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You had been over the moon when you had finally gotten over your fears and asked Kiku out on your first date. You had been ecstatic to find an engagement ring on your finger and your handsome fiance in front of you beneath the sakura tree that he cared for in his yard. You had been awestruck when you finally tied the knot before your mother and father and Yao, in a gorgeous kimono, standing beside your now husband. However, you were not as excited about what you were to face. It seemed like all of the boxes had been checked off but two. You’d dated. You’d been proposed to— under Kiku’s and your favorite tree. You’d been married, which felt most intimate with how Kiku insisted on doing it: the traditional way with a shinto shrine and priest.
However, you’d never had sex before, which was baffling enough as it was. You and Kiku had already had your honeymoon and it consisted mostly of sightseeing, bathing in hot springs, and awkwardly dancing around the subject of sex. It was nearly two months after your honeymoon and now another box was trembling and begging to be checked off.
You couldn’t help but to fill your free time with fantasies of your husband gently guiding your son’s hands from his carefully curated bonsai trees, promising treats if he would behave; or fantasies of your daughter patting at still burning hot mochi dough and Kiku caressing her hands and kissing at them until her tears stopped. You knew that he would be a great father, and you even sometimes caught yourself imagining a family that he used to have.
You knew he was centuries old and the personification of Japan. You knew that his hesitance about beginning a relationship with you was partially dependent on that fact. You were sure that he’d had families before, other than Yao and the other Asian nations, and been forced to watch them grow old while he stayed the same.
There wasn’t anything different about you. You were a normal human and there was nothing to change that, but there was also nothing to change the fact that Kiku had let you into his heart and wouldn’t hesitate to fulfill your needs. Which, of course, only made you feel more guilty to approach him about starting a family. You knew he’d say “yes” and that was the problem. You’d be just another wife to grow old and die and so would your child until eventually, the generations would become so muddied that it would be too embarrassing and difficult to meet all of his great-great-great-great grandchildren and explain why he wasn’t old. You knew there were other grandchildren of his walking around every day and he’d never be able to find them.
The fantasies made your stomach turn, knowing just how much pain and suffering you’d cause with one selfish request. The issue was far larger than yourself and there was nothing to be done. The more you thought about it, the more painful it became to even think about being married to Kiku.
So one ordinary day, you returned home after work, found your husband to be already at your kotatsu, ready with a warm meal for you, and there was nothing that you could do to stop the burning tears that poured from a well you didn’t know was flooding. You couldn’t even squirm your knees under the warm fleece as your joints all seemed to lock with fear.
“_______-chan! What’s wrong?” Kiku gasped, quickly unfolding himself to come to your side. He still didn’t offer a comforting touch, but the proximity was an effort, and his hands waited in the air. He could hold you if you didn’t recover on your own. “D-did something happen?”
You could only shake your head in reply, covering your face. You couldn’t even see Kiku’s horrified face as he quickly ran out of things to do and say. Finally, his fingers met your wrists, holding them loosely.
“Have I done something wrong?” he asked. You shook your head. Horror arose again in his eyes before he steeled and wrapped his arms around you. His whole body was stiff as if he needed to think about every part of his body and how it touched you in order to keep control. You pressed your face into his chest and could hardly notice how wet it became with your tears. It was now or never so you muttered out your plea against his chest, hoping that he wouldn’t hear and that he would drop it.
It was ridiculous to hope for that because Kiku immediately requested for you to repeat yourself. Fear and dread could have almost made you faint right then, but somehow you pulled it together long enough to ramble out your words.
“I want a baby.” There was barely any space between your words and it took Kiku a moment to parse out what you’d said. Even then, he still looked confused and horrified. Had you truly said that? Had he misheard?
“C-can you say it in Japanese, _______-chan? I-I’m afraid that my English is not-”
“子供がいたい (Kodomo ga itai),” you whispered faintly, your voice shaking as you try to say the words correctly. You were only half sure that you’d said it right and that made it feel so much worse. To your surprise, however, Kiku didn’t pull away. It was almost as if he feared that he wouldn’t be able to hold you again if he did, so he remained there with you in his arms while he attempted to find an answer.
“I-Is that truly something you want?” Kiku asked after a long time to which you could only nod. “When?” What an impossible question to ask! You could understand what he was asking. After all, you’d been married for two months and dating for six years. That expanse of time made for a large hurdle to jump. So many years could all lead to you two being disappointed with each other in bed.
“N-now,” you said which made Kiku jump slightly. You were crying; how could you want to do it now?
“Are you sure? I do not want to make you any more upset.” So typical of him to avoid his problems by turning it around to you. You cut him off with a reasonably soggy kiss, holding his cheeks so that he couldn’t move back until you released him, which wasn’t very long after.
“W-we’ll keep avoiding it forever unless we do,” you said, pulling back from him but lacing yours and his fingers together. He gave a slow nod and guided you back toward your shared bedroom. You’d slept in the same bed for two years, but there were two depressions marking just how far apart you two slept. You knew this was going to be awkward, but this was your first time and both of your first times together. You were willing to let the exchange be awkward if it meant having Kiku’s child. Your child. Both of you.
“D-do not be afraid to stop me if you do not like it,” Kiku warned as he guided you onto your back, laying you in his divot on the bed. You gave a slight nod, working to stop your tears while his hands carefully surveyed your body. This was not a time for experimentation and risk. The emotions were so tumultuous that it made you sick even to think about some of your more tame fantasies. You were sure to become overwhelmed and cry again, but this moment was special and so sensitive. There were almost a decade’s worth of pent up emotion bottled in this one act and surely that made it richer. There was no way to replicate this sort of emotion.
Kiku massaged your breasts gently through your dress shirt, kissing all over your cheek while working to unbutton your blouse. Your shaking fingers worked on the buttons of his shirt, which would normally send your husband blushing and squirming away from you to get his bearings, but he held it together, knowing just how embarrassed you were as well. He had promised you to care for you when you were married and you seemed to so need this, so he would forsake his comfort for one night to please you and make a child with you. There were no plans. Planning was stalling and if either of you stalled…
You let off a small moan when you felt his lips gingerly kissing the tops of your breasts while his hands migrated toward your pants. He felt your thighs through the fabric before starting to fiddle with the button. His hot breath spilled over your moist skin, his hair nearly sticking to you as well while he focused. Soon, he popped open the button, unzipped the fly, and slid your legs out from your pant legs. You felt so helpless with him doing it all, but you could still barely see through your waterline of tears that you were trying to hold back. Kiku saw your tears forming and he paused his mission of undoing his pants.
“N-no, please, don’t stop,” you begged. “I-I’m fine. It’s just really h-hot.” You struggled to find a better word to describe your feelings, but your husband seemed to understand well enough.
“J-just tell me if you need me to stop,” Kiku insisted, finally getting rid of his underwear and your own. You couldn’t even look to see his reaction or to see his revealed body. You let your fingers roam his chest and shoulders, mapping him out while your core was soon met by his manhood. When he slowly pressed in, you hissed out, furrowing your brows to the somewhat dry contact. You didn’t care, however. You understood that it wasn’t going to be very comfortable with how slow you were to get out of the starting gate. However, when you started imagining your imminent pregnancy, it all started to fall together.
You two had jumped the hurdle. He was inside you now. He knew you more intimately than anyone ever had and you were inviting someone else to get to know you even better. It was enough to give you goosebumps and send those tears loose.
“K-Kiku,” you whimpered, letting your lips tug into a small smile. He paused, confused by your reaction. Were you in pain? Was this a good reaction?
“________?” he asked, feeling over your cheek gently. You only smiled more in reply. No honorific.
“I-I love you,” you whispered, rolling your hips slightly and glancing up to see his face contort slightly, his eyes losing a bit of focus. It was a look that made your head spin.
“愛してる (Aishiteru).” You knew the gravity of that word. He’d always told you the softer variants like “大好き (daisuki)” or “好きだよ (suki dayo)” but you’d heard it in old movies where a wife cried it to her dying husband. You knew that it was so much deeper than any English “I love you.”
Every instinct told you to cover your face as you felt the tears flow heavier, but you resisted and pressed your forehead up to Kiku’s, wrapping your arms around his shoulders and clinging to him.
“P-please,” you begged, rolling your hips subtly again and this time he got the hint. The dryness made you wince again, but he did his best not to make it too uncomfortable with his small thrusts, and gradually your whole body worked itself into his spell. His movements evolved until both of your eyes were growing so hazy that you weren’t even embarrassed to stare at each other while listening to all of the wet sounds your bodies made.
You wrapped your legs around his hips, pulling him closer until you began gasping and mewling and Kiku knew exactly where you’d led him. His arms were beginning to shake, so he collapsed onto his elbows, pressing his lips into your neck so as to not waste the opportunity. Your toes curled and you made a throaty squeal that you’d never heard yourself make before, but it only made your husband smile against your neck and devolve into struggled kissing and hot breath.
Your mind begged you to tell him that you were close, but words would break the feeling in the air, so you didn’t dare. You didn’t need to be a psychic to tell that he was close either, especially since every time he would slow down, you could feel his pulse… Or was that yours? It didn’t matter, because all signs pointed to the two of you being at the breaking point. Your fingers clutched the shorter undercut of his hair as he wound back and pressed hard and deeply into you a few times.
When he finally snapped, you expected it to feel hot like your cheeks and ears did, but it just felt lukewarm. One last roll of your hips was all you needed to set your body convulsing and you held still, trying to keep the feeling for a little longer whenever it let up. Kiku slowly brought his face from your neck to look at you with your hazy eyes, hair worse than bedhead, forehead beaded with sweat, and cheeks all red. Your fingers tightened on his hair, begging him to stay inside while a mouse volume whimper left his throat.
“I-I hope that works,” he whispered, slowly collapsing, shifting his weight away from you as best as he could.
“Would you be disappointed if it didn’t? We could do this again,” you dared to say, earning a flustered laugh from your modest husband.
“I might be a little disappointed, but I had forgotten what it felt like. ごめんなさい (Gomennasai). I shouldn’t have made you wait so long.” Predictable. You knew he’d apologize, but there was no other way to deal with it than to just accept his apology. He’d apologize for anything, but this was forgivable, as long as he didn’t put it off again.
After a while, the feeling of sweat and semen started to feel less glorious, so you parted, half-heartedly pulling the sheet over your bodies as you cooled down. Exhaustion finally pulled you from your daydreams and into an unfortunately dreamless sleep.
Thankfully, you worked from home, so it didn’t matter that you were tired and unkempt, but your poor husband was forced to rise early, shower, and trudge through a sore day after your night. But that wasn’t now. You’d pulled yourself out of bed after his alarm woke you both and you fixed breakfast while Kiku tried desperately to take a short shower. With the way he enjoyed his baths, it was always a war to take a timely shower in the morning if he had to, so you knew to make a breakfast that he could take with him. Normally, you’d lay back in bed, but when Kiku finished his shower and dressed, you were folded up by the open shoji, looking out onto his yard as mist shrouded the borders. The air hung heavy and so did the words that you uttered before he could properly comment on the out of character manner of your morning.
“I think I understand why you chose to have children and families when very few of the other Countries did.” Clearly, this was too heavy for the morning, but Kiku took a break from tying his tie to fold up beside you. His attention belonged to you. “I remember you telling me about the lullaby where the girl is so poor and hungry that she dies on the roadside and she thinks about her little sister and the cicadas and the flowers that will grow when she dies.”
“五木の子守唄 (Itsuki no komoriuta)?” he asked softly and you shrugged.
“You’d know better than I do. Still, it made me very sad when I heard it and you explained it, but I didn’t understand how it could be a lullaby when it was so sad. But that’s just it, isn’t it? It’s sad, but that doesn’t mean it should make us sad. Her dying thoughts were her sister and cicadas and flowers and those are all nice things. She became something different and still lovely, even though it made her sister sad, but that’s how life goes. Nothing stays forever and it’s appreciating the little things and enjoying the impermanence that makes you choose to endure the sadness of losing your family over and over. We’re worth it just to experience it in this glimpse of your life.”
The words fell out of your mouth without much planning, and you could see a soft smile form on your husband’s lips when you finished. He leaned his arm gently against your own and sighed, matching your gaze out into the yard.
“That feeling is called 物の哀れ (mono no aware),” he said, humming low in his chest. “It is the pain of losing a loved one yet appreciating all of the happiness you have shared. It is the deep feeling you get when you look at a tree and realize that it has lived thousands of years longer than you and that you are an infant in the world. It is the feeling that I get when I look at you and it is why we are still here. You are a pain that I would not want to live without.”
Thankfully, you’d used up the last of your tears last night and couldn’t do anything more than scrunch up your face and press it into his chest. He’d never been so comfortable with your touch. He didn’t flinch or stiffen or pull away. He was enjoying this impermanence, even if it made him late to work.
“Please hurry! The kotatsu can only keep me so warm!” you whined, cold wind and snow swirling in from the outside as Kiku impatiently waited on Pochi to come back inside.
“Pochi! Please hurry!” He knew it wouldn’t make the dog pee any faster, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to get out of the cold just as much as anyone else. Finally, Pochi patted in and Kiku was able to close the shoji with a grateful sigh. He shuffled to the other side of the kotatsu and folded himself under. You both clapped your hands, gave thanks for the food, and then picked up your chopsticks. However, Kiku paused long enough that it distracted you from your own gorging.
“What is it?” you asked after swallowing and his face turned scarlet in embarrassment. As soon as his eyes shifted, it became clear that he’d been staring at your very pregnant belly. You had been due for several days, but you felt calm, sure that the two of you would be able to handle it when it came. Your baby just wasn’t quite ready. “She’s fine, Kiku. I think she’s trying to stay out of this cold too.” A smile spread over his face at the joke.
“I cannot help but worry. Gomen. I have never seen a baby who takes this long,” he admitted. Certainly there had to be longer pregnancies than this, but not that he’d seen. “It is probably a good idea to eat while you can, just in case.”
“I’m sure that I’d know, but you can’t skip the food either. You’re so distracted. If you don’t eat, you could be the one too weak to manage,” you teased, doing nothing to take the color from his face.
“You know, this would be a lot more glamorous if my back didn’t hurt so badly.” The words came out of your mouth without a thought. Kiku immediately got up and rounded the kotatsu, sitting behind you and gently pressing his thumbs into the small of your back. “Ah!” you moaned as the pain lifted a bit. Now he certainly was too distracted to eat. Gradually, his thumbs pressed harder into your aching muscles, staying with you to work out all of the pain until it was gone. Just when you thought that it was truly gone, the pain returned and made you wince and hold your breath. Kiku immediately took his hands off, apologizing profusely for hurting you.
“Gomennasai, gomennasi,” he repeated as you gathered your breath back.
“It’s alright, Kiku. I… I think that we should go back to eating,” you said. You couldn’t say that you worried that the pain wasn’t back pain or else he wouldn’t eat. “I’ve distracted you enough.”
With reluctance, he obeyed and returned to his food. The two of your ate in relative silence, bar the howling wind outside and your chewing and small talk. It took almost all of your focus to keep from making faces in pain as it seemed your theory was confirmed, the pain returning on time. Soon, the pain became a little too much for you to finish your food and you needed to admit defeat.
“Kiku? Will you come lay down with me and hold me for a little while? I-I…” The words seemed to stop in your throat and your husband set down his chopsticks, his brows furrowing.
“She is coming now, isn’t she?” he asked. Relief washed over you as you nodded your head and felt his hands guide you to your feet and lead you to the bedroom. As soon as you laid down, Kiku began to gather towels and everything else that you two would need. After much discussion, you had decided that you’d have your daughter at home, and that you wanted to try to do it on your own. It was a risky idea, but Kiku had helped with this several times before, and you two already knew that your baby was perfectly healthy, so there should be little worry. Besides, it made you feel even more special for you to share this moment only with your husband, despite the risk. It belonged to you.
Hours upon hours passed where you begged Kiku to hold you and then you begged for him to stop touching you and then begged for him to whisper to you and then begged for him to shut up. He obeyed your orders dutifully, checking on your progress whenever you offered a new comment about the pain. The sun had completely set and the night was deep before you started sobbing and grabbing your hair and clawing at the bed and that was when you both came to realize that the end was nearing.
Some women in labor swore or cursed their spouses or cursed the father of their child, but you did something scarier. You kept sobbing out “help” as the pain grew worse and you could feel all the pressure aiming down your hips. It drained the color from your poor husband at first, but he calmed down a little when he realized that everything was going normally. You unfortunately discovered that a drawback to your choice to have your daughter at home with just Kiku was that you had no hand to hold so you just clung to the top of the mattress for dear life.
“頑張って (Ganbatte),” you could hear him encouraging as you lost track of what was actually happening. It was as if you had left your body for a moment and closed your eyes. The pain came to such a fever pitch that you stopped truly feeling it except that you knew you were suffering. You heard your husband coaching you and you saw him whenever your eyes weren’t squeezed shut. You could feel yourself push and feel the hot tears pouring out of your eyes. It was at the same time insurmountably painful, and numb, like ice so cold that it burns.
And then it was over and you heard hissing and you felt lightheaded and drunk for half a moment until you saw Kiku with your bloody daughter in the nest of his arms, trying to clean her. Her screams bit through your stupor with such clarity that it was all that kept you grounded as your body tingled in pain. You must have passed out for a moment because her cord was already cut and neatly tied off.
The moment that you and your husband made eye contact, he smiled such a sweet smile and rounded the bed to your side so that you could hold her and he could hold you. You never wanted to let go of your daughter for anything. Not even Kiku. The feeling was addicting and if that was anything like what Kiku felt for you and your new daughter, you would certainly understand why he would keep coming back for more.