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Juliana said flatly.
“It does.”
Juliana looked at Rae like she was begging him, but she wasn’t even sure what for anymore.
“You don’t have to tell me what’s going on, but you can,” Rae said.
Dropping her gaze Juliana took a shaky breath and clenched her jaw. Rae let go of Juliana and moved back a bit to give her some space. They sat in silence for so long Rae thought Juliana had shut down again.
“I’m in love with a woman,” Juliana said, her voice barely above a whisper, “I love her and my mom hates me for it.”
Juliana kept her eyes glued to the floor as she told Rae everything. She told him about Valentina and how they fell in love; how that love was the best thing in her life until it was turned against her. She told him about Lucho and Eva and Lupe and every other person who told her loving Valentina was wrong. Juliana talked until she felt hollow and exhausted. Both relieved and raw from finally saying it all out loud.
“I thought maybe...” Juliana started, pushing her hair out of her face, “Maybe sleeping with a man could fix me.”
Rae hardly knew Juliana, but hearing those familiar words broke their heart.
“There’s nothing to fix, Juliana,” Rae said, “You’re not broken.”
“You sure? I feel pretty broken,” Juliana said. Letting out a bitter laugh Juliana shook her head, “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Absolutely nothing,” Rae said immediately. They gently turned Juliana’s face so she was looking at them before continuing, “Loving a woman doesn’t mean you’re broken.”
“My mom thinks it does.”
“Your mom is wrong,” Rae insisted, trying to make Juliana believe them, but knowing they couldn't force her to.
“What if she isn’t? What if I just need the right man to make me straight?” Juliana asked, “Shouldn’t I at least try?”
“If you want experiment there’s nothing wrong with that,” Rae answered, trying to keep their voice level even as emotion bit the back of their throat, “But no one can be turned straight if they aren’t.”
Juliana dropped her gaze and her voice as she said, “I’m scared.”
“That’s okay.”
“What if after all this I turn out straight? Valentina turns out to be some fluke?”
“Does it feel like a fluke?” Rae asked.
“No,” Juliana said, looking back up at Rae, “It feels like finding something I didn’t even know I was looking for, but now I don’t know how to live without.”
Putting her head in her hands Juliana groaned, “I love her.”
“I love her and it doesn’t even matter anymore,” Juliana said, “I broke our pact. I left.”
Resting a hand on Juliana’s shoulder Rae asked, “Does she still love you?”
“She’s with Lucho,” Juliana answered.
“That’s not what I asked.”
Juliana sighed, “I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should find out.”
“What’s the point?” Juliana said, looking over at the half empty bottle of mezcal, “Even if she does she shouldn't.”
Rae sighed, “Trust me. It’s better to know than wonder.”
Juliana just shrugged. She was exhausted beyond what sleep could fix. She wasn’t sure anything could fix this.
“I know it’s hard. Believe me I know,” Rae started.
“What the hell do you know?” Juliana muttered.
“I know what its like to fall in love for a girl,” Rae said, fiddling with they’re sleeves as they spoke, “And I know what it’s like to lose her because they can’t accept her loving a woman. Even if I do look like a man.”
Juliana’s eyes snapped to Rae.
Rae held Juliana’s gaze for a moment before they said, “Just because Sergio thinks I’m a man doesn’t mean I am.”
Juliana opened and closed her mouth a few times before simply asking, “Why?”
“Sometimes it’s safer to not correct assumptions,” Rae said with a shrug. “I did it before and… I’d rather be living a lie than risk not living at all.”
Juliana thought for a moment before responding.
“So even when I try to be straight I somehow manage to kiss a girl,” Juliana deadpanned.
Rae can’t help but laugh, “Yeah. You really suck at the whole straight thing.”
Juliana flops back onto the sofa with a little laugh, “You may be right.”
“We’re hopeless. Aren’t we?” Rae said, a little smirk on her face.
“Completely doomed,” Juliana said with a straight face. She couldn't hold it for long though.
Both of them burst out laughing. All the stress and pain temporarily forgotten, drowned out by delirious and exhausted laughter.
When they finally settled down Juliana looked at Rae; her eyes still full of sorrow, but not quite so hopeless.
“Everything’s a mess,” Juliana sighed, “What am I going to do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“I don’t know,” Juliana said, “I just want everything to be okay again.”
Letting out a deep sigh Juliana said, “No matter who I choose I’m going to lose someone. I can’t love Valentina and be loved by my mom at the same time.” She sat up and rested her head on Rae’s shoulder. “I don’t want to lose my mom, but I can’t stop loving Valentina.”
“I know,” Rae said, resting her head on Juliana’s.
Juliana knew who she had to choose. Even if it broke her heart that her mother would never accept her or understand that she was really choosing herself. Juliana knew it had to be Valentina.
It was always Valentina.