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Waves
Push and pull. Back and forth; gently the sound of waves washing ashore fills my dreams. Glittering, brightly colored sea shells are left behind upon the sand.
I like to collect them.
Seeing the soft pinks, and blues. Feeling each of their individual textures instills a strange sense of surreal peace in me. When I hold the shells up to my ear, hearing the faint whispers of the sea... I don't know. In those moments something tugs vaguely at the back of my mind.
It feels familiar. Or maybe, nostalgic is a better word for the feeling. I know without a doubt that in my previous life, when I was human, I must have lived somewhere close to the sea.
I know Nobodies don't have hearts. We don't 'feel' anything.
But... then how else can I explain these strange stirrings in my chest? I have no memories of who I used to be. I'm not like the others.
The only one who understands is Roxas. Yet, even he can't wholly relate to what I am experiencing. He doesn't dream of the sea every night. In fact, I know he doesn't dream at all.
When I am awake, I always feel frightened or anxious. Always aware of how little room I have for failure, before I'm tossed aside. The Organization only needs me for as long as I am useful.
When I dream of the quiet stillness of the beach at night, or the way the sun sparkles across the waves during the day... the sound of seagulls wailing. When I eat sea salt ice cream at the usual spot, with Axel and Roxas. Days like these make everything seem okay.
They help me forget that the world is crashing down around me.
They help me forget...
What don't I want to remember?
Storm
Sora. Who is Sora?
The name. Glimpses of his face. A soft smile, bright blue eyes that look like the sea at dawn.
They're new elements to my dreams. Except, I don't always just see them when I'm asleep. Sometimes, barely over the crash of the waves, I think I can hear his voice too. It's like he's calling out to me... but, I don't know why. I don't know who he is.
Maybe I knew him before, when I was Somebody.
Too many questions. Not enough answers.
My dreams are no longer only peaceful.
Sometimes the waves grow violent. The sky turns dark, and the wind howls.
I feel like I am drowning.
Like I'm being swallowed up.
By the sea.
By my uncertainty.
By a voice calling my name...
Waking from these particular dreams is never pleasant. I gasp for air like water is filling my lungs.
I shake like palm leaves swaying in violent winds.
Sora... why does the name fill me with such dread?
Sunset
When I close my eyes, I see a sunset.
The most beautiful blend of red and gold.
I never want to forget it.
Axel is the red.
Roxas is the gold.
I never want to forget them either.
The memories of us sharing laughter and ice cream high above Twilight Town in our usual spot. I want to cherish them forever. I never want these idyllic days to end.
But every sun sets.
At the end of the day there is always darkness.
I want to hold onto the knowledge that every morning the sun has to rise again, and shed its light on my dark world.
That in the in-between of dark and light, red and gold will be there to paint my blank sky.
And I won't feel so alone anymore.
I want to believe that the three of us will always be together.
But sunsets never last for long.
Buried Treasure
Under my bed, in a small, plain box my treasures are hidden. It's not much. Shells that I've collected. Left over wooden sticks from eating ice cream. Treasures that mean more to me than all the riches in the world.
During my conscious 300 odd days of living with the Organization, I never had much time to contemplate 'me'. I was an empty shell before Roxas, and then Axel breathed life into me.
They helped me become more than just a puppet. Even if that's all I was ever supposed to be.
I am made of memories.
Sora's memories of Kairi. My memories of my two best friends.
But now those memories need to go back where they belong.
I have to bury my treasured days, and make sure they're never found again.
It's going to hurt... saying goodbye.
But it's for the best.
Sora needs me.
Thinking his name doesn't fill me with such dread anymore. Now, it feels like going home. I suppose it's because that is what it will be. Going home.
Before I go, I toss my treasures back into the sea. I can't leave a trace of 'me' behind.
It's funny. The sea is so peaceful, even when I'm a raging storm inside.
The sunset is blurry.
Sea salt touches my lips.
When I go to wipe it away, I realize slowly that there are tears inching down my cheeks. I thought Nobodies couldn't cry?
I wonder if Roxas, or Axel will find themselves able to cry when I'm gone?
Maybe it'll be a kindness that they will find themselves unable to feel such pain.
Sea Foam
Being forgotten was once my biggest fear.
Now that I'm fading away, it doesn't feel as cold or lonely as I thought it would.
I feel warm. At peace.
Salty and Sweet. Waves lap at the sand. Red and gold. Laughter.
It was a good existence.
Even if I was never supposed to exist. If I was supposed to be 'empty'.
I wonder if this is how Somebodies get to feel?
My hand reaches out for the sky, it blurs with Roxas's worried eyes.
Roxas.
Axel.
I'll never forget you...
I hope some day, maybe in some other life, the three of us can meet again and laugh. While eating sea salt ice cream, and watching another unforgettable sunset come and go.
Until then, I know you will both forget me. I know it's for the best.
My heart will remember what we shared.
...maybe one day your hearts will remember too.
Goodbye.
Closing my eyes one last time, I hear the sounds of the sea.
Adrift
The three of us. Eating sea salt ice cream. Goofing off like friends do. Up in a high place where nothing can touch us. Watching sunsets swell and fade.
Three?
Why does that number make me ache?
There was never three of us. It was always just Axel and me.
Everything seems like its falling apart.
Nothing feels whole anymore.
I don't know why...
I need to find answers.
No one will miss me.
Sea Shells
This summer Hayner, Pence, and Olette have decided we should go to the beach. I don't remember if I've ever been before. Even so, thinking about it makes me feel warm inside; like, I've made this promise with other friends before.
Lazy days in our usual spot. Sea salt ice cream. Friends.
I never want this summer to end.
Even if some strange things have been happening lately.
Dreams of a boy I don't know.
Memories that I can't quite tell if they're mine or not.
I try not to think too much about it.
Instead, I idly dream my days away, waiting for our last day of summer.
The sand, the waves. Warm sunsets at the end of the day, covered in sea salt and eating watermelon.
A few sea shells already litter my dresser, where I got them I can't really recall.
I pick one up, a yellow shell with streaks of bright blue, and I hold it up to my ear.
A tiny smile spreads across my face when I hear the rush of the waves, low and peaceful in my ear. The sound is so familiar. Over the crash of the waves upon the shore, softly... barely there... I think I can hear a girl laughing.
A voice I don't know... but, it resonates within me all the same. Hearing her makes me smile a little more.
I fall asleep with the sea shell tucked against my ear. Her laughter and the waves.
My dreams are peaceful.
I never want this summer to end.
Sea Salt Ice Cream
When I woke up from my long sleep, my body felt feather light, and as heavy as lead all at once. I tried desperately to dig through my thoughts, but everything came up hazy, or blank. My memories were easy to recall, but anything up to the point of waking up was gone.
Why was I there?
Why was I asleep?
Who was Namine?
Even though all of my memories came flooding into my mind as soon as I awoke, things still felt like they were missing. Or, different.
When I finally make it home to Destiny Islands, an intense calm washes over me as soon as I hear the usual sounds of the island. The waves on the shore, seagulls crying. The wind swaying the palm leaves.
It's funny... these things never put me at such ease before.
Maybe Riku was right, maybe I have changed.
When I find myself with rare alone time these days, I like to walk along the seashore collecting shells as I go. A past time I enjoyed as a child growing up here has now become a time where I let myself sort through all my thoughts, and find peace.
For some reason doing this feels... important.
I don't know.
Ever since I woke up from my long sleep, nothing seemed like it has changed. And yet, everything is different.
I was different.
When I visit Hayner, Pence, and Olette in Twilight Town a week after getting back to the Islands, it feels strangely more like coming home. I have no idea why seeing their smiling faces, hearing their laughter... it makes me feel more, complete.
They offer me sea salt ice cream when I stride into their Usual Spot.
Together like this, as I take a bite of the unique treat, I'm overcome with sudden flashes of memory.
Salty and Sweet. Waves lap at the sand. Red and gold. Laughter.
The gang stops joking around, smiling faces growing quickly somber. It takes me a few moments to realize why.
A few tears roll down my cheeks, catching in the seams of my smile.
They ask me if I'm okay.
I'm not sure how to respond.
Because... I'm not quite sure if those memories were mine.
I finally nod for them, wipe the tears away and smile as I crack a joke.
But when they turn back to their conversation, I find myself closing my eyes as I take another bite of my melting ice cream.
The images don't come back to me in such vivid focus, and by the third bite they're gone altogether.
Only the sound of the sea fading in the distance is left.
... why do I feel like there's something I'm supposed to remember?
Why do I feel like there was something I wasn't supposed to forget...?
Roxas.
Axel.
....