Chapter Text
25th March 2010
Aaron sat on the cold, hard ground, his world slipping out of control. How could he have done this? All he cared about was Paddy not finding out why he had been at that pub, and now... Oh God.
His knuckles were still hot from the collisions with Paddy's face, mindlessly looking down at his right hand, Aaron became aware it was covered in blood. Paddy's blood. He tried to rub it against the stone but the blood just smeared further across his hand, refusing to come off.
Aaron knew he had to go back in, he had to face what he had done, so he stood up and headed towards the door of their house, Paddy's house. As he moved Aaron was aware of how numb he felt, he could hear the wind in his ears but couldn't feel it on his face, he could see his hand clasped around the door handle but he couldn't feel it under his grip.
When Aaron entered the house Paddy scuttled manically further into the corner of the room, like one of the terrified animals he saw in the vets when Paddy was trying to pull it out of its cage.
"I'm so sorry Paddy, please don't be scared. I never meant to do this. I just want to help."
Paddy's eyes were wide with fear.
"What can I do? Anything, I'll do anything."
Paddy just stared at him, too scared to move. Eventually Aaron saw something flash across his eyes, a spark of something other than absolute fear but the moment passed and it was gone just as quickly as it came. What felt like an infinity passed and Paddy didn't move, didn't even blink, just breathed in fear. The tears rolled down Aaron's red cheeks.
"Please Paddy, I'm..." He reached out involuntarily and Paddy's eyes grew wider with terror, he tried to back up further but he had nowhere to go.
Eventually Paddy opened his mouth to talk but just stuttered sounds came out.
"D...D, Du Du, Don't."
"Don't?" Aaron sobbed in confusion.
"Don't, don't, you...don't do anything."
"Paddy please, let me help."
Paddy's eyes grew wide as he thought Aaron would try and come towards him again, but the fear seemed less primal than it had before.
"I meant, um, you don't need to do anything."
"I do, just look at you Paddy."
"No...no,no." Paddy spluttered, trying to get to his feet.
"Aaron, I'm O.K, it's... really not that bad... I, I was wrong to, to push you" Paddy stuttered unemotionally.
"No Paddy" Aaron pleaded "You were right."
"No...no I wasn't, I should have just left it."
Gone was Paddy's animalistic terror and he was at least responding to Aaron, but he could tell just under the surface Paddy was still rigid with fear.
"Please Paddy, talk to me."
"We don't need to talk...I, I was wrong and I pushed you and this...this, I shouldn't have got so close."
"So close?"
Aaron's heart was breaking, he knew, he knew he was loosing him and he couldn't stop it. There had been this voice in the back of his head telling him Paddy would leave him too, just like everyone else did, and here it was happening in front of his eyes.
"Don't say that Paddy, I know you were only trying to help me, I know that, and I...I did this." Aaron wept gesturing at Paddy's face.
Paddy just stared at him.
"Please don't turn your back on me now, cos of this. I need help Paddy, I can't stop it, it's up here and it's all the time and I can't... I can't get it out."
Aaron banged his fist against his head, the blood on his knuckles left smeared marks against his temple. His expression full of frustration, self loathing but above all anger. The colour drained from Paddy's face as he saw the aggression on in Aaron, his mind flashed back to earlier that evening, seeing that same expression as Aaron had lunged for him fists first.
Paddy's knees seemed to buckle and he looked like he was about to fall, but he gripped the wall and retained his strength.
"Aaron, it's...it's OK, I was wrong, OK, I know your not..."
"I am Paddy...I think... I am, please help me?"
They stared at each other for what seemed an eternity, Aaron pleading, Paddy seemingly torn, unable to look away until he winced in pain and the moment broke.
"Aaron, I..I can't help you."
Aaron sobbed desperately.
"I know you are confused right now...but I can't do this, I can't be this for you"
Aaron buried his face in his hands and cried into his palms, hot tears soaking into the fabric of his hoodie. This was the end, he was so broken he had broken everything around him, and now finally he had broken Paddy. He was alone. In the darkness behind Aarons eyes he He begged silently "fix me. I don't want to be this anymore. Fix me. FIX ME. FIX ME." but there remained only darkness.
"Aaron?" Paddy asked tentatively.
Aaron opened his eyes and Paddy was far nearer to him than he had been, his arm outstretched nearly at the sleeve of Aaron's hoodie. Aaron jumped in surprise and in reaction Paddy scuttled back into the corner, whatever bravery had brought him so close had escaped him once again.
"Right" Aaron sniffed "I better go."
"No" Paddy whispered without looking up at Aaron.
"Its alright Paddy, really, thanks for..." He didn't know how to finish that sentence.
At that, Paddy crossed the room towards him again.
"Please don't go Aaron, I know I said I can't...but I can't let you just leave like this."
Aaron shook his head "Nah, I can't stay after...this" He looked at Paddy's bloodied face "I need to go away, somewhere, so you will be safe"
Paddy just stared at him, seemingly unable to decide what to do, eventually his head gave the faintest of nods.
"I'm... I'm so sorry" Aaron began to weep again.
He pulled Paddy into a hug, and felt the larger man tense under him, turned to stone. Aaron quickly released and turned to the door, grabbing at the latch and walking out without looking back.
22nd July 2015
Aaron looked past his own reflection in the train window to the Yorkshire countryside beyond. He had spent most of the past 5 years in the city, but what he had seen of the countryside looked nothing like this. Yorkshire was different and although anyone naive enough to try and drum up a conversation about where Aaron had come from inevitably mentioned how beautiful it was, looking at it now he couldn't see any beauty, all he saw was the hugeness of the mistake he was making coming back here. The tinny voice echoed through the nearly empty carriage "Next stop Hotton".
What the hell was he doing?