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It wasn’t an awful realization. If she didn’t spend so much time bottling her feelings, Beca would have probably been able to figure it out sooner. Though maybe this is better, timing-wise.
Beca was in love with Emily Junk. And honestly, she wasn’t scared. Not like with Jesse. If she thought about it, though, nothing about this was like how it was with Jesse.
It was simple with him. Besides the part where she pushed him away, they got along. She knew where he stood with her, and she liked spending time with him. Jesse was handsome, and had a nice voice, and he liked her. They made good friends, and it was easy to go from that to a romantic relationship. It was easy to go back to friends, too.
It's stranger, with Emily. Jesse is a happy guy, but the freshman was on a whole other level. When they met at the Hood Party, Emily looked at Beca like she was someone famous, a huge celebrity that signed autographs regularly, instead of some girl that sang in college competitions. The Dean barely even knew they existed, but here was a girl idolizing her, shining eyes and a big smile.
That was probably where it all started. Not that Beca realized at the time. The most she felt was some weird pride, like some reassurance that her talent affected someone.
It was easier with Jesse, because they were both college freshman. They worked together at the radio station, and there wasn't nearly as much pressure. When Beca was a senior, the co-captain of a group going up against every other country after graduation and an intern at a big-name recording studio, Emily was new and young. It was only a few years difference, but they were in completely different places. The only saw each other in rehearsal, when Emily was learning and Beca was stressing. Any time they were close, something came up, usually in the form of Chloe panicking. She did a lot of it, that year, another stress factor in Beca's life.
She wondered how soon she would have caught feelings if Worlds hadn't been an issue that year.
.
If this was what people meant by "don't meet your heroes," Emily wasn't sure how to feel.
On one hand, having a nearly life-dominating crush on someone three years her senior, who barely paid any attention to her on the off-chance she's even around, isn't a lot of fun. She couldn't help but worry she was too weird, too loud, for Beca to stand. Fat Amy's mean comments about her intelligence didn't help. Neither did the insistence about Beca and Chloe being together or whatever. They're cute, and they make logical sense, in a way-but it really hurt to think about knowing her feelings were unrequited. Not that Emily thought it was likely for something to happen. Another con to the 'meet your heroes;' you think they're too amazing to even care about you.
But it was so nice, when the short senior even looked at her. After the riff-off, the only thing that made her feel better about ruining everything was Beca asking about her song. And then Chloe chewed her out, and Beca came to her defense? Emily was on a kind of high. It was such a flip to the first rehearsal, when Beca simply blew her off. Not that Emily blamed her. She seemed super busy.
If Emily was honest, Beca was the only positive part of finally joining the Bellas. They were falling apart as a group, and everyone was fighting about it, and the performances suck like they didn't in all the videos Emily watched before joining (She tried really hard not to think about how they just happened to decline the year she joins) and she wasn't even sure if the other girls think of her as part of the group. She struggled to find any hints that they even like her. But then they were on the bus home and Cynthia-Rose has a burned head and Beca asks about her songwriting again, and even if Chloe interrupted she felt her heart warm up, like the sun went through her skin and replaced her organs with pure light.
She wrote that down for a new song idea.
.
The retreat was...a lot. And yeah, Beca was kind of the cause of that, with her argument with Chloe, and the stupid net kind of ruining her dramatic exit. At least thinking she would die let her say how she really felt, and brought the girls back together.
The campfire was the highlight of the weekend. After a year of struggling to get back in sync, of fights and secrets (also her fault) and catastrophic performances, they sang her dumb audition song and found their sound. Plus there was the collaboration with Emily, a solid way to prove herself to her boss that was so, so hard to impress. She wasn't sure if it was the campfire, or the way they looked at each other and were actually able to speak without being interrupted for about two minutes, or maybe even Emily's little happy dance afterwards, but Beca felt excited about working in a way she hasn't for a while.
.
"I feel the same way about you,"
Emily might not ever forgive herself for letting that one slip. Even "who else feels like a winner tonight" was excusable as mere excitement to have some professional music made out of her song. But who the hell says "I feel the same way about you" when talking about talent envy? She was surprised no one jumped to make fun of her. She supposed it was due to finally feeling like part of the family, the air of love and bonding around the fire, but still.
In the moment, with the light bouncing off her face and her soft voice and the gentlest eyes Emily ever saw, especially from the steely blue of her captain, but she had convinced herself that, maybe, Beca could feel the same. That maybe when she turned her attention to Emily and admitted that she wished she could write songs, she meant something more. Somehow.
She convinced herself more of it every time Beca called her pretty when they were recording her song.
Really, it was the best day of her life. Her song was being produced semi-professionally in the booth of a legit company, and by the girl she had harbored a crush on all year.
And then her boss came in and loved it and then they were hugging and Emily's just proud she didn't have some kind of heart attack.
.
It was finally time for Worlds. And Beca? She was struck, watching Emily politely thank Benji for attending, with a realization. And it wasn't an awful realization.
It seems that her big, romantic move is including songs in incredibly important performances. This thing, with Emily, it was so much like her relationship with Emily.
At the same time, it was so different. A good different, she hoped.