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i.
The first time Yukina thinks of kissing Lisa, her nerves got the better of her.
Lisa has always been the one to initiate things - leaving soft but meaningful touches that sends her skin aflame when they walk next to each other, how Lisa’s finger would linger and glide down her hand, before locking their fingers together, and the few stolen kisses every now and then in secluded corners of the school.
She knows that Lisa has always been the more affectionate of the two of them, even when they were young. But the young Yukina wouldn’t have been this flustered each time Lisa touches her. The young Yukina was more carefree, perhaps more open and honest about her feelings.
Sometimes she wonders if she’ll still be as carefree as she was if her father’s band hadn’t disbanded. But there is no point dwelling about what-ifs. She’s living in the present now, with Lisa by her side.
Lisa.
Thinking about Lisa often brings about a flurry of emotions within her, but most of all, she feels great gratitude to the girl who has always been patiently waiting for her - for believing in her. Although Yukina was the one who took the first step in getting her own feelings across, Lisa had been the one to gradually ease her in being comfortable with physical affection.
She’d never admit it but she has grown used to those gentle and affectionate brushes of touch, and there are times where just a simple touch has a calming effect on her.
Without realizing it, she has grown accustomed to Lisa being openly affectionate towards her, while she, on the receiving end often reciprocates bashfully.
And she wants to return the favor.
Which is why she finds herself staring at Lisa now, trying to will herself to take a step forward and maybe to just casually press her lips against Lisa’s.
Logically speaking, this is one of the best times to do so - since only the two of them are left in the studio, the rest of Roselia had already left earlier.
Just as she tries to take a step forward, a sideward and questioning glance from Lisa is enough to halt her in her steps and Yukina immediately straightens herself, trying to squash down the slight panic that’s beginning to take root within her. She denies that anything’s wrong - Lisa’s often too perceptive for her own good - hoping that Lisa hasn’t somehow guessed what her thoughts are.
Lisa nods, taking her word for it, and they get ready to leave the studio.
Yukina realizes that she has lost her chance but resolves herself to take the initiative next time.
ii.
The second time Yukina gathers up her courage, they are on their school’s rooftop.
The rooftop, as usual, is empty, and instead of sitting at their usual spot, Lisa takes this chance to lean forward onto the railing, deep in thought. It’s not often that Yukina sees her girlfriend in such a contemplative mood but the silver-haired girl remains appropriately silent as she stands next to the brunette.
It would be easy to sneak in a small peck on Lisa’s cheeks, Yukina finds herself along that train of thought as she considers putting her thought into action.
Watching the brunette next to her as her long wavy hair dances slightly along with the light wind, Yukina finds herself transfixed and lost in the image of her girlfriend against the bold and rich orange hues of the setting sun. The wind grazes against them, and as she inhales the faint scent of citrus wafting from Lisa’s perfume, Yukina, for the nth time, thinks just how beautiful Lisa is and her own breath catches in her throat.
She loves the usually cheerful and bubbly Lisa, but the rare and serious expression that adorns her face causes Yukina to be unable to tear her gaze off the brunette - if Yukina was to be honest with herself, the Lisa in front of her looks almost serene.
And she’s never been this glad and happy that Lisa’s right next to her.
She doesn’t realize that she hasn’t taken her eyes off Lisa, or had been lost in thought until she feels a soft yet familiar pressure against her cheek.
She hears a soft chuckle that tickles against her ears and as she blinks, she realizes what has happened and brings her hand towards her now burning cheeks.
“That was easy~” Lisa laughs cheekily but Yukina is still too dumbfounded to actually react.
It takes Yukina a few seconds more to remember how to breathe.
iii.
They are in Yukina’s room on a lazy Saturday afternoon - Yukina’s on her bed, flipping through an old magazine on bands. It’s only a few minutes later that she feels the bed sink slightly, and that Lisa’s arms have snaked its way around her waist, and almost instantly, she finds herself relaxing into the Lisa, enveloped by her warmth.
Lisa leans further in, resting her head against the crook of Yukina’s neck, and absently grasps one of Yukina’s hands into her own, rubbing small circles with her thumbs against Yukina’s own palm.
“...Lisa?” Yukina questions quietly when she hears a quiet yawn.
“Mm…” Lisa mutters back, her words muffled, “Sorry...I’m just a little tired…”
A pinch of worry tugs at the end of Yukina’s chest as she squeezes Lisa’s hand. “Did you stay up late trying to memorize the bass parts of the new song?”
“Ahaha…” Lisa doesn’t say anything else and Yukina sighs, knowing that she had hit the bullseyes. She knows Lisa often feels that her skills as the band’s bassist isn’t on par with the rest of the members, and tends to work over her parts diligently alone at home, out of other people’s sight. But Lisa’s skills have indeed improved considerably and at the heart of Roselia, her place as their bassist is irreplaceable.
“Lisa,” Yukina tries to reproach her girlfriend but a heavy nod against her back gives away the fact that the brunette has probably dozed off.
That girl… Yukina lets out an exasperated but small smile, as she gently removes the arms that are still wrapped around her. She’s met with some resistance from the half-asleep Lisa but the silver-haired girl murmurs back reassuringly, and with some effort, she carefully lies her girlfriend onto her bed.
Lisa immediately curls up like a cat, murmuring incoherently in her sleep, and Yukina’s gaze softens at the sight. The bassist seems to be peacefully asleep, and Yukina allows herself to drink in the sight before her. Sometimes, she’s still unable to believe that they are together, and wonders if this is all a dream.
Yukina shakes her head internally. No, this is real, she reminds herself. It took them awhile to get their feelings for one another sorted out; despite the fact that they are childhood friends who know each other’s habits and are able to sense the change in mood of the other, there are still things that have to be said out loud, and talked through - to get their feelings across.
Almost subconsciously, Yukina reaches for the brunette’s hair, slowly running her fingers through the soft locks, before brushing some stray hairs near the sleeping girl’s closed eyes away.
Lisa…
A sudden surge of fondness washes over her as flickers of sentimentality hits her. Without thinking, she closes in, and tucking her own hair over her ear, her eyes are trained on the soft pink lips that she's moving nearer towards.
Yukina doesn’t hear the knocks or the twist of the knob of her bedroom door so when she hears a footstep creaking in, she freezes in place. Her guts twist in dread but she forces herself to turn to the door. Her mind seems to wither when she registers who the figure is.
At the door stood her father, who has plastered on the calmest and the most unreadable expression she has ever seen.
The middle-aged man in black doesn’t say anything as he slowly backs off, and within the slowest five seconds of Yukina’s life, the door to her room shuts close.
Yukina wishes that the floor of her bedroom would open up and swallow her whole.
iv.
Yukina has always kept the fact that she likes cats hidden - but such a facade is virtually useless against Lisa. Having been with her throughout her entire life, Lisa has easily picked up various little quirks of hers when it comes to cats.
And so here they are, in a nearby park - that they used to play at when they were kids - surrounded by several cats pawing against her shoes and ankle. A gray cat easily hops onto her knee before it climbs over her shoulder, meowing in triumph.
If heaven exists, Yukina likes to think that this is it. Being around cats is just pure bliss, and she has to suppress her excitement when she sees the stray cats that are all vying for her attention. (She’s sure that if she makes any weird sounds she will never hear the end of it from Lisa.) And with each purr, Yukina feels herself ascend.
Bliss. They’re too cute. This is perfect…
“There, there...be patient. There’s enough for everyone,” Yukina coos, unloading the items from a plastic bag and places them on the ground. “Here, there’s no need to rush.” The silver-haired girl continues in a soft and gentle voice, smiling as she scratches the head of a white cat fondly before it trots over to the food. Another one nudges against her other hand, and Yukina subconsciously lets out a squeal of delight at the softness against her palms.
“Cute…”
“Oh~ This side of Yukina’s pretty adorable too~” A sudden teasing voice next to her jolts her out of her little bubble and Yukina snaps her head towards the source of voice-
-and realizes too late that her face is now just an inch away from Lisa’s after miscalculating how close Lisa is beside her.
Yukina’s throat runs dry, as she stills, wide-eyed. If she moves, there’s a chance that her lips will touch Lisa’s. She’s also able to feel the puffs of breath tickling against her skin, and she knows that her face is probably as red as Lisa’s.
What is strange is that Lisa hasn’t made any intention to move - nor has she said anything. It wouldn’t be strange for Lisa to just claim her lips cheekily but the brunette seems to be too astonished to react, and with each passing second, the atmosphere starts to become a strangely tensed. Even the cats around them remain silent.
Just as Yukina decides that maybe, she should just move back, and pretend that this didn’t happen - because even if she wants to use this chance to kiss Lisa the moment was already gone, Lisa suddenly backs off; she looks away - looking anywhere that’s not Yukina’s face and covers her mouth with her hand.
“L-Lisa…?”
“W-What?” Lisa jumps slightly with a stutter.
Yukina’s eyebrow furrows in concern, but at how flushed her girlfriend’s face is, she wonders if Lisa is actually embarrassed after being caught off guard.
An unexpected side of Lisa.
The corners of her lips twist into a smile, and she chuckles inwardly.
Lisa’s adorable too.
v.
It occurs to Yukina that Lisa has often gone over to her room just next door, but it’s been a while since she has visited Lisa’s. Lisa’s room looks the same as always, slightly messy, but as Lisa has always insisted since they were young, it’s an organized mess.
Yukina basks in the comfortable silence, tapping a pencil against her score sheet, deep in thought. Once in a while, her pencil moves to jot down some notes, while Lisa lies at the other end of her bed, similarly marking down parts that she has to take note of during their performance.
Yukina sneaks several glances over at Lisa when she thinks the brunette isn’t looking and observes the myriad of emotions that cross her girlfriend’s features - from confusion to contemplative, before her eyes brighten up when she finally figured something out. And inevitably, Yukina’s eyes would trail to the other girl’s lips. Unlike previous attempts where there’s always a sense of nervousness in trying to take action, Yukina feels that she’s oddly calm now.
“Say, Lisa.” Yukina hears herself say before she’s able to stop herself.
“Hm? What’s up?” Lisa directs her attention towards the silver-haired vocalist, the pencil in her hand stops moving.
Yukina doesn’t really know what she’s doing, if she has to be honest - her body seems to be moving on its own as she leans in.
A second more and their lips would’ve touched - but Lisa flinches a little, and almost moves backward before she realizes that her back is already against her bed frame. Neither of them notices the papers and pencils that are now sprawled all over the floor from their actions.
“Lisa…?” Yukina’s mind starts to whirl, her heart thumping too loudly in her chest as seeds of doubt begin to form in her head. Had she messed up by trying to kiss her? Did...Lisa not want to be kissed by her? A more troubling thought crosses her mind. Did...Lisa not like her anymore? There’s a new and startling fear that starts to creep inside her but Yukina tries to taper down such thoughts. She shouldn’t jump to conclusions.
“N-No! Yukina- I…” Lisa bursts out, recognizing that what she had done might cause misunderstanding to form again. Lisa bites her inner lip, grasping at straws, as she tries to think of something - anything to alleviate the situation.
“I’m- I just…I didn’t mean to-” Lisa tries again. “It’s not- ahh sorry, I’m not making any sense right?” Lisa fumbles for words, and ends up apologizing.
“Lisa.” Yukina tries to calm the panicking girl, placing a hand on her shoulder, and squeezes it reassuringly.
“Yukina- I…” Lisa takes a shaky breath. Breathe. She has to breathe and explain herself. Lisa looks up, a pained expression on her face as she speaks hesitantly. “...Sometimes...I just feel like I’m not...worthy of your affection, ya know?”
Yukina’s eyes widen, the sharp intake of her breath indicating her surprise.
“Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to be next to you,” Lisa continues with a faraway look on her face as her voice grows quieter. “Sometimes I feel that maybe, I’m just imposing my feelings onto you. I’ve always been watching you, and you’re always so far ahead of me- it’s like your presence on stage, it’s so blinding and powerful, and sometimes I’m just...scared. I’m afraid that one day, I won’t be able to catch up to you.”
There’s this intense and indescribable look in her eyes, yet it also looks like she’s about to cry. There’s a constricting pain in Yukina’s chest as she looks into the conflict behind Lisa’s eyes.
Yukina takes a moment to let Lisa’s words sink in before she reaches out and pats the other girl on her head. Her gaze softens a little.
“Lisa,” Yukina begins. “It’s alright. You have every right to be next to me. You’re the reason why I’m sitting here today- the reason why Roselia’s still Roselia. Even when I messed up, you were always there, never giving up on me. If anything, I’m the one who doesn’t deserve to be next to you.”
Once she starts, Yukina knows that she isn’t able to stop. Words that she had meant to tell Lisa starts to pour out.
The silver-haired vocalist continues, “Sometimes, you underestimate yourself, Lisa. You’re important - especially to me. Back then when Roselia just started and I was troubled about accepting the offer from a record label, I yelled at you- but you faced my feelings head-on. Even when I tried to take things upon myself after the performance at SMS- when Roselia started to fall apart all over again- for my sake, you didn’t come after me even though you wanted to. It was then I realized that I’ve always relied on you.”
Back then, Yukina was lost. She was frustrated and she couldn’t find a way out. As Roselia’s leader, she tried to shoulder everything herself, trying to find a way to regain the sound that they have lost. And Lisa wasn’t by her side then. Lisa had tried to do what she was able to, together with Sayo. Without Lisa, Yukina had truly felt alone, and that led to her realization that perhaps she, as with the rest of Roselia, had relied too much on Lisa, and they were often coddled by her. What she should be doing is to walk alongside Lisa, and face their problems together.
“But-” Lisa cuts in, but Yukina shakes her head. “Despite that, I still want to be next to you. Even though I’ve messed up a few times, I still want you.”
These are Yukina's own honest feelings, laid bare.
“Yukina…”
“Lisa.” Yukina’s tone isn’t questioning, yet it holds a much deeper meaning, as if she's asking for permission.
Lisa finally nods.
Yukina smiles and lets her thumb trace the contours of her face, slowly going down her cheeks before it reaches her jaws, and she lightly brushed against Lisa’s lips. The vulnerability hinted behind her gray eyes tugs at Yukina’s heartstring but it also strengthens the resolve within herself.
“I love you,” Yukina says, her voice firm - as if she’s making a declaration. A vow to never lose sight of what’s in front of her, to learn from her past mistakes, and to stay by Lisa’s side forever.
Yukina moves in, and finally captures Lisa’s lips against her own.
The kiss is sweet and tender, and Yukina’s relishes the warmth it brings her. She feels Lisa returning the kiss as their hands move to clutch each other’s backs almost instinctively. A familiar flutter settles at the pit of her stomach as the taste of Lisa pervades her mind, sending tingles throughout her body.
When Yukina pulls away, face tinged pink, she notices that Lisa is in a similar state, struck and face flushed with embarrassment. Her heart still continues to thump quickly in her chest, but Yukina’s unable to resist a growing smile that’s forming on her lips as she stares at Lisa, as if she’s her entire world.
It feels good to finally be able to carry her feelings across.
“...One more,” a barely audible request from Lisa and a shy aversion of her gaze causes Yukina’s heartbeat to speed again.
Yukina leans forward once more.