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“I’m not hungry.” Hansol said.
They sat around a table at the closest restaurant to their dorm. It had been another day of practicing and rehearsing and Hansol should be hungry but here he was, not hungry.
“We’ve been writing lyrics all day.” Seungcheol frowned. “Even when we had our break you barely ate. How are you not hungry?”
Hansol shrugged with a shoulder, eyes downcast. “I dunno.” He pushed his food around his plate.
Silence settled around them, and Hansol breathed deeply.
“How are we going to eat all this food?” Mingyu asked breaking the awkward atmosphere. “We can’t finish this without an extra person.”
“Stop it.” Wonwoo murmured elbowing Mingyu.
“What?” Mingyu glared at Wonwoo’s elbow. “What did you do that for?”
Wonwoo rolled his eyes and looking pointedly at Hansol. The boy had curled inside himself, staring dejectedly at his unfinished meal.
“Just be quiet and eat your food.”
“I’m can’t. I’m full .”
Seungcheol looked at the two members bickering, before returning his gaze onto Hansol. Concern furrowed his brow and he was at loss on how to cheer him up.
“I’m sorry.” Hansol said in a small voice. “I don’t know why I’m not hungry.”
The rest of the hip hop unit exchanged looks amongst themselves.
Seungcheol took initiative.
“It’s ok.” He said in a soothing tone. Reaching over to rub Hansol’s nape he continued, “We all have our days.”
Hansol bit his lip instinctively, wondering whether or not he should tell his leader. “But I haven’t eaten all day.” He said quietly.
Seungcheol’s eyes widened in surprise. “Not at all?”
He shook his head, refusing to catch Seungcheol’s eye. If he did, he thinks he might cry.
“Okay then.” Seungcheol said. He didn’t miss Hansol’s watery eyes or shaky fingers. Looking up at Wonwoo and Mingyu, he knew they were as lost as he was. “It’s ok.” Seungcheol continued, “I guess we’ll just have to find a way to cheer you up.”
For some reason, Hansol felt more upset, but he couldn’t tell that to them. Not when they’re trying so hard to make him feel better. “Sure.” Hansol managed to say.
“Are you sure you don’t even want a bite?” Wonwoo suggested. He was more perceptive than the rest and he could see how tired the youngest member was. The bags under his eyes didn’t seem to exaggerate his fatigue; Hansol’s enthusiasm lacked the past week.
“I don’t think I can.” Hansol replied Wonwoo, finally sneaking a look at the table. He wished he didn’t because everyone’s focus was on him.
Hansol could feel Wonwoo’s hesitation. “Just one bite for me?” Wonwoo asked.
If the others noticed how much energy it took for Hansol to lift his chopsticks to his mouth, they didn’t comment. He chewed the beef slowly, forcing his jaw to work through the tough meat. Unpleasantness settled around his throat, as if his body was physically rejecting what he was eating. But he managed to do so anyway.
“Good boy.” Seungcheol murmured, rubbing at Hansol’s nape encouragingly. “Do you think you can eat another?”
“I don’t wanna.” Hansol shook his head. “I just want to go back home.”
His eyes started watering again. Why would he be crying over food? Why can’t he just tell snap out of it? He could feel the guilt of not being able to finish his food eating him up inside, the thought of wasting his hyungs money, how he couldn’t write good enough lyrics today, he couldn’t think and he couldn’t write and he-
“How about I take Hansol outside while you guys pay?” Seungcheol suggested, and Hansol was dragged out of his black hole of anxiety.
His body moved without him needing to tell it too, hurried to leave the restaurant, to leave unwanted gazes and concerned eyes.
“Sollie, is there something stressing you out?”
Dazed, he shook his head. Hansol’s eyes were unfocused and didn’t notice Seungcheol’s concern. The road was busy tonight, with cars and noisy buses zooming past, engines roaring. People were loudly chattering from inside the restaurant. The lights from the street were too bright and headlights from cars moved too quickly for Hansol’s liking.
He didn’t notice how his breath quickened.
“Hansol?” He could hear Seungcheol in the background but right now all he felt was panic. Head hurting and his pulse roaring through his mind, he raised his arms and threaded his fingers through his hair. He’s dying.
“Hansol, Hansol, baby.” Seungcheol panicked, watching Hansol’s face screw in pain, hyperventilating and crying. What can he do? His arms were raised, bracketing Hansol’s body protectively, hovering unsurely.
Hansol stumbled, his legs unsure and trembling. He backed against the wall. He could feel hot tears running down his cheeks. Fingers brushing hair out of his eyes. They caressed his face. Warm pressure surrounded his jaw, and he was forced to look up.
Seungcheol.
“Hansol, baby, breathe. Just breathe. Focus on me.”
It wasn’t as easy as it sounds, Hansol wanted to argue back. Instead he does what he’s told and looks at Seungcheol’s face. He tried not to pay attention to the rest of the world.
“C’mon Hansol.” Seungcheol said. “In and out. Follow my breaths.”
Hansol’s breathing stuttered, he couldn’t .
“What’s happening?” He heard out of the back of his mind. Wonwoo .
Hansol whimpered. His hands reached to Seungcheol’s, nails digging.
Seungcheol ignored Wonwoo, and continued to focus on Hansol.
Finally, he drew in a longer breath, hitching, unstable, but still a breath.
“Good job baby.” Praised Seungcheol. “Try another?”
Hansol eventually brought his breath back. He felt gross, tears wet against his face, his heart felt lodged up his throat.
He was glad Seungcheol hasn’t let go of his face yet. The thumb stroking his cheekbone made him feel safer. He released his hold on Seungcheol’s arms, letting them fall limply by his sides.
Wonwoo still saw the slight tremor in them.
“The car’s here.” Mingyu reminded them.
Hansol stumbled into it, and saw Mingyu already sitting down.
He didn’t want to sit by himself. He was scared. He was tired.
Mingyu could tell how upset the boy was, and beckoned him closer, allowing him to nestle up in his arms.
Hansol kept breathing deeply, sniffling against Mingyu’s collarbone. The tallest member wrapped his arms tighter around him and Hansol shoved his face deeper into the crook of Mingyu’s neck.
Hansol’s eyes fluttered close and Mingyu kissed the crown of his head.