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The evening had definitely been looking up, with all the elements for a perfect night of x-rated fun present and accounted for. (Not that Jake had made a list or anything; he was just being that thing people were being when they didn't mean something literally.)
Anyway, if there'd been a list, it would have been a super short one.
Like: one naked Jake Peralta, looking sexy, check. One naked Captain Holt, looking naked, check. Done.
"Peralta. Who's your parental substitute?"
"Um," Jake said. "All right, a couple of things here. First, loving the voice. A little growly, a lot sexy, perfect."
"It's my normal speaking voice," Holt said. "I use this voice at work."
"And my pants very much appreciate that." Well, not really, but eh. Details. "It's very you, and you're sexy. QED."
"QED?" Holt arched an eyebrow.
If Jake had been wearing pants, he might have been forced to decide between being really happy and really uncomfortable. (Easy choice. Why would anyone ever choose to be uncomfortable?)
"It's Latin. Or something. Anyway, not important."
"On the contrary. Or, as the Romans might say, 'ab contrarium'."
"Right." Jake was beginning to realize that showing off his awesome language skills might have been a mistake. "Except that ha, there's no such thing as Romans, because they all died like thousands of years ago, so joke's on you."
"Actually, the joke, so to speak, is on you, as ab requires the use of an ablative, whereas contrarium is an accusative. Rookie mistake. Don't feel too bad. By which I mean - "
"Be ashamed, be very ashamed? Trust me, I am," Jake said. "Also, I deeply regret my life choices. Can we get back to me telling you how to properly cater to my daddy kink? Which is totally not a thing that I have, by the way. Just throwing that out there. For the record."
"So I could have simply led with 'good evening, Jake, I am interested in sexual relations tonight - may I assume from your state of undress that this interest is returned?' "
"Sure," Jake said. "I think."
"Interesting," said Holt, looking like he meant it.
"Interested," Jake said quickly. "Is what I think you meant to say. Daddy-o. As in: I am, you are, we are, so how about we get on with the program, eh?"
"Actually, according to my schedule, we still have about six minutes of 'conversation leading up to foreplay' remaining." Holt frowned slightly. "An unexpected flaw in my planning, it seems. I apologize. I can usually rely on you to endlessly drag out these little talks. I can only assume that I have said or done something to impair your ability to mindlessly chatter on."
"If I tell you you have a really nice body, would you hold it against me?" Jake said. "Sorry, I tried to think of a way to make a pun with 'hold' and 'Holt' but I drew a blank."
"You might want to consider paying some extra attention to your left biceps in your training regime. It looks slightly underdeveloped compared to your right one."
"Right," Jake said. "Ouch. So I guess it's a good thing you don't want me for my body, huh?"
Holt got that thoughtful expression on his face again that meant he was thinking of stuff that had nothing to do with getting sweaty all over. And stuff like that. "I would say that your body accounts for about forty percent of my interest in pursuing you as a sexual partner."
"And the other sixty percent is my sparkling personality? Nice."
"The other sixty percent is accounted for by that great mystery of the human heart called 'love'." Holt sighed. "Such a small, simple word for such a complex, even awesome emotion."
Jake opened his mouth and closed it again.
"Psych," Holt said. "I was just having a bit of fun with you."
"Good one." To ask or not to ask. "So hey, that's six minutes on my watch. How about you put your money where your mouth is, eh? Or rather, how about you put your mouth where your mouth isn't, right now?" Ignorance was bliss, really, and so was great sex, even when it had apparently been scheduled down to the minute.
"My mouth isn't in a lot of places, sonny. You will have to be more specific."
Jake sighed. "Really, I appreciate the effort. But - "
"But in the end, your so-called kink really only boils down to you desperately craving my approval, to be expressed by displays of both physical and verbal affection with little to no familial overtones?"
"Well, that, or you're just really bad at - never mind. Let's go with 'that, yes'."
"Shouldn't that be: 'that, yes, please, daddy'?"
"Nope. Pretty sure that one's the answer to a very specific, very explicit question that you're not going to ask me in a million years - or maybe I'm wildly exaggerating. Please tell me I'm wildly exaggerating."
"Hm. Would you like me to wake you up in time for the early morning news?"
"Ugh."