Chapter Text
Sam hadn’t been the same since he’d gotten out of hell. Something- and you didn’t know what; couldn’t even begin to fathom it- must have happened to him down there. But he downright refused to say what; dodging the question and changing the subject every time you brought it up. Sometimes, you had to wonder if it was just the fact that he let Dean go live with Lisa- maybe he missed him and regretted his decision. You certainly did. But you knew that you couldn’t go see him, even just a glance. If you had gone to Dean, how could you keep it a secret that Sam wasn’t really dead? Dean loved his brother- you knew how much he loved him. And you couldn’t keep the fact that he was alive secret from him. Thus, it was miles and miles away from him you stayed.
On some level (and you didn’t know how dominant that level may be), Sam had always known that you were in love with him. But the last few years had been hard. First demon blood, then the apocalypse - acting on your feelings was just too dangerous. But when you saw that he was back, mere days after he’d sacrificed himself to lock Lucifer back in his cage with Michael, you had fearlessly kissed him.
It had been in your motel room doorway, late at night. You’d been in mourning and hadn’t left the room since everything had gone down. When you heard the knock at your door, you thought it might be Dean. You weren’t so sure he’d actually follow through with giving up hunting, like he’d promised his brother. Maybe it was Cas, maybe even Bobby - you really didn’t know. However, you had never expected to see Sam standing in front of you. Your first reaction had been to splash him with holy water, and then to slice him with a silver blade. How the hell could he have been there? It had to have been a trick of some sort.
But as you began to step back into the room to grab… Something to defend yourself with, Sam had reached out and grabbed your arms, sliding his hands down until his fingers laced with yours with a smirk on his face. You’d never forget the feeling in your chest when you looked up into his hazel eyes. Your heart stopped and you pulled on his hands, standing up on the tips of your toes to crash your lips into his.
It was Sam. You knew.
He hadn’t hesitated to kiss you back. Nor had he thought twice about bringing his hand up to cup your face; sliding it back to tangle his fingers into your hair. You had let him. You had let him back you up into your room and kick the door shut and even encouraged him as you went straight for his belt and undid the buckle.
You had been so caught up in him that when you uttered the words I love you and he only responded with I know, you hadn’t thought twice.
It was weeks before you had really noticed that something was wrong. You had thought that everything with you and Sam was fine until you came back to your motel room one night to find Sam in bed with the waitress from the diner you two ate at that morning.
You were pissed. How could Sam have done that to you? You’d left him then and there and hit the road - destination anywhere. Days later Sam had found you of course, and you had been back in bed with him within minutes. Neither of you had ever really defined whether this was an actual relationship or not, so you let it slide. You continued to hunt with Sam, and who you now knew as Mary’s cousins. Along with Samuel, Mary’s mother, and Sam’s grandfather, who was also mysteriously back from the dead.
Unfortunately, Sam had continued to toy with you. For months, he would go see other women and come back home to you at night. He had never once told you that he loved you, but neither had he lead you to believe that he didn’t love you. By the time you had been in same town that Dean lived, you had been miserable. But you loved Sam, so you tried telling yourself that you didn’t care.
Reuniting with Dean had been a trip. He as expected was pissed at you, Sam, and Bobby for not telling him that Sam was back. But hadn’t he understood? He was out. Even if it had been only for a year, he got out. Dean had been done - and that was something you were sure you’d never see. But he had ended up leaving Lisa and Ben - you’d known he couldn’t stay away after he had found out that Sam was back.
Evidently, you’d been in worse shape than you originally thought. The first thing Dean had done once he was alone with you was ask what was wrong. It was then that you had told him all about how you and Sam had been sort of on and off and whatever since he got back. You had told him about the women, about the nights you’d slept in his car; about the times you’d just straight up left him.
And that had pissed him off even more. After that, Dean had grown suspicious of his brother. But it hadn’t been until they had both taken out some Egyptian goddess of cats that things really escalated.
When Dean showed up with an unconscious Sam, you straight up panicked, jumping to your feet when you saw his limp form hanging from Dean’s arms, beat to hell.
“Dean, what happened?” you screeched when the door swung open, announcing their arrival. Your instincts were telling you to rush to Sam’s side and see if he was okay.
“I did-” He let out a low growl as he sat him down in a chair and held him in place with one arm while shoving you to the side with the other. “This isn’t Sam.”
“What?” you said, being taken completely off guard. “What do you mean it isn’t Sam? Is it a shifter?!” you exclaimed; now worried that Sam was kidnapped or half dead in a ditch somewhere, praying for rescue to a Heaven that wasn’t listening.
“He says he’s him but I don’t know, Y/N… Something’s wrong.” He gestured at the rope that sat on the table and you walked over to grab it for him. “Cas, get down here now.”
Your worry was only minutely relieved by Dean’s words as you dropped on your knees next to Sam and placed your hand on his face and really looked at him. This was Sam. You knew it. Something was just… Wrong. Something must have happened to him in the cage. That was it. That’s all it could’ve been.
“What’s wrong?” You heard Cas’ deep voice ask immediately after you heard the flutter of his wings. You turned and looked at him with tears gathering in your eyes. Dean explained what was happening and a moment later Dean was urging you to back away with his hand on your shoulder.
You wiped your hands that were wet with Sam’s blood on the front of your pants. “Dean” you began as you leaned into him, “I’m scared.”
“I know, sweetheart,” he comforted you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as you struggled to keep the tears from falling.
“You’re right, he looks terrible.” Cas commented as he leaned over and looked at Sam, who was now beginning to regain consciousness. “You did this?” He asked, glancing back at Dean.
He nodded and Cas looked back at Sam as he came to. “Cas?” he asked blearily; still stunned from the beating that Dean had given him.
Your heart pounded in your chest and you bit the inside of your cheeks as you watched, listening to his voice intently. How couldn’t this be Sam?
Cas began examining Sam, placing his hand on his forehead and looking in his eye. “Has he been feverish?”
Dean, pissed as ever - and scared as well, you could tell by how tense he was - “Have you?”
Sam groaned a bit (his head was probably pounding from just having the crap beat out of him). “No, why?”
Sam looked over at you and you tightened your grip on Dean; a grip you didn’t know you had. Dean leaned back against the wall and squeezed your arm gently, reassuring you. If he wasn’t here for you right now, you didn’t know what would happen.
“Is he speaking in tongues?” Cas looked over at you and Dean before looking back at Sam and rapidly repeating the question. “Are you speaking in tongues?”
“No.” Sam seemed offended now, “What are you… Are you… Diagnosing me?” He sounded incredulous.
“You better hope he can.” Dean said with a cold, hard voice.
“You really think that this-”
“What, do you think that there’s a clinic out there for people who pop outta hell wrong?” He raised his voice as he let go of you and stepped forward. You watched Dean, stiffening up as you stood there, looking between the two men and the angel in the room. “He asks, you answer, then you shut your hole,got it?”
Things were quiet for a moment and you decided to step forward as Cas spoke up again. “How much do you sleep?”
“I don’t.” Sam admitted.
Your heart dropped and you looked directly at him, your fear quickly morphing into rage- “How the hell did you hide that for a year?”
Sam glared at you, and if you were being honest it made you wanna have a go at him yourself at this point.
“Y/N, wait-” Dean held his arm up in front of you before looking at Sam. “Not at all?”
“Not since I got back.” Sam elaborated.
It seemed to finally click in Dean’s head. “And it never occurred to you that there might be something off about that??” he yelled.
“Of course it did, Dean I…I.. I just never told you… or Y/N.” Sam said, peeking over at you for a moment before looking away quickly.
Castiel paced around, studying you and Dean.
“What?” Dean asked.
“Sam,” Cas began, “What are you feeling, now?”
Sam chuckled, “I feel like my nose is broken.”
You looked between Castiel and Dean, biting your tongue to keep your mouth shut. You were on the verge of screaming right now, but you needed to find out what the hell was going on.
Maybe it wasn’t Sam.
“No, that’s a physical sensation,” Cas corrected. “How do you feel?”
“I thin-”
“Feel.”
“I… Don’t know.” Sam finally said, tilting his head slightly.
Castiel first looked back at Dean and then shifted his sight to you; communicating silently with his eyes when Dean pulled you back behind him. They had to have been thinking the same thing. And by the way Dean had grabbed you, you were certain you wouldn’t like it.
“What?” you asked, only to be ignored.
You swallowed thickly when you noticed Castiel taking his belt off. Was he going to beat Sam with it? Your heartbeat sped up and you watched as he stepped towards Sam, leather in hand.
“Dean.” you said in uncertain protest.
“It’s fine, Y/N.” He assured you.
“This will be unpleasant,” Castiel warned as he guided Sam to bite down on his belt. “If there’s some place that you find soothing, you should go there-” he rolled one of his sleeves up- “In your mind.”
“Cas what are you-” you began to shout just as Sam began to groan in pain. You watched Cas shove his entire hand and forearm right into Sam’s midsection, and you couldn’t help a few tears spilling over. You didn’t like this.
Dean had a grip on your arms like no other. You thought of how it was a good thing though, or otherwise you’d probably try to tackle Cas. By the way Dean had a hold of you, you weren’t so sure he wouldn’t have tackled him either.
After what felt like half an hour, but was really only a few seconds, Castiel pulled his pulled his hand out of Sam. “You find anything?” Dean asked him.
“No.” Cas said quietly. You resisted the urge to run to Sam.
“So, is that good news?” You questioned, slightly choked up.
“I’m afraid not.” Castiel turned to you and looked at you directly in the shining eyes. “Physically, he is perfectly healthy.”
“But what?” Dean asked; knowing there was more just from the the timber of Castiel’s voice.
“It’s his soul,” Cas began again, “It’s gone.”
Your heart dropped to your stomach as you looked between Dean and Cas and Sam, not knowing where to look. You didn’t know what to think. If Sam had no soul- well, you didn’t know exactly what it meant to be quite honest. But you did know that it meant he wasn’t your Sam. And you were absolutely livid.