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'Well, it's our first night alone Mr. Plinkett, following our fraudulent erh-'
'WHAAAAAT?'
'I mean uh... our committed marriage.'
'Turn off the light, I'm gonna watch Night Court.' The two lay in Plinkett's decrepit, creaky bed.
'Uh, sure.' Jay turned off the bedside lamp, leaving them drenched in the TV's sickening glow.
'JAY YOU NEED TO MAKE AN ADVANCE NOW.'
Sitting in the next room was Mike, crouched around a monitor and holding a microphone. Getting married to Plinkett was one step, but there was just one thing left to do.
'You want me to do WHAT?' On the morning of the wedding, Mike took Jay aside and shoved him against the wall. They were tucked away in the vestry of the church, the private room where priests would take the alter boys. Jay was already in his wedding dress, which Mike had insisted he wear for authenticity.
'We need to leak a SEX TAPE of you and Mr. Plinkett to authenticate the MAAAARRIAGE.'
'But- but, I don't want to fuck Plinkett.'
'Listen you goddamn idiot.' Mike held his hand down on Jay's chest. 'Do you want this money or not?'
Jay stared into the distance and huffed. Mike nodded insistingly. He leaned in closer and had his lips close by Jay's ear. Jay could only twist his face into shock and disgust.
'YOU'LL HAVE TO MAKE THE ORGASMS GENUINE.' He whispered.
'Oh god..'
'Well, good luck with the wedding, Jay. I'll be at your house tonight, setting up hidden cameras. I'll be watching every second.'
Jay shivered. Having sex with Mr. Plinkett was the last thing he wanted to do. However, if it meant getting that Plinkett cash, he was willing.
Jay walked down the aisle, surrounded by his family. Some cried, others stared in shame. Plinkett's side of the chapel was far more sparse. Harriet stood at the alter beside Plinkett. She smiled and waved as Jay approached them. His 5 dollar dress from a thrift shop was beginning to chafe his thighs.
'HI JAAAAAAAAY.' She greeted loudly. 'HOW AAAAAAAAARE YOU?'
Jay nodded slightly. 'I'm pretty good.'
'THAT'S GREAT, CONGRATULAAAAAAAAATIONS.'
'Harriet, shut the fuck up. Fucking bitch.' Plinkett muttered.
'Are we alright to proceed with the ceremony?' The priest asked gently.
'Just get this shit over with.' Plinkett replied. Mike, who was Jay's best man, leaned over to his ear again.
'GENUINE ORGASMS.'
'Mike I don't think I'm ready for this.' He whispered into his earpiece.
'Jay, you're being a little bitch. Now suck Plinkett's dick.'
Mr. Plinkett continued to laugh at Night Court.
'Haha, Night Court, so funny.'
Jay shook his head. 'I don't think he's showered in days.'
'JUST SUCK HIS DICK, JAY.' Mike shouted next door. The sound travelled into the bedroom.
'Wha- what was that?' Mr. Plinkett asked.
'Uhh, my cellphone.'
'Jay,' Mike growled, 'the cameras are filming, now SUCK PLINKETT'S DICK.'
'Oh god.' Jay winced, turned to Plinkett and stuck his head under the covers.
It was a beautiful morning. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and Mike was drinking beer alone. Jay wandered out from Plinkett's bedroom, rubbing his fatigued eyes and cradling his back.
'Oh wow Jay, you look terrible.'
'I do?' He said nonchalantly.
'SO?' Mike asked. 'How was it?'
'I have seen things that will never leave my mind. I am scarred forever.'
'That bad, huh?' Mike replied, nodding. Mr. Plinkett also left the bedroom, hobbling around with his cane.
'Hey Mr. Plinkett, you received your disability check from the government in the mail.' Mike held up the envelope. 'How about you let Jay go cash it so we can buy some more beeeers?'
Mr. Plinkett began to laugh. It started as a quiet chuckle, then erupted into a high pitched, deafening cackle.
'What's so funny, Mr. Plinkett?' Mike asked.
'You fucking idiots. How you supposed to cash my cheques if you're not married to me?'
'Whaaat?' Jay asked.
'We're not married.'
Jay and Mike looked at each other in confusion. There was a knock at Plinkett's door.
'Oh, that must be him nooow.' Plinkett said. In came Mike and Jay's attorney, who assisted in the sham wedding.
'Hello Mike, hello Jay.' He greeted.
'WHAAAAT.'
'He told me about your whole scheme to take my money. Fucking frauds. Taking my government money. My friend here had our marriage absolved.'
'Yes, Mr. Plinkett here gave me a lot of money to make the marriage contract void.'
'You bald headed FUCK.' Mike threw his bottle to the floor, shattering it into pieces.
'Wait... so...' Jay stepped back.
'That's right Susan, you didn't need to screw me!' He cackled again. It was horrible. Surely Jay was in hell.
'No... oh god... No...'
'Wow Jay, that's gotta suck.'
'AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA.'