Work Text:
Tasha stormed out of the locker room. She had messed up, big time. She had messed up everything, starting from her career and ending with the most important thing in her life: her relationship with Reade. She needed to get out of there, out of the building, away from Reade.
She hurried through the familiar corridors, increasing the distance between them. She was afraid he might come after her. It’s not that she didn’t want it, but that is exactly why she was afraid: she knew that if he caught up on her, she wouldn’t be able to resist it. But she had to. She was going down, it was inevitable, but she refused to drag him down with her. He had finally found stability in his life and then she had come between him and his fiancée and she wanted to kick herself for doing that. Now she couldn’t let him throw his whole life away because of her. No, she had to protect him from herself at any cost and if that meant leaving and never looking back, she was ready to do that, no matter how much it hurt. It was better this way.
She ran out the front door of the NYO. She needed to get away from people, to be alone as she felt herself falling apart. She struggled to stay in control and she felt tears burning in her eyes. She didn’t stop until she had reached her own, small apartment and slammed the door behind her. She threw her backpack to the corner of the room and sank on the couch without bothering to take off her jacket.
Finally she let the tears pour from her eyes. She didn’t know what to do. Her whole life was a mess and she had no one left to talk to. She had lost Reade…
She could still feel his lips against hers, feel the roughness of his beard against her skin and she found herself craving the taste of his mouth.
“No, no, no, I can’t…” she whispered quietly and slowly shook her head as if to convince herself.
But she couldn’t stop this with will power. She remembered the desperate taste of the kiss they had shared and the lustful feeling it had caused. She had been afraid to look him in the eye because she had been sure that her eyes would betray her. She wanted him, more than anything else. Her career was over but what hurt her the most was knowing that the only way to protect the team, especially Reade, was to stay away from them. To disappear. To leave them.
She knew how to do that. It had been part of her CIA training. She knew how to disappear without leaving a trace so that even Patterson couldn’t find her. That’s what she should do. That’s what she would have to do. It was her only option.
Then again, what would she do that for? There was nothing left for her in this world. Everything she had ever cared about was her work and the few close friends she had and now she had lost them all at once. What did she have left to live for?
“Reade” a voice in her head whispered to her.
“No…” she whispered back and buried her face into her palms.
Her thoughts kept coming back to Reade and no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t push him out of her mind. His hands grabbing her waist, pulling her into a passionate kiss; hard, but at the same time caring and full of emotion and desperation. Like he had been trying to say “I’m never letting you go”. And the truth was that she didn’t want him to. She wanted him to hold her and touch her, physically and emotionally. She wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and find herself in his safe arms. Arms that made her feel like everything was going to be okay.
But nothing was okay and that was never going to happen. She couldn’t pull him into her mess. She had made her decision.
Or had she?
Yes.
No…
Maybe…
Suddenly she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
“I need air” she mumbled to herself and wiped the tears from her face. Then she grabbed her keys and left everything else behind and headed out the door.
She didn’t pay attention to her surroundings or where she was going. She just walked forward. An old man whistled at her. He was always there, sitting on that same bench, whistling at women who walked by. It usually annoyed her but this time she didn’t even notice him. She just kept walking, determined, as if she knew exactly where she was going. But she didn’t. She just walked forward, like she could escape her problems if she just walked fast enough.
Then a thought crossed her mind: what if she disappeared right now? She could do that. She could walk away and never even go back to her apartment. She could leave and start over somewhere far away, maybe in another country.
Then she thought about Reade again. He deserved an explanation but she wasn’t sure if she could face him again. More than anything else she wanted to surrender herself to her feelings but she knew she couldn’t do that. It would be wrong in so many ways. He had just split up with his fiancée so he probably wasn’t thinking clearly and the last thing she wanted was to use his moment of weakness to her advantage. He couldn’t really feel that way about her, not after everything that had happened over the years. Her reaction when he kissed her after being released from the hospital and the awkwardness that followed… The dark times he had gone through… The hurt when she left the FBI to work for the CIA… Her tearing apart his relationship… How could two people with a history like that ever be happily together? They couldn’t. They were always meant to be best friends, for sure, but they had managed to ruin it. And if they had managed to ruin something so good and real, what would happen if they actually got together?
Then again… What if they were supposed to be together and the only reason things had gone the way they had was that they hadn’t been brave enough to give it a shot? But was she ready to risk that? She had nothing left to lose but Reade was a different thing. The question was which one was better: her disappearing without a goodbye, without and explanation and never knowing what could have happened or giving it a shot and having it end in a heartbreak? Which one would hurt him less?
Suddenly Tasha realized where her feet had led her: she was standing right outside Reade’s apartment building. She had no idea what time it was or how long she had been walking but it was dark by now. Tasha felt a shiver go through her entire body. Had her subconsciousness made the choice for her?
She looked up at his window and bit her lip. She knew what would happen if she went in and she knew that there would be no going back after that. It scared her but still every cell in her body screamed her to go to him. She closed her eyes for a moment and heard Reade’s words in her head:
“If you think about anything long enough, you'll find a reason not to do it.”
Then she made her decision. She took a deep breath and climbed up the stairs to his apartment. She quickly knocked on the door four times before she had time to change her mind. A strand of hair fell on her face and just as she was brushing it back, the door opened. She saw Reade standing just a few feet from her with a confused look on his face and she felt her heart starting to race wildly.
“Tasha?” he sounded surprised.
She looked at him and suddenly all the doubts she had had were gone. She needed him in her life.
And right now she needed to feel him close, to feel his touch and love. And it felt right.
“Let’s not think about it.”