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“And over there, we have the cafeteria,” Reed-4820 said, gesturing to another door. “You should check it out. Reed-127 and Reed-923 are fantastic – forgive the pun -- cooks. Today’s special is a mathematically perfect spaghetti Bolognese.”
“Sounds very intriguing,” Reed said.
“I’m sure you know we Reeds don’t do anything by halves,” chuckled Reed-4820. “And over there we have the laundry room. You won’t believe how many uniforms you go through terraforming planets, but then we do like getting our hands dirty, don’t we? And I think that just about wraps up the –”
“Welcoming a new Reed? Without me?” a familiar voice – his own – said as they rounded the corner.
There was another Reed leaning against the wall, his arms crossed and his hips canted. His hair was slicked back, giving his narrow face an aristocratic cast, and there was a single emerald stud in one of his ears. He wore slim fitting green and silver armor with a long green cape that pooled elegantly to the floor. It was clasped by a brooch bearing a familiar armored face.
“Oh for the love of the unstable molecule,” said Reed-4820, slapping a hand to his forehead. “Okay, who told him this was happening today? Reed-6590?!”
“I’m sorry!” cried Reed-6590 through his flames. “He just – he makes me nervous!”
Reed cleared his throat and attempted to salvage what was apparently quite an awkward situation.
“Hello. I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet,” he said, extending his hand. “I’m Reed Richards of Earth 616. And you are?”
“Charmed, of course,” said the new Reed. He smiled pleasantly and not at all unlike a shark. “I’m Reed Von Doom.”
“Oh,” said Reed, helplessly.
“I’m the Reed who's married to Victor Von Doom,” said Reed Von Doom, helpfully.
“Yes, Reed-313,” said Reed-4820, harshly. “I think he got that.”
“What can I say about Reed-313?” said Reed Richards-12. “Reed-313 is – different.”
“He has a hundred velvet capes and two Latverian stallions,” said Reed-1825.
“If you know what he means,” added in Reed-6590. He paused, then added, “Sorry. He scares me.”
“I hear his grey streak is insured for $10,000,” whispered Reed-827.
“I hear he’s done flying car commercials,” Reed-2010 added in an awed tone. “On Earth-7.”
“His favorite movie is Rhapsody in Green,” said Reed-29.
“One time, he met Galactus in space,” said Reed-999. “And he asked if he could be Reed’s herald.”
“One time he punched me in the face,” said Reed-6590 said quietly. “It was awesome.”
“Hearsay,” said Reed-4820, stone-faced. “Rumors. Utter nonsense.” He hesitated. “Except for the time he punched Reed-6590 in the face. That happened. I was there.”
“I feel I can safely say I’m more lost than I was before,” said Reed.
“Well, get used to that,” Reed-4820 said, rolling his eyes. “When it comes to Reed-313, nothing ever makes any sense.”
Reed-313 smirked.
It was Thursday, and the cafeteria’s special was meatloaf spheres with horseradish foam. The horseradish was imported from Earth-2227, where horseradish was iridescently purple and also caffeinated. In spite of all of that, Reed could still taste faint notes of Petunia Grimm’s secret ingredient: ketchup.
“Oh, hello,” Reed-313 said, sliding into the seat next to him. He was wearing a different cape today; still green, but lushly patterned with rows and rows of the Latverian royal crest. Doom’s face still adorned the brooch at his throat, glittering in the cafeteria lights. “The new addition. We haven’t had much time to talk, Reed to Reed.”
“Yes, of course,” Reed said. “I’d like that as well. Forgive me, but I’ve noticed that the others seem rather – apprehensive about you.”
“Well, it happens when you marry your world’s version of a force many versions of you are eager to see removed from the playing board,” Reed-313 said, waving a hand. A ring glittered on his finger, silver and heavy with emeralds. Victor never had done anything by half. “Are you married, Reed?”
“I am, Reed,” he said, dabbing his mouth with his napkin. “To the Susan Storm of my world.”
“Oh, a lovely woman,” said Reed-313. “Very intelligent. Quite capable. She’s tried to kill me several times.”
“Ah,” Reed said, unsure what else to say. “That’s very – interesting. How, erm, did you and your husband meet?”
“College,” Reed-313 said, sounding fond. “I, the young genius, unsure of my place in the world. Him, the dashing exchange student. And, well, I’ve always had a thing for powerful men. Daddy issues.” He gestured at the Reeds surrounding them. “Many of us have them.”
Several of the Reeds within hearing distance scowled at him.
“That’s – nice?” Reed tried, valiantly.
“He swept me off my feet,” Reed-313 continued. “Introduced me to all sorts of concepts. Foreign customs and mystical forces that were beyond my comprehension, at the time. And that was all before he taught me to make love.”
Reed, who had raised his water glass to his lips, promptly choked. Visions of a naked Doom danced in his head.
“Tell me,” said Reed-313, leaning in. “Have you ever been sandwiched between two proud, powerful, muscular monarchs, each determined to prove themselves more stalwart in the bedroom than the other?”
“I, err,” Reed said.
“On the moon?” Reed-313 added, smirking.
“No,” Reed admitted. “No, I haven’t personally had that experience on the moon.”
“Pity,” Reed-313 said. “When you get back to your home, you should call up your Namor and give it a try.”
That was a whole new set of mental images Reed didn’t know what to do with.
He cleared his throat as he gathered together his tray and rose from the table. “Well, that’s all very interesting, but I have a lot to do today. It was lovely meeting you, Reed-313.”
“Think nothing of it, Reed-616,” Reed-313 said with a smile. “I’m sure we’ll be seeing lots of each other.”
“Reed-313 likes to create trouble,” said Reed-4820. “It’s part of the reason the rest of us wanted to ease you into the Council before you encountered him, but, well, as you can see, that wasn’t in the cards. He likes the dramatics of it all, I think. I’m sure that husband of his encourages it. But ultimately he’s harmless.”
Reed-6590 glared balefully at Reed-4820 through his flames.
“Mostly harmless,” Reed 4820 amended.
“If he’s caused so much trouble,” Reed said, “why allow him on the council at all?”
“Well, we never figured any Reed Richards would actually go so far as to marry a Doom, so it isn’t exactly in the rule book,” Reed-4820 said, shrugging helplessly. “And he is a brilliant, accomplished scientist and explorer in his own right.”
“I just wish he could go five minutes without mentioning what he’s been exploring,” Reed-6590 said with an exaggerated shudder. He paused, then added, “If you know what I mean.”
“Yes, Reed-6590,” Reed-4820 snapped. “We all know what you mean!”
“He’s been exploring Doom,” Reed-6590 said.
“We got it,” said Reed-4820.
“Doom’s penis,” Reed-6590 whispered.
Reed-4820 put a hand over his eyes.
“Go stand in the corner,” he said.
Reed-6590 huffed and stalked off, trailing sparks in his wake.
“We’ve tried everything,” Reed-4820 told Reed. “Interventions, PowerPoints of the actions of other Dooms against other Reed Richardses, a little innocent memory alteration…” He put a hand to his forehead, shaking his head. “Honestly, at this point, we don’t know what else to do.”
“Err,” said Reed. “Have you considered that they’re simply… in love?”
“Oh, they’re in love for certain,” Reed-4820 said darkly. “That just makes it so much worse.”
It was days before Reed encountered Reed-313’s other half. He and his fellow Reeds had been doing relief work when they’d been besieged by an alien fleet with technology beyond what had been expected in a little known universe of barely any prominence. It had been a long battle, more tedious and tiring at the end than difficult, and it was clear by the time they made it back to the Bridge that everyone was exhausted.
Reed-313 had taken a particularly hard blow in the fight. Reed had been bolstered by how quickly Reed-12 had flocked to his side; it showed that, despite any squabbling within in the group about who had stolen whose design for hyperspace snow shoes or who had married which supervillain, when the chips were down, the Reed Richardses of the multiverse had each other’s back.
Now there was time to rest and recuperate. Already Reeds had drifted towards the various labs, resuming the work they had put on hold. Despite the hard day, it felt oddly peaceful on the Bridge.
Or so Reed thought.
“Richardses!” a booming, familiar voice called out.
“Oh great,” said Reed-6590 said, tipping his head back. “Doom’s here.”
“Did you give him access to the Bridge?” Reed-4820 demanded, whirling on Reed-313.
“Oh, just because you all keep secrets from your spouses,” Reed-313 muttered, his arms crossed and his mouth twisted bitterly to the side.
“Because none of us married a Doom,” Reed-4820 insisted.
There was a pause wherein several Reeds averted their eyes guiltily.
“I came close,” said Reed-6590 in a ponderous tone.
“I would like a Celestial to come down and crush me to death,” said Reed-4820, his head in his hands.
Doom-313 swept into the room, looking particularly Doom-y with his cape swirling dramatically about his ankles. He was as fully armored as the Doom from Reed’s own home universe, and for one odd moment he wondered what it would be like to kiss someone in a full metal face mask.
“Where, you miserable dogs,” asked Doom, clenching one gauntleted fist, “is my beloved?”
Reed-313 cleared his throat and wiggled his fingers.
“Hi, honey,” he said.
Reed Richards-98570 was audibly grinding his teeth.
“You live,” Doom-313 said, visibly relaxing. It was almost sweet, Reed thought, and then resisted the urge to slap himself for it.
“I live,” said Reed-313, rising to his feet and approaching his Doom. “Did you expect anything less from me, my love?”
“My terror,” said Doom-313, raising Reed-313’s hand to his face and pressing his mask to it in some semblance of a kiss. “When you didn’t return home as scheduled, I grew concerned. Were you having a good time with your… associates?”
He said it like he was trying very hard not to call all the alternate universe versions of his husband vermin or scum, so Reed supposed to had to give him some kind of point for that.
“Wonderful,” Reed-313 said, leaning into close – entirely too close for the present company – and pressing a kiss to the side of Doom-313’s mask. “Did you miss me?”
“As a battlefield cries out for the blood of Doom’s enemies,” Doom-313 said, his armored hands sliding to Reed-313’s hips in a way that spoke of long familiarity.
“Isn’t it strange,” Reed-313 said, throwing his voice over his shoulder, “how no one believes how sweet you are, my love?”
Doom-313 harrumphed. His gaze shifted, leaving his own Reed and searching over the crowd. When it lit on Reed, something sparked behind his mask. Reed would have liked to have said it didn’t elicit in him a frisson of something electric but then that would have been lying.
“Ah. A new Reed Richards,” Doom-313 said, stroking his chin. “And what Earth do you hail from?”
“616,” said Reed. The weight of Doom-313’s stare was just as heavy and powerful as his native Victor’s.
“And do you have a Doom?” Doom-313 asked.
“You know he does,” Reed-313 said, trailing his hand up Doom-313’s chest. “We’re a matched set. We come in pairs.”
Reed-6590 pretended to gag.
“And how is your relationship with your Doom?” Doom-313 asked imperiously.
“Well,” Reed said, feeling caught off guard. “He’s tried to kill me multiple times and tortured my family, so.”
“Foreplay,” Reed-313 stage whispered in Doom-313’s ear.
Doom-313 pinched him on the thigh. Several Reeds looked scandalized.
“Well, Reed Richards of Earth 616,” Doom-313 said, “you wear my beloved’s face and so have nothing to fear from this Doom. Unless, of course, the rest of your ilk’s scheming should somehow harm him.” He raised a tender hand to his Reed’s face. “Then I would hunt the lot of you down with all of the wrath of Doom. I would not rest until every single one of you had paid for your crimes. You would all die screaming by my hand and my hand alone.”
There was a long pause. Reed-6590 raised his hands to clap and Reed-4820 hit him on the shoulder.
“Softie,” Reed-313 said, smiling.
“Beloved,” Doom-313 said stiffly, holding out one hand. “It’s past time you returned home.”
“Very well. See you all next time,” Reed-313 said, placing his hand in Doom-313’s. He grinned over his shoulder at the rest of the gathered Reeds as he departed, looking like a shark.
“You know,” Reed-6590 said, watching them go, “he could be worse.”
“How?” asked Reed-4820.
“He could be Reed-1610,” said Reed-6590.
A shudder went around the room.
“Go back to your corner,” said Reed-4820, “and think about what you just said.”
“Well,” Reed said, clapping his hands together. “While this has all been very enlightening –”
“Please don’t judge us on Reed-313’s… everything,” Reed-4820 said, rounding on him. “He’s hardly ever around. He’s like a second cousin you see at holidays who tries sacrifice your youngest child to an elder god.”
“Oddly specific thing that’s happened to me also,” Reed murmured in an aside. “It’s just that I should probably be going. I’m already late for dinner –"
“You’ll most likely barely see him!” Reed-4820 said. “Can we get you some more reading? A pamphlet to go? Some more of Reed-923’s spherical meatloaf?”
“I think I’m just going to go,” Reed said.
“Call us!” Reed-4820 shouted at his back.
Just before he left the Bridge, Reed heard Reed-6590 say, “I think that went pretty well, all things considered,” and then a sharp yelp, and wondered not for the first time if Ben was right when he said Reed had always been a little odd.
Well, at least he hadn’t gone and married Doom, anyway.
He paused and thought about it for a moment. Reed-313’s comments about Doom in the bedroom danced through his head.
He shook his head vigorously and powered down the Bridge for the night.