Chapter Text
You’d tried very hard not to let Holly get under your skin, blocked out her words and gross looks, stepped out of her way when she walked past. John never noticed, never heard what she said to you, never acknowledged how much she knew about him, how close they had been. And while you could never hate him for anything, you were not happy with him. But you held your tongue, knowing it was your burden to bear, knowing that God was testing you and you would do whatever it took to prove yourself faithful. But sometimes her tongue lashed deeper wounds than normal and you’d just pray as she spit acid between her teeth, if you put your faith in God then she might just drop dead, but that’s a horrible prayer.
You clench your jaw, squeeze your hands tighter, and press your legs together. Attempting to make yourself small, trying to channel your tension away from your gut. But she wouldn’t stop, she’d being disgusting now, talking about the intimate things she’s done with John and the things he’s said to her. “He used to tell me he loved me, that he’d bring me to the Gates with him and we’d be together forever, that we’d raise a family together with God watching over all of us.”
“Child,” Holly gasps as Joseph steps from the shadows behind the shelves in the back of the church, she nearly trips over a pew in her hurry to step back. “That is no way to speak of my brother, you sully his name by letting it pass between your filthy lips. Your faith in this project, in me, in God has stretched thin over your sins. Your envy has consumed you, it’s forcing its way out of every pore in your body and seeping into the air around you, you’re full of it and it’s disgusting. You’re sour with the scent of lust, trembling from the primitive desire that pushes His love from your soul, your greed is dragging your further from the Gates of Eden and you’re letting it. You’re filthy and repulsive even though you’ve already confessed, you’re soiled by your sins. You will die on this earth, swallowed by heavenly fire because you could not resist jealousy and hate.”
“Father-” You think she’s going to defend her actions but Joseph silences her.
“You will confess again, you will atone.” That meant she had to be with John again, probably alone, Joseph wouldn’t do that to you. Would he? “You will see Jacob and I this evening by the river, if you do not join us we shall assume you’ve pushed God from your heart and let the devil in.” Holly hangs her head, otherwise completely still, before he dismisses her with a wave of his hand. You don’t say anything, simply finishing your prayer and starting another, he kneels beside you and copies your stance, accompanying your words with his own. He prays for Holly, prays for the compound, for his siblings, for his project, for me. “May Y/N find the courage she needs to overcome her trials, to find solace in your truth, to understand her place in your plan.”
“Amen.” You both echo to the empty building. Rising from your knees you sit beside one another for a few moments, neither of you feeling compelled to speak.
“This is not my story to share, I will leave it up to you who is part of this ending and I can only encourage to speak to the people who care for you instead of pushing them away.” He wants you to talk to John. You nod, not looking at him as he stands, presses his lips to the crown of your head, and leaves. You spend a bit longer in the church, listening to the floor creak and the walls sigh as it settles for the day. When the sun begins to set and blinds you in the process, you finally stand, sliding the rosary back around your neck. It was a gift from John, sterling silver with small bead of opal decorating the chain, you treasured it with all of your being, never taking it off unless you’re about to shower. You should talk to him, tell him if the things Holly has said, of what she’s done. But the fact that he hasn’t told you about their relationship makes you wonder if it’s still ongoing, if he wants to keep his options open. But you remember everything he’s done for you, how he treats you, the kindness and passion he shows you. He can’t be using you like that, he just… he wouldn’t.
You sit in your truck, a truck given to you by Jacob, for another half hour. When the sun slides behind the treeline you finally start the engine but don’t turn on the headlights, allowing the moon to light up the dirt road winding through the mountains. You drive slowly, allowing yourself plenty of time to stop if an animal bounds in front of you, or someone deep in the Bliss. Neither happens and you return to the ranch safe and sound, sighing as you look into the house through the open windows. John is sitting in the dining room, hands clasped in front of him and his eyes meeting yours through the windshield. You wonder if he can see you or if the flood lights create a glare on the glass. Sighing heavily once more, you cut the engine and think of what Holly had said, how it had cut you so deeply that it felt like your heart would shatter, how you held the pieces of your strength together with the memories of all of the times John said he loved you, of how he smiled at you in the morning, how he’d hold you in the evenings and read to you from whatever book was closest.
But with the whine that escapes your throat, you rest your head on the steering wheel and begin sobbing, hugging your torso tightly as though to bring some kind of comfort to you. “Y/N?” You hear him call as the front door slams open and your hands quickly find the door locks, making sure they’re in place just as John slams his hands on the passenger handle and yanks on it. “Baby? What’s wrong?” He sounds panicked and you just sob harder, not responding to him. “Open the door.” Tears fall down your cheeks as you shake your head, hugging yourself tighter. “Y/N if you don’t unlock the door, I will break it.”
“Then do it!” You know he will, you don’t want him to but he will, you just want to know he’s willing to get to you. When he picks up the axe laying nearby you scream and scramble out of cab before he can swing. Your mind is racing, you know you’re being irrational but you can’t stop. You’re so angry, at Holly for everything, at John for a lot. You can’t stop.
“What is wrong!” He drops the axe and rushes to your side, freezing when you shove him away.
“She won’t stop! She won’t stop with the looks and the- the shoving me and the talking, she’s always fucking talking and she never stops! It’s always about you and- and I just want to shut her up but I don’t because I just-!”
“Who, baby, who won’t stop?” He tries to cup your face in his hands but you shove him away again and John let’s it happens, his back falling against your truck.
“Holly! Her stupid voice and her stupid face and her shoulder is so bony and her hips are too!” John looks stunned and he’s silent for a while.
“What has she said?”
“That you were with her which I don’t mind cause it was before you met me but she says you’re still with her which I know I shouldn’t believe because she’s horrible but she says it so much and she has so many details and she says the most crude and disgusting things and I’ve tried so hard to be quiet because you’re so busy and she’s so awful but I can’t listen to her anymore!” Your voice gets louder and louder until you’re yelling at John and you don’t even notice until he flinches. Slapping your hands over your mouth you instantly regret losing your cool like that. “John, I’m so sorry.”
“Baby,” he steps forward and wraps you in his arms. You take a shuddering breath as you smell his cologne on the skin of his neck, tucking your arms between the two of you as you try to even your breathing. When you’re finally able to inhale evenly, without your entire body shuddering, he speaks. “We weren’t together that long, I tried to end things when you came into my life but it didn’t work out like I planned, I was weak enough to let her have power over me. I fell too deeply into my sins.”
You pull away, resting your hands on his chest as you search his eyes. “What?” He nods, now ashamed of himself.
“There were a few times when I lost sight of what mattered and strayed from my path.”
“When.”
“Baby-”
“I don’t want you to protect me, John, I want to know.” When you step away, he lets you, his arms hanging uselessly by his side.
“About a month into our relationship, when I came back from that case in town.”
“When I confessed?” He nods and you sneer in disgust, not caring how much time has passed since then, this wound for you was fresh. “You’re good John.” He looks so completely confused when you step forward, gasping when you yank his shirt open and stab your fingernail into the scar front and center ‘LUST’ in tight, raised lines. “You sure are right about this.” You turn then, slapping him so hard that he staggers back when he tries to grab your upper arm. “Leave me alone, I’ll talk to you if I want, you’re filthy with your sin. Desperate with it. The gates of Eden are closing, you should consider which side of them you’ll be on.” He doesn’t stop you when you climb into your truck, when you start the engine, when you peel away and out of sight. He doesn’t even look at you. For a while you’re just driving on autopilot, not even realizing you’re driving up the mountain until you see one of the judges sprinting alongside your car. It’s not long until you see the veterans center and the barracks nearby. You wonder if Jacob would take you in for a while, if he would help you or side with John. It looks like you’re going to find out because he’s sitting outside by a large fire when you pull up to his house, leaning forward on his knees, watching you come towards him.
“I didn’t know.” You nod at his words, sitting across from him and staring into the flames.
“I didn’t either.”
“We dealt with her tonight, Joseph and I.” This makes you jolt, eyes widening as if you can see his lies through the smoke. “We took her to the river and held her there until we thought she’d properly atoned for her sins.” That means they nearly drowned her, good. “You want to stay here tonight?”
“Please, I’ll sleep in the truck if I need to, I just can’t see him right now.” Jacob nods slowly.
“Joseph knows too, he says he’ll come by later and if John is home he’ll speak with him.” You nod again. “You’re good for him, you keep him out of trouble, keep him focused. He’s stronger with you around.” That’s a lot coming from Jacob. The two of you sit by the fire well until the night, not speaking, not needing to.
It’s been a full month and you’re still staying with Jacob in a spare room, he doesn’t mind you being there, he likes that you clean and cook for him. He takes care of you in turn, getting you supplies you need when he’s on trips into town, even stocking up on your favorite foods. He’s become your brother despite the fact you haven’t spoke to his youngest sibling since that evening. It’s become an interesting dynamic and you spend most of your time together, he even lets you help condition the people he finds snooping around the property. It’s become kind of a game to you, seeing what ridiculous thing you can come up with.
Holly has left you alone, looking away whenever you enter a room, just like you do with John. You don’t wait around after service anymore, you climb right back into your truck and wait for Jacob while you read a book you’ve snagged from his library. Joseph comes to see you often, always asking about how you’re doing. They talk to you like family, they treat you like family, they have become your family. You still love John with everything inside you, your stomach trembles when you see him standing beside Joseph, you can’t bring yourself to speak to him, it’s just you being stubborn more than anything else at this point because God knows you’d take him back if he came to you, you’re too weak to refuse. But he hasn’t. He stares at you constantly, he’s noticed that you stopped using the rosary he gifted you, returning to the plain copper one you’d come into the compound with. You’d tried to ignore the nagging at the back of your mind telling you that you’ll have to address this situation eventually, that you can’t keep pushing it away, it’s making you sick. Literally.
Joseph is the one to find you hunched over the sink in the kitchen, having been unable to make it to the bathroom in time before you wretch until your insides hurt. He’s the one to hold back your hair and rub your back until you can breathe properly, he sits with you for a long while before speaking. “There are no mistakes when it comes to this, every child is a gift, no matter the circumstance of their conception.”
“I’m not pregnant.” He hums but doesn’t respond. “I can’t be.” He hums again before striding out of the room. Days later, after Jacob leaves for another supply trip and returns with a box of pregnancy tests.
“Don’t get offended, Joseph thought they’d be useful and I agree, for our sake, just do it.” You can’t deny him when he puts it like that, when he genuinely has your best interest at heart, so you groan and snatch the box from him. After reading the instructions you use all three tests in the box, completely unable to look at them after you tidy up and wash your hands. Ten minutes pass, more than enough time for the tests to show their results, but you can’t bring yourself to look at them so you yell for Jacob, who comes sauntering in with his eyes narrowed. “Well?”
“I can’t look, will you tell me what they say?” He grunts and walks towards your bathrooms.
“Didn’t you piss on these? Why are they on your counter?” He draws his lip back as though he’s grossed out and you shoot him a glare.
“Look at them you asshole.” He holds his hands out in defense and leans over them, there’s silence for a moment.
“They make these real easy to read, don’t they?”
“What do they say?”
“Ya know, Jacob isn’t a bad name for a kid.” You bolt to your feet and begin pacing around the room, running your hands through your hair and attempting to find the words to express your muddled emotions.
“What am I gonna do?” You look at him with tears in your eyes, grasping at the cloth above your stomach.
“You’re going to tell him, that’s not an option.” You nod, immediately agreeing. “We’ll set up the room across the hall if you don’t sort it out, you can stay, we won’t force you back to John.”
The doorbell echoes through the house, resonating off of the walls and making your chest clench. Jacob looks at you before grabbing his gun and walking towards the front door, you weren’t expecting visitors ever, Joseph just walked in and no one else ever came up here. Something happened. You stay in the hallways while he slinks closer to the handle, making sure to stay away from the windows and out of sight of the peephole. Jacob scares you sometimes, when you think about what he could do, you try not to think too hard. The doorbell is still ringing and the person begins pounding on the thick wood, shouting, “Y/N!”
Jacob throws open the door and is completely shocked when John tumbles into his arms, covered in blood that’s still slick on his skin. There’s not a lot but it’s spattered across his forearms and you see the claw marks there, he looks disheveled and is panting erratically. “Please, brother, I need to see her. I’m so empty without her, I’ve atoned, I’ve confessed, I’ve learned and prayed. Please just let me see her!” He speaks as though he’s crazed, his eyes wide and his hands smearing his own blood on his brother’s clothing. You’ve never seen him like this and it scares you, you see the glimmer and you know he’s high with Bliss, you’re disgusted now, angry once again. But you step forward, hands over your middle, protecting the life you only just discovered but had already gotten so attached to. He sees you and melts to the floor, moving forward on his knees, wounds still oozing. You wonder if he ran here.
“What do you want.” He shudders, stepping in front of you, gazing upward as though you’re the reason he’s alive, his only reason.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m selfish and cruel and greedy and vain and horrible, I didn’t want to hurt you, I never should have touched her, she’s disgusting and unworthy of anything God has done for this project.” You say nothing, still holding your abdomen.
“You’re high.”
“Yes! Yes, I am! She was there when I came home, naked and shameless, on our bed! She hit me when I came through the door, before I could do anything, she tried so hard, she really did. But I didn’t let her, all I could think of was you, all I could do was be angry that she was laying on your side, by the window. And I could just imagine you there in the morning, with your hair glowing and your eyes closed, you’re so beautiful. I can’t sleep without you, everything is so cold.” His voice is getting thick and you glance at Jacob who is standing there with a look of amused concern on his face.
“Who was in your bed?” You phrase that sentence carefully, denying ownership of anything in that house.
“Holly, that Jezebel, that Delilah! God, you’re beautiful.” He grips your shirt and you step back, stumbling and falling into a wall. Jacob yanks John back by the collar and ignores his struggling.
“What did you do?” You know the answer, you just want to hear him say it.
“I choked her, she always liked that, but this time I didn’t stop. She was fighting and it hurt,” he looks down at his arms and pouts, “but I didn’t stop. I just kept thinking about your hair and how smooth your cheeks are.” You’re disturbed by the man in front of you but you can’t help but want to run to him, to have him hold you in his arms. But he reeks of Bliss and you can see some lingering on his body, you don’t want it near you, you don’t know what it’ll do to the baby.
“You can’t be here tonight, John.” He begins struggling again, begging for you.
“I’ve atoned! I’ve confessed! I’m sorry, please!”
“I know you are, but I can’t be around you right now, come back tomorrow when you’re sober and clean.” You turn to walk away but he breaks free from Jacob and runs towards you just as you turn the corner into your bedroom. You scream and attempt to run into the bathroom but he slams his body into the door and sends you staggering backwards against the wall, sending all of the shelves tumbling on top of you. Just as he’s about to drop to his knees beside you he glances at the counter and everything stops, no one breathes, no one moves. There is perfect silence. Then, with a trembling hand he raises one of the sticks up, his eyes wide and glossy.
“I-”
“Please, John, I can’t be around Bliss like this, I don’t know what it’ll do.” There’s another pause before he turns on Jacob, immediately leaning all of his weight against him, trying to take him to the floor. When that doesn’t work, he starts hitting him anywhere he can, as hard as he can. You want to pull him off, to yell at him, but Jacob quickly handles himself. Pinning John on his stomach and smooshing his face on the wooden floor.
“You bastard! I’ll fucking kill you!” John shouts, still thrashing.
“Calm your ass, down!” Jacob shouts.
“You’re not worthy! You can’t touch her! I’ll fucking kill you!”
“What in the hell are you talking about!”
“I want a family, I want to marry her, I want to give her the ring! You bastard!” He slumps to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut. “I fucked up, I’m so sorry, please be happy.” He’s looking at you now and your eyes water, he thinks the baby is Jacob’s, he thinks you don’t love him anymore.
“It’s your baby you moron!” Jacob shouts, no longer shoving him into the floor, but still not letting him up. You kneel beside him, remembering it’s not safe to be too close, the little thing growing inside you won’t know Bliss now or ever. Your baby will never need it.
“Mine?” You can seen his eyes watering as he sniffles, trying not to break into tears, but it makes you cry.
“Yes, you absolute dick, it’s our baby.” Wiping the tears from your cheeks you kneel next to him, watching him close his eyes slowly. “I can’t be near the Bliss, I don’t want to hurt them and you’re covered in it.”
“Go home, clean up, sober up, I’ll get some of my men to take care of Holly.” Jacob gets off of John entirely but does not release his grip on his clothing, just in case. John nods and stands, he looks like he wants to step towards you but he looks down at himself and takes off down the hallway, shouting as he goes.
“Mine! My baby!” He’s whooping and hollering, it’s so strange to see him like this. He’s not even like this when he’s drunk, it makes you giggle but it also makes you worry about him.
“I’ll make sure he gets back alright.” Jacob groans as he set out after his younger brother, easily catching up. When they leave and the house is quiet, you begin to sob. You missed John so much, you wanted him to hold you and tell you things he’s never shared with anyone before. You want to plan your future, name your baby, decorate their room. It makes your heart ache, the image of him holding a bundle of blankets, looking at your child like they make the sun shine. You love him so much and you’re a fool for it, but you just can’t stop, he’s everything to you. For your sake, you need to sort things out.
The morning comes sooner than expected, no one’s woken you up and it’s already ten o’clock. But the radio is on, playing John’s song, ironically enough. You take your time getting ready, brushing your teeth, changing, etcetera. Maybe he didn’t mean everything he said last night, maybe he didn’t even come back. But the moment you walk into the kitchen you know everything is going to be okay, he’s sitting at the table and looks up as soon as you walk in. He’s fully dressed but his clothes are all rumpled, some grass stains on his pants and dirt on the cuffs of his sleeves. “Did you sleep outside?” You ask it as a joke but when he looks away, red spreading over his cheeks you nearly laugh aloud.
“Jacob thought I’d disturb you, I agreed with him.” His whole body is tense as he tucks his hand behind his back, hiding his forearms.
“Are you okay? She got you pretty good.”
“Are you? I didn’t mean to push you last night, I- did I hurt either of you?” The baby, he’s worried he hurt your baby. Your eyes water as you shake your head, stepping forward and burying your face in his clothes. He smells like morning dew and pine, he really did sleep outside.
“I’m sorry!” You sob.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, I’m the one who caused you pain, I’m the one who drove you away. I should have fought harder for you but I thought you’d be happier if I let you go.”
“No! I always want you, John. I’m so empty without you!” The next few minutes are both of you apologizing and proclaiming your love, safe and content in one another’s arms.
“Can I speak to them?” He asks, surprising you.
“They can’t hear you yet.”
“Still.” You nod, letting him drop to his knees and allowing him to pull your shirt up to reveal the curve of your tummy. “I didn’t mean to jostle you around in there, I’m sorry if I bothered you. Your mother is going to take wonderful care of you, I can tell you that right now. I’ll do my best but I know I’m going to have to ask for her help a lot, I’ll give you a childhood much better than the one I had, I’ll give you more love than you know what to do with. We both will, I know we both already love you so much. You’re a blessing and I’ll never lose sight of that, you’re the greatest gift God has ever given me, you will be wonderful.” He ends by pressing a kiss to your skin and resting his forehead there, sighing heavily before standing up again. “I love you, so much.” You’re crying too much to respond, you’re going to blame it on hormones but you’re just so content right now, you’re just so full of hope that you can’t think of anything but the man in front of you and how, despite everything, he’s yours. He’ll always be yours.