Chapter Text
Everything was too bright. Too loud. The hustle and bustle made your mind spin, and made you want to run right back out the door to… somewhere else.
The thought kept you firmly planted in your spot. You had nowhere else to go.
No one noticed you, for a while, which was a blessing, because you could try and get your bearings in this unfamiliar place. It was so big. This whole city. And pieces kept coming back to you, driving you further and further to the edge of tears. What had you done. A gun, a trigger, a body. In that order.
Gun, trigger, body. You had finally snapped.
“Can I help you?” A man with slicked-back hair pulled you out of your nightmare. He was kind looking, but his very height made you want to shiver and back away, pleading guilt.
“I…” You looked around, hands crossed over your chest like you were holding yourself together. “I need to speak with someone.”
A concerned look crossed his face. Too much like Avery. Too much, too much
“Not.. you.” You winced at what came out of your mouth, and the left side of your body flinched in anticipation of retribution.
“Olivia.” The man immediately caught the attention of a brown-haired woman passing by with a steaming cup of something. “Got one for you.” He turned back to you. “This is our sergeant, Olivia Benson. She’s gonna take good care of you, okay?”
Wide eyed, you nodded. “Will you follow me, please?” the woman speaking now. She too looked concerned, holding out a hand in a gesture of ‘Come this way’. You took a step forward, then another, feeling the reluctance tug at your rigid body like a rubber band stretched too thin. Careful to never touch her waiting hand, you trailed her to a cozy looking room, despite the big table and utilitarian chairs. She closed the blinds and the door after setting her cup down and took a chair a few paces away from you.
“My name is Olivia Benson; I’m the sergeant of this unit. Is there anything I can get you? Water, something to eat?”
“No. Thank you.” Your brain was mush, and it took you a minute or so of staring into space to get your thoughts together. To her credit, Olivia simply sat, stirred her coffee, and waited, like this was the most normal thing in the world.
“Is this the… the special victims? I heard- I heard that was… that you can protect people.”
“This is the special victims unit, yes.” The sergeant looked at you with kindness. “Can you tell me your name?”
“Y/N. Y/L/N.”
“Okay, Y/N. It’s nice to meet you. Is there anything you’d like to talk about? Did something happen?”
“Yes.” You took a shaky breath, then reached into the tote bag you had been clutching to your side from the beginning. All the way here, two bus rides and a train, since you had googled a frightening set of words into your phone and Manhattan special victims had popped up on the return screen.
Slowly, carefully, a gun was pulled out of the bag and placed delicately on the table in between the two of you. “I think I did something bad.”
The detective kept a calm expression. “Okay, Y/N. It’s okay. If something bad happened, we will work with you, okay? But you need to tell me what happened.”
“I killed him.” Your voice was nothing more than a whisper, eyes fixed on the weapon in front of you. “I finally killed him.” It was a hollow victory. He had left nothing but a shell of a person, nothing but an empty soul that took no pleasure in doing what needed to be done.
“Who is ‘him,’ Y/N?”
“My- boyfriend. Avery. Avery Firlie.” You glanced at her like a small child waiting to be hit. “I- I didn’t want him to be my boyfriend.”
“Okay, Y/N. It’s okay. I understand.” She grimaced. “I’m going to have to say your rights to you right now. It’s just protocol, it does not mean you’re in any sort of trouble-”
“No!” You got up so fast you almost knocked over your chair. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Y/N, this is just what needs to happen before we can help you-”
“NO!” Wildly, you ran for the door, trying the knob. It was locked. Trapped. Trapped again. Oh, god, what are you going to do- “He was a monster! I had to do it! It’s not my fault!”
“Y/N. Y/N! Please calm down-”
You grabbed the gun. It was the only thing you could think to do. You pointed it at the other woman, shakily, not quite centering on her. “I’m not the criminal. He was.”
Both her hands were in the air. Like you had done so many times before. “Y/N. No one is saying you are. But if we’re going to help you, I’m going to need you to give me the gun.”
“I-” you stared at the weapon in your hands like you were seeing in for the first time. Oh god. You were turning into him. He’d poisoned you. “Oh god. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I-”
You did so, practically dropping it onto the wood. with a loud thud. Olivia pulled her shirt over her hand and picked it up by the barrel, placing it behind her. Tears had started pooling in your eyes and you shook your head, trying to dispel the nightmares. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sor-”
You fainted dead onto the floor, collapsing like it was the last thing you’d ever do.
Olivia ran to the door and threw it open. “Someone call a bus!” She kneeled at your side, feeling your pulse flutter so faintly it was hard to tell if there was one at all.