Chapter Text
Alex calls at three in the morning the day after their disastrous run-in with Alexa. Miles is laying in bed but he's awake. Wide awake. He's always been a night owl and, on top of that, his mind is racing. He can't quiet it long enough to doze off. It's not, unfortunately, an uncommon problem for him.
He answers the call halfway through the first ring with a curt, “Alex.”
“Miles, hi,” Alex breathes, sounding relieved. Like maybe he was worried Miles wouldn't pick up. He keeps his voice low as he goes on. “Did I wake you?”
“No.”
“Oh, good.” There's an awkward pause. “I, er. Had to wait on Alexa to fall asleep... I wanted to call straight away after you left but...”
“But your girlfriend comes first, I get it.”
“No, don't be an arse. I just, you know... She were already suspicious, after this morning. I could tell. She kept asking about you and what we got up to together and she wanted to know if you were bloody seeing anyone.” Another pause. Miles can picture Alex all too well. He's probably standing outside in his pj's having a smoke, shifting nervously from foot to foot as he thinks what to say. Maybe he throws the occasional glance over his shoulder, watching for anyone who might overhear. “I never should've told her all that shit about us- about me, about the dumb fucking crush I had on you. She's looked at you different ever since.”
“With good reason,” Miles points out. “You are, in fact, cheating on her with me.”
“Well...” Alex fumbles. “You're not wrong. But I'm not the only guilty party here, am I?”
Miles closes his eyes. God, what a fool he'd been to think he could go on and never let the guilt touch him. It's caught up with him now. Paris he can excuse. Paris was a dream. Paris, in his mind, he can justify. He didn't know about their silly rules, after all. But everything since then? It weighs heavy on his conscience. He can't stop remembering the way Alexa looked at Alex, with true love shining in her eyes. What would she do if she knew Miles had been pretending to himself all this time that Alex was his? What would she do if she knew Alex had been playing along?
“No, you're not,” Miles sighs.
“Miles,” Alex says, his voice losing it's defensive edge and instead going soft. “In Paris you said no matter what. Just the other day you promised me...”
“Don't do that, Al. Don't use me own words against me. I meant what I said but- but don't fucking use it as blackmail.”
“I didn't mean-”
“Well that's what it bloody sounds like. I love you, I do, but...”
The pause, this time, is laden with sadness. They both know what Miles is going to say, what has to be done. Alex wouldn't be trying to prevent it if he didn't already know. Still, he prompts Miles to go on anyway, voice an unsteady whisper. “But...?”
“Why don't you come over tomorrow, Al?”
Alex is clearly surprised by this turn of events. “What?”
“Serious shit is supposed to be talked about in person, right? I don't want to do this over the phone.”
“...Alright...”
“Just- come over. Please?”
“Okay, I'll just- Lex is having lunch with someone tomorrow. I'll pop round then, yeah?”
“Yeah. Sounds good.”
Having Alex over is probably a bad idea. Miles is so weak for him. But he can't stand having this conversation and not being able to see Alex's face, either. And, not that he'd ever admit it to it, but he's keen to buy himself some time. And now he's bought himself a few hours, at least.
Alex whispers an I love you into the phone before he hangs up. Miles falls asleep replaying the sound of it in his head, wondering at the extent of the truth behind it.
-
To Miles' surprise, Alex doesn't even try to play it cool. He's already on edge when Miles lets him in. Miles can almost see the nervous energy coming off him.
He doesn't even bother with a greeting. He fists his hands in Miles' shirt and draws him into a desperate kiss. Miles lets him, pours his own passion into it to match Alex's. They stumble backwards until the backs of Miles' knees hit the arm of the couch and he falls onto it, bringing Alex with him. Alex winds up straddling him, their faces mere inches away from each other, but as frenzied as their kiss had been neither of them has much inclination to take it further. Not now. This isn't about that.
Alex kisses him again, close-lipped. Innocent. He rests his head on Miles' chest.
“Alex,” Miles says, but Alex is quick to shush him.
“In a minute,” he insists.
Miles sighs, giving in. He wraps his arms around Alex and holds him close, soaking in his warmth. If it could just be like this all the time without all the guilt and secrecy to go along with it Miles would be perfectly content. He's got a history of being an outrageous flirt, a one-night-stand kind of guy, but he wasn't lying when he said he'd give up everyone else in a heartbeat for Alex. He's never felt this way about anyone before. He's never felt so happy just being near to someone.
If only he'd realized all this before Alex met Alexa. Then maybe...
No use wondering at the what-if's, though. Miles keeps catching himself at it, thinking if I'd just done this or if only this were different. The sad truth is that what he and Alex have done is wrong. Hurtful. And Miles might be willing to give up the world for Alex, but he's not willing to hurt Alexa, and he's not willing to be a knowing participant in an affair. He'd thought he could do it and live with himself but... he can't. His guilt is eating him alive. It takes all the joy out of being with Alex.
Miles pets at Alex's hair. “You know we can't keep doing this, don't you?”
Alex sits up to meet Miles' eye again. He's inscrutable. “You're going to make me choose?”
“No. There's no choice to make. You're with Alexa. You love her. I'm giving you up.”
Alex shakes his head. His lips are a thin, unsmiling line. “You don't have to do that.”
“I do. Before she discovers us and it all goes to hell.”
“Just... give me time, Miles, please.”
Miles opens his mouth to ask what, exactly, Alex means by that, but he's interrupted by his ringing mobile. It lies within reach on the coffee table. Miles picks it up and glances at the caller ID, intent on ignoring it, but the name displayed there stops him short. With a wary glance at Alex he answers. “'lo?”
“Miles?”
“What can I do for you, Lex?”
At the mention of her name Alex raises a wondering brow. Alexa asks, “Alex left his phone at home, is he there with you?” Her voice sounds strangely brittle, her tone devoid of much life.
Miles hesitates. “Yes,” he admits, wary.
Alexa laughs once, an ugly sound. “I thought he might be,” she says. Her voice breaks at the very end. “Why don't you send him home? Tell him we need to talk about Paris.”
She hangs up before Miles can reply. His heart is beating about a thousand times faster than it was just a moment ago. He sets his phone down and looks at Alex with wide eyes. “She knows,” he says simply, as sure of it as he's ever been of anything. “She fucking knows.”
For a moment Alex is frozen above him. He looks like he's just been blindsided. He blinks. “What? What did she say?”
“She wants to talk about Paris.”
There's a pause wherein Miles can see Alex wracking his brain, wondering if there's possibly any other meaning that could be attributed to her words. Evidently he comes up empty handed. “Fuck. How?”
“Hell if I know.”
Alex jumps up off the couch. “I- I've gotta go. I'll sort this out.”
He says it with about zero confidence. Miles watches him go with a heavy heart. He was trying to do the right thing and now the effort seems wasted. She's found out anyway.
-
With nothing to do but wait for word of the fallout, Miles spends the next twenty-four hours trying to distract himself with telly, the internet, and sleep. None of which work very well. At one point he resorts to cleaning, god forbid, but with his favorite record on it's not such a chore and by the end of it he does feel a little better. A little more clear-headed.
It's sometime in the afternoon when Alex turns up again. Miles had been expecting a phone call, if anything, so opening the door to find Alex on his stoop is a surprise. He's not quite sure if it's a pleasant one. Alex's expression is hard to read. He doesn't look devastated, though, so maybe it's not as bad as Miles feared.
Alex invites himself in. He gently pushes past Miles and into the foyer. He seems as anxious as he had yesterday. Fidgety. He's been biting his lip, Miles can tell. And even as he stands there he toys nervously with the hem of his coat.
“It were the picture,” he says by way of greeting.
“Picture?”
Alex wordlessly pulls his phone from his pocket. He opens it and turns it so Miles can see what's displayed there.
It's the picture they took in front of the Eiffel. The one where Alex surprised Miles with a kiss. In the picture he's got Miles by his lapels, drawing him in, while Miles' arms are wound around Alex in an embrace. They're both smiling into the kiss. The moment looks like it belongs in a movie. It's picturesque, beautiful. Miles has never wanted to go back in time so badly in his life. What he wouldn't give to relive that moment... He'd been obliviously happy, then. He still loves Alex just as much if not more than he had when that picture was taken, so much that it threatens to overwhelm him, but now it's tainted. Then it was only fear of rejection that held him back, not guilt.
Miles clears his throat, blinking back into the present moment. “She saw it?”
Alex re-pockets the phone. “I told you she were suspicious. When I left me phone at home she took the opportunity to go through it. That's what she found.”
“So she knows about Paris... and all the rest?”
Alex nods.
“What did she say?”
Alex stares down at his own feet. “That she'd forgive me if I gave you up.”
Miles sucks in a sharp breath. “Oh. Well, that's... kind of her. And, of course, I won't stand in your way- like I told you yesterday. I'll- I'll just-”
“Miles,” Alex interrupts, looking at him like he's gone mad. “I told her no.”
Miles stops. He dare not get his hopes up, but, “Why would you do that?”
Alex takes deep breath, like he's bracing himself for something. “Because I'd rather be with you.”
Miles doesn't say anything. He can't. He's not even sure this isn't a dream anymore.
Alex starts babbling nervously in the face of Miles' non-reaction. “You don't, like, have to say yes if you've changed your mind or summat but- but I want to do this for real. Us, I mean. And even if you say no I won't be crawling back to her. It's not, like, an ultimatum-”
“You want to be with me?” Miles asks, just for clarification. “You chose me?”
Alex nods.
“But you love her.”
“I love you more,” he says, like it's that simple. “And I'd not be doing Alexa any favors if I stayed with her after realizing it.”
“What about all that shit you said? About being away from each other on tour, about having to keep it secret from the press?”
Alex actually dares a smile, perhaps emboldened by the fact that Miles hasn't tossed him out or rejected him yet. He inches forward, takes Miles' hand between two of his own. “I'm willing to put up with it if you are. All the phone calls, the texts that go unanswered for hours because we're in different time zones, the missing you, the secrecy... It'll not be all that different from me and Lex, really. It's not like we saw a lot of each other.”
“Right, but... what changed your mind?”
Alex bites his lip as he thinks. “I guess it were just... When she told me it was either you or her, that I'd have to cut you out of me life to keep her, I couldn't imagine doing it. I couldn't imagine life without you.” His cheeks have gone pink. “What a sap I am, eh? But it's true. And then I started thinking about the future, about who I'll want by my side when the Monkeys are finished, or even after that when I'm old and gray, and it weren't her.”
“How'd she take it?”
“There were tears. She told me to get out. We hurt her, Miles, there's no way around that. But I still don't regret it.”
Miles can hardly believe what he's hearing. He'd all but given up on the idea that Alex might return his feelings. That Alex might actually ever be in love with him. And now he's voluntarily given up his dream of a girlfriend so that they can be together.
Miles pulls Alex to him. He probably looks awestruck as he dances his fingers over the curve of Alex's cheekbone. Alex is very much real, solid beneath his touch. He blurts the first thing that comes to mind. “Does this mean I can call you my boyfriend?”
Alex laughs. “You can call me whatever you like. I'm yours, as long as you'll have me.”
As long as you'll have me. That pesky insecurity again. But Miles is willing to put in the time and effort to show Alex that he's got nothing to fear on that front. Starting now.
“You're incredible,” Miles tells him, ducking down to plant a kiss at the corner of his mouth. “And I love you.”
Alex has never looked so radiant, so gorgeous, as he smiles up at Miles. And the words that fall from his lips sounds like heaven. “I love you, too.”
It won't be easy, Miles knows that. There's still the guilt of what they put Alexa through hanging over their heads, and it's always hard to keep a relationship going when both partners are touring the world, constantly away from each other. Then there's the press, and the perpetual rumors about Alex with some woman or other, and Miles will probably spend many a night wondering how much truth there is to them, but right now... It's good. It's just good.
They've got an album coming out soon and they'll be together for all the promo to do with it. And then, who knows? Maybe they'll go on tour together.
They've got time to build up a trust between them and Miles is willing to work at it. He's willing to do anything to keep Alex.
Miles kisses him again. “Mine,” he declares.
“Yours,” Alex agrees, laughing. He's never sounded happier.