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It almost felt wrong sleeping in an actual bed in an actual room instead of a tent under the stars.
I stared at the ceiling of the room, empty of all it’s other occupants. Bear usually slept in the same room as I did, but he was out in the kennels, helping breed another generation of mabari. Alistair hadn’t come to bed, and given how late it was and the last few nights, he probably wouldn’t be. He...what happened that night was all kinds of wrong, and we both knew it. But we didn’t talk about it. The weeks after fighting the Archdemon were so busy and kept us from having to talk about- and now we had plenty of time, but it felt like a rift had formed between us. So it was just me laying in the grand bed in the Royal Chambers, cold and not wanting to go to sleep.
Saving Ferelden from the Blight was important. I should be happy with everything I was able to save, that the cost wasn’t too high. And yet, a small part of me thought it was. That maybe nearly ruining Alistair’s and mine relationship was too high, or losing Morrigan was too high.
I wasn’t sure what I thought would happen after we stopped the Blight. Part of me thought I would never make it this far, the other just...assumed that everything would be fine and go to some kind of normal. I thought back to what Alistair asked me months ago in camp, “You know it won’t be like this forever.”
The mere thought almost made me miss the camping and living off of little like we had. At least he was always beside me.
Realizing how pathetic that sounded, I stood up and grabbed my robe. I was the Hero of Ferelden. I didn’t lay down and whine about my problems, I got up and did something about them.
Determination set in as I wrapped myself in a robe and slipped on soft slippers. Not my typical armor of choice, but at least something against the cooler air in the castle. I wasn’t even sure what time it was, or where to start looking for Alistair, but my stomach rumbled slightly, letting me know how long it has been since dinner, so I guessed the kitchens were at least a place to start.
I walked softly through the palace, knowing in my head that nothing bad could happen if I was caught wandering around at night, but instinct took over. I felt like a little girl again, sneaking down to the kitchens in Highever, determined not to get caught stealing cookies by Nan. I would often succeed in getting there to find Fergus there as well, him handing me a cookie and sneaking back with me.
Little light illuminated my journey to the kitchens, making it very obvious that the someone was in the kitchens, light from torches stretching out on the floor through the cracked door. I took slow steps, but heard little other than faint chewing. Who it was I didn’t know, but I took a breath and reminded myself once again that I was the future Queen and Hero of Ferelden, and I had every right to be in the kitchens at night. Nan wasn’t going to be in there and swat me, so what did I have to fear?
I opened the door, feeling it’s creak deep in my bones. I put on my Warden face and stepped in, looking to see who was here. Of course, that was all unnecessary as it was Alistair standing at a table, a spread of bread, cheese, and dried meat on a plate. He stopped with a chunk of cheese halfway between his plate and his mouth, watching me come in.
This was it, the moment of truth. I gave him a small smile and walked in, grabbing a plate of most of the same and standing across from him- trying to think of something to say.
“Do you miss it? The food I mean. That we ate at camp?” He offered, and I smiled a little too broadly, happy at least that we were having an actual conversation today.
“You know, sometimes I do.” I replied, earning a small spark in his eyes and a little smile at the corner of his mouth.
“Me too. I think I developed a fondness for charred rabbit after having so much.”
“You had a knack for making it. Got it to the same degree of burnt every time.” I teased, earning a larger smile now.
“Exactly, and people I have no skills other than hitting things and deflecting things with humor.”
“Well, they would probably see you behind your shield.”
That time I actually got a laugh out of him, the very sound warming inside better than any fire or drink that ever could. For a brief moment everything was right again, but far too soon he stopped laughing, and reality set back in. For a few moments we were silent.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry.”
We said the same words at the same time, and I blinked at him, very confused at why in the world he was sorry. I held my hand up for him to be quiet for a moment.
“Me first. Alistair, I...I’m sorry about what I’ve made you do. Becoming King and…” I took a deep breath, “Sleeping with Morrigan, I know you didn’t want to do either of those, but I kept pushing you and pushing you. I told you I loved you, but I kept pushing away what you wanted for what I thought needed to be done. And I’m sorry I didn’t do more for you.”
I searched his eyes for some kind of reaction- Alistair was usually pretty easy to read, but it felt like now he was a closed book.
“Amelia,” He choked slightly on my name, “I forgive you. You asked me to do all of those things. And Maker I did not like them, but I didn’t do them because you pushed me- I did them because I thought it was right. And you, you were with me every step of the way, telling me what I needed to hear to get through it. And now that it's over…”
Alistair trailed off, his adam’s apple bobbing as he studied my face.
“Now that it’s over, I can live with most of it. I can be King if you’ll be there beside me. But...I know I have been distant...and it’s the other thing I’m still coming to terms with.”
I didn’t say anything as he let that hang in the air between us, only the faint crackle of fire making any sound in the room.
“I can’t close my eyes without thinking about it- all of it. I can’t bring myself to be with you while I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t think of anything to do about it! It all just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.”
“Does it taste worse than charred rabbit?” I asked after a moment, earning another laugh from him, Alistair rubbing his neck, looking sheepish. “I don’t know how to help, Alistair. But we will figure it out, together, just like we did everything else.”
Alistair nodded and I smiled warmly, cleaning off my plate and walking to the door, looking over my shoulder.
“If you can, will you please come to bed tonight? It gets pretty lonely in there. Or if it makes you feel better, we can make a tent and sleep on the floor.”
“Hm, that is quite tempting. I guess I can do it if we make the tent small enough that my feet stick out and freeze all night.” He said, walking with me back up stairs, and after hesitating a moment, taking my hand.
Maybe the price wasn’t too high after all.
“Oh, you were serious about the tent?”