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“Do you mind if I dump my junk here?”
Dan is standing in his doorway with a training bag over his shoulder and a box so big it almost covers his face. Phil opens the door wider.
“I guess.”
It’s not the first time Dan elopes to him when his life is falling apart. He already has his own drawer and even a toothbrush here. There’s his iPad charger that got so tangled with Phil’s own wires that he just gave up and bought another one. He even has his own set of pajamas that Phil fully donated to him after a couple of sleepovers.
“I mean, why do I even bother?” Dan puts the box on the floor, throws the bag on the sofa, and takes his jacket off. Phil can guess what’s going on. Though he won’t deny Dan the pleasure to tell everything himself.
“It’s been dragging for months now.”
Phil knows, of course, he does. He knows everything and a bit more than he’d prefer. He knows that Tommy’s been indifferent recently. He knows they didn’t have proper sex in weeks. He knows Dan hopelessly tried to revitalize that feeling he had when they just met. It happens. You fall out of love, of infatuation, and you don’t want to work on it anymore. That’s okay. Dan will be okay.
***
Phil pours Dan’s cold tea down the drain, swipes the crumbs of cookies off the table, listens to Dan unpacking in the other room. He has a guest bedroom but Dan never uses it. “It’s damp in there and you really need to turn that mattress over.”
Besides, the bed in his own room is giant and his wardrobe is half empty anyways so Dan can temporarily store his clothes there.
***
“It’s almost like you’re married guys,” Cat laughs and Phil takes a sip of his cappuccino to hide a smile. They could be, really. If their life was a cheesy rom-com, they would have already drunkenly promised to each other to get married if they’re single by forty.
“Yeah, that’s probably the only thing that separates us,” Dan says. It’s hard to understand if he’s serious or not, so Cat just laughs again. Phil knows that it’s almost true.
Dan reached for him on the second night, a tentative hand, his touch soft and gentle, as Dan can only be with Phil. They tug each other’s bottoms down and touch, roughly and so so lovely, kisses loud and demanding in the dark.
“Fuck, I missed this.”
Phil loves to be special in Dan’s life, loves to know some part of him will always be longing for Phil’s body on top of him, always searching for the feeling of Phil’s heavy cock in his mouth.
“Jesus, I can’t even fully take you.” The surprise, the astonishment in his voice makes Phil’s thighs jump and he spills all over Dan’s chest. Dan follows, rubbing himself against Phil’s leg.
***
“I’m sorry, I will move out soon. Just need to find a place near work.”
He’s apologizing and washing dishes, stacking them neatly by the sink to dry off later. Trying to justify his existence in Phil’s flat. See? I’m useful. I give just as much as I take. Phil knows Dan will never take advantage of their friendship, knows that he’s actually looking for a new place. That’s very nice of him. Almost too nice.
***
Tommy is standing in his doorway, hands in his pockets, and Phil really wants to punch him.
“He doesn’t want to see you.” Phil doesn’t actually know if that’s true. A shitty move, yes, but he really has no time for this man. Or for any man in Dan’s life. This thought is troubling.
“Um, no. I’m going to my parents for a week and he forgot the keys, so.” Tommy shrugs awkwardly and extends his arm to give Phil the keys. “He will probably want to get all his stuff while I’m not there.”
“Okay.”
***
Phil is not eager to go to Dan and Tommy’s flat and witness the remains of their love. He doesn’t want to hear Dan reminisce all the stories and romantic gestures and even the bad times while he stuffs bags with all his knick-knacks.
“Do you need this?”
It’s a ceramic plant pot Dan and Tommy made together in a pottery class but never got around to actually use. It’s been standing empty on the windowsill for ages.
“Nah,” Dan says and turns back to the DVD shelf where they kept their movie collection.
The whole thing doesn’t take more than two hours and the only sentimental emotion Dan expresses is for the Switch they bought together.
“I guess Tommy wanted it more so I’ll leave it to him,” he finally decides. “I can use yours anyways.”
He winks at Phil with this playful certainly that wakes something in Phil’s chest.
***
“What do you think about this one?”
Phil leans closer to Dan, the distance between them on the couch is small and comfortable. Dan shows him the pictures of a simple yet big, fully furnished flat.
“Two bedrooms, a fucking balcony overlooking the park. There’s even a fireplace.”
It’s perfect. It’s near Dan’s work, close to the city center but hidden from the tourists. It even says pet-friendly in the caption which will finally allow Dan to get a dog.
“Hmm, I don’t know, my place is better,” says Phil.
Dan gives him a look.
“Yeah, okay, I’ll just stay with you forever.”
“Okay.”
Phil’s heart is doing some acrobatic tricks. His body is warning him: that’s too far, abort, abort, abort!
Dan’s eyes are soft and his lips are right there when he whispers.
“Are you serious right now?”
***
Sex feels different. Why? He finds the answer somewhere between the moment when Dan rolls his hips and his own sharp moan. They linger in the kiss, Dan never stops moving, their heartbeats so close, echoing each other. Dan whispers something into his lips, with so much intent that Phil can swear he can hear him say those words. It threatens to burst something in his chest.
Did he always love Dan?
Did Dan always love him?
Dan clings to him in the shower. The water is too hot for Phil, but Dan is relaxed, enjoying how the burning mist feels on the small of this back.
It’s liberating, that’s what it is. Saying these words and hearing them back. Touching Dan and knowing that it’s right. That it’s not just for today or another week, or until Dan finds a flat or another shitty boyfriend. It’s finally them.
“I’ve been so stupid,” Dan’s voice is muffled where he breathes the words into Phil’s chest. “I didn’t know what I wanted.”
Phil hugs him closer, grazes his arms along Dan’s broad back, pauses at those wonderful back dimples that he promises to cherish forever.
“Yeah, same here.”