Chapter Text
Dear Lucas,
I saved this letter for last. I thought it might be easier if I did all the others first but writing them all has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve apologized in all of my letters, I’ve said goodbye, I’ve said I love you, I’ve said thank you. It all feels like it hasn’t been enough. I’ve been sitting here, writing these letters for the last few hours, desk lamp blaring in my face, and I feel like I haven’t expressed half of the things in my heart and head. That’s my own fault. I’ve isolated myself for the past few months and now I’m trying to play catch-up. My time is running out, Lucas and I’m scared. All I can do is keep going.
I don’t want to die without telling you some things. First, I want to thank you. You were the first person in Hawkins who tried to get to know me, the real me. You were the first person I told about my dad, the first person I told about Billy. You were the first person to include me and help me. You were the first person in my life, pretty much, to see me. I spent so much time being less than important to so many people and you made me feel like the most important person on Earth.
Second, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for breaking up with you. I’ve been the worst person on Earth to you. I pushed you away, I treated you badly, I was mean and dismissive and it makes me sick. I didn’t… I wasn’t the girl you knew anymore. I thought that pushing you away would be easier than letting you in close and letting you see what I was really like now. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe that made me a target. I don’t know. Like I said to Dustin, we usually leave the theories up to him. I’m also sorry for not coming to your games, especially the championship. I listened on the radio but it wasn’t the same. Watching you make that last shot must have been something.
I love you. I love you so much. I should have said it to your face, I should have said it a bunch of times, I should have said it everyday. I’m gonna miss you so much, stalker. I don’t want you to be sad and I don’t want you to push everyone away like I did. If I die, it’s only because you tried everything and nothing worked. I know that for a fact so don’t blame yourself or any one else.
I have so much to say and so little time. Stick by Dustin and Mike, please. They’re your best friends. Stay in touch with Will and El, especially El. I don’t want her to be sad about me for too long. You both are the most important people to me so you should stick together. Take care of each other for me. Check on Steve for me and my mom and your sister. You’re the best brother to her. You’re brave and you’re kind and you’re handsome and funny and loyal and strong. I love you I love you I love you. Thank you for loving me. Stay tubular, okay?
Love, Max
PS: All of my music is yours. My favorite is Kate Bush, Running Up That Hill. I always think of you during that song.