Chapter Text
Bad idea, absolutely horrendous idea! Reid's mind was a single exclamation point the whole morning before his fist therapy session.
After his argument with Alex he hadn't put up much of a fight when it came to agreeing to this but the closer it got the more he got the feeling that he was drowning.
Talking about what happened was a big enough problem in of itself. Reid didn't talk about it. Not with anyone but Alex and even they tip toed around it with vague elusions and bitter humor. The only time Reid really talked about what had happened, he was being questioned and Reid was pretty sick of that. That wasn't even the most dreadful part of it, though.
Reid was so much more terrified of what the therapist would say. What if she'd refuse to treat him? What if she told his friends that there was no saving him? That too much was wrong. That Reid would never truly get better.
It wasn't as much of a fear in Reid's mind. It was more of an assumption. But he knew that the others were hopeful. And the thought that they might loose faith in him, something he wasn't even sure of yet, but desperately craved... Reid wasn't sure if he could bare it.
The other concern of course was that Reid was dramatizing his experience. He had this irrational thought that the therapist would listen to what he had to say and then call him out for being a wuss. That he should just get over it, some people had it so much worse. And after all, it's not like it wasn't his own fault. He brought this upon himself. He shouldn't have gone after Hankel by himself, he shouldn't have let the Master break him but he did, because Reid was a worthless freak, a needy whore, a thing, a thing, a thing-
"Is everything okay?", JJ asked and pulled Reid out of his thoughts. He was eating his second lunch of the day. After his depressive episode JJ was not willing to compromise on the whole hobbit-meals thing. Logically Reid knew that he had to eat, he had known it the entire time. But before he just couldn't bring up the energy or, as bad as it sounded, the basic will to live. And now...
Now Reid stared down at the soup in front of him. It was thicker than usual, JJ had mashed the ingredients and even though the taste and color was entirely different, the consistency and how it felt on his tongue still reminded Reid so much of cum that he had to resist the urge to gag.
He didn't tell JJ that, though. It would only upset her and Reid had been upsetting enough these last couple of days.
"Yeah, of course.", he said before starting to eat his food. Every spoon was a struggle and at some point Reid caught himself slipping away. He didn't try to stop it, either. He could do this, he could go through the motions, do what was expected of him. Reid ate, he got dressed, he got in a car with JJ, his body was on autopilot.
The whole time his mind was trapped in an endless circle of taunts. Hopeless, worthless,- "Reid?"
broken, fucked up- "Reid?"
whore, freak, slut, "Are you with me?"
toy, wuss, thingthingthingTHING. "REID!"
Reid flinched slightly before looking to JJ who was facing him, her eyes worried. Reid caught himself thinking about how expressive her eyes were. How they gave too much away. JJ was at a disadvantage. She'd be easy to hurt.
"Yes?", He asked as casually as he could manage and JJ's brows furrowed slightly.
"You've been standing in front of the entrance for five minutes now. Is everything okay?", She asked, making a point to keep her tone calm. So she was nervous, too.
"Everything is fantastic, except that you'll finally find out how screwed up I am! How often I've been taken apart and put back together all wrong. That I can't be fixed. And then you'll throw me away like everyone always does when a toy is broken!", Reid wanted to yell. Instead he shrugged slightly and walked past her through the door.
Dr Seine was a specialist in trauma related to sex trafficking. She had worked with the FBI in the past and would therefore have a unique understanding for Reid's somewhat unique situation. And she was a woman. All of these factors made her their first choice for an appointment.
Of course his friends promised that they could switch if she didn't work out. Reid didn't mention that if things didn't work out, it was probably because Reid was too messed up. After all, Dr Seine was the best they could find. If she couldn't help the him, who could?
Reid found himself on a beige couch in the waiting area of Dr Seine's office. He couldn't stay put for long, though. Soon he got up and started pacing up and down in front of JJ. He could feel her eyes tracking him but he also couldn't stop. There was too much nervous energy in him that he needed to release somehow.
While he walked up and down the hallway he started to count the ceiling tiles. He was at 57 when his eyes suddenly came to rest on something in front of him
He focused his eyes on a frame in front of him, it had no picture inside. Instead it had strings stretched between the two sides. Hanging from the strings, held by paperclips were little cards with words written on them.
'Take what you need' it said above the frame and the cards said words like 'understanding' 'forgiveness''bravery'
Reid almost smirked. Where was the card saying 'agency', 'the ability to trust' , 'sanity'. Reid could use something like that.
Suddenly one of the doors opened and a woman stepped out. Reid wasn't sure what he had expected but it wasn't this.
Dr Seine was tiny. 5'2 maybe, she had long strawberry blonde hair that was tied up in a messy bun. Her skin had an almost golden tone, like she was kissed by the sun and her big eyes had a piercing blue color.
She looked like someone who spend a lot of time outside, gardening or something. Reid thought of the Greek goddess Demeter.
"Hello Dr Reid, Ms Jareau, I'm Dr Seine.", she introduced herself with a bright smile and Reid was glad that she didn't offer a handshake.
"Yes, I believe we talked on the phone.", JJ nodded and offered her hand instead which the woman accepted.
"Okay, I'd prefer to talk to you by yourself at first, if that's okay. But if you'd prefer your friend to be present we can call her in as well. ", she then said and Reid took a second to realize that she was talking to him.
"Sure. That's fine. ", he shrugged, looking to JJ. Then he forced his limbs to move again and followed Dr Seine into her office.
The office was nice, not too clinical, homey. The Doctor offered Reid a seat on one of the two brown leather couches. They were comfortable, Reid still couldn't relax.
“I do this whenever a patient brings company to a meeting,” the woman explains, “in case if there’s anything you don’t want to to discuss in front of your friend.”
“Oh.” Reid wasn't sure why he was so surprised. Technically he knew that people usually met their therapist by themselves. But as of late nobody ever let him do anything by himself. He couldn't be left to his own devices, even if he wanted. So it was a surprise to him when a stranger considered hid feelings. But other people's feelings were this womans job so she probably knew what she was doing.
After the initial surprise Reid considered her question and found that he actually didn't want JJ with him. That realization left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. JJ was basically putting her life on hold for him and besides Alex she was the only person he could let remotely close to him. Reid knew that much. But now that he had made himself dependent on her he was terrified of scaring her off and hearing about who he was, what he had done, what was going on in his head... Reid knew that he couldn't be entirely honest in front of her.
"I-I would prefer to talk to you by myself. If that's okay?", Reid asked quietly and Dr Seine gave him an encouraging nod.
"If you feel more comfortable this way, that's no issue.", she added but Reid's guilt still gnawed at the back of his mind.
"Anyways, Spencer. Can I call you that?"” she then asked and Reid gave a shaky nod. He could tell that things would get serious soon. "Would you mind telling me why you’re here? What would you like to improve through therapy?”, the therapist then asked, clasping her hands in her lap.
Reid was stunned. For a second he was tempted to just snap at her and tell her that he was only doing this so that his friends wouldn't send him away into a facility. Then again, Reid himself couldn't see the purpose in that. He was already here , he might as well try to get something out of it.
“So, I guess the primary reason that made my friends suggest therapy was that I have- like- kind of, recently escaped a sex trafficking ring? And... It's only been about two weeks but... they can all tell that... That I'm pretty messed up now. I can't really trust any of them anymore... I absolutely hate being touched. I- I am quite moody. I have trouble taking care of myself. Sometimes I can't get out of bed. Sometimes I can't differentiate between the past and the present. I get flashbacks and nightmares- I'm really- really afraid of everything and... Paranoid- ” Reid took a sharp breath. This waterfall of words just broke out of him without his consent. But there was no taking it back now.
“That's awful,” Dr Seine stated. Reid heard her, like he heard everyone else who had told him that. The young man wasn't sure how he felt. He nodded uncomfortably, releasing a heavy breath.
“So what I'm getting out of this is that you want to learn to trust people, confront your adversity to touch, learn to take care of yourself and also find a way to cope with your flashbacks and nightmares?”, the woman then calmly summarised. It somehow sounded like such a short list while also being incredibly daunting.
"Sure. That'd be neat.", Reid shrugged awkwardly. He couldn't help but to feel discouraged right away. So fucking messed up.
Dr Seine narrowed her eyes slightly before suddenly changing the topic:“Let me start by explaining my approach when I have a patient who has been traumatized. Would that be okay?”
Reid shrugged and the Doctor seemed to interpret it as a yes.
“ I usually approach my patients treatment with a combination of methods. I'll try to help you process and understand your trauma and the feelings associated with it. There is a reason you react the way you do. It's because of triggers. Locations, people, sounds, even smells and taste can remind you of your trauma and trigger flashbacks and such.", the Doctor explained calmly.
"Aha.", Reid only mumbled, thinking Dr Seine's words over. The issues was this: Reid already knew a whole lot about psychology. He had a bachelor's degree in it. So a lot of this wasn't news to him. He knew how much severe trauma could affect a person, how seemingly unrelated things could be triggers, how trauma could chance everything. But that somehow didn't help him understand himself any better.
"Most people don't realize that but that's a natural reaction to trauma.", the doctor continued and Reid leaned forward in her seat, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at the floor. He was resisting the urge to start rocking in his seat.
"I-I know that.", Reid confessed and sighed softly. The young man didn't know what to think of this. Hearing that his feelings and behavior were justified wasn't necessarily a surprise and it didn't bring him any relief either. He knew what was wrong with him, that was the issue. From a rational standpoint he perfectly understood what was going on but he still couldn't stop it. He couldn't logic his way out of this situation because his mind didn't seem to care for rationality much anymore.
"That's not surprising by your impressive career. But understanding it is only the first step. If you're open to it I'll try to teach you methods to cope with your triggers so that they won't have such a great impact on your life anymore. ", Dr Seine returned and Reid focused on her hands, clasped together in her lap.
"Okay.", he nodded slightly, not looking up.
"Great. I know a bit about your situation from talking to your friend-", the woman started and Reid couldn't hold back the groan. Of course JJ told her-
"What did she tell you?", Reid asked, his tone sharper than intended.
"Just that you have been missing for a while and returned a couple of days ago.", Seine replied calmly and Reid let go of some of the pent up tension in his body
Reid wasn't exactly sure where to start, he'd never verbally told someone her whole story all at once. His team got the majority of it once they had found him but with them he didn't have to talk about Hankel or Kruger much. They were more interested in the Master. He couldn't be sure but he felt like Dr Seine might be more interested in Reid. That was a first.
"Okay. Thirteen months ago I was on a case when I got kidnapped by an unsub with dissociative identity disorder. His name was Tobias Hankel and he had three personalities. One was his sadistic father, the other was a an angelic persona named Raphael, the third was just Tobias. He was the first one to-", Reid's breath hitched when the face of Tobias appeared in his mind, bringing back countless agonizing memories that Reid would rather not be confronted with.
"Hankel didn't... Use me like this... Or at least the father didn't... He just tortured... He thought that I was possessed. He punished me for my sins... But Tobias- he wanted to help- he was weirdly gentle, he'd take care of me and- he'd drug me so that I wouldn't- so that I didn't- ", Reid's voice started to quiver and he pressed his lips together, breathing slowly. He wasn't sure why this was happening now. Reid didn't plan on talking about this, not to some stranger. And he hadn't expected to break down over Hankel either. He had disconnected himself from that time, it was nowhere near as scarring as what came after, or at least Reid had thought so.
"Take your time.", Dr Seine said gently. Reid nodded shakily, wrapping his arms around his body and continuing to stare at the floor until his heart stopped pounding against his ribcage.
"It- it went on for a few weeks until Tobias took too much Dilaudid once. He overdosed. I couldn't escape, he had me chained up, after a while I passed out. Someone else found me though. I don't know who it was but they brought me to- ", he continued until his voice broke off. Bitterness and shame burned in his chest. "- this man that only was referred to as the master. He was the head of a sex trafficking ring and I spend ten months as- as his plaything until he sold me off to a different man that I eventually managed to escape from.", he then added, glossing over most of what happened after Hankel. He couldn't talk about this, not immediately, not like this, with his heart in his throat and his hands shaking uncontrollably. It was simply too much.
Dr Seine waited until Reid got his breathing under control again. “I’m so sorry you had to experience all that.”, she then spoke, her voice gentle and soothing.
Reid shrugged uncomfortably, still refusing to look at the doctor.
“What you went through was terrible, and the way you're feeling is completely expected after such severe trauma.”, the woman continued, still keeping up that careful demeanor of hers.
Reid didn't quite register her words at first. The young man had half assumed that the doctor would feel sorry for him but brush her off as a too severe case or something like that.
Her genuinity and acceptance , it was mainly a source of confusion to Reid. He was confused about how he was supposed to feel. "O-kay.", he nodded slowly, finally looking up at the doctor. The drained feeling, the numbness was back, he could feel his mind checking out again. He couldn't process her kindness so he was shutting down.
“We’re almost out of time and I’ve got another patient coming in after this,” Dr Seine then explained, sounding apologetic. “Would you like to make another appointment? I'd really like to work with you on working through these feelings and processing the trauma in a way that helps you get better control over your life ”
“Okay- okay.” Reid mumbled because that's what was expected of him, right? He suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to curl up and sleep, lay down and not get up for a long time. This was exhausting and he wanted it to be over.
“Does this time next week work for you?” When Reid nodded, she wrote her into her notebook, and Reid mostly checked out after that.
Next thing he knew he was in the hallway with JJ again. "So how did it go?", the young woman asked, trying and failing to hide her nerves. Expressive eyes. Disadvantage.
"I don't know. I feel drained. Kind of just want to sleep.", Reid shrugged and JJ gave him this sad look that made his chest tighten a little. Like she was thinking. Not again. Reid felt the need to tell her that he was just tired, that he wasn't having another depressive episode. Then again, he didn't know if that was true. He didn't understand anything about himself anymore. He didn't know his own warning signs.
"But I made another appointment so I guess that's a good sign?", he offered instead. Reid even tried to smile but he was pretty sure that he failed miserably. It seemed to be enough for JJ, though, so it had to be okay. It had to be enough. Reid just didn't have anything else to offer anymore.