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Lights glittered around the edge of the frozen lake. Laughter echoed off the surface of the ice and music played softly in the background.
Chakotay surveyed the scene and smiled. Most of the crew were here already, having donned warm clothes and skates and taken to the ice. He watched them whiz backwards and forwards, some of them who'd never been skating before being supported by their colleagues.
The ice-skating had actually been Harry Kim's idea – he'd grown up near an ice-rink and his parents had taken him there almost every weekend as a child. Neelix had been trying to think of an idea for a party to celebrate them finally leaving the Void, and Harry had suggested ice-skating. He and Neelix had decided to go the full nine yards and had created a frozen holo-lake surrounded by snow banks and a large, brightly lit log cabin, with roaring fires and hot chocolate available inside. There were hotdogs to eat – at Tom's suggestion – and a small area with tables and chairs for those who wanted to watch the skaters. The lake itself was beautiful, surrounded by dark trees festooned with colourful lights. A frozen river wound off into the distance away form the lake, though no one headed that way because it was unlit and looked rather eerie.
Chakotay collected a pair of skates from the holo-character handing them out and perched on a bench to put them on. Once they were successfully laced – which took longer than he anticipated – he headed over to the edge of the ice, and was just about to step out when B'Elanna came up to him.
"Hi," she said. "So you're crazy enough to go out there, are you?"
He smiled at her. "Sure, why not? It's fun."
B'Elanna's expression clearly indicated her definition of 'fun' definitely didn't include skating. "If you say so."
She paused, and suddenly looked rather embarrassed. Chakotay had a feeling he knew what she was about to say.
"Is the Captain coming?" said B'Elanna.
Chakotay sighed under his breath. "I don't know," he said honestly. "She was invited - I mean, the invitation went out to all hands, but I don't know if she's coming along."
B'Elanna nodded. While the Captain was at least now coming to the bridge, she was still rather formal with them all, including Chakotay, and still wasn't putting in many appearances in the mess hall or at any social activities. They were all still worried about her, but would never have said so to her face.
"You sure I can't convince you to take a turn on the ice?" said Chakotay, smiling, deftly changing the subject.
"Quite sure," said B'Elanna. "I think I'll go try one of those hot dogs that Tom's so fond of." She looked at him, tilting her head slightly to one side. "Why don't you come find me later, we'll have some mulled wine? I hear it's infinitely better than blood wine."
"Not when it's made by Chell and Neelix," said Chakotay, smiling half-heartedly.
"Really?" said B'Elanna, grimacing. "OK, maybe I'll steer clear of that one. I guess hot chocolate it is!"
"I guess," said Chakotay, peering around the lake.
B'Elanna smiled sadly. He could be so obvious sometimes. He was obviously looking for the Captain, wondering if she'd come in while he wasn't looking. She hoped for his sake that she turned up. For a second she considered comming Janeway and convincing her to come, but she quickly realised that would only anger the Captain.
To her surprise, upon looking off to the other side of the lake, she spotted a familiar, upright figure coming in through the holodeck arch. She nudged Chakotay.
"Well, look who's here."
Chakotay swung round to where she pointed and spotted her, a smile spreading across his face. Janeway spotted the two of them at the same moment and raised her hand in greeting, starting over towards them.
"I'm famished," said B'Elanna suddenly. "I'm going for that hot dog. See you in a bit." She was gone before he could say anything in reply.
Janeway made her way over to Chakotay, smiling rather guardedly. "Hello," she said.
"Hello, Captain," he said. "Glad you could make it."
She nodded. "It's been a long time since I've been ice-skating," she said. "Probably – God, about twenty years? I was pretty terrible."
"I'm sure that's not true," said Chakotay, remembering her grace and poise during Talent Night some years previously.
"I'm afraid it is," said Janeway, smiling wryly. "I ended up on my – well, falling over – so many times, I had bruises for weeks. It was fun, though."
"So you decided to give it another shot?"
"So it would appear."
"Good for you. Maybe you'll have more luck this time."
She looked out over the lake, at the beautiful scenery and her crew enjoying themselves.
"This is lovely," she said. "Who designed it?"
"Harry, mostly," he said. "Though quite a few crew members helped with little details. Seems ice-skating was a popular idea."
"Looks like it," she said. "The lake is packed."
"I think it could fit two more," he said. "Come on, get your skates on."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "Aye, Commander," she said, making her way over to the hut to get her own skates.
He felt a smile spread across his face as she walked off. It had been such a long time since he'd really spent any time with her, and so far she seemed to be in a reasonably good mood. He tapped the toe of his skate against a snowdrift and waited for her to tie her skates. After a reasonably long wait, during which he could hear her swearing under her breath at the elaborate laces, she stood up and pointed to the ice.
"Lead the way, Commander."
He grinned and stepped onto the glassy surface. For a few moments his feet slid about almost uncontrollably, before he got his balance and gingerly moved his feet. As it came back to him he made small movements, skating out in a small circle before returning to the side.
"Come on, Kathryn," he said, holding out his hand.
She looked at him, an odd, almost nervous expression flitting across her face, before taking his hand and stepping onto the ice. As soon as both her feet were on the surface she pulled her hand out of his, aware of several crewmembers watching their captain take to the ice.
She stood as still as possible for some moments, wavering on the spot, trying to get her balance. Shifting one foot, then the other, she moved forward an infinitesimal amount, before one of her feet started to slide somewhere she didn't want it to go, and before she knew what was happening she was toppling to the ice in a heap.
Chakotay heard the thud and swung round. "Whoops," he said, smiling. "Want a hand up?"
"No, thank you, I can manage," came Kathryn's voice, rather clipped. She tried to stand and Chakotay stifled a laugh as her feet slid about beneath her. Eventually she got to her feet and attempted to push forward again, toppling forwards this time. She put her hands out to stop herself and stayed fixed in that position for a few moments, bent double at the waist, her hands and feet on the ice. She thought for a while she might be able to get upright again, but began to feel her feet sliding away behind her. Rather than land in a bizarre star position face down on the ice, she bent her legs and fell to her knees rather painfully.
"Ow, dammit," she muttered, twisting round to sit on her backside.
Chakotay was still beside her, and before she could protest he grabbed her arms and pulled her up. She was rather pink-cheeked from a combination of exertion and embarrassment.
"OK," he said. "Have another go. You need to start by – whoa!" he said, as she flailed and hit the ice again.
From the lake's edge, B'Elanna sat watching the Captain and Chakotay. Janeway had been out there no more than ten minutes and had already fallen over about five times. Although she looked embarrassed she kept picking herself up and trying again. B'Elanna wondered if Janeway was enjoying herself, or if she was doing all this for the crew's benefit.
Looking away from Janeway, who seemed to be on the floor again, she noticed Chakotay seemed happier than he'd been in ages. Since their time in the Void he'd been rather withdrawn – they'd all been affected by it, but him especially – he'd become sullen, quieter than usual, and while he still met up with her for the odd game of Velocity she always felt that his heart wasn't quite in it. She had a feeling that the total withdrawal of the Captain had something to do with it – Chakotay usually spent quite a lot of time with her when they were off-duty, be it eating meals together, playing Velocity or sitting in Sandrine's with the rest of them, but as far as she could make out, he hadn't seen much of her in the last month either, except when he delivered her the occasional status report, and she always dismissed him quickly. She herself was spending most of her free time with Tom, and she felt guilt stab at her as she realised she should have offered to spend some more time with him.
Watching him now, though, she realised it wasn't really her company he wanted. Once upon a time this fact would have made her incredibly jealous, but now she smiled as she watched him. He was smiling too, laughing, and she could hear his voice carrying across the ice. He was rather red in the face and seemed to be having a great time, even though he didn't seem to be actually doing much ice-skating, involved as he was with picking up the Captain again and again.
Oh well, I hope he's enjoying himself, she thought, and smiling, headed off to grab some hot chocolate.
Chakotay was having the time of his life. Kathryn wished she could say the same. She was on her backside again, on the ice, and getting colder and sorer by the minute. She didn't even want to think about the bruises she'd have tomorrow.
"Come on," said Chakotay from above her. "Up you get." He reached down to haul her to her feet again.
She brushed some powdered ice from the back of her jacket and nodded to two crewmembers who whizzed by, experts already. Even little Naomi Wildman was managing to inch forward, Samantha and Neelix each holding one of her hands. She looked up at Chakotay slightly apologetically.
"Sorry," she said. "I seem to have lost my touch. Though I'm not sure I ever had one to begin with."
"It's alright," he said cheerfully. "I'm sure you'll get the hang of it. Want to go out a bit further?"
"Not really," she said, rubbing at her lower back.
"Are you hurt?" he said with concern.
"Oh, no," she said, waving a hand expansively. "Nothing badly injured except my ego." Although she knew no one would hold it against her, and several people had taken even more tumbles than she had, she couldn't help but feel it was somewhat undignified for the Captain to be sprawled on the ice for most of the evening. She sighed, and looked up at Chakotay.
"Why don't you go off for a bit?" she said to him. "I must be holding you back."
Chakotay wasn't quite sure what to say. He'd never been ice-skating as a youth, having grown up on a desert world, and had tried it for the first time not long after he'd started Starfleet Academy. He'd been even worse than Kathryn then, but had quickly got the hang of it. He'd been several times since then, and loved the feeling of moving at speed, the icy breeze whipping in his face, dodging round other skaters, or sometimes crashing into them. A tiny part of him wanted to take off up the river, experience the rush again, but the biggest part wanted to stay with her. He hadn't spent any time with her for such a long time that he felt like an addict, desperate to get his fix in before he might have to go without again.
"You mind if I don't?" he said finally. "You're doing fine. Let's go out just a bit further."
She sighed. "Alright. Fine. But I think I might need an extra cushion on my chair tomorrow, if I fall on my backside much more."
"I'm sure that can be arranged, Captain." Encouraged by how easily she agreed, he took her gloved hand in his and gently pulled. An expression of surprise crossed her face, and for a brief moment he thought she'd pull her hand away again – they were still in front of the crew, after all – but as his tug caused her to start drifting forwards on her skates she clung tightly to him, her other hand coming to grip his forearm as she wobbled.
"Whoa," he said. "Why don't I go behind you?"
"Alright," she said breathlessly, and he moved behind her, releasing one of her hands and moving his to her waist. She felt more secure but slightly embarrassed, though none of the crew seemed to have noticed – or if they had, they didn't seem to care.
Janeway was reminded of an old dance move she had learned as a child as they inched forward, one of his hands still on her waist, the other holding hers. She suddenly gasped as a squealing Ensign came hurtling past, and her feet seemed to go in about six different directions at once. Chakotay's gentle grip on her waist suddenly tightened as she lost her balance, and somehow he managed to keep both of them upright.
Now panting slightly, she set her jaw and wriggled out of his grasp. Concentrating hard on keeping her balance, she set off ahead of him, slowly, slightly wobbly, but surely.
He watched her, smiling. He knew she'd get it, especially once she set her mind to it. A Lieutenant from the sciences division was moving in the opposite direction, and he watched as they both steered round each other, grinning at each other.
"Commander," the young woman said distractedly as she slid past him, her eyes riveted to the ground, concentrating on moving her feet correctly.
Ho looked back at Kathryn to see her smiling back at him. "Come on, Chakotay," she said. "Keep up."
"Yes, ma'am," he said, catching up with her in a heartbeat. "So you want to race, do you?"
"Well, I don't think-"
"Last one to the side buys the hot chocolate?"
"I don't-"
But he was tugging on her hands, and she was moving again. He let go, and she moved forward, her confidence building. She knew he was going slowly for her benefit, but nevertheless the goal of catching up with him, of winning, spurred her on, and she picked up her pace, despite the occasional wobble. Her fear made adrenaline course through her veins and with it, the desire to move faster, to fly across the ice like she saw some of the crew doing. Biting her lip, she pushed off from one of her skates harder than usual, and her stomach jolted as she whizzed forward.
Stopping herself from letting out a very un-Captainly whoop of excitement she sped on, the other side of the lake getting closer and closer. She passed him – she was going to win!
The tables and chairs at the side of the lake were mostly empty, as everyone was enjoying themselves on the ice, but a few of the crew were scattered around the tables, drinking warm drinks and chatting. Kathryn suddenly realised she was hurtling towards them - and had absolutely no idea how to stop at this sort of speed.
What was she going to do? There was no barrier to stop her forward momentum, and Chakotay was too far behind her to grab her and stop her.
There was nothing for it – she was going to have to follow the curve of the frozen river and head away from the lit area – maybe there she'd be able to slow down to a more dignified stop, rather than sending tables, chairs and various crewmembers flying.
With some difficulty she turned, quite sharply, and flailed slightly as she rounded the corner. Oh, very graceful, Kathryn, she thought, but at least she now had open ice in front of her again.
It was getting rather dark down here, though. The lights around the lake didn't stretch this far, and as Kathryn whizzed on the noise of the party quieted, until all she could hear was her own panting breath and the scrape of her skates.
She stopped pushing with her skates, letting herself glide, and she did indeed seem to be slowing down. She looked up from the ground for a moment, staring around, trying to orient herself with this new part of the lake, when suddenly she moved one of her feet a couple of inches in the wrong direction.
She wasn't entirely sure what happened, only that it felt like her legs had got tangled up with each other and she was falling, painfully, onto the ice, her momentum carrying her forward until she slid to a stop.
Groaning, she mentally checked herself and discovered that, apart from a few fresh bruises, she seemed miraculously uninjured, and heaved herself into a sitting position. Her elbow throbbed where she'd landed on it and her hands were freezing, despite her gloves, which were now soaking wet. She went to stand up and her feet slid from underneath her as she leaned on her hands.
She sat back down, heavily, and sighed. She knew she was only feeling sorry for herself because she was cold, tired, sore and more than a little humiliated – what must everyone have thought when they saw her take off up the river?
She wondered where Chakotay was. He had been behind her, yes, but not by much – she'd only overtaken him because she had the element of surprise, and she was sure he'd catch up to her in no time. Didn't he wonder why she'd come up here?
I wish he would come up here, she thought, shivering. She didn't seem to have the energy to scrabble around on the ice and pick herself up.
A wave of self-reproach suddenly washed over her. What was she doing? She was a Starfleet captain, sitting on a dark, frozen holographic lake feeling sorry for herself and getting colder by the minute. Why wasn't she up, heading back towards the party and getting out of here?
She looked out over the little stretch of ice she was sat on and felt the simulated breeze ruffle her hair. She shivered. She wished she'd worn a hat, now - she nearly had, but she'd tried the regulation woolly hat on before leaving her quarters and been horrified. Vanity had won out, in the end, and she'd shoved the hat back into the depths of her drawer.
As the cold seemed to seep into her bones, she was reminded of another frozen lake, another cold night, which seemed like a lifetime ago, now. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and pushed away the images that threatened to surface – the shuttle, disappearing beneath the surface, the black ice, the biting, freezing cold. She couldn't remember who had lifted her from the ice then, she had been in too much pain.
She looked back at the bend in the river, and silently willed Chakotay to appear round it, even as part of her told her she was being pathetic. She could pick herself up and make her own way back, so why did she suddenly desperately want to be lifted from the ice into warm arms, and cared for?
She knew he would. If he came round the bend and saw her sitting here, he would immediately worry, that she had fallen and couldn't get up because she was injured. He would probably blame himself, for not coming straight after her, and she realised, feeling slightly guilty, that she welcomed the prospect of his warm concern. At the same time, she knew she would brush off his worry, say her usual "I'm fine"s and refuse any offer of help.
What would she do, she thought, if their situations were reversed? Obviously, he was a far more able ice-skater than she was, but what would she do if she came looking for him and found him sprawled on the ice? She'd worry, of course, that he'd hurt himself. That was obvious. And she'd try to help him. And how would she feel if he ignored her, told her he was fine, and headed off without her?
She knew how she'd feel - she'd be angry, and would feel like she'd been worrying for nothing. Which, even if it were true, would still be humiliating.
And he was such a caring man. He had tried to look after her during their time in the Void, and she'd pushed him away time and again without even really knowing why she was doing it. If the situations had been reversed, she doubted if she'd keep coming back the way he had done, she would become frustrated and angry at his lack of response and would have left him alone. But he had kept coming back. She hadn't deserved his concern.
Taking a deep breath, she shifted round to kneel on the ice, and after several attempts and a great deal of frustration, she managed to stand. Feeling rather pleased with herself, she pushed off in the direction she had come, and moved no more than two feet forward before overbalancing and ending up back on the ground again.
She felt like crying. What was wrong with her? She'd made it out here, hadn't she? Just as she was about to channel her irritation into getting upright again, she heard someone come round the corner.
In the darkness, she couldn't make out who it was yet, but she knew it could only be one person.
"Where have you been?" she cried, as he got close enough to recognise.
"Kathryn!" said Chakotay in alarm, skating right up and dropping to one knee beside her. "Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine," she snapped. "I just can't get off this damn ice." She immediately regretted her words, but he didn't seem to mind, and reached out for her.
"Let me help you," he said, grasping her upper arms, and she let him lift her to her feet. He was warm and solid and reassuring and she suddenly felt like embracing him tightly and burrowing her head into his chest, but instead she started to try and skate off. Her legs were wobbly from the cold and she found, to her irritation, that she wasn't capable of getting very far without holding onto him.
"Are you sure you're alright?" he said, as they started to move slowly back towards the party.
"Yes," she said. "I just fell. God knows you've seen me do that enough times tonight."
"What were you doing out here?"
She sighed. "I couldn't stop. When I got to the other side, to the tables, I couldn't stop. I was going too fast. So I thought I'd come a little way up the river, slow down a bit, then come back. I suppose it means I lost our race."
"Not at all," said Chakotay. "You did reach get there first, even if you – kept going." She could hear the amusement in his voice, and she frowned.
"I wondered where you were off to," he said. "I thought there might be a different entrance to the cabin up here. I went inside and waited for you, but when you didn't come I started to wonder –" he stopped, and his grip on her arm tightened almost imperceptibly. "Well. I found you, anyway."
"I'm glad you did," she said quietly. The river ahead was beginning to lighten, now, and she could hear the laughter of her crew carrying over the ice. It was like a balm to her soul, hearing them enjoying themselves so much.
"Is everyone having fun?"
"They're having a great time," he said. "Though a few people were asking about you. They saw you whizzing off."
"Oh, God." She dropped her head, her cheeks flaming. "They must think I'm such an idiot."
"I doubt it," he said. "No more of an idiot than a lot of other people out there. Ensign Baytart has already been taken to sickbay with a sprained wrist, Tom Paris crashed into one of the tables at the side of the lake-"
"See, they should have put a barrier there," she interrupted.
"And Chell slipped and injured his knee. So not being able to stop and then falling over is hardly the most – dramatic incident of the evening. Sorry if you were hoping to steal their thunder." His tone was light and teasing, and she smiled.
"Well, I suppose I'll let them have this one." She shivered. "I'm exhausted. And my ankles ache like you wouldn't believe."
"I've got your hot chocolate ready," he said. "Want to give up on the skating for now?"
"Oh, yes please," she said, as they arrived back at the side of the lake. "Sounds wonderful."
Chakotay lifted her off the ice before she could protest, and as her feet touched the rubber flooring at the lakeside she sighed in relief. "Thank you, Commander," she said, smiling at him and placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Any time," he said, grinning.
Janeway looked around, and moved carefully over to a nearby table where Tom and B'Elanna were sitting, getting used to the odd sensation of walking on her skates.
"Hello, Captain," said Tom as she approached. "Enjoying yourself?"
"Yes, thank you," she said, surprised to find that she meant it. She spotted the splintered remains of a table leaning against a tree trunk. "That your work, Tom?" she said, indicating it.
"Uh – yes, Captain. I was a little – overenthusiastic coming up to the tables."
"Sounds familiar," she said, smiling. "I didn't see you out on the ice, B'Elanna?"
"No, Captain," said B'Elanna, rubbing her hands together. "Not really my scene."
"I tried to make her, but she wouldn't have it," said Tom. "Come on, B'Elanna, it's fun!" he said, turning to her. "Isn't it, Captain?"
Janeway smirked. "I think B'Elanna has the right idea, actually," she said. "I'm about done in, and I was only out there about half an hour."
Tom shook his head in mock disappointment. "Well, I'm not letting a minor furniture incident stop me. I'm heading back out – Commander, are you coming?"
Chakotay threw the merest half-glance in Kathryn's direction before replying. "No thanks, Tom, maybe later. My hot chocolate's getting cold."
Tom turned to B'Elanna, his look beseeching. "Come on," he said, taking her hand. "Unless you want to sit here by yourself?"
She looked at him through narrowed eyes for a long moment, until one side of her mouth quirked up. "Fine," she said. "As long as you're ready to be beaten soundly in a race."
"I thought you'd never skated before?"
"I haven't," said B'Elanna, getting up. "But I can still beat you."
"Sounds like a challenge!" said Tom, excitedly, as she moved away to find some skates. "Have a good evening, Captain, Commander!" he said, as he hurried after her.
Kathryn and Chakotay laughed as Tom and B'Elanna disappeared off. "Now why do I think that challenge will end in tears?" said Chakotay, as they headed towards the cabin.
Kathryn nodded, laughing. "Or broken bones," she said, pushing the door open.
Warmth and light flooded over her, and she sighed happily as Chakotay pulled the door shut behind them. There were only about six other people in here, and she and Chakotay moved over to a battered, but very soft-looking sofa next to a roaring fire. Kathryn nearly groaned with pleasure as she sank into it, still wearing her skates. Chakotay dropped into the seat next to her and started working on the laces of his own skates.
"Don't get too comfortable," she said. "Where's my hot chocolate?"
He laughed, and re-tied his lace. "Coming right up," he said, heading through to the other side of the cabin, where a row of bright copper urns held hot drinks for the frozen crew.
Kathryn leaned forwards to work on her own laces and watched him fondly. Although she hadn't been keen on coming tonight, and was going to ache like hell tomorrow, she was starting to feel glad she'd come. Everyone seemed to be having a lot of fun, and – she admitted to herself – she had missed Chakotay's friendship, his presence. During their time in the Void, when she had spent most of her time in her quarters, she had hardly seen him, except when he came to give her reports, and he even stopped doing that when she pointed out that most of those could be submitted electronically. Dinner invites, games on the holodeck, she had refused them all. As he headed back over with their drinks, she wondered if she had damaged their friendship beyond repair. He had been kind and attentive to her tonight and she felt, for the first time in ages, that maybe she could put this episode behind her.
He settled back beside her and began untying his boots again, finally pushing them off and wiggling his toes. She smiled, she had done the same when she had finally got the damn things off – they were incredibly uncomfortable, and the muscles in her ankles and calves were screaming at her. Now she was warming up, she removed her heavy, padded jacket and stretched, wincing as her elbow ached. She remembered she'd fallen on it earlier, and rolled her sleeve up to examine it in the firelight. There was a rather large, angry looking bruise blooming on her elbow - to match the ones on my backside, she thought, blushing slightly.
"Ouch," said Chakotay, looking at it. "That looks nasty. Do you want to get it looked at?"
"No, it's fine," she said, flexing her arm a few times experimentally. "It looks worse than it is, I think." She lifted her hot chocolate and toasted him. "to my protector, out in the frozen wastelands." He clinked his mug against hers and she took a long, warming sip.
A comfortable silence fell between them before she spoke again.
"Seriously, though. Thanks, for – everything. Out there."
"Any time. I didn't do much."
"You picked me up a lot."
He laughed. "Well, I couldn't let you lie around on the ice all night – you'd get a chill, and then end up in sickbay, and I'd have more work than I know what to do with."
She smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. "You always do that," she said quietly. "Look out for me. Pick me up when I fall."
He gathered she wasn't just talking about the ice-skating any more.
"It's in my job description," he said, smiling at her, aware of the familiar feeling of peace he felt in her presence settling over him. It had been too long since he'd felt it.
"Is that why you do it?" she said, her expression neutral. "Because it's your duty?" She didn't sound annoyed, just curious, and he considered before answering.
"It's in my job description as your friend, too, Kathryn, not just your first officer."
She smiled at him, genuinely this time, and slid down the sofa cushions slightly, resting her feet on the coffee table, closer to the warm flames. Her smile faded.
"I'm afraid I haven't been a very good friend to you, lately," she said, staring sightlessly into the fire. He stayed silent, sensing she needed to talk.
"I feel – I owe you an apology. I've treated you – everyone, really, but especially you – very badly, recently. You've done so much for me and I never once thanked you. I haven't even spent any time with you in – well, over a month – and I know you were trying to help me. I just – " she sighed. "I don't know. I didn't want it. Part of me wanted to accept it, but I - couldn't. "
She leaned her head against the back of the sofa. "You didn't deserve that kind of treatment. I didn't care then, but I do now, and I can only say how sorry I am . I hope you know how much your concern meant to me, even if – I wasn't very appreciative at the time." Her voice was almost a whisper by the end, almost as if she was speaking to herself, and she jumped when he laid one of his large hands over her forearm.
Chakotay remembered Tuvok's recent words: guilt has been her constant companion. He knew Kathryn had suffered in the Void, and had despaired at being able to get through to her. He was terrified of what would happen if they ended up having to spend years in there.
He squeezed her arm gently and shook his head. "Doesn't matter," he said quietly. "Those sort of situations affect people in different ways. You saw what happened to Neelix."
This didn't make her feel any better. "Yes, but he still tried to help, tried to get out and make himself useful. Whereas I had never felt more useless."
Chakotay decided to divert her from this downward spiral of thoughts.
"Well," he said, patting her arm and moving to get up. "We got through it, in the end. You don't need to apologise for anything. Just – promise me something."
"What?" she said softly, leaning close to him.
"If you ever feel like that again, don't lock yourself away. Let us help you. It's not weak to need other people sometimes, and we all … that's all we want, is to help you."
"We?" said Kathryn, smiling wryly. "Is that the Royal We?"
Chakotay smiled bashfully. "OK, I'm mainly talking about myself, but a lot of the others missed you too. They were always asking after you, wondering if you were coming to any of the social events we had during the time to stop everyone going crazy from boredom. Seven wanted to play Velocity with you, talk to you. She's missed you, and so have I."
"I'm sorry," she said automatically.
"I told you, you don't have to apologise, we understand," he said. "Just – let us in next time." He smiled at her, his expression full of affection. "Let me in."
She grinned back, the first proper smile he'd seen from her in ages. It did his soul good. "I'll do my best, Chakotay."
"That's all I can ask," he said; she noticed he'd dropped the 'we'. "Do you want another hot chocolate?"
"Please," she said, smiling as he headed of to get their drinks. She felt almost giddy, happier than she had in months, revelling in their renewed friendship and just being here with him. He appeared to have forgiven her for her behaviour over the last few months and for that, she was profoundly grateful. Her words from almost a year previously floated through her mind – I can't imagine a day without you - and she wondered, not for the first time, how in the world she'd cope if he wasn't around.
He returned, passing her the warm mug and she beamed at him. "Thank you," she said, poking a finger into the cream on the top. "So," she continued. "Tell me about what happened to poor Chell and the others."
"Oh," he said, laughing at the memory. "Well, let's just say, it involved rather too much mulled wine."
"There's mulled wine? And you never told me?"
"I thought you were unsteady enough on your feet as it was."
"Oh, charming! Although, you may have a point."
"Yes – anyway, Chell was helping Neelix mix the wine, and of course he had to have a taste, make sure it was right…"
Kathryn sat and let his voice wash over her, enjoying the warmth and animation in his voice as he told the story. She soon found herself totally involved, laughing at the antics of Chell and Neelix, who'd somehow managed to make the wine without killing each other, getting rather tipsy in the process.
"So, of course, Neelix tells him, it has to be authentic, and no one's going to want to drink mulled synthehol…"
Some time later, they'd finished off yet another drink and were both sat low on the sofa, their heads lolled back. Kathryn's eyes had drifted closed and Chakotay was so relaxed, he thought he might fall asleep any moment.
He jumped as the door of the cabin slammed open and the Delaney sisters barrelled in, heading straight over to the hot chocolate urns. They refilled their mugs and headed back outside, giggling all the way.
Chakotay turned to Kathryn and watched her for a while. Her face looked peaceful, her eyelids fluttering and her hair in disarray from her adventures on the ice. Smiling, he placed a hand on her shoulder and gently shook her. She jerked awake.
"What?" she said, looking around blindly.
""It's OK," he said, "You just dozed off."
"Oh," she said, flexing her neck. "How long was I asleep for?"
"Not very long," he said. "A couple of minutes. Do you want to make a move?"
"Yes, I think so," she said. "I could sleep right here, though it might be a bit uncomfortable when the program is deactivated."
"Definitely," he said, picking up his skates and hers. "I'll go and get your shoes."
"Oh no, don't worry, I'll-"
"No, I'll be back in a minute."
He headed off and she sank back into the cushions, combing a hand through her hair, attempting to smooth it. He was back in a matter of minutes with their shoes and she slipped them on, revelling in the comfort after the skates. Donning coats and scarves once again they headed outside.
They walked around the edge of the lake, watching the last few hardy souls whizzing about on the ice. Sam Wildman was sitting at a table with B'Elanna and Vorik, Naomi asleep on Sam's lap. Tom was holding an ice pack to his knee and looked annoyed. B'Elanna looked rather smug. Janeway and Chakotay waved their goodnights to the group as they passed.
They reached the arch of the holodeck doors, which opened obediently, revealing the familiar corridor beyond. They made their way to the turbolift, an easy silence hanging between them.
In the lift, Chakotay noticed Kathryn looking at him intently. "What's up? I know that look."
"I was just thinking."
"Oh dear."
"Perhaps." Her expression turned impish. "I was thinking – my ice skating skills, as I'm sure you noticed, could use some work."
"Well," he said, trying to be diplomatic, "maybe a little. But you were getting pretty good by the end there." He paused. "Before you disappeared off and fell over."
"Yes, thank you," she said, frowning at him in mock outrage. "You're not going to let me live that down, are you?"
"Probably not," he said, turning the full force of his dimples on her, and she felt the last of her self-pity from earlier evaporate.
"Well, anyway, I was thinking," she continued. "I'd like to practice some more, and I was wondering if you'd care to give me some pointers?"
"Really?" he said, pleased.
"Yes, if you wouldn't mind."
Wouldn't mind? He could have hugged her. This was the Kathryn he had missed, ready to take on a new challenge, and with him at her side. He was delighted.
"The program will need some changes, though," said Kathryn thoughtfully. "We'll have to have somewhere with railings, for starters. And no one about for me to crash into."
No one about; this was sounding better by the minute. "Sounds good. Tell you what, as your personal skating tutor, how about you let me sort out the practice area?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Alright, it's in your hands."
"And you mentioned once you like skiing, maybe we could give that a try."
Her eyes lit up. "I'd like that. I'm much better at skiing. Much less damaging for my ego."
"How about snowboarding?"
She laughed. "Let's not run before we can walk, Chakotay. Or, skate, as the case may be."
"Fair enough," he said. "How's Tuesday?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Your first lesson. How's Tuesday?"
"Oh, fine."
"Good. Let's say 1800 hours. We can get some dinner too, afterwards."
She didn't say anything and he turned, worried he was being overbearing.
"If you want to, that is."
She beamed, and his worries eased. "I'd love to."
The turbolift doors swished open at deck 3 and they walked out towards their respective quarters.
To his great surprise, once they reached his quarters, she reached up and kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you again, for tonight," she said. "I had a lovely time, in the end. I didn't think I would, to be honest, but –" she shrugged. "I'm looking forward to your lessons," she added.
"Good," he said. "I'm sure you'll be an excellent student." His eyes glinted, and she grinned.
"I'll do my best. Goodnight, Professor Chakotay," she said, turning and heading off to her own quarters.
"Goodnight, Kathryn," he called, before keying in his code and wandering into his darkened quarters.
Without raising the lights, he collapsed onto his sofa and looked out at the stars. He was exhausted, but happy. He'd had a wonderful night, and it had done his heart good to reconnect with Kathryn. Their friendship meant the world to him, and he rejoiced now it seemed to be back on track. He looked forward with no small sense of anticipation to her ice-skating lessons the following week.
He certainly had a lot to teach her…