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“So, have you thought about names?”
Chizuru turned her head to look at her husband. She thought he had been asleep. She could see Hijikata’s violet eyes meeting hers even in the dark.
“A little,” she replied. “Why?”
“I thought maybe you could pick this one’s name out,” said Hijikata. “You know, since I chose Isami’s name.” Chizuru’s hand rested on her stomach.
“I’ll have to give it some more thought,” she said. Hijikata looked troubled. “What’s wrong?” Chizuru asked, her own expression growing troubled.
“Thought maybe if it’s another boy, you might want to name it after Souji.”
Even now, Chizuru couldn’t say the name. “After Okita-san?” she whispered.
“Yeah,” Hijikata replied. “I know you two were close. And I know it was hard on you after he...” Hijikata paused. “You had a hard time with it.”
Chizuru turned away from her husband and closed her eyes. She had never really told him just how deep her feelings for Okita ran. How deep they continued to run, years and years after his death. When she felt she could speak again without crying, she turned back to face Hijikata. “I... I don’t think I ever told you this, but...” Hijikata waited patiently even as she trailed off. Chizuru swallowed and tried again. “Okita-san was... someone that I loved. I loved him the same way I love you, only I... I never had the courage to tell him. I’ve spent every day since then wondering if things would have been different if I’d only told him.” She closed her eyes again, tears threatening to spill.
“Wait,” Hijikata said. “You... loved Souji? Would you rather...”
“I wanted to be with both of you,” Chizuru cut him off. “Don’t think you’re a replacement for him because you’re not. I loved you both the same.” She was surprised when Hijikata suddenly let out a laugh.
“Oh man,” he said. “I’m not exactly husband material, but Souji? Of all people?”
Chizuru smiled fondly and giggled, remembering Okita and all the time she had spent with him. “So... it wouldn’t feel right to me,” she continued, her smile slowly disappearing. “Naming a child after someone I was in love with... Especially since I never had the courage to ask if I could call him by his given name.”
“I don’t think he would mind,” Hijikata said, giving her a sad smile. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “But I understand. I said you could pick this one’s name out, so I’ll give you more time to think about it.”
“Thank you,” Chizuru said, her smile just barely returning.
~~
A few nights later, Chizuru once again lie awake in bed.
“Toshizo-san?”
“Mmm?” She almost jumped when he gave an immediate reply. She thought for sure he had been asleep this time.
“I think I’ve decided on a name,” she said. Hijikata opened his eyes and turned his head to look at her.
“Yeah? Let’s hear it.”
Chizuru paused before continuing. “I-I’d like to name it after Kaoru if it’s another boy.”
Hijikata sat up halfway, supporting himself on one forearm. “Your messed up brother? That Kaoru?”
“I know it seems strange,” Chizuru said, rushing to defend her choice. “But some part of me feels responsible for how my brother turned out. I felt like maybe this would be like giving him a second chance in a way. I can’t change what happened to Kaoru, but if his namesake is able to live a happy life... I think that’s the closest I can get to making things right with him.”
“Kaoru Hijikata...” Hijikata murmured after a moment. He smiled as his eyes met Chizuru’s. “It does have a nice ring to it. Kaoru it is, then.”
Chizuru’s eyes grew damp with tears. She smiled as they started to fall. “Toshizo-san... Thank you.” Hijikata pulled her close to him and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He kissed her forehead.
“You should get some sleep,” he murmured. “Worrying about the past won’t do you any good.”
“I know,” she sighed. She lay her head on his chest and for several minutes, she listened to his heartbeat and his breathing even out before speaking again. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” his reply was soft, but immediate. Smiling, Chizuru curled up against him as much as she could and slowly drifted off into sleep.