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Sex is something Tyler's never really done, as strange as that sounds. At least, not the kind of sex Josh want to have with him.
Josh wants to make love. Tyler's only ever had sex with complete strangers in the dark.
But he loves Josh, and Josh loves him (how weird is that?), and Tyler figures that he may as well try that kind of sex.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Josh asks for maybe the billionth time.
"Yes, I'm fine," Tyler says, a bit sharply.
"Just checking," Josh says gently.
They're both shirtless, Josh lying on top of Tyler. They've just been kissing lazily, and Tyler is wondering how long people in love kiss before they have sex. He's not complaining. He's just curious.
Josh traces his thumb over Tyler's jaw as they kiss again, and Tyler gently places a hand on his back, pulling him closer.
Josh makes a pleased noise as they get closer to each other before moving his kisses down Tyler's neck, across his chest. It feels amazing, like Josh is paying attention to every part of him, and loving all of it.
Josh reaches Tyler's hips, and Tyler lets him pull down his jeans. Josh then pulls off his own jeans before settling back on top of Tyler.
"Okay?" Josh asks as he fingers Tyler's boxers, preparing to slide them off. Tyler nods, and Josh moves down again.
Tyler's boxers are pulled off, and he feels Josh's mouth on his hips, his thighs, kissing and sucking. Tyler's cock is getting excited, but Josh is just focusing on everything around it.
Tyler groans in frustration and pulls Josh back up so he can kiss him. He tries to grind his hips against Josh's, but Josh stops him in favor of uncapping a bottle of lube. Squirting some onto his palm, Josh moves back down Tyler's body.
"Okay?" he asks, fingers ghosting over Tyler's ass. Tyler nods.
Josh works quickly but gently, slowly opening Tyler up. Josh is acting like it's some sort of event all on it's own, not like it's some annoying courtesy. He's pressing kisses to Tyler's legs and hips and stomach, which tickle a little, but it mostly feels amazing.
Tyler's drifting with the gentle rhythm of Josh's fingers, and he almost misses it when Josh pulls his fingers out and slides a condom on.
"Ready?" Josh asks.
"Yeah," Tyler says. Josh pushes in, and Tyler groans with the pain-pleasure that comes.
Josh falls into a slow, comfortable rhythm before setting his forearms on either side of Tyler's body.
Tyler likes that they're using the missionary position. He likes that Josh can kiss him, that Josh can look at him with those gentle eyes and tell him that he loves him. He suspects Josh picked this position on purpose.
Josh is picking up speed, grunting slightly. Tyler groans and wraps his legs around Josh's hips, pulling him closer. He gets his hand on Tyler's cock, and starts jerking, and Tyler lets out a moan and kisses him.
Josh's thrusts get more and more erratic, and he finally grinds out "Tyler!" and comes. His entire body shakes, including his hand, and Tyler comes all over both of their stomachs.
They lie there for a while, sweat-soaked and panting. Josh is carding sweaty and lube-covered fingers through Tyler's hair, which should be gross but it isn't.
Josh finally pulls out and settles himself down next to Tyler. Tyler feels gross, come-covered and dirty, but Josh just looks at him like he's something valuable, something precious, and that's when he loses it.
Tyler bursts into tears.
He's clinging to Josh and just sobbing, crying like he's sixteen again and just lost his virginity in some party with to a girl he didn't know, doesn't know. Crying like he wanted to but didn't.
He's crying like he's seventeen again, and he's finished letting a high-school jock fuck him. (The jock called him a dirty faggot as he came.)
At the back of his mind, he can hear Josh frantically trying to calm him, soothe him. He can feel Josh pulling him closer. But Tyler's pushing away, because he's eighteen again, and he doesn't know if he want it or not. He didn't know and he doesn't know and he probably will never know.
He just knows that it hurt.
He's crying like he's nineteen again, and sex is still too painful, even though she's a girl. She pushes him, even though he's not ready. He knows he didn't want it then.
He's crying like he's twenty again, and he's drunk and he's high and everything hurts and he throws himself into sex because it's so easy to lose himself in.
Vaguely, he realizes that he's locked himself in the bathroom, and that Josh is on the other side, all gentle words, and that the bathroom floor is cold against his skin, and he's crying like he's twenty-one again, still lying on the cold floor on the club's bathroom after being fucked by two guys.
He's crying like he's twenty-two again, and he's having sex with some girl in her bedroom. They're lying on her bed afterwards and he tells her he cried because he was raped once and she yells that men can't be raped, get the fuck out, you stupid faggot.
He's crying like he's twenty-three again, and he's just had sex with a guy who thought he was a prostitute. (He took the money, though. He needed it.)
He's crying like he's twenty-four again, and he's throwing up alcohol and semen and bile and nothing else because he's swallowed for the first time.
He's crying because he's twenty-five, he's twenty-five and he didn't even know that people could actually make love, that sex isn't just about getting off, that it's about loving someone with your whole body.
Tyler stands up and slowly opens the door. His hands are shaking and his breaths are short and quick and he feels so tired, so drained.
"Tyler," Josh breathes, standing up. His eyes are red, like he's been crying too, and Tyler feels bad about that.
"Josh," Tyler says, voice cracking. He wraps his arms around Josh, who just... holds him.
"Can I ask what happened?" Josh says finally, once Tyler's pulled back. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, no," Tyler assures him. "It was the opposite."
Josh furrows his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"
"I..." Tyler doesn't know how to put this, where to begin. "I didn't know sex could be like that, how we did it."
"I don't-"
"Because I didn't know you could love the person that you're sleeping with," Tyler interrupts. "I didn't know that sex isn't just for people who lose their virginities to people they still don't know. I didn't know sex isn't just for people who screw each other on bathroom floors." He swallows, looking down. "I didn't know sex isn't just for the people who said no."
"Oh, God," Josh murmurs, sounding a bit strangled. He runs hand through Tyler's hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Tyler."
"It wasn't that bad," Tyler says, not sure why he's suddenly defensive. "Josh, just because I said no doesn't mean I was..."
"Tyler."
"What you're thinking of didn't happen to me, honest, it doesn't happen to men, it doesn't happen, men can't be-"
"Tyler."
Tyler looks up to see Josh crying as he cradles Tyler's face.
"I'm not going to tell you to be a victim," Josh says. "But I'm not going to pretend that everything's just fine."
"Why are you crying?" Tyler asks, touching Josh's face.
"Because you were," Josh says simply. "And because you're in pain."
Tyler is suddenly full of that feeling again, the one he gets when Josh looks at him so lovingly, tenderly, except he doesn't fight it this time.