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Clint didn’t bother to hide his scoff as he took in the behavior of the two leaders of the Avengers. The fight hadn’t even been all that challenging, but they were still at it. Dealing with The Wrecking Crew was almost like a fun vacation compared to the Iron Skull’s machinations. Apparently Cap and Iron Man hadn’t gotten that memo - they were being so dramatic you’d think they’d just averted the end of the world while nearly escaping or something. Typical.
Tony’d retracted his faceplate and thrown his gauntlets to one side in an incredibly angsty fashion. Like, so angsty that if Clint had an endless supply of popcorn, he could just watch the two of them and never have to pay to see another movie about teenage vampires in love. Tony’s jaw was set in a hard angle as his hands roamed over Cap’s body. Supposedly he was ‘checking for wounds’ the way he always did. Clint was pretty sure he just used that as an excuse to cop a few feels.
Not that Clint entirely blamed him. Cap didn’t seem to mind, and he definitely topped Clint’s own list of men he’d enjoy doing the horizontal tango with.
To be fair, Cap might not even fully realize Tony was practically groping his chest. He was too busy gazing deeply into Tony’s eyes, scolding him for reckless behavior. Though his hands had started out on Tony’s shoulders, they’d dropped to Tony’s hips, because of course they had. He didn’t even sound mad, which might have almost sold the act. No, Cap just sounded worried and proud, like he wished Tony would be just a little less amazing if it meant he’d be safe but didn’t blame him when his genius shone. Honestly, the UST was killing him… but he couldn’t look away. Maybe it was finally time to end this.
“Hey Drama-vengers! Remember when I said you two should hug it out?” Both men half-turned to frown at him; Clint arched a brow to show how not-impressed he was. They were still basically holding each other as they tried to scowl him into silence, and it was ridiculous. This had been going on for frigging ever, and he was done with it. He was going to do them and all the rest of the Avengers a favor. “Changed my mind.”
“Hawkeye.” Nat’s voice held a note of warning, but he knew it was bull. When he glanced at her, she looked interested… though she was still lounging back against a bit of rubble, pretending she was the coolest thing since the Ice Age.
“No. I can’t take it anymore. I’ve been silent too long, Nat - we all have. No longer!”
“And… who were you calling Drama-vengers again?” Tony asked in that ‘Starkastic’ way of his that Clint secretly enjoyed.
“You! You and Captain Oblivious! Not that you’re any better. There a chastity belt built into that thing or something?”
“Hawkeye!” Cap’s reprimand was stronger than Nat’s, but Clint paid it no heed. The guy kept darting his eyes to Tony, and Clint was pretty sure he was blushing under his cowl. He needed to put them both out of their misery, no matter the cost.
“I can’t hold my peace any longer! We are waaaaay past hugging it out. You guys are at least to the kissing it out stage. You may have even reached critical levels of UST - you might need to fu-”
“Shut it, puny arrow man.” Hulk insisted, giving him a light shove at the same time. It still sent him careening toward a wall, but he was sorta used to that. He managed to catch himself and didn’t dignify the action by even looking at the Hulk. “No influencing who wins the bet.”
“It’s not even my week! The kid’s gonna win if it happens now!” When Clint looked at the not-quite-couple, they both looked distinctly unamused. “Heh. I mean… what bet?”
“Does someone want to tell me what is going on?” Cap’s voice had that deceptively calm tone. It was the one that meant he was ready to blow, and heaven help anyone caught in the blast. But this was one grenade Clint was happy to throw himself on if it got these two clueless idiots to smooch already.
“Look Cap. We’ve all kept quiet out of a desire to, you know, keep breathing with all our limbs intact. But I can’t - I can’t watch this tragedy play out a second longer. You two are so gone on each other that it’s sickening.”
“... what?” Tony asked, voice sounding kinda funny. Clint figured it was denial.
“Don’t try to pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about Stark. You love him, have for years. He’s just as gaga over you, so will you both get your heads out of your butts and just KISS ALREADY?!” He hurled his down his bow and stood with his arms outstretched, beseeching them to listen. If you couldn’t beat the Drama-vengers, it was best to join them. “The UST is killing me and I’m not even part of it. Can’t imagine what it’s doing to the pair of you. Now get with the lip-locking!”
The two slowly turned to each other, blinking. Had they really not seen it? Could they really have been that blind? It was so obvious from the outside, but Cap and Tony were both super socially awkward - nothing like him and his smooth self. Sam had finally caught on to what was going on and had landed at Natasha’s side. He was fidgeting and looked unsure - before he could open his mouth though, Nat spoke up.
“You still with the pot, kid, don’t worry.” Sam immediately relaxed, and excited interest replaced the worry that had been on his face.
“Great!! Okay then. I mean… uh. It’s not really gambling, since I’m. Uh. It’s… going into a college fund?”
“Will you all be quiet?” Clint demanded, swinging both arms around to point at Cap and Tony, sunglasses slipping down his nose as he did. “I am trying to help my friends get laid here! Next person who isn’t me or them that talks gets an exploding arrow to the face.” The threat would only faze Sam, and that only a little, but hopefully they’d all get the message anyway. A guy could dream.
He turned his attention back to Cap and Tony, sighing heavily. They were still just staring, and Clint’s patience was really starting to wear thin. For real - what was it going to take?!
“... hey green bean. You ever make your glass dolls kiss?”
“They’re not dolls!” Hulk roared, making him roll his eyes. For a moment it looked like the Hulk would charge him and ruin everything, but then the point of Clint’s question sank in. “Ohhhhh. I get it.” Hulk’s grin was unnerving as he pounded one fist into his palm; Clint hoped Steve and Tony didn’t mind their kisses a bit smash-y.
“Woah! Hey!” Sam intervened, moving to stand in front of the Hulk. The kid had guts, even if his brains sometimes couldn’t keep up with his bravery. “Let’s not smash our fearless leaders together, okay? I have a feeling they can handle this themselves.”
“You haven’t been watching them pine after each other for years. Literal years, rookie. They can’t handle this even a little by themselves. But fine, no, I can see where the Hulk might be overkill for the first attempt. Abort the kissing-smash.” Hulk growled but came to a stop - if he wasn’t a giant green rage monster, Clint would have said he was pouting. He had way more important things to think about though - how to get the old man and the idiot genius to swap spit. Clint crossed his arms over his chest as he pondered the problem, rubbing his chin absently. Then the answer came to him, and he grinned before cupping his hands around his mouth. “Kiss him!” he shouted cheerfully, enjoying the blush on both Cap and Tony’s cheeks. “Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him-”
Hulk took up the chant almost immediately, but Sam didn’t join in until he saw that neither Cap nor Tony looked mad. Nat was giving them all a look. It was supposed to be all ‘I am above you and your ridiculous, childish antics’, but Clint read it as more of a ‘I wish I knew how to let loose and have fun like you but I’ll have to live vicariously through you’ look instead.
At some point, Cap had turned into Steve by shoving his cowl back, and he was wearing a sheepish expression as he gazed deeply into Tony’s eyes again. The pair of ‘em were like a corny romcom - Clint really need to get on securing an endless supply of popcorn. Tony was staring back just as intently, a wicked smile on his lips. The two of them seemed to be having a conversation with eyebrow movements and jaw clenches - that they could do that really only proved his point. As the chant of ‘kiss him’ reached a fever pitch, the pair of them came to some kind of decision. When they acted on it though, it… it wasn’t what Clint had expected.
He’d thought Steve would be the one to initiate, honestly. He was always the one going on about ‘good old fashioned guts’ after all. And because they were both so awkward and so clueless, he’d expected it to be tentative and shy and sweet. Or at least pretty chaste, because Cap really didn’t seem like a guy who’d be big on the PDA. What actually happened made them all fall silent, and Clint was pretty sure even Natasha’s jaw dropped a little.
Tony was the one to roughly haul Steve against his body. Clint then nearly swooned when Steve plastered himself against the armor without hesitation, wrapping both arms around Tony’s shoulders. Then, in a move so elegant and smooth it was like they’d practiced, Tony bent Steve back until they were almost horizontal. One of Steve’s legs even lifted to wrap around Tony’s waist, and Clint heard a softly whispered ‘woah’ from Sam. He totally agreed, especially when the pair locked lips in a kiss that looked positively scorching.
There was tongue, he could see that much. Lots of tongue, and then some moans that were positively filthy. Steve and Tony were sucking face like pros, and Clint would offer mad props if he wasn’t starting to get a little… uncomfortable. Mostly in his pants. It felt like forever before they separated, both clearly out of breath. Even then, Tony didn’t just bring them out of the dip; he rested his forehead against Steve’s, eyes still closed. They were smiling, and after a few seconds Steve chuckled and… fuck’s sake. He rubbed his nose against Tony’s because of course. Of course they would be disgustingly adorable with each other.
“Ugh. I shouldn’t have told you. The pining was better than watching you be all gooey with each other.” Nat made a sound, the one that meant he was being an idiot, so he quickly glanced over at her. “What?”
By the time he looked back to the now-couple (he was so proud of his awesome matchmaking skills), Tony was finally bringing them both out of the back-bend. Once they were standing straight, Steve gave Tony another kiss as he dropped his leg. “Nice moves, Shellhead.” The tease was so soft Clint almost missed it… and he started to get the feeling he had missed something else.
Suddenly Steve whirled to look at him, and in three long strides he was right in Clint’s face. Though his cheeks were a little pink, he’d opened his blue eyes wide and wore a boyish grin. “Golly Clint! I can’t believe I never noticed Tony’s very obvious feelings for me!” His excitement was way over the top as he grabbed Clint’s shoulders and gave him a gentle shake.
“Uhm. What’s-”
“I mean… there’s no way I could have confessed my own feelings to him without your meddling. I couldn’t have even figured out my latent homosexuality! Gosh, I’m just so old and repressed that I would’ve pined forever. Thank you, Clint. Thank you.” Was Steve making fun of him? He couldn’t quite tell, because Steve didn’t usually do sarcasm, but this felt like maybe it was supposed to sarcastic, and he was so confused.
“No… problem?”
“But now that I realize how very, very gay and am and that Tony is too, just kissing isn’t enough.” What the hell? Clint felt his eyes go wide before they darted to Tony. He’d shut his faceplate, which hid his expression. Maybe he feared rejection for some crazy reason? Except as Steve went on, Iron Man face-palmed and his shoulders were shaking in what Clint heavily suspected was laughter. “Hawkeye… Clint. I need your help, because they didn’t invent sex until after I was born. I need you to explain gay sex to me,” Steve looked back to Iron Man, and his innocent, earnest expression cracked juuuust long enough for Clint to know Steve was making fun of him. Then Steve’s eyes were back on him, all hint of teasing gone. “Quick as you can. I do best with hands-on learning, but diagrams would be an acceptable way to brief me for this mission.”
“As long as I’m in charge of the debriefing,” Iron Man offered, sounding deeply amused even through the armor. “Only one who gets to see that ass without its star-spangled wrapping is me.” CLint looked between them, eyes narrowed, then let out a groan as everything clicked into place.
“Awww, man! You guys are already an item, aren’t you?”
“Yup.” Tony lifted his faceplate just as Steve reached him, and they shared another light kiss.
“Since when?
“The night after Tony enacted the Avengers Protocol and almost died saving my rear. Again.” Another kiss, and Clint was pretty sure he was going to get a few cavities from all the sweetness now that their relationship was out in the open.
“How could you not tell us?” Nat asked, sounding displeased. Clint knew what she really meant was ‘how did you manage to hide this from me, superspy who knows everything ever about everyone’.
Clint was pretty good at reading between Nat’s lines.
“You think I didn’t know about the bet you guys had running last time we teamed up?” Tony looked and sounded unbearably smug as he draped himself on Steve. The blonde Avenger looked fondly exasperated by the move, but he bore the weight of the suit and Tony with ease.”I knew if we just didn’t kiss where you could see, none of you would know the difference. I wanted to see how long it’d take before one of you snapped.”
“... you are such a jerk, Tony.”
“You’re the one who’s a jerk, Hawk-guy. If you’d done this last week or next week, I’d have been the one to win our bet.” Tony briefly looked irritated, until he met Steve’s eyes again. “Though I do look forward to paying that debt, baby.”
“No! No. I veto the use of cutesy nicknames. Shellhead and Winghead are bad enough. No. And stop being all… all... “ Clint waved his hand up and down at that, move encompassing everything about the couple. “All adorable. Stop it.”
“... hey Shellhead. Wanna make-out in the Avenjet on the way home? Since we’re not supposed to be ‘cutesy’ and all.”
“Love to Winghead.”
By the time they got back to the tower, Clint almost meant it when he proclaimed that he’d preferred the UST to this.
Almost.