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Falling in love with your best friend was one of those things you only really hear about in movies. It was the kind of thing you roll your eyes at and wave away. Yoongi never thought he’d have that problem. After all, when they had just met as little kids, Jimin had meant a lot to him, but he never realized quite how much it was until later.
All he had known at the time – and he had been only six – was he liked Jimin. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t noticed as he went through elementary school that he didn’t seem to like girls the way other guys did. The others would always go about, calling them pretty. Yoongi supposed it was true, but it was more the thing he’d agree with, not notice. Then again, no guys ever stuck out to him either. It had always been him and Jimin, and that was perfectly fine with him.
He had been nine the first time he had started to doubt his sexuality. It was the first time he had heard the word ‘gay’. He had gone home to his parents to hear the stereotypical, “Well, you know how a guy and a girl sometimes like each other? That can happen with two boys or two girls too” speech. And for the first time in his life, Yoongi had asked himself how exactly he liked Jimin.
There had been moments where they had gotten into fights over stupid, little things after that. Yoongi had tried avoiding him, scared of what he was finding out. The way his heart would flutter sometimes when Jimin would lean over and hug him or the small surge of jealousy he felt when Jimin would talk about his latest crush – it all seemed suddenly striking. Yoongi wasn’t sure exactly how to handle it.
Still, he had never told Jimin. When asked about his crushes, he had become accustomed to simply lying. Soyon, Minju, Jiyeon, Yunso – he’d lose track and list another. His friends would tease him about the way he’d go from one to the next as if flipping through channels. Yoongi endured it, managing a smile and a laugh. After all, it made things easier to lie.
He gritted his teeth through Jimin’s first girlfriend – Sulgi – trying to be happy for him. And his second one, Sun. And his third, Suji. And even his fourth, Namsun. They had gone to high school at some point in between them, and soon the others started teasing Jimin that he was pulling a Yoongi the way he went through them.
There was pain and heartbreak involved, as there was with every relationship that was filed under the category of never-going-to-happen. It wasn’t until that game of truth or dare that something happened. And after it happened, Yoongi knew it would be one of those moments he’d look back to for the rest of his life.
oOoOoOoOo
“Oh, Yoongi’s turn!” Namjoon grinned, pulling back the bottle of beer. He grimaced at the bitter taste and leaned back against the wall.
“Alright, I’ll go with a dare then.” It was one of their group’s parties, celebrating Hoseok and Jimin's success at their most recent dance showcase. Naturally, that meant an abundance of alcohol and a variety of games.
Namjoon bit on his lower lip, his brow furrowing. “I don’t know.” It took a moment more before he finally decided with a small smirk, “I think you should kiss Jimin. Properly, I mean. Or – how about – kiss him for three minutes with tongue.”
Yoongi suddenly felt as if his chest didn’t provide adequate room for him to breathe properly. It wasn’t as if the group hadn’t pulled this sort of a dare on each other before. At one point he had even had to kiss Jungkook, an incident both of them pretended to have never happened. Kissing Jimin, however, was a completely different matter.
“Well, come on,” Taehyung egged on, laughing.
“These dares aren’t fair,” Jimin complained as Yoongi edged himself forward, feeling heat rise at his neck. “I mean, I’m involved in it too, and it isn’t – like – my dare.” Yoongi had imagined kissing Jimin before, but never with him complaining this much.
“You two are ridiculous. Just kiss already,” Hoseok said, his laughing mixing in with Taehyung’s. “You’re like a little girl, Jimin.” Yoongi reached out, his hand shaking, and gently laid it against Jimin’s cheek before leaning in and closing the final few centimeters. For a moment, everything got drowned out. All he could feel were Jimin’s lips, decidedly chapped, against his. Tentatively, Yoongi opened his mouth, his tongue reaching out. It traced Jimin’s lower lip, and he groaned quietly as he tasted the alcohol permeate the kiss.
His tongue pushed past, tracing Jimin’s mouth, mapping it out and memorizing every dip for later on when he knew he’d replay this moment over and over. Shuddering, he felt Jimin’s tongue, and his hand slipped down to Jimin’s neck, pushing them slightly closer. He could feel Jimin’s hair brush against his fingers, and he pulled back slightly, kneading Jimin’s lower lip between his teeth.
Jimin just chuckled, his tongue reaching out, wrestling with Yoongi’s and pushing back. The kiss was rougher than Yoongi would’ve imagined, and he eventually let himself fall back. Jimin’s tongue now slowly repeated the same patterns Yoongi’s had, and it traced Yoongi’s teeth slowly. A hand slipped upwards into Yoongi’s hair, and he pulled lightly. For a moment, they lay there, their lips barely touching as they took unsteady breaths.
Then it was over.
Jimin drew back, giving a satisfied sound. “You enjoyed that, Yoongles, didn’t you?” Yoongi knew better than to respond honestly, though his hands were still trembling and his throat still seemed constricted.
“Oh, please. I wasn’t the one who grabbed your hair.” Jimin rolled his eyes at that, and they turned back to see the guy’s laughing faces.
“We’re going to tell Jiho,” Taehyung teased, though there was no threat in his voice.
Oh, right, Jiho. She was Jimin’s newest girlfriend, and so far the longest. Jimin launched himself across the room at Taehyung, punching him lightly.
“If you do, every embarrassing moment I’ve ever caught on video will be on Facebook, Kim Taehyung!” They tackled each other and the others cheered them on and laughed in their alcohol-induced haze. Only Yoongi slinked back, unnoticed by the others, his tongue slowly running over his lips.
oOoOoOoOo
After that, things were bad. For a while, Jimin avoided him. Somehow he’d always manage to leave their shared class before Yoongi despite sitting in the far back corner of the classroom. Whenever Yoongi would spot Jimin in the library or the cafe down the street from their houses, Jimin would pretend to be too into whatever textbook was laying in front of him. It didn’t fool Yoongi, though. He noticed the way Jimin stiffened up slightly whenever he heard his name.
More than that, when the entire group would be together, Jimin stopped nonchalantly holding Yoongi’s hand. Or messing with his hair. Or even teasing him. Jimin seemed determined to make them drift apart. Yoongi wasn’t sure he could take that. He might not have been able to have Jimin as anything more than a friend but he wasn’t going to screw that up either.
oOoOoOoOo
“Did I do something wrong?” Jimin froze for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and walking towards the doorway.
“I’m tired, Yoongi. We’ll talk about this some other time.” He had been hearing that a lot recently. Reaching out, he grabbed Jimin’s arm, yanking him away from the exit and hesitated, waiting until the classroom emptied.
“No. We’re going to talk about this now.” Jimin stumbled backwards, falling against him, and Yoongi seemed to stop mid-breath. After glaring for a moment, Jimin pulled himself off.
“What is your problem? I’m going to go to the library.”
“We’ve been friends since forever. You really want one stupid kiss we got dared to do to erase that all?” Yoongi asked while staying rooted to the ground, his arms crossing over his chest. Of course, to him, it was far more than a stupid kiss, but no matter… Jimin seemed to consider it for a moment before he turned around.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Though he attempted a voice of contempt, this time his voice was lighter.
“Oh, really?” Yoongi cocked an eyebrow, and Jimin sighed in defeat.
“I don’t know. We actually kissed. Like it wasn’t just our lips were touching, but we had our tongues down each other’s throats.” Yoongi didn’t need reminding. The thought had been circulating through his mind since it had happened.
“But we were drunk. I mean, that kiss won’t redefine our friendship,” Yoongi muttered, stepping up beside Jimin and wrapping an arm around him. Jimin leaned into him, and Yoongi did all he could to keep from sighing. This felt better.
“But they won’t stop teasing me.” Yoongi had noticed that too. Other than Jin, their group of friends had joked around a bit about it, saying that the two of them seemed too into the kiss. Yoongi simply tried to ignore them and push back the weird sort of feeling he’d get in his chest every time they’d say that.
“They’re idiots. What do you expect? The same thing happened when Namjoon kissed Jungkook or when Jin and I kissed. It’s just silly, and you’re giving them a reaction so they won’t stop.” He reached out, he slowly laid a hand on top of Jimin’s, and trying to keep steady as Jimin snuggled in more against his shoulder.
“I know. It’s just… you’re my best friend, and trying to think about you any other way makes me feel all queasy. It just isn’t right.” Yoongi shut his eyes, trying to imagine he hadn’t heard that – willing it to fade away from his memories.
“Yeah,” he said his voice hollow. “It just isn’t right.”
oOoOoOoOo
Time passed. Junior and senior year were both eventless. Yoongi learned to cope with everything. He had his first girlfriend. It wasn’t that he was afraid of coming out because of his family or ashamed of who he was. He simply couldn’t bear to have Jimin know. If a simple kiss had managed to put a strain on their relationship, then knowing the truth would only be disastrous.
In any case, the girl, Minseo turned out to be nice. They would kiss and hold hands. But Yoongi never felt the same feeling of helplessness and warmth and fear and joy – all the conflicting emotions that had made it so wonderful to kiss Jimin. Still, it was nice pretending that things were normal for once. He ended up dating Minseo for five months before one day she confronted him about it, saying how she noticed that he never seemed truly interested in her. She never yelled at him or accused him; she simply told him the truth and broke it off as cleanly as possible. And, for that, Yoongi was grateful.
Graduation came by sooner than it should have. He was going to a music school in Daegu to study music education. Jimin was going to University of Seoul to join Hoseok in studying dance. Jin and Namjoon had already graduated, and Taehyung was toying with the idea of taking a year off to go to New York with Jungkook. It was odd knowing that within a few months, they wouldn’t be seeing each other every day.
oOoOoOoOo
Normally at this age, they would’ve been ashamed to cry. Yet graduation sort of called for tears; it was a necessary part of the process. Yoongi felt the arms around him squeeze, and his chest was crushed. “I’m going to miss you so much, Yoongles.” Jimin only called him that on occasion now. Yoongi nodded, sniffling.
“But we’re going to keep in touch, right?” he managed to squeak out, still finding it rather difficult to breathe. Jimin wasn’t letting go anytime soon by the looks of it. Rib-shattering or not, it was nice to feel Jimin so close to him. Still, it scared him to think that after this summer, this sort of a thing wasn’t going to happen, at least not for a while.
“Of course, you dunderhead,” Jimin said, ruffling his hair. “As if I’d let a few miles come between us.” Yoongi felt his eyes prickle, and he pulled back, wiping his sleeve over them.
“But Jiho–” The two of them had finally broken up about a month ago because they felt they couldn’t do a long-distance relationship.
“She hasn’t known me since I used to draw ducks on my tape because I thought that made it stronger.” Yoongi laughed through his tears, and pulled back.
“That’s what those were? I was always trying to figure it out.” Jimin’s hand reached out, and he entwined his fingers with Yoongi’s.
“You’re my best friend, Yoongles. I couldn’t ever forget you.” Jimin’s eyes were puffy and red though he had stopped crying. Yoongi held onto Jimin’s hand more tightly.
“Have you two finally gotten together?” Namjoon joked, coming up from behind them and resting an arm on either person's shoulder. Both of them rolled their eyes.
“You guys never know when to drop it,” Jimin muttered, though he chuckled quietly. Reaching out, he weakly hit Namjoon on the arm. Jin jogged up to them as well, and Taehyung and Jungkook came too, hand-in-hand and leaning against each other. Yoongi felt a pang of jealousy and immediately felt guilty. For all the luck the two of them had, there had been some horrible moments as well. High school truly was over. Their time together was officially done.
oOoOoOoOo
Jimin and Yoongi acted like they were glued together for the rest of the summer. Yoongi wasn’t sure if he ever got such little sleep. Occasionally they hung out with the others as well, and all of them would laugh and pretend like it was any other summer – like the beginning of the school year didn’t mean something new and different.
When they finally went off to college, Yoongi and Jimin tried calling or e-mailing each other every day. After a week and a half, that became too much of a hassle. They still managed to talk every once in a while, but mostly they stuck to an occasional Facebook message or text. It wasn’t enough to really keep in touch. At times Yoongi sat staring at his phone feeling lonely.
On top of that, Yoongi’s roommate, Jeongho, was irritating. He tended to blast Italian punk rock studying, claiming it helped him concentrate. He also already had his group of friends and wanted nothing to do with Yoongi. Everyone once in a while, Jeongho would complain about how he should have just roomed with his friends. Yoongi wholeheartedly agreed.
Still, the classes were interesting, and he found himself oftentimes distracted with classwork until eleven or even midnight. He made new friends, but he still missed Jimin. The other boy hadn’t come home for Thanksgiving, so it wasn’t until winter break that he got to see him again.
oOoOoOoOo
“Jimin!” Yoongi threw himself at Jimin, and his eyes closed as he felt two arms wrap around him. Jimin’s hair was slightly longer than usual, and Yoongi felt it tickle his nose as he buried his head in Jimin’s shoulder. They stayed like that, clutching each other in the coffee shop parking lot. Tiny puffs of white formed above them as they breathed, and finally, it became too cold to bear.
“Let’s get something to drink,” Jimin said, and Yoongi grinned as a gloved hand slipped into his.
“Sounds good.” They walked into the small cafe, sighing happily at the blanket of heat that greeted them as they opened the door. Standing in line, Yoongi turned to look at Jimin. He looked happy, Yoongi couldn’t help but notice. A small smile crept on Yoongi’s face as he stared at him. Jimin was looking over at the menu, biting his lower lip and wiggling his nose. Jimin must have noticed his glance because his head turned, and he looked at Yoongi.
“What?”
“Nothing. You look good.” The lady in front of them in line paid, and Yoongi moved up. “What do you want?” he asked Jimin.
“What?”
“I’m buying. What do you want?” Jimin shook his head.
“No, don’t. I can pay for myself.”
“I know you can, but I haven’t seen you in months. You should take advantage of it. I doubt I’ll be this nice for long.” Jimin sighed, and then looked at the lady behind the cash register.
“Grande hot chocolate, please.”
“Whipped cream?” the barista asked and Jimin nodded. She turned to look at Yoongi. “And for you?”
“Grande caramel apple spice latte with whipped cream, please.”
“Name?”
“Yoongi.” Yoongi paid, and they went to stand around and wait. “So, spill. How’s university? Has anything new and exciting happened? Have you replaced me yet?” The last question was asked a bit of a joke, but Yoongi had been worried about that. What if Jimin found a new best friend and he was left behind?
“Oh, yeah. First thing I did was replace you,” Jimin replied blithely. Yoongi scowled, and Jimin squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t worry so much, Yoongs. You’re irreplaceable.” Of course, Jimin meant it platonically, but a small smile stuttered back on Yoongi’s face. They grabbed their drinks, and Yoongi took a sip, feeling warmth that had nothing to do with the liquid.
“Good. You’ll be pleased to know that I haven’t found anyone irritating enough yet to replace you,” Yoongi teased, and Jimin rolled his eyes. They both took another sip, and Jimin jumped slightly, his eyes widening.
“Oh, I actually do have something exciting to tell you! So, I met this girl, and we’ve been friends for a while…”
“Yuri?” Jimin had mentioned her before in a message or two. Jimin nodded.
“Yeah. I’m kind of obvious, huh?” It was Yoongi’s turn to nod. “Well, I think I’m going to ask her out after break. I’m pretty sure she likes me too.” He smirked, and Yoongi managed to put on a stiff sort of look of happiness.
“Congrats!” He’d learned to act by now, and as Jimin spent the next half an hour talking about her, Yoongi felt himself slowly starting to crumple. No matter how many times he heard this, it hurt. Every single time he was reminded – it would never be him.
oOoOoOoOo
It had been amazing to see Jimin again. Yoongi had almost forgotten that things were different and that in a little while, they would be separated and stuck talking minimally through Facebook. Sure enough, when they finally said goodbye, Yoongi felt a certain ache, and he clutched him close. About a week after they had gone back, Yoongi received a text, ‘SHE SAID YES!!!’ and he gritted his teeth. At least he could break down without having to worry about Jimin seeing. Still, a part of him just wished he could be happy for his best friend.
When it came close to spring break, he started counting down the days, barely waiting to see Jimin’s face. There were times when he’d be reading passages from his books, and realize he had blanked for the past few pages. It had never been this hard before. Yet spring break didn’t go exactly as planned.
oOoOoOoOo
Yoongi hadn’t been this drunk in a while. He could barely stand straight, and his head felt detached. Still, after staring at the beer bottle for a moment longer, he shrugged and took another swig. Jimin laughed and his head bobbed up and down to the song before he belched and started singing along.
“You’re adorable when you do that,” Yoongi said, laughing. It was true. Jimin looked like a puppy with that smile on his face.
“You’re ridiculous.” Jimin still smirked at him before shaking his head. Yoongi took another sip of the beer and winced at the taste.
“I think he’d be honoured to hear that. We really should visit him in New York sometime.” Jungkook had come back to visit his family every so often, and Taehyung had come with him, but after coming out, he had little kept him in Korea. Yoongi hadn’t had a chance to see them since summer, although, if their pictures and almost vomit inducing yet adorable Facebook posts on each other’s walls, they were still happily together.
“Yeah, we should.” He hummed along to the song until its end before turning to Yoongi. He had a weird sort of look on his face. “Remember when we made out that one time?” Yoongi stiffened, feeling some of the warmth fade from him as his smile slid off of his face.
“Well, that’s an odd thing to bring up.” Jimin wildly waved his hands in front of him.
“No, don’t get me wrong. It’s just I think that was last time we were drunk around each other excluding the grad party.” Yoongi thought that over for a moment, and he pulled his legs closer to him, hoping it wasn’t obvious how suddenly nervous he felt. His hands were trembling.
“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” He licked his lips, remembering how it had tasted to kiss Jimin.
“Yoongi…”
“Hmm?”
“Have you kissed anyone since you and Minseo broke up?” Yoongi paused before shaking his head. “Damn. How do you survive?”
“I dunno.” Yoongi shrugged his shoulders, but his eyes avoided Jimin’s. This wasn’t really a conversational path he wanted to go down. Some unknown song played in the background, filling up the silence for a moment.
“I haven’t kissed Yuri in a while either. She left for home early.” Yoongi nodded, though he wasn’t really sure where this conversation was leading.
“Oh.” Maybe it was best to just say as little as possible. The song continued, and both of them sat, fiddling with their bottles of beer.
“Hey, Yoongi…” Jimin finally broke the silence.
“Yeah?”
“Can we make out?” Yoongi blinked, unsure he had actually heard right. There was no way… He turned to look at Jimin, and bit his lip.
“What?” Jimin’s face fell.
“Nothing – that was stupid. I just thought that we’re both drunk and horny, and there’s no one else around, and – I dunno. Just ignore me. I’m not making sense. That was stupid. I’m stupid.” Yoongi shook his head. A part of him screamed that this was a horrible idea, but he shoved that back.
“No, I completely agree,” he said, scooting closer. Jimin’s face pulled back up into a grin as Yoongi pressed up against him. A shiver rode through both of them, and Yoongi leaned forward, pressing their lips together. It was like three years ago. The taste of alcohol lingered, and as Yoongi’s tongue pried Jimin’s open, Jimin groaned, his hand wrapping itself in Yoongi’s hair and tugging lightly. Their tongues pressed together, and Yoongi whimpered, letting Jimin trace his lower lip. Slowly he bit down on it, and Yoongi squirmed, his own hand reaching down to Jimin’s thigh and squeezing.
Jimin pulled back, chuckling darkly before leaning in again, this time his lips on Yoongi’s neck. His teeth slowly bit down, causing slight pain. Of course, that faded as Jimin’s tongue lapped at the sensitive skin. It dipped down to Yoongi’s collar bone, and Yoongi let himself fall limply against the other for support. Jimin shifted so that he was straddling Yoongi, and Yoongi’s eyes shut. This was heaven.
oOoOoOoOo
They hadn’t gotten further than kissing, but Yoongi lay there awake long after Jimin had passed out. It kept on replaying in his head. He could taste Jimin; feel the flimsy hands pulling at his hair. The next day had been painful; Yoongi was fairly sure Jimin remembered, though he never mentioned it once. They still hung out, though every day of vacation, occasionally with some of the other guys.
College came back too fast, and summer did as well. They finally saw Jungkook and Taehyung, and they were as in love as always. It was something Yoongi never failed to envy. The days passed by quickly and were filled with bathing suits and ice cream. But, of course, that couldn’t last forever either. School went back in session eventually, and Jimin and Yuri ended up breaking up.
It wasn’t until winter break of their sophomore year that anything worth mentioning happened. As always, it started with alcohol. This time it was at a party. The group had a giant get-together at Namjoon’s apartment, and the night progressed with drunken karaoke and drinking games.
OOoOoOoOo
“I’m hungry. You’re out of chips,” Yoongi complained, staring forlornly at the empty bag of BBQ chips.
“There should be some more in the kitchen. Just go up, and you should be able to find them.” Yoongi stumbled towards the stairs, and Jimin tagged behind him.
“I’m hungry too.” Yoongi nodded, and the two of them pulled themselves up the stairs, giggling. They made it to the kitchen, and Yoongi threw open cabinets, trying to find more chips. They seemed to be nowhere; his stomach gave an appropriate growl.
“Where are the damn chips?” Yoongi asked, pouting and facing Jimin. Jimin leaned back against the counter, and Yoongi couldn’t help but stare at him. The way he was leaning against it so openly was… tempting. Yoongi licked his lips, and Jimin laughed, winking at him, though only jokingly.
A moment before he kissed Jimin, it registered in his head. Jimin jerked back in surprise, but Yoongi felt him relax the moment he started kneading the other boy’s lower lip between his teeth. He pushed Jimin backwards, ignoring the protesting sound from him as he was pressed against a cabinet. Yoongi’s fingers slipped under Jimin’s shirt, trailing against the skin. The warmth of the alcohol couple with the intoxicating effect he was having on Jimin was enough to make his pants suddenly feel tight.
Jimin pressed closer to Yoongi, and Yoongi gasped as he felt one of Jimin’s teeth scrape against his lip, cutting it open. Blood seeped in as well, and Yoongi pulled back, panting, lifting Jimin’s shirt. Both of them were drunk beyond reason. The haze in Jimin’s eyes was unmistakable, and for a moment Yoongi hesitated.
“Yoongi…” The way Jimin moaned his name erased any doubt, and he slid the shirt to the floor, trembling. He stared at the other’s expression for a moment before leaning forward, kissing his Adam’s apple. It bobbed up and down as Jimin swallowed, and Yoongi’s lips trailed downward. For a moment he shook before taking a pert nipple into his mouth, his tongue swirling lightly around it. Every sound coming out of Jimin’s mouth made it worth it, and his hand slid down, taking the other one and tweaking it between his fingers.
Pulling back, he licked his lips and placed a quick kiss on Jimin’s lips before going down on his knees. The bulge in Jimin’s pants was noticeable, and Yoongi leaned in, wrapping his mouth around it through the rough fabric. Jimin moaned, bucking his hips, and Yoongi pulled back, unzipping and unbuttoning the jeans. He watched with a sort of satisfaction as he tugged and they fell to the ground. Hooking his fingers around Jimin’s boxer-briefs, he pulled them to the ground, his jaw slack as Jimin’s cock sprang free.
This was the moment he’d been dreaming of for as long as he could remember. Tentatively, afraid it the moment would pop like a bubble, he leaned forward, letting his breath ghost over Jimin’s cock. “Quit teasing,” he heard Jimin mutter out from above him. Yoongi leaned forward, taking it into his mouth. Jimin tensed, and Yoongi’s hands came up just in time to hold back his hips. He could feel them jerk forward under his hands.
Yoongi’s tongue ran over the slit, shuddering as he tasted Jimin. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t particularly appealing. What mattered was that it was Jimin. He moved downward, willing his throat to relax. He felt the tip brush up against the back of his throat and pulled back, though not without clenching against it, making Jimin shudder underneath him. Jimin’s hands reached out, and they painfully pulled at Yoongi’s hair. He guided Yoongi’s mouth back down, letting out a small moan.
As Yoongi bobbed up and down, he hollowed his cheeks and sucked, his hands leaving Jimin’s hips, and his fingers trailed down the insides of his thighs. Jimin trembled beneath him, and when one hand went up, cupping Jimin’s balls, he could tell by how tense he was, that he was close.
Yoongi pulled back with a pop, his hand wrapping around the base before he traced a vein on the underside. Jimin jerked upward as Yoongi’s lips wrapped around the tip again. Yoongi’s eyes shot up as Jimin froze, his hand moving back, his fingers clenching the countertop, and his mouth open. Jimin's face as he came undone made Yoongi moan as he pulled back slightly, tasting the bitter-salty fluid. Though he sputtered, he pulled back, managing to swallow it all, soaking in every moment of Jimin leaned back, supporting himself on the counter.
The moment, however, did not last long. Jimin’s head suddenly snapped up after a minute, and he looked at Yoongi, the haze gone. His eyes radiated nothing but panic, fear, and disgust. And it nearly broke Yoongi’s heart. “Fuck!” Jimin stumbled backwards, reaching down and pulling at his boxer-briefs and pants. He leaned down and grabbed his shirt, his eyes wide as he distanced himself. “No, this can’t have happened. Fuck.” Before Yoongi could even pull himself up, Jimin was slipping his shirt over his head and running out the front door.
oOoOoOoOo
Jimin avoided him after that. Every call went to voicemail, and every text was left ignored. Yoongi even went to Jimin’s house, but his parents told him, their eyes betraying their lie, that Jimin was out. When school started again, there was little he could do. Yoongi found time to send Jimin an e-mail every day, begging him to just listen to him, and he developed the habit of checking his phone to make sure he hadn’t missed a call or message from Jimin. Every time he hadn’t, he found he still had more room for disappointment.
So, the first three-day weekend he was free, Yoongi got in his car and drove down across the country. The drive was painful and the traffic was horrendous. It also wasted precious gas money, but he knew if he could save his friendship, it would be worth it.
It took a while after he got there even to find Jimin, and by the time he did, he was exhausted. But even within exhaustion, he couldn’t help but feel something flare up within himself. It took some convincing before he ended up at Jimin’s dorm room.
oOoOoOoOo
“Why did you come here?” Jimin’s voice was harsh, and he looked at Yoongi as if he didn’t have the time for this.
“Because I care…”
“Bullshit.” Jimin glanced down at his watch and continued pacing the room.
“Listen to you! You dumped me, Jimin!”
“We were never dating,” Jimin spat out, rounding on Yoongi and looking almost venomous. It wasn’t a look that Yoongi had ever seen before, and he slunk back against the bed, feeling his eyes prickle.
“We’ve known each other since we were six. Fourteen years… And now you want to throw it away on some stupid thing that happened.” Jimin let out a bitter laugh.
“It isn’t just some stupid thing. You gave me a blowjob. You actually –“There was an edge of disgust again, and he continued pacing. Yoongi barely bit back, 'And you enjoyed it.' Somehow he figured it’d get him in more trouble.
“I’m scared, Jimin. I want you to hug me and I want to stay up until four AM watching horror movies and pretending we’re not scared. I want to be able to have someone to talk to. I just want my best friend back.” His voice was low and desperate. A look of understanding flickered in Jimin’s eyes before disappearing.
“Too bad. You wasted your money on me. Now go home.” Yoongi felt tears sting at his eyes, and he looked away from Jimin, taking a shuddering breath.
“Did everything we’ve gone to really mean that little to you?” Jimin paused, and Yoongi broke down. He had known what they had done was wrong. He had known not to do it, yet he had anyway.
“I-” Jimin stared at him helplessly, and Yoongi pulled his legs up to his chest, his eyes squeezing shut.
“I can’t do this. I can’t lose you. You’re my best friend.” He felt himself go limp, and his head rested on his knees. His throat seemed to be blocked, and each breath came out as a shivering gasp. Yoongi felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up. Jimin stood there, biting his lower lip, all looks of condescension and disgust wiped off his face. In its place were concern and compassion, and Yoongi’s heart, which had previously felt as if it had been squeezed into a fist, slowly started to tremble with hope.
“I couldn’t read your messages or listen to your voicemails or anything. I knew if I heard you break down, I wouldn’t be able to run away,” Jimin finally admitted before sitting down next to Yoongi and pulling him into a hug. “I don’t like you like that, Yoong. You’re the best friend I have, and I don’t want to ruin everything because we can’t stay away from each other when we’re drunk.”
Yoongi nodded, and his breath caught in his throat as Jimin reached down, their fingers lacing together.
“My Jiminie,” he muttered, sniffling and wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his shirt.
“My Yoongles,” Jimin agreed.
OOoOoOoOo
They managed to work things out after that. For whatever reason, Jimin still seemed oblivious to his crush. Of course, Yoongi felt like Jimin might be repressing the idea. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t made it painfully obvious already. In any case, they caught up, and Yoongi heard about Jimin’s new girlfriend, Chaewon. The weekend seemed to fly by so quickly, and despite the insane amount he had to pay for gas overall, it was definitely worth it.
A couple of weeks after that, Yoongi received a call in the middle of the night.
OOoOoOoOo
It was two AM when his phone went off. Yoongi picked it up, his eyes glancing over to Jeongho, who was amazingly still fast asleep. The caller ID said that it was Jimin. He opened the phone, but before he could even get an ‘I love you’ out, Jimin was babbling.
“It’s been too long since we’ve kissed.” Oh, he was absolutely wasted. That much was obvious from the way his words slurred together. Yoongi listened though with a catch in his throat. “I miss you. I – I love you. Am I allowed to say that yet? Because I do. I love you. I love you.” He shook, biting his lower lip. What was Jimin trying to say? Still, Yoongi found he couldn’t speak.
“I love your laugh and the tiny crinkle you get between your eyes whenever you smile. You’re ridiculous.” Yoongi was surprised he could still hold the phone properly.
“You’re amazing, Chaewon.” Yoongi froze, swallowing thickly. No, it wasn’t him. Why would it ever be him Jimin was interested in?
“Jimin, it’s me.” There was a pause followed by a laugh.
“Oh, sorry, Yoongi. I forgot I had you on speed-dial. Well, that’s awkward.” Yoongi couldn’t reply in time. After he had heard the laughs of others, there was a dial tone.
oOoOoOoOo
Yoongi met Minsu his junior year about half-way through. Although, met was used loosely. Apparently, they had shared a fair few amount of classes for the past few years. It wasn’t until Minsu lost his book in English that they started talking, though.
Like Yoongi, Minsu had a crush that never worked for him. And, like Yoongi, he was gay. It took a while, but the more they talked, the more they found in common – a shared love for various movies and books and music. It was basically a love equation written to happen. So, when Minsu asked him out, Yoongi said yes.
While Jimin was happy that Yoongi had someone, there were also things he didn’t like about it.
oOoOoOoOo
“Why didn’t you tell me you were gay?” Yoongi could tell that his voice was clipped, and he could imagine that his brow was furrowed. It tended to do that when he got angry.
“I – I never thought it would be this big of an issue.” So, that was a lie, but Jimin couldn’t really know the truth. What was he supposed to say? ‘So, hey, actually, I’ve been pining after you for years. Now, carry on.’ Somehow that didn’t seem fitting.
“What do you mean? Of course it is! It’s part of who you are, Yoongi. I don’t know why you wouldn’t tell me. I’m perfectly fine with it. You know I’d never judge you.”
“I know. I know. I just – I don’t know what I thought.” His thumb played with the creases on the comforter he was sitting on, and he sighed. What if Jimin started making correlations between their previous late-night ‘adventures’ and his sexuality?
“But this is your first boyfriend?” Yoongi nodded before realizing Jimin couldn’t hear him.
“Yeah.”
“Jesus. How long have you known?” The truth stuck in his throat, and he wished Jimin was there next to him so that he could start crying and shaking his head and Jimin would drop it.
“I’ve had some idea since I was nine,” he finally croaked out.
“Nine? Well, fuck, Yoongi. That’s twelve years. You didn’t think to say anything to me once?” Yoongi sniffed and pressed his face into the pillow for a second, taking a deep, steadying breath.
“I’m sorry.” There was a long pause before Jimin spoke, and Yoongi checked his phone to make sure the connection hadn’t had died.
“Look, Chaewon’s coming over soon. I’ll talk to you later. But I just need some time… okay? I can’t believe you – We’ll just talk about this later.”
oOoOoOoOo
A few weeks before graduation, he and Minsu broke up. It turned out that they weren’t a match made for each other, as Yoongi had hoped. The break-up was mutual, and they both decided that while they did love each other to a certain extent, they weren’t in love with each other. Yoongi’s mind was still Jimin-centric, and Minsu still thought about his friend-crush, Woojin, all the time.
Graduation came. Jimin had just graduated a few days prior, and was planning on continuing his path at his school having decided he wanted to teach dance at a high school. By this point, Yoongi wanted to pursue music production more seriously. He was going to UCLA, all across an ocean. A part of him knew it wouldn’t be as easy to go home, and he wouldn’t see Jimin more often. Still, that was shoved to the back of his mind with graduation.
Jimin came for graduation, and the night after, the two of them decided to go to a bar close to the hotel at which Jimin was staying. Yoongi was careful not to drink too much, unsure what the results would be. Jimin, however, didn’t seem to hold those fears, and after a few shots, he was dancing wildly to the music, absolutely plastered.
oOoOoOoOo
“You look like an electrocuted monkey,” Yoongi said, laughing at Jimin and leaning back against the chair. His friend had his hands up and was waving them about in rhythm to the song. Though he was a fairly good dancer sober, he lacked all capabilities whilst intoxicated.
“Shuddup. As if you could dance better.” Yoongi put his drink down and got up, moving closer to Jimin. He’d always been a decent dancer, and he quickly lost himself in the rhythm, his head swaying a bit as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. Though his arms were loose, they didn’t sway about dangerously like Jimin’s did while intoxicated. Jimin scanned him up and down before pouting. “Show off.”
“You know it.” Yoongi winked at him.
“Hey, Yoongles…” Jimin had really taken an affinity to calling him that while drunk.
“Yeah?” Jimin moved closer, his fingers grazing against Yoongi’s lower back.
“Can I kiss you?” Yoongi felt that same little flutter inside of him, and he shook his head.
“No, you can’t.”
“But Yoongles! I’ve kissed your face before.” The whine in his voice made him sound like a little kid, and it didn’t help that as he stopped attempting to dance and faced Yoongi, his bangs flopped down in front of his eyes. His lower lip jutted out, and Yoongi smiled sadly at him. “Why can’t I kiss you?”
“Because if you do, you’ll regret it in the morning, and you won’t want to talk to me. It’s happened before, remember?” Part of him wanted to tell Jimin ‘never mind’ and let the black haired man kiss him, but he knew what that would lead to. He’d been down that road before, and it wasn’t a place he particularly wanted to go back to.
“But don’t you love me?” The question was harmless, but it still made Yoongi turn away, swallowing thickly. Jimin's obliviousness hurt, and as much as he wanted to turn to him and say that he did, that wouldn’t ever lead to a happily-ever-after.
“You’re my best friend,” Yoongi finally whispered. Jimin scooted forward, and the two of them were pressed together. Underneath the bangs, Yoongi could see wide, brown eyes staring at him. As he reached out to push away, Jimin grabbed his hands, squeezing. Yoongi sighed, and leaned into Jimin, though his mind screaming over and over again – this is a bad idea.
Jimin leaned forward, and Yoongi found himself doing the same. Their lips met, and the music seemed to swell around them. Yoongi’s eyes closed as he felt Jimin’s tongue breech through and taste his lower lip. Yoongi groaned at the touch, and Jimin’s arms wrapped around him. One hand reached up, fingers splayed, running through his hair. With Jimin pressed that closely against him, he couldn’t think, and Yoongi let his hand go up, cupping Jimin’s cheek.
Jimin’s hips jerked upward, and as he arched into Yoongi, causing Yoongi to shudder. His hands dipped down, and he moved back, biting at Jimin’s neck. Grabbing onto one of Jimin’s hands, he trailed it downward, and let them brush against the bulge in his pants. Even if he was the one guiding him, the feel of Jimin’s hand against him like that was indescribably amazing. Jimin chuckled, getting the gist of it, and palmed Yoongi through his clothes.
“Fuck…” Yoongi mewled and his lips went back to Jimin’s. Their tongues pressed together, wrestling, and their teeth scraped together.
“Hotel?” Jimin asked, pulling back for a second.
“I thought you’d never ask.” They ran out of the bar, their hands all over each other. Yoongi could feel the adrenaline course through him. A small, nagging part in the back of his mind worried about what was going on, but as Jimin laughed and squeezed his ass, those thoughts ebbed away.
Yoongi wasn’t sure how they managed to make it up to the room, but when the door finally slammed shut behind them; they stumbled backwards onto the bed. Jimin was immediately reaching for Yoongi’s shirt and pulling it over his head. Yoongi groaned and reached for Jimin’s. His fingers trailed down Jimin’s chest, and he felt a shiver go through him at the sense of déjà vu.
Jimin stared at him for a moment before unbuttoning Jimin’s shorts and pulling them out from underneath him before letting them fall to the ground. Yoongi hissed as his boxer-briefs were finally pulled down to the ground as well, and his cock sprung free. Jimin, however, drew back, ridding himself of clothing as well. Whimpering at the lack of contact, he instead looked down, biting his lip, his heart thudding against his chest.
“Flip over. On your hands and knees.” Yoongi wordlessly did as he was told and heard the sound of Jimin spitting on his fingers. There was barely enough time to mentally prepare himself before he felt something slowly prodding at him. His muscles clenched, and Jimin’s hand reached up, soothing drawing circles on his back. It wasn’t quite enough, and as the finger slowly eased in, Yoongi whimpered into the pillow. Jimin paused at the knuckle before sliding his finger the rest of the way in.
Soon a second and a third finger was added. Jimin languidly stroked him, and Yoongi bit his lip. It hurt like hell. Maybe with lube it would’ve been manageable, but this was hell. The spit dried out quickly it felt, and it was only Jimin’s whisper – “Relax for me” – that kept Yoongi going. His fingers wrapped around the blanket beneath him, and tears swam down his face. All he could do was be happy that this wasn’t his first time and he at least had been stretched out before.
Jimin experimentally changed angles, and Yoongi felt him graze against his prostate. Warmth bubbled in his stomach again, and he arched upwards, still sniffling, though his fingers relaxed. Jimin pulled out, and Yoongi was about to complain when he heard Jimin spitting again. Something much larger prodded at him. Jimin sheathed himself in, and Yoongi couldn’t help but let out a quiet whimper of pain.
There was a minute to adjust, and then Jimin grabbed his shoulders pulling out. Jimin let out a small moan. “So fucking tight.” He felt on fire, but Jimin was quick to change that. He shifted; alternating angles until Yoongi suddenly felt it spark inside of him again. He shuddered and moved backwards in time with Jimin’s thrust.
Jimin kept that, his fingers squeezing around Yoongi’s hips as he set a quick pace. Each thrust was accompanied by some sort of a small noise, and it filled the stiff, sticky air of the hotel room. Yoongi couldn’t think. One hand reached up, wrapping itself around his cock, and he stroked in time with each thrust. His stomach clenched and the warmth was starting to spread down him completely.
Jimin was the first to come. His fingers suddenly clawed into him, painfully so, and Jimin was letting out a choked moan. Yoongi felt something warm fill him, and Jimin weakly managed to continue thrusting throughout it, milking himself. Yoongi’s hand sped up, almost fervently, and he felt himself start to clench. It took a minute or two more – at which point Jimin was weakly leaning against him – but finally he felt himself come undone as well. He came onto his hand and his chest, biting down on his lower lip.
When he had finally come down, Jimin pulled out, falling back on the bed. Yoongi curled up next to him, his eyes shutting. For a moment, everything was perfect, and then he fell asleep.
oOoOoOoOo
They had a long argument after they had woken up. Yoongi had done so first, thankfully, and he was sure Jimin would’ve run away had he been the first. Yoongi wasn’t sure he had ever yelled that much or been that shaken. Jimin knew how he felt. It was finally out in the open, and it scared the hell out of him.
oOoOoOoOo
“How long?” Jimin demanded, and Yoongi turned away, his eyes clenched shut. “How fucking long have you like me?” Jimin had never been this harsh with him. But behind the imposing, uncharacteristic demeanour, there was fear in Jimin’s voice as well.
“Since I’ve known I was gay,” Yoongi finally muttered, and Jimin let out a bitter laugh.
“You never told me once. Never even… God.” Yoongi glanced over to see Jimin running his fingers through his hair, looking stressed. “How can I trust you? You don’t tell me anything.”
“I don’t know.” Yoongi had no answer to give him, no magic thing he could say to somehow make this situation better.
“I want to make one thing clear,” Jimin said, looking Yoongi straight in the eyes. His lip curled back in disgust, and Yoongi blinked rapidly, wishing his damn tears would go away. “I don’t like you like that. We’ve messed around, yeah? But that’s all it is to me. I don’t want to send you the wrong impression. Hell, I don’t think I’m more than bi-curious.” Yoongi nodded mutely, feeling himself crystallize and shatter. It was one thing to know it. It was a completely other matter to hear those words coming out of Jimin’s mouth.
“I know. That’s partly why I never told you,” Yoongi admitted, shivering. He ached, and he wanted things to go back to how they had been yesterday before anything had happened. There was a pause before Jimin finally spoke again.
“I love you. But –“
“Don’t,” Yoongi croaked.
“Only like a brother.” Yoongi sobbed, and pulled himself tighter together wishing he could simply compress like a black hole and fade away.
“Don’t.”
“No, you need to hear this.” Jimin’s voice was firm, and he walked up to Yoongi, glaring down at him. “You’re always the one telling me I need to shut up and listen, and now it’s your turn. I’m straight. You’re not a bad kisser, and I won’t deny I haven’t enjoyed some of what we’ve done, but it’s never meant anything to me the way it’s meant to you.” Yoongi pulled himself in even more, whimpering as if he had been hit. He couldn’t help but think that he was pathetic.
oOoOoOoOo
Jimin left and Yoongi went to visit family in Incheon for the summer. Jimin visited Chaewon instead, and a week later Yoongi saw on Facebook that they had gotten engaged. Jimin hadn’t even bothered to tell him face to face. When Yoongi attempted to confront him about it, Jimin’s only response was: “Well, you never told me anything important. Why should I tell you?”
The days seemed to drag by, and there were times where he wouldn’t want to pull himself out of bed. The others tried to pry what was wrong out of him at first, but after a while, their texts and messages stopped flowing in, and they didn’t try to pull him out of his house. Even his parents gave up eventually, letting him close himself off in his room.
Never had Yoongi been happier to leave. Time and distance was surely what he needed, and when he stumbled into UCLA, he was happy when he met Andrew.
oOoOoOoOo
Yoongi felt someone tap his shoulder, and he jumped. He stumbled a bit, and was glad to find his footing. Falling down the staircase would not only be painful but rather embarrassing. After all, it was absolutely crowded.
“Sorry, you just looked like you knew where you were going. Do you have any clue how to get to the music building? I have a class on multitrack recording…” Yoongi had already been there for a few days, and he had started to get used to the campus. In fact, he had that class on his schedule as well.
“Yeah, sure thing just follow me.”
“Sorry, I’m new here. You a sophomore or…”
“Freshman. I just came a few days ago.” The other boy blinked at him and then smiled.
“Oh my God, how rude of me. I’m Andrew, by the way. Or Andy or Ands or whatever. Just not Andy-Pooh. Someone gave me that name as a joke, and somehow it stuck, and now I’m just babbling and giving you ideas. I should shut up.” He grinned sheepishly and stuck out a hand.
“Yoongi. Yoong.” ‘Just not Yoongles…’ he almost added.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Nice to meet you too.”
oOoOoOoOo
They didn’t start dating until a few months later. They had eventually found out that both of them were gay, and they hung out more and more. Yoongi hadn’t felt this relaxed with anyone since a while ago with Jimin. They talked constantly, and Yoongi had told him everything about Jimin.
Things by that point had simmered down with Jimin. Their relationship had never been this strained before, but at least one still existed. The first time they saw each other was almost uncomfortable, and shortly after that, Yoongi received his letter inviting him to Jimin’s wedding.
Andrew went as his date, and they had fun. Yoongi got a chance to introduce him to all the guys from high school, and they all gave their vote of approval for Andrew was witty and sweet and could carry a tune. Yoongi felt like he might have been getting over everything.
That was until Jimin drunkenly kissed him.
oOoOoOoOo
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Yoongi pulled back, his hand going to his lips. He had helped Jimin get up to get some more beer for the bachelor party. Things had seemed normal again. Yet his skin tingled with the kiss.
“Why are you complaining, Yoongles? You know you love me.” He battered his eyelashes before pouting. “Besides, it’s my last night of freedom. I’ll kiss whoever I damn please.”
“Jimin, you don’t like me like that. I’m getting over you. Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Jimin’s face contorted into a look of anger.
“You didn’t seem to mind it last time we kissed. In fact, I remember you moaning quite a bit.” Yoongi flushed and shoved him.
“Fuck you.”
“Been there, done that. Wasn’t really all it was said to be, to be honest.” He smirked and Yoongi pushed away, taking a few paces back before staring out the kitchen. It took a moment, but suddenly he heard footsteps and felt Jimin’s hand on his shoulder.
“Get off.” Yoongi’s voice was weak, and his attempt to shove Jimin off was only half-hearted.
“Yoongi… Yoongi, I’m sorry.” He felt two arms around him, and suddenly he was pressed against Jimin’s chest, shaking. This time there were no tears, but silence still overtook them as Jimin rocked him back and forth.
oOoOoOoOo
They managed a fairly normal relationship until about a year after the wedding. Jimin and Chaewon were about as happy as could be, and Yoongi liked her. He also still was with Andrew. Yoongi had admitted to kissing Jimin, though he never mentioned how it changed his feelings – how he suddenly felt like he was back to square one.
However, almost exactly after a year, they met up again. Yoongi should’ve known it was a bad idea to get drunk. That was how it always started. Still, they had managed to get drunk several times in the meantime without a single incident. Yet this time it was just the two of them in the house, and one thing lead to another.
It didn’t end at kissing either. They shed their clothes and fucked like desperate animals. Afterwards, when Jimin had fallen asleep, Yoongi lay there.
oOoOoOoOo
He hadn’t felt this empty in a while. A part of him wondered why it hurt so much. He had just had sex with Jimin. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter what happened, Jimin didn’t like him like that. Perhaps it was using him – that was what Andrew had suggested.
His stomach churned. Andrew. How could he do this to the other boy? There was no doubt in his mind that Andrew was in love with him. And yet here he was, naked and pressed against Jimin. His eyes darted up to the nightstand. There was a ring glinting there – Jimin’s wedding ring.
Yoongi felt as if he was going to throw up. This was all wrong. But he still felt something for Jimin. He was not going to get over him as easily as he had hoped.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered to no one in particular.
oOoOoOoOo
They kept it up. Sometimes they’d have sex. They stopped needing alcohol for it. And yet Yoongi knew Jimin didn’t like him like that. And Jimin knew that Yoongi did like him like that. They both knew about Andrew and Chaewon, and yet they did it anyway. Yoongi couldn’t help but think that they were a prime example of human selfishness.
Time passed. Yoongi was a successful music producer and made more money than he knew what to do with. Andrew danced with the Los Angeles Ballet. Jimin graduated and began teaching. The group had identities that replaced that of their high school and college ones. They were responsible adults.
Though late at night when he was lying down, his arms wrapped around Jimin, at times he doubted that he was anything more than a teenager. What kind of an adult would understand the consequences and still leap at it?
They were thirty when Jimin called him in tears.
oOoOoOoOo
“Chaewon found out. I don’t know how.”
“What?” Yoongi looked over at Andrew – who now lived with him – and walked out of the room. “How did she… Well, shit.” Though inside he felt like screaming and hitting himself, he managed a whisper, afraid of what Andrew would do if he found out.
“That’s not all.”
“Oh?” His stomach knotted, and suddenly the pasta Andrew had made seemed unappetizing in his mind.
“She wants a divorce.” Shit. They had managed to screw things up worse than they thought possible, hadn’t they?
“I’m so sorry,” Yoongi said, pulling at his shirt and biting his lip. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.” He could hear the sniffles, and all he wanted to do was hold Jimin close to him.
“Yoongi is everything okay?” he heard from the kitchen. Andrew’s voice did nothing to calm him down; if anything, he felt more agitated.
“Yeah,” he lied. It was always lies, wasn’t it?
“Do you need me? I can take a day off work. I have some money saved up. I was going to use it to –” Jimin didn’t let him finish.
“No. Yoongi, I don’t want you playing a hero. You’re not – You know I don’t…” Yoongi’s heart broke. If Jimin at least liked him, this would seem more worth the heartache it would undoubtedly lead to.
“I know,” he replied, falling back on the couch.
oOoOoOoOo
As it turned out, Andrew broke up with him too. He had known as well, it seemed about what was going on. Yoongi had never hurt more than when he saw Andrew break down in front of him. Knowing that he had willingly caused this pain tore him apart. Because while he wasn’t in love with Andrew, it was as close as Yoongi felt he would ever be. But the way he had hurt Andrew was unforgivable.
oOoOoOoOo
“You think I’m an idiot? All those trips you take…” Yoongi tried to reach out for him.
“Baby, I didn’t mean to –“
“To what? Fuck him?” Yoongi bristled up; though he knew he deserved it.
“Please. I’m sorry.” He just wanted the pain to go away. He wanted everything to be like it was before Jimin had kissed him at the bachelor party. He wanted to be numb, and he wanted to love Andrew like he loved Jimin. Most of all, he wanted things to be simple and happy.
How naïve.
“You think sorry is going to cut it? I love you. And every time I had to sit there, knowing you were leaving me for him. Knowing the moment he called you, you’d turned your back on me.” He sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore, Yoongi. I can’t.” Yoongi’s hand reached out, and Andrew flinched back.
“I’m sorry.” Yoongi didn’t know what to say to him. There was nothing that could make things right or erase time.
“I love you, Yoongi, and every time you don’t love me back, and it breaks me a little more.”
Yoongi finally understood that he had done to Andrew what Jimin had done to him. He had turned his back on him, used him, and played with him, when really he didn’t care about him in that way. And it made him sick. How much energy and how many emotions had been spent on Jimin? How many times had he wished he’d never kissed him at that one game of truth or dare?
Yet he had pulled the same trick.
“I’m going for a walk. When I get back, I’m packing,” was all Andrew said before running out the door and slamming it behind him. Yoongi didn’t even bother chasing after him.
oOoOoOoOo
They were thirty-seven and alone. Of course, alone didn’t really apply. After Andrew left, Yoongi moved back to Korea and now he and Jimin officially had each other. They still fucked, but it was never anything more. Had someone asked him twenty years ago what he would have given to be like this, he would’ve said anything? Now he would’ve given anything to make it stop.
oOoOoOoOo
Jimin’s arm was wrapped around him, yet Yoongi leaned as far out of it as he could. The sheets covered them both, though it felt too warm and clung to them – the sweat making it stick. Jimin was still awake if his breathing was anything to go by. And by now Yoongi had a fairly good gauge on when Jimin was sleeping and when he was faking. Though, at the moment, he was doing neither.
Yoongi flipped himself over to face Jimin, and was met by a sad pair of brown eyes. For a few minutes, they simply stared at each other. Jimin sighed, and his breath blew in Yoongi’s face. Once upon a time, the two of them would’ve giggled immaturely at the way Yoongi’s hair slightly moved with it. Once upon a time, things like that were funny. Now it took a lot to make them laugh.
Jimin closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. Yoongi reached out and grabbed his hand, which he found surprisingly limp. Jimin had no drive left in him. Teaching kids was what kept him going. And as much as Yoongi loved producing tracks for up and coming idol groups, as much as he loved seeing the look of wonder in his boys’ eyes when he played back a final mix, his life outside of that was equally as miserable.
Pulling himself closer, he placed a light kiss on Jimin’s lips. Jimin didn’t respond; though he didn’t push him back either. He never pushed him back anymore.
“Hey, Jimin.” Jimin’s eyes opened, and he stared at Yoongi, waiting for him to continue. “Lie to me.” For a moment, Jimin’s face was clouded with confusion. Slowly, however, a look of understanding spread across, and he looked at Yoongi through tired eyes.
“I love you.”